Author JiltedJane Posted January 28, 2020 Author Posted January 28, 2020 I was only asking 1-2 days at most and hoping it would gradually build up to full weekends or something
Noproblem Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 (edited) 5 hours ago, JiltedJane said: So I had conversation with him yesterday in person and asked what’s going on. He basically just sucks at texting, and is reluctant to push the relationship forward because of the drive. We’re 75 min apart. He said he’s absolutely crazy about me and wants to make it work, but the “distance” makes it hard. I put my heart on the line and said I’d be willing to compromise to make it work. I’d drive down to him, and he can come by my place when he’s done with work. He works 20 min from my place. I said all I needed was to hear from him once a day. I told him to think about it and left. When I left he was tearing up and gave me a hug and wouldn’t let go. Gave me s big kiss on my cheek and I squirmed away because I didn’t want him to see me cry. He begged me to tell him when I got home. I texted I was back but I Haven’t heard from him since, don’t expect to. i feel like after 14 dates I deserve some kind of commitment? Did I mess up or is 14 dates okay to have that talk? I am sorry but do you believe in this BS? Sorry but you seem so desperate and you showed him that and that empowered him! Let me repeat That EMPOWERD him You deserve someone who does not care about the drive! You deserve someone who replies back when you send him a text. You don't deserve someone who lies about being horrible at texting and willing to end a relationship because of an hour and 15 min drive. Don't buy into their lame excuses, this guy found someone new and now he is letting you go, Just let him go and by that I mean BLOCK him! Edited January 28, 2020 by Noproblem
Author JiltedJane Posted January 28, 2020 Author Posted January 28, 2020 9 hours ago, Noproblem said: I am sorry but do you believe in this BS? Sorry but you seem so desperate and you showed him that and that empowered him! Let me repeat That EMPOWERD him You deserve someone who does not care about the drive! You deserve someone who replies back when you send him a text. You don't deserve someone who lies about being horrible at texting and willing to end a relationship because of an hour and 15 min drive. Don't buy into their lame excuses, this guy found someone new and now he is letting you go, Just let him go and by that I mean BLOCK him! Thanks for calling me desperate. i do believe he’s bad at texting and the hour drive was too much for him. Sadly I think that’s what killed it based on other stuff I know about him.
rjc149 Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 This guy is full of s***, OP. A guy who is truly brought to tears by the prospect of you moving on isn’t also ditching plans with you, or using a 1.5 hour drive as an excuse to keep things from progressing. He sounds like a narcissist. He gets validation from your desperation (throwing yourself at a guy who ditches you for a buddy is desperate, sorry if that’s tough to hear), but when you’re turning your back on him he’s lighting you up with texts and hugging you and getting teary-eyed... Come on, OP. See this situation for what it is. He’s not that into you. Maybe it’s the drive (inconvenient but not a deal-breaker if his interest level was as high as yours) or maybe he’s just a bad texter. You can tell yourself anything you like. I see a narcissistic player who is stringing you along and making sure you’ll stay at the table while he’s out inviting other girls to dinner. 3
Author JiltedJane Posted January 28, 2020 Author Posted January 28, 2020 3 hours ago, rjc149 said: This guy is full of s***, OP. A guy who is truly brought to tears by the prospect of you moving on isn’t also ditching plans with you, or using a 1.5 hour drive as an excuse to keep things from progressing. He sounds like a narcissist. He gets validation from your desperation (throwing yourself at a guy who ditches you for a buddy is desperate, sorry if that’s tough to hear), but when you’re turning your back on him he’s lighting you up with texts and hugging you and getting teary-eyed... Come on, OP. See this situation for what it is. He’s not that into you. Maybe it’s the drive (inconvenient but not a deal-breaker if his interest level was as high as yours) or maybe he’s just a bad texter. You can tell yourself anything you like. I see a narcissistic player who is stringing you along and making sure you’ll stay at the table while he’s out inviting other girls to dinner. I genuinely think it’s pure laziness. Again based on what I know of him. And I’m not deluding myself into thinking he’s interested in me based on his behavior. I even say above I know he’s not gonna reach out. i understand you’re truing to be realistic but you come across extremely condescending and accusatory.
Miss Spider Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 Jilted_jane, I know the people in this forum can come off a little harsh. I’ve had it directed at me in my threads more times than I count. But I believe, for the most part, it is a ‘tough love’ thing from a community of people who have heard these stories so many times and hate seeing it happen again. I mean you seem like an intelligent woman from your posts. Why do you put up with this kind of behavior for so long? Seriously, there are a ton of men out there. Hopefully this guy is just one of the many and this thread only makes it seem like he is your focus because you’re trying to understand his behavior? The truth is you’ll probably never know 100% but people that show low interest should be nexted without second thoughts 1
Author JiltedJane Posted January 28, 2020 Author Posted January 28, 2020 28 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: Jilted_jane, I know the people in this forum can come off a little harsh. I’ve had it directed at me in my threads more times than I count. But I believe, for the most part, it is a ‘tough love’ thing from a community of people who have heard these stories so many times and hate seeing it happen again. I mean you seem like an intelligent woman from your posts. Why do you put up with this kind of behavior for so long? Seriously, there are a ton of men out there. Hopefully this guy is just one of the many and this thread only makes it seem like he is your focus because you’re trying to understand his behavior? The truth is you’ll probably never know 100% but people that show low interest should be nexted without second thoughts Thank you. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, every man I’ve dated has been different in their approaches and style, but all similar in their ultimate goals and intentions. This guy was hitting all the right boxes until the last two weeks. I was trying to understand his behavior but he isn’t/wasn’t my whole world. I’m just disappointed because he was the first person I’ve genuinely connected with in a long time. 1
rjc149 Posted January 29, 2020 Posted January 29, 2020 (edited) 5 hours ago, JiltedJane said: I genuinely think it’s pure laziness. Again based on what I know of him. And I’m not deluding myself into thinking he’s interested in me based on his behavior. I even say above I know he’s not gonna reach out. i understand you’re truing to be realistic but you come across extremely condescending and accusatory. You're right, my tone is not as compassionate as it could have been. I realize you're here for support, not just criticism. I'm sorry. It seems like you're a lot more interested in this than he is. I believe you are putting yourself in a situation where you can be strung along, used, and truly hurt beyond the sting you're feeling now. I don't think this guy is being straight with you. And if it's just pure laziness, well, I mean, really? That's an attractive quality? A guy who wants something, but is too lazy to do anything about it? I guess I'll just leave off at this: why do you think this is something he's content being lazy about? And if he truly is just too lazy to pursue this courtship, why do you feel like he's the best thing you've got going on? Some lazy douchebag an hour's drive away? Is he really handsome, or otherwise ring your bell in a way that you feel is difficult for you to replace? A lot of the attachment aspect of romantic love stems from the feeling that he/she is the best you can do, and that's rooted in lack of self-esteem. I'm not a psychotherapist, but it seems like you've got some self-esteem and confidence issues. This dude would have been last week's paper to a woman with high self-esteem and options. I really hope you figure out how to come out of this on top. Edited January 29, 2020 by rjc149 2
Author JiltedJane Posted January 29, 2020 Author Posted January 29, 2020 (edited) 15 hours ago, rjc149 said: You're right, my tone is not as compassionate as it could have been. I realize you're here for support, not just criticism. I'm sorry. It seems like you're a lot more interested in this than he is. I believe you are putting yourself in a situation where you can be strung along, used, and truly hurt beyond the sting you're feeling now. I don't think this guy is being straight with you. And if it's just pure laziness, well, I mean, really? That's an attractive quality? A guy who wants something, but is too lazy to do anything about it? I guess I'll just leave off at this: why do you think this is something he's content being lazy about? And if he truly is just too lazy to pursue this courtship, why do you feel like he's the best thing you've got going on? Some lazy douchebag an hour's drive away? Is he really handsome, or otherwise ring your bell in a way that you feel is difficult for you to replace? A lot of the attachment aspect of romantic love stems from the feeling that he/she is the best you can do, and that's rooted in lack of self-esteem. I'm not a psychotherapist, but it seems like you've got some self-esteem and confidence issues. This dude would have been last week's paper to a woman with high self-esteem and options. I really hope you figure out how to come out of this on top. he was very handsome and sweet.Literally the nicest person I’ve met in years. Super talented- one of the best singers I’ve heard in real life. He “rang” my bell . And we just seemed to really get each other and connect. We’d talk and laugh for hours and had so much in common. Our first date was literally 9 hours (felt like 1/2 hr)- no physical stuff. Basically I think he’s lazy because he kind of just dreams or fantasizes about things, I’m a go getter. I want something, I go for it. I’m currently working two jobs and finishing my second masters. This guy is only a waiter and has been one for 11 yr ( I know I know, smh). He’s been trying to produce music, but hasn’t put a considerable amt of effort into it. He also is the type to just kind of settle for whatever situation he’s in. His last two gfs cheated on him repeatedly and he just kept forgiving them and stayed with them till he was dumped. Idk if that’s just stupidity, laziness, or blind love on his part. I think the driving part was legit- he’s not used to driving long distances and he’s easily stressed. He’s the furthest thing from perfect for me. The laziness was and is a turn off. At this point, I’m so self sufficient that When it comes to relationships, all that matters is how they make me feel and the connection. Sadly, he’s the first guy in yrs I felt something for which is why it stings. I know I’ll meet someone better. Btw- I have not heard from him since I last saw him nor have I or will I reach out to him. the egg doesn’t chase the sperm... Edited January 29, 2020 by JiltedJane
rjc149 Posted January 30, 2020 Posted January 30, 2020 Okay, well that's some valuable insight. He's been hurt and trampled on by women so he's not going to let himself be vulnerable. When he thinks you're trying to get too close, he keeps a safe distance. He's probably got some mistrust and resentment about women. He doesn't have his life figured out, still waiting tables in his 30's (?) and that's probably hurting his confidence. I know from personal experience that waiting tables as a man can be very emasculating, having to put up with that type of servant boy bullsh-t from people with an apology and a smile— it’s degrading to any self-respecting man. Staying with cheating GF's is more to that point. He's got low self-esteem. Or, maybe he was still getting convenient sex from them and didn't care what they were doing on the side. Maybe waiting tables pays the rent and bills and drug dealer, and he has no ambition to be more or do more. He's content with mediocrity, doesn't give a f--k and is just kind of waiting to die. The drive is up to the individual. An hour is a little far to maintain regular physical contact and build a strong partnership, but it's not long distance in my book. It may be in his. My furthest relationship was NYC to DC which is a 4-5 hour drive, but I have a fast car, I like to drive, and I was crazy about her. Still, I was only willing to do it every other month. Sounds like a complex fella. And I think maybe that's why he's keeping your interest, despite him not having his sh-t together as a man. Do you feel the urge to "fix" him?
Author JiltedJane Posted January 30, 2020 Author Posted January 30, 2020 4 hours ago, rjc149 said: Okay, well that's some valuable insight. He's been hurt and trampled on by women so he's not going to let himself be vulnerable. When he thinks you're trying to get too close, he keeps a safe distance. He's probably got some mistrust and resentment about women. He doesn't have his life figured out, still waiting tables in his 30's (?) and that's probably hurting his confidence. I know from personal experience that waiting tables as a man can be very emasculating, having to put up with that type of servant boy bullsh-t from people with an apology and a smile— it’s degrading to any self-respecting man. Staying with cheating GF's is more to that point. He's got low self-esteem. Or, maybe he was still getting convenient sex from them and didn't care what they were doing on the side. Maybe waiting tables pays the rent and bills and drug dealer, and he has no ambition to be more or do more. He's content with mediocrity, doesn't give a f--k and is just kind of waiting to die. The drive is up to the individual. An hour is a little far to maintain regular physical contact and build a strong partnership, but it's not long distance in my book. It may be in his. My furthest relationship was NYC to DC which is a 4-5 hour drive, but I have a fast car, I like to drive, and I was crazy about her. Still, I was only willing to do it every other month. Sounds like a complex fella. And I think maybe that's why he's keeping your interest, despite him not having his sh-t together as a man. Do you feel the urge to "fix" him? Nope. I’ve learned the hard way that people don’t change. At least not if they don’t want to. and apparently the last time he was cheated on , he and his gf didn’t have sex the whole last year of their relationship.
Author JiltedJane Posted January 30, 2020 Author Posted January 30, 2020 He also said he loved how tough and strong/independent I am compared to other girls but he hates that I don’t act vulnerable or overly emotional. He can feel I have my guard up...... so whatever
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