Slow fade or bad texting.

[Miss Spider]

13 minutes ago, Noproblem said:

Yeah I would not be able to wait 16 hours so that a guy replies back to me..

Sorry, but no.. I can wait 2 hours or 3, but even that is pushing it.

 

If someone is not replying back and not communicating well, then no. Bye! I'll end it too

I agree. I said that once and people here thought I was crazy!!! But when someone is into you, their replies are usually rather instantaneous. If someone takes hours, it’s generally bc the other person takes hours or they have a valid excuse like “I was asleep” Regularly taking hours to respond just doesn’t happen when someone is interested. Even people who don’t like to text know they have to keep their text game strong in between dates or the person they like could lose interest 

[Cersei]

I commend this guy. He is able to leave his phone in another room (or wherever) he leaves it. So many of us can't leave the phone more than a couple feet away.

I think we can learn a lot from him. There is nothing wrong with his texting. Once a say is fine,

And what is it you are texting him that is so important you need a reply from him? Is it just visiting or genuine questions?

[Kballer]

I think you just need to chill. He is doing everything right. He tells you when you are together that he wants to be with you, and enjoys spending time with you. At this point, 6 weeks in, you just need to take a chill pill. If things work out-GREAT! If they don't work out-then it was never meant to be.

I DO NOT agree with texting, or calling, all the time between seeing each other. Whether I'm "busy", or my job allows it, or not... It's bad form. You want to have something to talk about when you are together.. Can't do that if you have covered every piece of new business in your life in texts or phone calls between seeing each other.

The fact that you are getting so worked up over his not responding to your texts immediately is YOUR PROBLEM... Unfortunately, unless you reign it in, you are making it HIS PROBLEM. 6 weeks in... He might decide that your neediness is not attractive in a potential life mate.. He may 86 you.. It won't be because he has no interest in you.. It will be because you are demanding too much of his time and YOU are driving him away. Guys like confident women. What you are doing right now does not project confidence. It projects neediness, and codependency. He sounds like a guy who has a mission.. A purpose in life.. The fact that he is not letting you pull him off his game is a huge positive for him. It shows he is focused on accomplishing what he has his sights on. It shows he is responsible. It shows that he is serious about getting s*** done. You, on the other hand... I don't for a second think he is "playing a game". I think he is simply going about his life... He probably wants you to be a part of that life.. If you'll stop acting like a petulant, attention-deficit-disorder, check. Some of the advise other posters are giving you.... I know it's just peoples personal opinions.. Mine is to just relax.. Take a breath.. And just be ready to shower your attention on him when you get together. The time between seeing each other allows the mystery to build. Enjoy that time between.

[JiltedJane]

Geez dude... I appreciate the advice .... but that escalated quickly 

[rjc149]

16 hours ago, JiltedJane said:

Again, I’m getting up there in age and I don’t want to waste my time. On the other hand, I don’t want to let someone go and go back to dating complete a-holes again. 

Oh come on, 55 is “getting up there in age” not 35. You’re still relatively young in the grand scheme of life. Take care of yourself, keep making the effort to look attractive and don’t make excuses for yourself for letting your appearance go, and the wall won’t hit you that hard. 

I know women in their 40’s who take good care of themselves and enjoy active dating lives as single women. Don’t let societal pressure on women to settle down after 30 make you desperate. That’s unattractive.

[JiltedJane]

40 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

Oh come on, 55 is “getting up there in age” not 35. You’re still relatively young in the grand scheme of life. Take care of yourself, keep making the effort to look attractive and don’t make excuses for yourself for letting your appearance go, and the wall won’t hit you that hard. 

I know women in their 40’s who take good care of themselves and enjoy active dating lives as single women. Don’t let societal pressure on women to settle down after 30 make you desperate. That’s unattractive.

It is when you want to start a family

[rjc149]

25 minutes ago, JiltedJane said:

It is when you want to start a family

I guess, just don’t rush in and settle for something that only meets your biological self-fulfillment. Putting a man and your children through a divorce because you’ve already procreated and now you’re moving on, is maliciously self-centered. 
 

I’m sensing this guy may be clued into your urgent search for a sperm donor and child support. 

[JiltedJane]

 

1 hour ago, rjc149 said:

I guess, just don’t rush in and settle for something that only meets your biological self-fulfillment. Putting a man and your children through a divorce because you’ve already procreated and now you’re moving on, is maliciously self-centered. 
 

I’m sensing this guy may be clued into your urgent search for a sperm donor and child support. 

No I have not pushed that issue at all. And quite frankly the insults and accusations being hurled at me by some people are unjustified. 

I am the first to admit that I’m anxious and at times even paranoid. I am NOT bombarding this guy with texts NOR have I nagged him on the issue. If I don’t hear from him, I will send the first message and then wait tortuously. I am beyond capable of panicking silently without pulling him into a tantrum. AND,.. I am certainly NOT pressuring him into settling down too soon and using him for babies.

i just wanted peoples insight into his texting behavior and whether or not I should calm down or walk away. 

[Legatus]

1 hour ago, rjc149 said:

I guess, just don’t rush in and settle for something that only meets your biological self-fulfillment. Putting a man and your children through a divorce because you’ve already procreated and now you’re moving on, is maliciously self-centered. 
 

I’m sensing this guy may be clued into your urgent search for a sperm donor and child support. 

I don't mind some assumptions and speculations but I think that's just a bit too far fetched. 

She didn't bombard the guy, she may have some anxiety because she likes him and you guys brand her like she's crazy, needy, and maybe even unstable. 

@JiltedJane not sure why some people got so defensive of him. Probably because they also prefer the old method of not messaging at all like it was in the 90s and it's better to blame it on the anxious person rather than admit that the times, indeed, changed.. 

The bottom line is that you did make your communication needs known to him, now it's up to him to either make a small gesture by being more communicative or not. I would say next time you send a message, send it only if you don't expect him to answer. He might and I'm sure you'll be glad but basically do not expect that he will do what he wants. It's super hard as I've been going through the same thing. I can't be dependent on the other person's communication. If he doesn't make this small gesture then you know that it's too big o a deal for you to handle right now and walking away seems like the best way..

[FMW]

It sounds like he is interested in you, but he has other things going on and he isn't tethered to his phone all the time.  His communication preference is different than yours.  You aren't wrong for wanting/needing more, but he's also not wrong for not meeting your texting expectations.  

You just have to decide if you like him enough to deal with it.  Nothing wrong with deciding to move along.  

[The Outlaw]

If he won't reply, give him a call instead. Texting is just too impersonal and it just can't beat doing it the old fashioned way.   

[Miss Spider]

IMO, if someone’s looking to settle down quickly it’s all the more reason to cut off time wasters asap

Edited January 21, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[rjc149]

Sorry I didn’t mean to come off as accusatory. The underlying theme of your thread is that you’re anxious, his communication patterns are triggering you, and you want to know who’s being reasonable because you’re confused. I understand what you’re asking.

Maybe I was reacting indignantly to a general disposition that women have when in their 30’s, that “oh just pick someone already, anyone will do, you’re running out of time!” that I’ve seen lead to divorced and heartbroken buddies and female friends. I’ve had women accuse me of being selfish because I won’t legally share my finances with a fly-by-night woman simply pursuing her selfish reproductive urges. Thing is, life goes on after you’ve had kids. Make sure it’s a life you want to keep living. These are not women I want sticking around. I want a woman pursuing a relationship with ME, not purely her self-fulfillment. It’s a red flag I watch out for.

You’ve directly stated that a driver of your dating anxiety is that you’re running out of time to settle down and start a family. I was just commenting on that with my own personal sentiment on the matter.

My take: this guy is not as interested as you are. I am avoidant and I’ve pursued a player strategy of playing aloof “make em wonder” games with women I was excited about. I don’t take 14 hours to reply to her. I take 14 hours to reply to a girl I’m trying to distance myself from, maybe who’s even annoying me, and drop “you’re just a FWB” hints to. 

[CarbonCopy]

On 1/20/2020 at 10:31 AM, rjc149 said:

Guy here. 
 

I get tired of keeping up ongoing text conversations, even with women I’m crazy about. It’s laborious, and if she isn’t in my physical company, I really don’t feel the need to chit chat back and forth via text. I was in a long-distance situation with a girl I was really crazy about, but I really didn’t like the obligation for daily, ongoing communication. She thought I wasn’t as into it as she was and that caused her to disconnect. Our communication expectations were incompatible. It ended.

I prefer the simpler days of landline and answering machine, where you used the phone to set up meetings or the occasional evening phone chat. When you were not on call with your SO 24/7. When you could live your purpose without checking in with someone several times a day.

Now you’ve got this device attached to your body at all times that makes relationships 100x more anxiety-provoking. So many more ways to misread, manipulate, and play games.

So maybe this guy is like me. He quickly tires of ongoing text dialogue. He likes you, but genuinely has other s*** going on in his life that he cares about too. He prefers to touch base and connect when the day is drawing to a close. And he doesn’t feel the need to communicate each and every day. Sometimes a bit of mystery, a bit of missing each other, is good for the relationship.

Great post! And I totally agree. My boyfriend has told me from the beginning he's a horrible texter and thinks it's a bad form of communication. He thinks it's better to let things build up and then talk about them in person as opposed to having meaningless small talk over text. It used to bother me at first but now I agree with this approach. We don't contact each other every day but that doesn't mean we're losing interest or not thinking about each other. 

[Legatus]

@CarbonCopy that's why there's never a one fits all approach. I think if you're really into each other you could text every minute and it wouldn't take away any interest when meeting in person. I used to date a girl and we would text pretty consistently. It would be even better when we saw each other face to face, mostly because I didn't have to tell her a long story about my week but she would pick the things that were interesting and we would talk about them, and vice versa. 

Not sure why people are afraid so much of a little bit of texting. If you feel like it can extinguish your flame then to me it would be a very poor flame..

[CarbonCopy]

15 hours ago, Legatus said:

@CarbonCopy that's why there's never a one fits all approach. I think if you're really into each other you could text every minute and it wouldn't take away any interest when meeting in person. I used to date a girl and we would text pretty consistently. It would be even better when we saw each other face to face, mostly because I didn't have to tell her a long story about my week but she would pick the things that were interesting and we would talk about them, and vice versa. 

Not sure why people are afraid so much of a little bit of texting. If you feel like it can extinguish your flame then to me it would be a very poor flame..

I didn't say there was anything wrong with texting. In fact my boyfriend and I do text (although not too much). I honestly am a texter and I could text all day, every day, but he's not and I've learned to adapt to that. It's not even about extinguishing the flame. For him he's not a fan of small talk and that's generally what texting is. We do talk on the phone and video chat occasionally though, which is much better than texting. 

[Legatus]

I agree, I hate phone calls, always dreaded them even in the 90s but I really like video chats where you can see the other person, read the cues and body language. 

[JiltedJane]

Okay so over the last few days this guy has been messaging me first and keeps the convo going for the most part....so I was feeling better.

Now the confusing part... The last time I saw him we had plans to hang out today (Friday). When I asked if he was still coming over he said no he’s hanging with a friend, maybe Sunday?

obviously I’m  annoyed af so I said “ that’ll be over a week since we’ve seen each other”

his reply ”how you holding up ?”

I reply” not as well as you apparently” 

he replies “ I’m sorry I was just being stupid” and then continued to send me texts through the night. 

I’m so mad that I basically only texted him one word replies for every three-four messages he sent me. I hate having to act passive-aggressive but i figure that better than going ballistic.

im so confused about his behavior and what I should do in general. 

[JiltedJane]

And for the record-I fully acknowledge that not seeing each other during the weekdays is partially my fault. 

[FMW]

I hate to say it, but making plans with a friend when he had previously discussed doing something with you is a big stop sign.  Unless you misunderstood about specific plans - as in a discussion of hey let's get together next weekend, maybe Friday, I'm not sure..... But even then, he should have made plans with you a priority over new plans with someone else.

I can defend his lack of texting enthusiasm, but not flaking on plans.  He's either not very interested in building your relationship or he's cocky and on an ego trip or both.  Either way, not a good thing since you are really interested in him.  

  

[Miss Spider]

Maybe stop responding. If he isn’t making plans to see you it’s because he doesn’t care that much to do so. Same with the texting. Maybe time to move on and talk to more interested people if you aren’t already 

Edited January 25, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[JiltedJane]

So I had conversation with him yesterday in person and asked what’s going on. He basically just sucks at texting, and is reluctant to push the relationship forward because of the drive. We’re 75 min apart.

He said he’s absolutely crazy about me and wants to make it work, but the “distance” makes it hard. I put my heart on the line and said I’d be willing to compromise to make it work. I’d drive down to him, and he can come by my place when he’s done with work. He works 20 min from my place. I said all I needed was to hear from him once a day. I told him to think about it and left. When I left he was tearing up and gave me a hug and wouldn’t let go. Gave me s big kiss on my cheek and I squirmed away because I didn’t want him to see me cry. He begged me to tell him when I got home. I texted I was back but I Haven’t heard from him since, don’t expect to.

i feel like after 14 dates I deserve some kind of commitment? Did I mess up or is 14 dates okay to have that talk?

[Miss Spider]

Hey no it wasn’t too soon. Sorry to hear it didn’t work out. One thing I would suggest is to try to find guys who live closer next time. It can work if both people really want it to, but it’s a lot easier to not have that obstacle. 

Edited January 27, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[JiltedJane]

I honestly don’t even think 75 minutes is a big deal. I’ve driven much further for people before, and they for me.

[Miss Spider]

I understand. It doesn’t bother some people, but for a lot of people it’s too far. That’s almost 3 hours of your day round trip being eaten by driving. Not to mention a lot of guys want to see their gfs often. So 3 hours every day or every other day or so would add up. Some people intentionally match with people far away so they can keep things casual with them. They know that you can’t expect them to see you often anyway...

Edited January 28, 2020 by Cookiesandough