I got the girl (eventually) but what if I was chasing the wrong one? ****update****

[fishlips]

Sometimes friends see things that we don't. Just saying!

 

[Versacehottie]

um pretty sure she likes you but like you doesn't want to mess up the friendship. Also you're the one with the girlfriend so it's harder for her to put herself out there too much worried about rejection.  Look back at the conversation you had with her.  About 3-4 times she tried to CONNECT with you, say you two were the same/same boat vs push you away.  Of course, she did it vaguely, subtly that's not to face rejection or push too much IMO and because you have a gf.  Think about it like this: when people (anyone) is turning you down and doesn't want to do or engage in whatever the subject is about, the conversation will resonate of NO, not now, not sure, excuses.  In this case, it resonated of SAME, SIMILAR, YOU AND ME BOTH.  She is definitely open to talking about it and has thought about it.  Sounds like she likes you too, for sure.  Good luck!

[Shepp]

21 hours ago, SurfsUpBuck said:

Okay, so we had some dominoes and a chat! To summarise it...

I told her about this mate of mine, what a mess he was after our night out, and I casually mentioned what he said to me. She was laughing/stropping about the fact he'd bigged up L's looks over hers.

Me: Do you buy into that thou?

Her: What people being meant to be or you & me being meant to be!?

Me: Haha well now I want to know both! (Thought I played that in pretty well )

Her: No. (She was pretty serious). I think it's a cop out. Sitting there and waiting for something to drop in your lap because it's "meant to be". I think you have to choose someone who you want to keep choosing even on the **** days.

Me: How do you choose them though.

Her: pfft I don't know that I'm the person to give advice on that!! My nan used to say that 'understanding their faults was more important than admiring their strengths'. I think maybe some of it is understanding you're own faults, my dating history is like an A-Z of the wrong guys for me, not all bad guys.

Me: ...Well, most of them were d!cks! 

Her: So you tell me, but you don't have the most amazing resume yourself [SurfsUpBuck]

Me: What's wrong with the girls I've dated?

Her: Nothing, but it was never going to last

Me: Why?

Her: Because you've never emotionally connected to any of them! Don't get me wrong, I see you be a good boyfriend, I see you go thorough the motions that you think you should, but that is what you're doing. I've never seen you emotionally connect!

Me:  (because what do you even say to that)

I got up and went to the kitchen to get another cider, then I came back in.

Me: So you think me and L wont last then?

Her: I didn't say that. I just think that I know a side of you that I think you hold back with other people, and if you're asking for my personal opinion of what's 'meant to be' then I think youre like my favourite boy on this whole bloody planet and you deserve to be in a relationship where you allow someone to be as close to you as you are to them.

Her: Anyway you tell me all the time I go for the wrong guys, so suck it up 

Me: Well, I'm not lying, you do! (I was just winding her up at that point).

Me: Maybe we're just as hopeless as each other then!

Her: Well then at least we're in good company, eh!

We we're sitting on the sofa and at this point she put her drink down and put her head on my shoulder. I dropped this whole subject area because I took on quite a lot of information and I just needed time to process. We just watched some tele and chatted about other stuff.. her sisters travel plans. my work problem, why her cat always tries to steal my cup of tea but never hers.. just the normal stuff. It all felt normal I guess! But I do feel a bit different (probably in the way @rightondude mentioned orginally) I feel so much more aware of her proximity, of when she sits close or when she touches me when shes talking, I never really noticed that stuff before!

 

Interesting that she picked out basically the exact same thing here as what you describe with your past relationships..

On 1/20/2020 at 9:51 PM, SurfsUpBuck said: Thanks guys! Thought provoking stuff! 

 Not to say I don't care about people, because I do. I'm a people person, I've moved around all my life pretty much and I've always made friends quickly. I think I'm a good friend. But when it's time to leave, so be it, I roll with it. I'm the same with girls.. I can really like someone. Really like them. And I think I'm a good boyfriend, ...I try to always consider someone i'm with in everything I do,  I'll be their biggest cheerleader, and I've certainly never done the dirty on a girl - I've never cheated...but...if it ends, it ends  You wouldn't find me crying into my beer over it. I believe what's meant to be will be, so if that particular paths not meant for me I'll bounce back!

 

I guess thats what I was thinking over in bed that night. 'M' is definitely an exception to that rule.. I wouldn't bounce back.

...

both your relationships - outside the friendship you have together - have apparently been quite short, not serious, or lacking something.

I wonder if you’re almost subconsciously c***blocking yourselves / each other! - Maybe you don’t form a strong connection with other girls because you’re keeping the one you have with her in top spot?

 

Either way, she didn’t seem completely thrown by the conversation hinting at you and her! So imagining you in that way can’t be a complete shock to her - that definitely bodes good for you! Plus if that conversation is in line with most you have then I think you probably could quite easily explain to her how you feel.. it seems as though you guys really are close enough to be able to handle the difficult conversations! 

[preraph]

Aw, let her sit with the conversation for a few days and see if she has any more thought about it.  It might have gotten under her skin.  I will say that she seems wise.  You may not be emotional enough for her, the way she talks about that.  

[Miss Spider]

Hmmm, but what about the gf? Are you break up with her or you just waiting until you know you have it in the bag to jump ship? Because it seems like you might be emotionally cheating on her a little bit by entertaining the possibility of actually having a romantic relationship with your friend.   

[SurfsUpBuck]

On 1/25/2020 at 3:26 PM, Versacehottie said:

um pretty sure she likes you but like you doesn't want to mess up the friendship. Also you're the one with the girlfriend so it's harder for her to put herself out there too much worried about rejection.  Look back at the conversation you had with her.  About 3-4 times she tried to CONNECT with you, say you two were the same/same boat vs push you away.  Of course, she did it vaguely, subtly that's not to face rejection or push too much IMO and because you have a gf.  Think about it like this: when people (anyone) is turning you down and doesn't want to do or engage in whatever the subject is about, the conversation will resonate of NO, not now, not sure, excuses.  In this case, it resonated of SAME, SIMILAR, YOU AND ME BOTH.  She is definitely open to talking about it and has thought about it.  Sounds like she likes you too, for sure.  Good luck!

 Ah yeah, I do get it. She wasn't exactly going to turn round and say 'she wants a relationship', 1) I have a girlfriend and 2) shes a pretty forthright girl, if she'd wanted to be that clear she wouldn't of waited for me to bring it up! I just kind of wanted to see how she would react!

I know that anything more probably does need to come from me!

I see what you're saying, yeah, definitely. I guess that's why I always feel like I could talk to her about anything, even when our views might be different, we still always seem able to find a way to relate.

 

On 1/25/2020 at 8:50 PM, Shepp said:

Interesting that she picked out basically the exact same thing here as what you describe with your past relationships..

...

both your relationships - outside the friendship you have together - have apparently been quite short, not serious, or lacking something.

I wonder if you’re almost subconsciously c***blocking yourselves / each other! - Maybe you don’t form a strong connection with other girls because you’re keeping the one you have with her in top spot?

Yeah. I mean she is right. She's bang on, I just never opened my eyes to it before, however, I wouldn't say that's a new thing for me though. I know I'm not perfect, I know I have things I need to work on as much as the next guy, and I know that I get on with people well I do have a bit of a Barney when it comes to really deeply connecting with people. They feel it, but me not so much. I CAN do it, but it takes a while, and that pre dates her.

Although, I guess you're right in a sense, having her in my life probably does fill an emotional connection that would other wise be lacking. But then at the same time that is a lot of what currently makes me nervous to push our relationship further.. I actually kinda don't know what I'd do without her. 

We're first class friends, but is that a guarantee that we'd be a good couple?

 

On 1/25/2020 at 8:58 PM, preraph said:

Aw, let her sit with the conversation for a few days and see if she has any more thought about it.  It might have gotten under her skin.  I will say that she seems wise.  You may not be emotional enough for her, the way she talks about that.  

I don't know, to be honest I've seen B&Q spanners with more emotion than some of her past boyfriends   Nah, I joke - she is smart, really smart, and I know take the Mick to wind her up, but like fair play to the girl, I think she always knew none of those guys we're really the one. You don't always date people that you see yourself marrying, having kids & retiring with, right!?

I certainly don't go into relationships like that!

But this is different, I would rather just stay as we are than date 'casually'.. I feel,  I feel like i'm not explaining myself very well tonight, but we get on so well, and she is fit, and the more I think about it the more I could see a future with us............but the relationship I currently have with her is one of the two most important ones in my whole life and it scares me to risk that.

 

23 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

Hmmm, but what about the gf? Are you break up with her or you just waiting until you know you have it in the bag to jump ship? Because it seems like you might be emotionally cheating on her a little bit by entertaining the possibility of actually having a romantic relationship with your friend.   

Uhhhh I know, I know. I'm in a right two and eight with that! I like her, but I don't know that how I feel is how you're meant to feel. So I was talking to my sister tonight about this (not about the M thing, just the L thing) and like before all this even happened, if L had walked in and broken up with me I'd of been the most understanding guy ever about it, I'd of wished her well, told her I'm still here if she needs me, and then carried on with my life. I figured that I felt like that because, it's all still relatively new. But from an outside perspective its not that new and the reality is its weird to be that okay with something ending.

I used to think that's okay because my internal rationalisation is that I'm a good boyfriend..... but it's not okay, she deserves someone that really feels something, that doesn't just go through motions.

And I feel like I'm being a coward and I don't want to do that either! 

...I had a half brother, he took his own life when he was 19, I'd of been 14 at the time. When he was younger, he used to have these full blown panic attacks, but when he got older they stopped. I remember him saying to me, in one of the last conversations we had, that he wasn't sad anymore, he just didn't feel anything. That was worse. ..He was my brother, but we we're such different people! I am not him, he could never be at peace, he could never find the joy in the little things - I love life! I'm really thankful! ..But I didn't realise the way I stay at a distance in romantic relationships until she [M] said it, and I don't want to do that, thats an injustice to everything that he taught me! I'd rather break me own heart than not really feel anything! I want to be all in!!

 

But that said.. breaking up with L is horrible, I hate letting people down, and I really feel like that is what I'm doing!

[preraph]

Well I think it's possible that one reason you have distance yourself emotionally is because of your half-brother leaving you and everybody. Abandonment. But like you said you are way different than him. You are basically happy and he was basically not. Sad. 

 

Next time you see her see if anything about the subject comes back up again. And then you could tell her she was right about you being distanced emotionally and also tell her that you feel closer to her than anyone. And see what happens then.but no there is never any guarantee that an old friendship can successfully turn into a romance. 

 

I'm just afraid if you don't at least try with her at some point it's going to keep you from moving on to another woman.

[fishlips]

I think if you were really in love with your GF, then you wouldn't be thinking about your friend at all. You would actually be a little uncomfortable about the idea that she might like you, but you seem to be pretty excited by it. The fact that your friend made a comment about the way the two of you look at each other seems like more than just a drunken coincidence to me.

They say, "nothing ventured, nothing gained." I think this may be one of those time where a gamble may pay off for you. And if it doesn't, if you two are really close friends, you'll find a way to keep your friendship intact.

[SurfsUpBuck]

On 1/26/2020 at 11:03 PM, preraph said:

Well I think it's possible that one reason you have distance yourself emotionally is because of your half-brother leaving you and everybody. Abandonment. But like you said you are way different than him. You are basically happy and he was basically not. Sad. 

Ah you know, I’ve been disappointed by people that maybe I should have been able to rely basically my whole life to be fair.. but I don’t feel like that about my bro! I think in a way we let each other down - I just couldn’t understand why someone who grew up in the family we did would ever ever use drugs...but truth was that I didn’t ever even try to understand!! I can’t rewrite that, I can’t be a better brother, but I’m definitely a more understanding guy! I’ve made a whole career these days out of mentoring teenagers, listening them, helping them make good choices - I reckon he’d be proud of that! 
 

On 1/26/2020 at 11:03 PM, preraph said:

Next time you see her see if anything about the subject comes back up again. And then you could tell her she was right about you being distanced emotionally and also tell her that you feel closer to her than anyone. And see what happens then.but no there is never any guarantee that an old friendship can successfully turn into a romance. 

 

I'm just afraid if you don't at least try with her at some point it's going to keep you from moving on to another woman.

Yeah I totally get that!! Like I’m bloody scared to roll that dice and lose! But if I don’t... am I actually too emotionally invested in her to even be able to try with anyone else! 
She might not even feel the same though, I guess that’s the first hurdle in itself! 

[preraph]

Yes I bet your brother would be proud of you for mentoring. 

 

I think you said she did things like lay her head on your shoulder. So maybe you could just up the ante a little and lay your head in her lap or something like that and just see what happens if you to get cozy.

[SurfsUpBuck]

I ended it with my gf today though.. which I know was the right thing to do, or at the least the fairest thing I could do!

but even so I just hate stuff like that! I hate being that guy! 
 

so ngl, sitting here feelin like a bit of a Brighton rock tonight really (..to put it cleanly! )

[SurfsUpBuck]

22 minutes ago, preraph said:

Yes I bet your brother would be proud of you for mentoring. 

 

I think you said she did things like lay her head on your shoulder. So maybe you could just up the ante a little and lay your head in her lap or something like that and just see what happens if you to get cozy.

Yeah.. she is like pretty touchy feely to be fair! I definitely feel like she’d reciprocate that if I turned it up a bit!

ill see her Friday so maybe I’ll just try and up it a like more 

thanks!

[fishlips]

I think you did the right thing to break up with your GF. You didn't seem fully invested in her. Good luck with your best friend. I hope it all works out for you. The best long term relationships seem to be the ones that are based on deep friendship, so you have a good start!

[SurfsUpBuck]

So M came to see me yesterday. I say came to see me, she basically burst in like a hurricane.

She'd heard from my foster sis that me and L had split up and basically flew in all "Tell me you haven't broken up with her just on what I said!"

I said "I didn't! Mate it wasn't what you said.. it was the fact that what you said was right!!" (Side Note: I need to stop calling her mate)

She was right, I really bloody liked L, like I held her/hold her in really high regard, I think she's a cracking girl....but was I emotionally invested? No not really. So ultimately I was just wasting her time, and she didn't deserve that!

 

She sort of calmed down then.

She was just like "I feel like I was a bit harsh. You can connect emotionally to people Jed! So you haven't found the right relationship - well join the club! There's nothing wrong with your ability to connect, I know that first hand! I mean that! ..Honest, sometimes I talk to you about stuff I wouldn't even talk to my mum about"

Me: "haha, thanks" (Rubbish response that! She gave me such a great opening but I had such a Barney deciding what to say and then didnt really say any of it)

Me: "I hope you know you mean the world to me" and I hugged her.

Her: "I do  .....Come on then fella, you've had a break-up, I feel like surely that gives us reason to order in dessert and watch some pony on netflix"

Me: "absobloodylutley"

 

So we did....... I guess it was basically normal, we chatted, we had a little cuddle, she stayed over so I slept on the sofa...

I didn't push it any further because 1) I was off guard and 2) I don't want her to think I'm just jumping straight into something because of just breaking up with L, that's not what I'm doing.

I kinda don't want to just hit on her because she happens to have walked into my house on a Thursday evening.. I think she deserves better.. like a proper date! ..... I didn't see her today other than this morning, so I guess maybe the weekend, I'll get her to meet me somewhere and then basically I'll need to be more open..

..dunno.. is it socially acceptable to just write it down and then read it out to her?? Maybe I should do that 

 

[fishlips]

Ask her on a date. Just sort of like, "what do you think of going to dinner with me?" I think she likes you, but doesn't want to move in on you after you just broke up with your GF. Same thing that you seem to be thinking. You could wait a bit, but then she might find someone else and move on if you don't say anything.

Good luck!

[2BGoodAgain]

that's the funny thing about breaking up with someone b/c you have your eyes on someone else... better...

you should break up with someone b/c they're not the right person for you, not b/c you found someone better...  i know it sounds like a nuance, but... it carries a double edged sword... for yourself and your next relationship...

however, regardless of all that... good luck to you.

[contel3]

Just wondering, are you like....attracted to her? Do you feel like you're in love with her?

It is normal to love our friends, sometimes to the point of feeling like you couldn't live without them. In a way it's also easier to open up to someone when you are not in a relationship with them, just because the expectations are different. Sometimes part of why we don't open up to people is because we are in a romantic relationship....and that can be scary.

I think regardless of what happens with M it's probably good you broke up with your girlfriend. Before you make a move, I'd try to figure out if you actually have romantic feelings for her though.