rjc149 Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 (edited) Guy here. I get tired of keeping up ongoing text conversations, even with women I’m crazy about. It’s laborious, and if she isn’t in my physical company, I really don’t feel the need to chit chat back and forth via text. I was in a long-distance situation with a girl I was really crazy about, but I really didn’t like the obligation for daily, ongoing communication. She thought I wasn’t as into it as she was and that caused her to disconnect. Our communication expectations were incompatible. It ended. I prefer the simpler days of landline and answering machine, where you used the phone to set up meetings or the occasional evening phone chat. When you were not on call with your SO 24/7. When you could live your purpose without checking in with someone several times a day. Now you’ve got this device attached to your body at all times that makes relationships 100x more anxiety-provoking. So many more ways to misread, manipulate, and play games. So maybe this guy is like me. He quickly tires of ongoing text dialogue. He likes you, but genuinely has other s*** going on in his life that he cares about too. He prefers to touch base and connect when the day is drawing to a close. And he doesn’t feel the need to communicate each and every day. Sometimes a bit of mystery, a bit of missing each other, is good for the relationship. Edited January 20, 2020 by rjc149 5
Author JiltedJane Posted January 20, 2020 Author Posted January 20, 2020 Sadly it’s not 1980 though. We live in a cell obsessed world. I don’t know if it’s too early to have a more thorough discussion on this. It’s only been 6 weeks but I’m almost 35, I don’t have time for nonsense.
Legatus Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 29 minutes ago, rjc149 said: Now you’ve got this device attached to your body at all times that makes relationships 100x more anxiety-provoking. So many more ways to misread, manipulate, and play games. I so agree with this. I'm making this my priority this year. I got myself get too attached to this social media communication even though my favourite methods have always been letters and video calls. I have this friend from Australia, we message every now and then, but we Skype once a month or less and it's glorious. But also that's why I know that for me, this time, it was about something different. @JiltedJane you need to find out if this is a pattern for you and whether you can break it, or it's different. If it's the latter, then I'm sure it's about something else rather than simple need for him to answer. 1
rjc149 Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 (edited) 14 minutes ago, JiltedJane said: Sadly it’s not 1980 though. We live in a cell obsessed world. I don’t know if it’s too early to have a more thorough discussion on this. It’s only been 6 weeks but I’m almost 35, I don’t have time for nonsense. I'm 35. Even in 2004 when I was in college, in the Nokia/flip phone era, texting was in its infancy. The cell phone was used to make calls, to arrange meetups with the person you were dating. You weren't expected to make quick little check-in calls several times a day while the other person was busy doing something else. That would just be super clingy and needy, and unnecessary. Now, texting makes those needy check-ins easier and ... obligatory. It's changed the nature of our romantic relationships. Now, being busy with life means you don't care about her that much. At 6 weeks in, it's soon for this discussion. You've already made it clear that his text behavior is inadequate for you. Continuing to bug him about it will be clingy and may very likely start pushing him away. If he doesn't change his approach to communication, you'll either have to accept that, or move on to someone who will meet your communication requirements. It's not reasonable to expect, or demand, someone to make fundamental changes to their communication patterns to satisfy someone they've been seeing for 6 weeks. Edited January 20, 2020 by rjc149 1
Miss Spider Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, JiltedJane said: Messaged him 14 hrs ago. No reply. My gut is telling me it’s the beginning of the end. Yeah I’m sorry. That is way too long. He just doesn’t care at that point. No way I would ever date someone who took that long to reply to contact without a valid reason.... Edited January 20, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1
rjc149 Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, JiltedJane said: Messaged him 14 hrs ago. No reply. My gut is telling me it’s the beginning of the end. Okay, 14 hours means you're not on his mind, or he's not interesting in interacting with you over text. For whatever reason. What was the message you sent? Was it asking him a question, or just some meme/gif intended to get him to react and respond? I dated a girl who used to keep sending me memes and gifs and emojis and Instagram pictures and this and that. If I responded, she would send another barrage of texts. It got irritating very quickly. So I would take hours to acknowledge her texts, because I didn't want to delve into a meaningless text banter dialogue. I want to add that some guys who subscribe to 'player' tactics do this deliberately to manipulate you into chasing more. Also, you may want to consider the possibility that he's got other women on his plate. Were you guys in a some fight or disagreement about something? Edited January 20, 2020 by rjc149 1
2BGoodAgain Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 there are two types of persons like this... and they are both REAL people... in that they do exist. 1) they prioritize the people they're with, do not mix phone with social. as in they do NOT pick up their phones. either morals, ethics, personal disdain, etc. 2) they don't involve their phone b/c they're hiding diff people/diff lives.... honestly, i think he's just not the smartphone person type.. you've said it yourself, when he's with you, he doesn't get on his phone.. he gives you 100% him. if that's the case, then you need to accept this, and face whatever insecurity demons you have that's making you anxious. i don't think he's gonna change. 1
Author JiltedJane Posted January 20, 2020 Author Posted January 20, 2020 No fight or disagreements. I asked him “ hey how’s it going?” After not hearing from him since Saturday afternoon
rjc149 Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 1 minute ago, JiltedJane said: No fight or disagreements. I asked him “ hey how’s it going?” After not hearing from him since Saturday afternoon Hmmm. Yeah, I think he's blowing you off. Ignoring an attempt to connect emotionally 'how are you' text for 14 hours indicates low interest. This is distancing behavior. Do you generally light his phone up with texts? Are you sending him "how are you" texts every day or otherwise checking in with him too frequently? As I mentioned above, a lot of guys find the obligation to keep pace with lots of texting to be tiresome and annoying. 1 1
Miss Spider Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 (edited) I think also he is blowing you off. But let’s just say he’s not. He’s only seeing you once or twice a week, and not responding to your efforts to communicate for over 16 hours(?), and not communicating at all for almost two days(?), then the most he wants is a part time lover. Is this what you want. End it Edited January 20, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1
Author JiltedJane Posted January 20, 2020 Author Posted January 20, 2020 I’ll message once a day, usually if he doesn’t reach out first. I don’t bombard with texts, I like to play aloof. i finally just got three messages from him at noon. He claimed to be sick all day yesterday . Im not sure how to reply or how long to let him sweat this out. 1
rjc149 Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 13 minutes ago, JiltedJane said: I’ll message once a day, usually if he doesn’t reach out first. I don’t bombard with texts, I like to play aloof. i finally just got three messages from him at noon. He claimed to be sick all day yesterday . Im not sure how to reply or how long to let him sweat this out. Messaging him once a day, and always being the initiating party, is not playing aloof. That's a little needy at 6 weeks in. Being sick in bed all day, in this day in age, doesn't mean you're apart from your phone all day. He had his phone with him. He saw your texts. He opted to not reply, for whatever reason. Best reply "I hope you're feeling better" then DO NOT initiate with him until he initiates a dialogue with you. I would also stop texting him daily. If he's never initiating the first text, there's no reason for you to pick up the slack. 2
Miss Spider Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 The good ol’ ‘I was sick’. Never fails. Because it’d be unreasonable to question that, right. I’ll never understand why people put up with this stuff 1
rjc149 Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 It's still more believable than "my phone died." 1
Legatus Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 50 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: The good ol’ ‘I was sick’. Never fails. Because it’d be unreasonable to question that, right. Exactly.. I feel like anything to do with health is the best excuse for people like that because they make the other party feel bad for questioning its validity. Perhaps people are right, in the past we didn't have texts or, when I was a teenager, they were very expensive. We used to give each other signals by phoning and then hanging up, to let other people know we were thinking of them. But these are different times. Technology is here and it's meant to be used. I can't comprehend how sending ONE text a day is considered cliingy/needy. Not to mention it's purely subjective anyway. Just because she needs some contact doesn't mean she's needy in the negative sense of this word. I think it's rather the other people that are not keeping up with times. If somebody has a busy job without the phone - fine, but sending one message at the end of the day to indicate interest, is neither needy nor difficult. Same with "I was tired/busy, sick/ill, bla bla bla". I agree with people saying you can't have relationship over the text. Of course you can't. But just as we would give each other ring signals in the 90s it's totally okay to require a small gesture, here and there, to keep mind at ease. A lot of people make a big deal out of it. I understand people are not big texters but if empathy was at the core of the relation, and to me it means both parties are fairly interested, then the "small texter" would have no problem changing their behaviour slightly to accommodate the other person's feelings and not cause them unnecessary anxiety. Especially if she already mentioned it to that guy. 1
preraph Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 The very reason you are able to talk for hours and have great conversations because he's not texting all that. If you text each other everything, there's nothing left to talk about when you see each other that isn't repetitive and some smart people know that. On top of that bed textures are usually busy productive people, which is a plus. 1 1
Legatus Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 @peraph I can see what you mean but i think that's just one side. Those texting conversations can sometimes open up floodgates of common thinks to talk about and the interactions face to face are even better. And in your case we are talking literally hours of texting, which nobody really says we should go to such extreme... 1
rjc149 Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 1 hour ago, Legatus said: If somebody has a busy job without the phone - fine, but sending one message at the end of the day to indicate interest, is neither needy nor difficult. Same with "I was tired/busy, sick/ill, bla bla bla". I agree with people saying you can't have relationship over the text. Of course you can't. But just as we would give each other ring signals in the 90s it's totally okay to require a small gesture, here and there, to keep mind at ease. At the end of the day, two people simply may not be on the same page in terms of communication -- frequency, warmth, etc. Some people do not need daily reassurance that they are loved cared about. Anxiously-attached women do, however. If you're dating an anxious woman, some modes of communication, particularly from avoidant types, will kill the connection and drive her away. You need to understand that she needs daily contact and daily reassurance. What you told her yesterday means nothing today if she hasn't heard from you. Either you can adapt to her, or you can't. Or won't. I dated a woman who was very anxious. She had a problem with the "how are you" check-in in the evening, she needed more than that. She had problem with me not needing to text daily. I was making her too anxious. But she is who she is, and I am who I am. It didn't work out. Sometimes, you're just not aligned on key aspects like communication, and it can't work. That's why you date. To find someone who can meet your needs. OP's boyfriend is not meeting her needs. He is spiking her anxiety. He doesn't seem willing to change, because maybe he's just not that into it. OP needs to open her options back up.
Legatus Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 Totally agree with you @rjc149, but can't you notice how the stigma is always on the side of those who may need a bit more contact. Even you used very charged words like "reassurance they are loved cared about" whereas all I'm saying is that a bit of contact is just a nice gesture that can work wonders of a little more anxious minds. 1
rjc149 Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 Just now, Legatus said: Totally agree with you @rjc149, but can't you notice how the stigma is always on the side of those who may need a bit more contact. Even you used very charged words like "reassurance they are loved cared about" whereas all I'm saying is that a bit of contact is just a nice gesture that can work wonders of a little more anxious minds. I agree. I could have sent her "thinking of you" or "hope your day is going well" or something small like that, at least once in a while. No one is too busy to send little texts like that.But I didn't feel the need to do that, even if that's what she wanted. There's also a stigma on men who are not sufficiently communicative. You'll see a lot of advice on here to women that they should immediately cut bait with men who don't communicate satisfactorily. Non-expressive men are pariahs here on LS. Men raised along "strong silent" masculine archetypes have to learn relationships the hard way.
Legatus Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 (edited) I won't pretend that I didn't feel anxious without the contact with the girl I dated recently. I mean I have so many friends that respond like snails and I'm fine. This one time I was angry at myself because I couldn't even understand where the anxiety came from, now I think I found the reason, but, as you're saying, even a small text every now and then would totally make me calm and I would be fine for another day or two. The key here is whether people can find enough empathy to realise what can help the other side. I don't play games, so I wouldn't wait some time to respond if I happened to see somebody's message straight away. Saying that I am thinking about going on social media detox as I didn't like who I became recently. Anyway, if you can put aside the pride and the hard archetypes, whether a person is a man or a woman, appreciating how little can achieve so much is the key.. Edited January 20, 2020 by Legatus
preraph Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 She said in her post that she hears from him "at least once a day." And she still gets anxious? That's more her issue, her anxiety. 1
Author JiltedJane Posted January 21, 2020 Author Posted January 21, 2020 Ideally I just want a “good morning” and “good night” text daily. Just something small to know he’s thinking of me. Even if he just did the morning text and I did the evening. Occasionally something along the lines of “ hey how’s your day?” I don’t need deep, thought provoking conversations. I just need one text a day and to be answered in a reasonable amount of time Again, I’m getting up there in age and I don’t want to waste my time. On the other hand, I don’t want to let someone go and go back to dating complete a-holes again. 1
Noproblem Posted January 21, 2020 Posted January 21, 2020 (edited) If he is bad texter. Call him instead! Problem solved! Edited January 21, 2020 by Noproblem
Noproblem Posted January 21, 2020 Posted January 21, 2020 (edited) 8 hours ago, Cookiesandough said: I think also he is blowing you off. But let’s just say he’s not. He’s only seeing you once or twice a week, and not responding to your efforts to communicate for over 16 hours(?), and not communicating at all for almost two days(?), then the most he wants is a part time lover. Is this what you want. End it Yeah I would not be able to wait 16 hours so that a guy replies back to me.. Sorry, but no.. I can wait 2 hours or 3, but even that is pushing it. If someone is not replying back and not communicating well, then no. Bye! I'll end it too Edited January 21, 2020 by Noproblem 1
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