JiltedJane Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 I started dating a guy about 6 weeks ago who is legit the worst texter ever. It takes him hours to respond and even then we don't have convos via text. I know its only been 6 weeks, but i really like him and hes the first person in a long time that i have chemistry with. I do hear from him at least once a day and in person he is great, we talk for hours into the night. I have noticed that he NEVER touches in phone when were together, even when he spends the night. He puts his phone on the table by the door and it stays there until he leaves. However, lately I'm the one who has been reaching out to him first everyday and it takes him forever to text back. I told him how anxious this makes me, and he said that hes had that complaint for years. This makes me nervous because I don't know if hes using that as an excuse or losing interest. We can only see each other once or twice a week for the next few months as I'm finishing grad school and we live 90min apart. I dont need to be texting all day, but i get so nervous having to wait forever for a reply and lack of convo during the week. I'd appreciate any words to calm me down or ways to discuss this with him further that won't make me sound desperate or crazy.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 You never would have survived dating in the 20th century! This is how things were before cell phones and billions of relationships survived. 4
Miss Spider Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 (edited) Some people are bad texters/don’t like communicating that way. I am that way. You say you live a bit far away. Do you feel like he enthusiastic about seeing you? I feel like if you aren’t interested in texting but you are interested in the person, you still make sure to find other ways to connect. If he’s okay with seeing and speaking to you minimally and you aren’t, you may be incompatible. Edited January 20, 2020 by Cookiesandough
Author JiltedJane Posted January 20, 2020 Author Posted January 20, 2020 7 minutes ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said: You never would have survived dating in the 20th century! This is how things were before cell phones and billions of relationships survived. I probably wouldn't be in my mid thirties and single either,lol. at least i hope not.
Author JiltedJane Posted January 20, 2020 Author Posted January 20, 2020 6 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: Some people are bad texters/don’t like communicating that way. I am that way. You say you live a bit far away. Do you feel like he enthusiastic about seeing you? I feel like if you aren’t interested in texting but you are interested in the person, you still make sure to find other ways to connect. If he’s okay with seeing and speaking to you minimally and you aren’t, you may be incompatible. He always seems excited to see me and will tell me that he thought about/ missed me all week (could be bs, idk). My schedule is limiting because of school, hopefully in the next few weeks things will speed up. 1
Miss Spider Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 Based on what you said, he’s just not a big texter 2
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 It makes you anxious because your attraction for him is building when he makes himself unavailable to you. Also, if I am hanging out with somebody and they are just on their phone all the time, it is irritating as all hell. Or when I am having a coffee date with a woman and she puts her phone on the table in front of her, rather than in her pocket... When somebody puts their phone out in front of them like that, it says to me that their phone is more important than the time we are spending together... Too many people try to have a relationship through their phone, that is not what the phone is meant for, it is meant to set appointments and have KEY communications... LIke using your phone as a vehicle to have a relationship through doesn't make it anymore of a relationship... Like you said, you two talk well into the night, OK, so why does he need to text you then? 3
Author JiltedJane Posted January 20, 2020 Author Posted January 20, 2020 the distance and not seeing each other during the week just makes me worried. Again, i wonder if hes slow fading or one day going to ghost. I dated a guy for two years who just ghosted one day, so i have that baggage.... I'm trying not to bring past relationship ghosts into this one, but the more i date, the more i see that most people pull the same stuff
Ami1uwant Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 43 minutes ago, JiltedJane said: I probably wouldn't be in my mid thirties and single either,lol. at least i hope not. You are overanalyzing this... do you call each other? He just isnt a texter snd fiesnt look at text. Unsure what his job is but he might not be able to have his phone with him.
snowboy91 Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 1 hour ago, JiltedJane said: I do hear from him at least once a day and in person he is great, we talk for hours into the night. I have noticed that he NEVER touches in phone when were together, even when he spends the night. He puts his phone on the table by the door and it stays there until he leaves. Well this answers your question. He isn't someone who feels as if he needs to be attached to his phone all the time. To me, how he behaves around you in person is more telling than frequency of texting. If he's losing interest, you'll start to notice when you spend time with him. Also - depending on what his job is, he may not have time to text you at any point during the day. Or he's focused heavily on work and leaves personal texts until later in the day. 1
Author JiltedJane Posted January 20, 2020 Author Posted January 20, 2020 we don't talk on the phone Im okay with that though-im the worst with talking on the phone. His job isn't that busy.
Ami1uwant Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 13 minutes ago, JiltedJane said: we don't talk on the phone Im okay with that though-im the worst with talking on the phone. His job isn't that busy. Having phone access has nothing to do with busy job. some can’t use a cell for safety or distraction reasons some can’t receive a cell signal from where they work some have a locker because they need to change. They leave the cell in there only getting it at lunch or breaks.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 Not enough evidence to know. He has always been a poor texter, but then again, has his texting habits changed? Seems so. You live 90 minutes from one another and see each other once or twice a week...you have no idea what he is doing during the 5-6 days you are not together. You don't talk and your communication while apart is scant. Also, as texting is the norm today and people hold onto their phones like an extra appendage, there really are very few reasons not to send out quick texts during the day. Some people are legitimately busy, but you say that your "bf" is not in a profession that is all that busy. Perhaps you should make efforts to see him where he is for a day or two during the week as well? It could help with your anxiety if you two see each other more or talk over the phone by setting up regular times? 1
Author JiltedJane Posted January 20, 2020 Author Posted January 20, 2020 For at least the next two months, I’m in clinicals 12 hours a day and I work other days in 12 hr shifts, so I can’t make the effort to see him extra during the week. He’s always been an awful Texter, even by his own admission. This week in particular it’s taking longer than usual to responsd- if at all. And I’m the one who keeps reaching out first.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 2 minutes ago, JiltedJane said: For at least the next two months, I’m in clinicals 12 hours a day and I work other days in 12 hr shifts, so I can’t make the effort to see him extra during the week. He’s always been an awful Texter, even by his own admission. This week in particular it’s taking longer than usual to responsd- if at all. And I’m the one who keeps reaching out first. Seems like you are the one who is too busy or should be to text. I have been in relationships with doctors and lawyers...busy people and they were able to respond adequately during the day. I'm also very busy and if it is someone I am truly into, I will find the time. ...if at all... hmmmmmm....
ExpatInItaly Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 Are you sure you want to keep this going, OP? Your communication patterns and expectations are totally different, and you concede you're the one initiating most of the time. While he's not too far away, he also doesn't live close enough for you two to see each other more. I see a lot of incompatibilities cropping up here. I would personally take a step back in terms of reaching out, and observe. See what he does of his own volition. Decide if you can be satisfied with this sort of relationship. 1
MsJayne Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 Not everyone's addicted to their 'phone. I think it's great that he never touches his 'phone when he's with you. That's good manners in action, (it could also be because he doesn't want you to see what's on his screen - but we won't go there). I can relate to his 'phone habits because I'm one of those people who hate text convos. I figure if you have something to tell me, call me, but if you just feel like chit chat then I'm not your person. It irritates me when someone needs constant reassurance via text, like they're really needy and they just want to keep that line of communication open like some sort of personal emotional support line. The great thing about not talking to someone every day is that when you do talk, you have lots to talk about. In answer to your question, slow fade or bad texting? I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings, but I think it's probably the slow fade - he's using the old "yes, I've had that complaint for years" which, translated, means, "You're not the first chick I've strung along". My advice would be, stop initiating communication and see what happens. 2 1
Miss Spider Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 Msjayne but what makes you think he’s just using it as an excuse and just doesn’t like to text r? Just curious because I’m same way
MsJayne Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 Because the OP told him it makes her anxious that he doesn't reply within what's an acceptable time frame to her, but he still does it...so I figure he doesn't care. 1 1
JTSW Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 Hi JiltedJane I honestly don't think you have anything to worry about. I really don't think its the slow fade. He is just not big into texting. He leaves his phone untouched the whole time he is with you which confirms he's not bothered about it. He obviously prefers being 1 on 1.
Author JiltedJane Posted January 20, 2020 Author Posted January 20, 2020 Messaged him 14 hrs ago. No reply. My gut is telling me it’s the beginning of the end.
Legatus Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 @JiltedJane I've recently gone through something similar. It's weird because I was never like that in the past. I had an almost 2-year very long distance relationship (~7000 miles) and I was all right if we had a day or two of silence. Only recently, after I stopped seeing the girl that wan't a big texter either, I realised one thing. I subconsciously created a dependency. Her involvement in my life was from that moment directly connected to my level of anxiety and how I felt. Think about this anxiety. Why is it that you count hours between sending a message and him replying? To me it was difficult to understand that my job allows me to be constantly online whereas hers absolutely not. It didn't help that she would use her phone if we spend some time together, thankfully you don't have this problem. I think both of us, as I am still not out of the forest here, need to understand that people do prefer escalating relations face to face. That's how it used to be done (+ letters :)). Now we added the texting part, probably because we want to feel the connection, we want to have meaningful conversations, otherwise, perhaps we're afraid that what is built face to face fades away if you don't keep active connection in between. But if it's not strong enough to survive few days of no texting, was it really this strong in the first place? I believe once things reached a different level, those people realise that keeping in touch is more important.. It's hard to get your mind to understand that, believe me. I do think people here are right on two counts: 1. If somebody is super interested they're always going to find time - not right away but perhaps within some kind of norm (12h for example). But here we're talking about when both parties are so into each other straight away that they're eager to text. 2. Some people don't really need it.They look forward to seeing the other person face to face but in between they live their lives. 1
Legatus Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 19 minutes ago, Legatus said: I had an almost 2-year very long distance relationship (~7000 miles) and I was all right if we had a day or two of silence. Only recently, after I stopped seeing the girl that wan't a big texter either, I realised one thing. Can't edit my post, I meant to say that the relationship was a while ago, and the recent events were with somebody completely different
rightondude Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 It'd be different if his behavior had changed but you said he's always been like this. But that shouldn't stop you from telling him you need to hear from him more often (if that is in fact what you need). It would be up to him to figure out which way works best for him to make that happen for you.
smackie9 Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 Do this.....pretend it's 1980 when people didn't have cel phones. You went about your day, and made contact with a phone call when you got home from work or after you had dinner and were settling down for the evening. 2
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