I got the girl (eventually) but what if I was chasing the wrong one? ****update****

[SurfsUpBuck]

Hey! So introducing me: I'm basically never girls 'type', that's not self-depreciation, that's just a truth that I am more than okay about  Pretty much every girl I've come across tells me they want 'tall, dark & handsome' and, while I don't consider myself a bad looking guy, I'm less Cristiano Ronaldo and more of a blonde, tatted, Iwan Rheon (calling all GOT fans!). However, I grow on you! Haha! I just love to make people laugh, I'm not exceedingly talented at any one particular thing, but I'm bloody good at putting a smile on someones face. So yeah, I tend to do okay with girls, It just normally takes them like a month to decide they fancy me 

What else to say about me... I love the beach, Mario Karts, Milkshake bars & hats. I don't like artificial plants, mosquitoes or traffic jams. It's also worth saying that I had a bit of a rocky start in life, I was the son of two addicts, I went to live with my gran when I was 7, when I was 10 she died and then I went into the care system and just kinda bounced around from foster home to foster home (bare with me, it becomes relevant).

When I was 15 I went to live with a widow and her 16 year old daughter 'C'. It was decent, especially compared to some of the homes I'd been to, but it was my relationship with 'C' that made that home for me. Honestly she was (and is) the big sister I never had, we really got on. Still do to be fair, she moved abroad with her bf when she was 20 but we still chat on facetime definitely every few weeks.

 

Anyway,  'C' had this best friend 'M', we all sort of hung out in the same crowd as teens. After foster sis moved abroad me and 'M' stayed mates, and I guess over the years from then till now (I'm 25) we've just got closer and closer. She gave me advice on girls and I was there when her boyfriend cheated. I was her PT in the gym and she was my pub garden buddy in the summer. I didn't have anywhere to live when I was 22 and we ended up living together for about a year. It's really cliche but she actually is my best friend, and whenever people say guys and girls can't be 'just friends' I'd of said they was all wrong and pointed to me and her.

Last April I met this girl 'L' and like, damn, she just ticked every box I've ever had and then some! She was a tough nut to crack though haha. Really wasn't into me at the start and then like everytime we got close or 'almost' got together the timing was always off, her ex would rock back up or something like that. I wasn't sitting round pining after her, but since that point no other girl really measured up, she made me think all those sappy movies about 'the one' might just have a point! The irony is that for all that time 'M' would take the p!ss out me for being "unlucky in love" but at the same time she was my wingwoman throughout, always giving me advice and bigging me up!

So a couple of months ago, all the stars finally line up and me and L start dating! I'm a happy boy, right? And I was! Only I went out with a few mates a couple of weeks ago, one of them has broken up with his fiance and he's taking it real hard. He drank too much, and he got upset, and I was putting him to bed on my sofa at 2am and he went "I don't ever want to spend so long forcing something to fit when it just doesn't. It shouldn't be like that. It shouldn't be so hard! I want what you have! You and 'M'".

I corrected him "Me and 'L'"

He says "'L's' a smokeshow, but you and 'M', I want people to just look at me and someone like that and think 'they're meant to be'.

 

Well guess which one of us two didn't sleep all night!  He doesn't even remember having the chat. Whereas I just can't forget.

 

I feel like, I don't know. So many things, my heads all over the shop and the person I'd normally talk to is her! Only this time I can't! ...My gran always said if you're ever confused you should put it in a list. So heres mine:

1) I've never looked at 'M' like that! Which sounds like something you say but don't mean, but it's true!

2) But now I am looking, I can't stop! I always go for the same 'type' of girl, and she is not it. Not at all. But she is attractive. Very attractive. I don't know why I haven't really noticed before 

3) I really like L, like nothing's changed. I've been sweet on her for such a long time, and I still get nervous before I see her! 

4) But I do get on better with 'M'! We have such good banter, she makes me laugh till I cry everytime we're together. Even if we're sitting in a traffic jam, on the way to an artificial plant shop, with a mosquito in the car... I'm still always pretty happy when I'm just kicking back with her.

5) So what if that's what its all about? And what if I've been chasing something without seeing whats right next to me for years!?

6) But then what If I ruin it!? 

7) She's my best friend! What if it doesn't work? 

8 ) Or what if she wouldn't even like me like that!? how do I know without laying cards on the table and risking making everything awkward?

9) What If I'm in the friendzone? How do you tell? 

Edited January 25, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[d0nnivain]

Sometimes love is friendship that caught fire.  If it doesn't work you do lose a best friend.   However, nothing ventured, nothing gained.  

First things 1st.  Are you willing to let go of L for a chance with M?  Don't think about anybody else.  Just what do you want?  If yes, then proceed.  If not, double down with L & forget what the heartbroken drunk on your couch said. 

Have you ever talked to C about you & M?  Maybe your "sister" knows things you don't.  Start there if you need a sounding board.  If C says she thinks this would work, break up with L & start talking seriously to M.  You open the private conversation with something like "have you ever wondered about us, if we could ever be more then friends?"  Gage her reaction.  If positive proceed.  If startled, give her some time to think.  Meaning change the subject then let her bring it up again in a few weeks.  If negative, brush it off as joke, then return to your regularly scheduled friendship.  

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

This is how it happens with all men, the second they start getting female attention, it comes in bundles; I call it Mojo. The key to this, is even when you are in a relationship, you keep your Mojo alive... You don't get any numbers or cheat or anything like this, you just simply talk with random women. Even married men, they have to keep their Mojo alive.

Your girlfriend will hate your Mojo, she will try to kill your Mojo and the second she does, she'll find you unattractive... You keep your mojo alive and your relationship stays alive, you let your Mojo die and you gotta work hard to get it back.

[Ami1uwant]

If I followed your story...yourfriendssid you and M should be a couple.

my rule over my time in dating...there is a window of opportunity for a friendjip to turn into a relationship.  If you miss it you can’t force it.

this situation you described could be a way to bring it up with her and try to have an open conversation to find out what she feels and you feel.  Before you do this you need to ask yourself coukd you live with her. Do you have coomin goals in life like having kids. Are their personality quirks you can handle when living together like bring at each other places you coukd have very different living styles.

 

 

[rightondude]

You seem like a great dude, congrats for rolling with life's punches and ending up with a seemingly great attitude about things. With that out of the way, your story here is straight out of the movies and sitcoms (like when Joey realized he liked Rachel in Friends) ... next time you see "M" you are likely to act a little different without even meaning to. I'd say try to notice her actions towards you like you never have before. Try not to come off as too different, but do put signals out there. Like if you normally don't compliment her appearance, make it a point to do so. Point out her choice of outfit or hairstyle or something. How does she react to that? Also, is "M" with anyone now or has she been previously?

Also, I'd say do your best not to act any differently with "L" ... who knows what that could evolve into? Maybe even something stronger than what you have with "M" with enough time? 

It's gonna be tough to make a choice ultimately, but I think based off your past you will make it work with all parties involved. I have my popcorn ready for the outcome brother!

 

[smackie9]

OK bro, it was just a silly comment from your buddy. People have different opinions, but it doesn't mean they have all the answers or are always right. You are over thinking, and letting this get out of hand. Keep dating L and enjoy it! You hoped so hard to get there so don't ruin it because someone made a drunken comment in passing. Man if I had a dime for every time I heard someone say, oh you guys would make a good couple or you guys would be good together...no we would not!

Edited January 20, 2020 by smackie9

[lurker74]

Stick with L. But only if you can really give her your honest self. If you secretly hope that she'll break up with you so that you can be with M then you're already done. And if that's the case, hold off on M for a while so that she doesn't feel like a consolation prize. But in the meantime, like @smackie9 said, it's just a comment from your drunk friend. This type of infatuation happens all the time.

A few weeks ago, I was at a friend's place and he showed me a new rifle he bought. I'm not a gun guy but it was really cool and I suddenly found myself wanting a rifle. Suddenly I became obsessed...doing the research, planning what I wanted. Finally I bought it. And it was really cool...for about 20 minutes. Then I realized the anticipation of it was more fun than actually having it. Don't get me wrong, it's a lot of fun to take to the range and shoot with it for 20 minutes, but then I still spent $700 on something that I only wanted because of my friend's introduction.

I know. Weird analogy, but still. Stick with L.

[Gr8fuln2020]

This is my reality...you don't know if it was the right one until you have the benefit of hindsight. While you are pursuing, you just don't know with any certainty. So, go with the woman that you feel most comfortable and do your best to make it work...you'll find out eventually. 

[preraph]

I feel like that as long as you and M were around each other, if things were going to get flirty because of underlying attraction, they already would have.  I mean there would have been a drunk romantic stare or touch or one of you slipping into bed and cuddling or something.  

My first instinct is simply to tell you L isn't the one because she's lukewarm on you and you deserve more.  But M may not be attracted to you and may view you more as a brother.  All you can do about that is maybe repeat that conversation that friend said letting her know people think you're a couple and see what she says, like "Oh, that would never work" or "I've thought about it."  But don't confess or make her feel awkward or say how hot she is. You don't want to lose her as a good friend.  When things get awkward, that's what happens.  Has she already confided in you what type guys she goes for and is looking for?  Have you listened?  Because if you're that close, I bet she has.  You should be able to tell something by the ones she dates too.  

 

I feel neither of them are the right one, but since you're good friends, you might just float the idea from that conversation and tell her you have asked yourself why not, too.  

[2BGoodAgain]

1) women and men can't be friends, b/c the only reason they're friends is b/c lack of opportunity/timing/99% yes, but that 1% no/etc.. i know i have people who's had friends with the opposite gender for years and prob scream for my bloody head, but it's true. 

2) if you're with the current girl, and you're thinking about another girl... then you shouldn't be with your current girl. that's a disservice to her

3) saying the other girl was your best friends for years, etc... is just a rationalization to proceed with it, .... it's like making something seem destined or special, so it justifies what you're thinking/feeling right now.... b/c ur with someone else.

4) having these feelings for someone else is ok... that's why we date,  before we get married... so we try to minimize the damage to someone else and ourselves... end your relationship and date your best friend.

5) in the end, if you truly believe you have feelings for someone... you leap or you don't... just don't make it seem like it's destiny, if you do decide to date ur bestfriend... treat it like any other relationship, like have some tea/coffee and talking it out... that way, you can minimize the damage to your "friendship" if it doesn't work out and minimize it from making it "weird". hopefully.

But do one or the other... don't do both. Get it?

Good luck!

[Ellener]

I've posted this poem before, from Wendy Cope, from a woman perspective:

“Bloody men are like bloody buses —
You wait for about a year
And as soon as one approaches your stop
Two or three others appear.

You look at them flashing their indicators,
Offering you a ride.
You’re trying to read the destinations,
You haven’t much time to decide.

If you make a mistake, there is no turning back.
Jump off, and you’ll stand there and gaze
While the cars and the taxis and lorries go by
And the minutes, the hours, the days.”

All this means probably is you are not ready to settle down forever with either woman. 

 

 

[Ellener]

Remember @SurfsUpBuck no matter how intricate your upbringing, what you are bring to the table for a serious relationship is who you turned out to be.

( lot of people my age ie double yours ain't yet figured that out )

[Miss Spider]

If seems like either you’re not as into L as you think you are or your feelings are very fickle. If you were so into L and then one comment from your buddy made you think that M would be better for you, how into L could you be. Maybe she is good on paper, but not the one for you 

[SurfsUpBuck]

 @Ami1uwant @rightondude @smackie9 @d0nnivain @lurker74 @Gr8fuln2020 @preraph @2BGoodAgain @Ellener @Cookiesandough Thanks guys! Thought provoking stuff! 

 

I think the weird thing is, from my perspective at least, he made a throw away drunken comment, but he's not the first person to make a comment like that, it's not the first time of heard it. I'd call her my best friend, she'd call me the same, we spend a lot of time together... of course people are going to make comments like that! Especially when we lived together (I think then even her mum thought we were a couple ). I've always just laughed it away. So I don't understand why this time, different from all the others, it got in my head so much?

 

I like 'L', I genuinely really like her. It makes me sound so shallow to say she is absolutely, utterly, my definition of 'my type on paper' (blah ). But seriously looks wise, she takes my breath away! So of course I was interested. She obviously took a little time to feel the same way about me, haha. However it was in that time that I actually decided that shes not 'a pretty face' but genuinely a proper nice girl! Gentle and kind, a lovely person. I really respect her and I really liked her ..... but ....... that said ....... I'm not sure I ever went into it thinking about marriage or forever. No reflection on her!! And I'm not saying I wouldn't ever see those things with her! I just don't think I've gone into any relationship like that!

 

I don't know that I ever plan life that far ahead! Life throws curveballs at you all the time, it seems like a fools game to plan too ridgedly! I've lived 25 years of easy come, easy go, and maybe I've got a bit stuck in a rut with it! Not to say I don't care about people, because I do. I'm a people person, I've moved around all my life pretty much and I've always made friends quickly. I think I'm a good friend. But when it's time to leave, so be it, I roll with it. I'm the same with girls.. I can really like someone. Really like them. And I think I'm a good boyfriend, I try to always consider someone i'm with in everything I do,  I'll be their biggest cheerleader, and I've certainly never done the dirty on a girl - I've never cheated...but...if it ends, it ends  You wouldn't find me crying into my beer over it. I believe what's meant to be will be, so if that particular paths not meant for me I'll bounce back!

 

I guess thats what I was thinking over in bed that night. 'M' is definitely an exception to that rule.. I wouldn't bounce back. I can't even imagine not having her in my life! Whether its because I'm going to rage about someone crashing into my car or just show her a picture of a weird looking cat I saw while out for a run, she is like my go to person and I can't imagine a future that doesn't have her in it and I guess I just realised that that's actually a huge deal for me!

Whether that means we should be together, I don't know. But the thing that's definitely weird for me is that I genuinely don't get how I never looked at her that way. She's a flirty girl, but it's always just banter. She's attractive, It's not that I didn't notice, I just didn't really register it. We've had.. certain moments I guess, over the years, when I look back now.. I just, at the time, - I don't know, I don't think I've figured it out in my head enough just yet to quite know how to find the words. 

[preraph]

You need to just ask her if she thinks of you more like a brother or friend or potential boyfriend.  

 

It is risky.  I regret taking a friendship to the next level (he wanted to after his separation), and it just didn't work for me.  

[SurfsUpBuck]

22 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

First things 1st.  Are you willing to let go of L for a chance with M?  Don't think about anybody else.  Just what do you want?  If yes, then proceed.  If not, double down with L & forget what the heartbroken drunk on your couch said. 

Have you ever talked to C about you & M?  Maybe your "sister" knows things you don't.  Start there if you need a sounding board.  If C says she thinks this would work, break up with L & start talking seriously to M.  You open the private conversation with something like "have you ever wondered about us, if we could ever be more then friends?"  Gage her reaction.  If positive proceed.  If startled, give her some time to think.  Meaning change the subject then let her bring it up again in a few weeks.  If negative, brush it off as joke, then return to your regularly scheduled friendship.  

1) It's hard. It makes me feel like a d!ck even posing that question to myself. I'm not unhappy in anyway, I'm happy with L. I guess, if i and to say goodbye to one of them.. M would be the one where I wouldn't even know how to start. I think if the friendship that we have did become romantic then, that could really have the legs to be quite special.

2) She's be over excited though! That'd be it, she'd have be married off and be calling M her sister in law  ...Maybe I'm doing her a slight injustice though, maybe I should talk to her about it! 

19 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

 Before you do this you need to ask yourself coukd you live with her. Do you have coomin goals in life like having kids. Are their personality quirks you can handle when living together like bring at each other places you coukd have very different living styles.

Well we did live together for over a year, so no huge hidden surprises!

7 hours ago, rightondude said:

You seem like a great dude, congrats for rolling with life's punches and ending up with a seemingly great attitude about things. With that out of the way, your story here is straight out of the movies and sitcoms (like when Joey realized he liked Rachel in Friends) ... next time you see "M" you are likely to act a little different without even meaning to. I'd say try to notice her actions towards you like you never have before. Try not to come off as too different, but do put signals out there. Like if you normally don't compliment her appearance, make it a point to do so. Point out her choice of outfit or hairstyle or something. How does she react to that? Also, is "M" with anyone now or has she been previously?

Also, I'd say do your best not to act any differently with "L" ... who knows what that could evolve into? Maybe even something stronger than what you have with "M" with enough time? 

It's gonna be tough to make a choice ultimately, but I think based off your past you will make it work with all parties involved. I have my popcorn ready for the outcome brother!

 

Haha thanks man! Can't lie though, I had my fair share of time being a little jerk! I was the attention starved 9 year old they'd 'suggest' stays home from school on the day the school inspector came round! But hey now I'm all grown up and work as progress coach, supporting kids in college, so I guess that's what they call 'full circle' 

Yeah I hear you actually, I hadn't thought of that, it is going to be weird when I see her!  No she's not dating anyone at the moment, she has in the past though.. nothing thats lasted that long (but then its a running joke between us that I take the p!ss out of her for having a s*** taste in guys!! ...We'll be watching some film or something and I'll wait for the weirdest, most psycho looking loser to come on the screen and then I'll be like 'hey, look! Bet you fancy him!'  It used to wind her up, but its gone on so long that shes into it now and she'll send me photos of the tele captioned like sarcastic like 'Beau 2 B x' and it'll be like some clown that failed circus school and now lives on the street )

True yeah, like I haven't known her for anywhere near as long, so its skewed by that, for better or for worse!

6 hours ago, lurker74 said:

A few weeks ago, I was at a friend's place and he showed me a new rifle he bought. I'm not a gun guy but it was really cool and I suddenly found myself wanting a rifle. Suddenly I became obsessed...doing the research, planning what I wanted. Finally I bought it. And it was really cool...for about 20 minutes. Then I realized the anticipation of it was more fun than actually having it. Don't get me wrong, it's a lot of fun to take to the range and shoot with it for 20 minutes, but then I still spent $700 on something that I only wanted because of my friend's introduction.

I know. Weird analogy, but still. Stick with L.

No, I get it! I get it!

Do I like her or the idea of her.. that's what I need to settle my mind on right! Then I get my peace!

5 hours ago, preraph said:

I feel like that as long as you and M were around each other, if things were going to get flirty because of underlying attraction, they already would have.  I mean there would have been a drunk romantic stare or touch or one of you slipping into bed and cuddling or something.  

My first instinct is simply to tell you L isn't the one because she's lukewarm on you and you deserve more.  But M may not be attracted to you and may view you more as a brother.  All you can do about that is maybe repeat that conversation that friend said letting her know people think you're a couple and see what she says, like "Oh, that would never work" or "I've thought about it."  But don't confess or make her feel awkward or say how hot she is. You don't want to lose her as a good friend.  When things get awkward, that's what happens.  Has she already confided in you what type guys she goes for and is looking for?  Have you listened?  Because if you're that close, I bet she has.  You should be able to tell something by the ones she dates too.  

I feel neither of them are the right one, but since you're good friends, you might just float the idea from that conversation and tell her you have asked yourself why not, too.  

Yeah I mean, its hard because, we do flirt - but only because like its funny. I've kissed her, once - but only because we we're playing some drinking game that required it. I've slept in bed with her - one night (just after we stopped living together), when she ended it with her then bf because she found him cheating with her new roommate, I just hugged her, and I slept there. And when I write it down like that it sounds weird because how can I have never seen the possibility. But it's different from the inside, those moments were just tiny moments, in what has always been a platonic friendship!

Yeah I like that to be fair! I get to maybe see her reaction without putting anything on the table myself! You're completely right, I don't want to make her feel awkward, or ruin what we have!

Yeah we talk about our romantic interests/prospects, both jokey (like I said to @rightondude ) and seriously as well. She gives me girl advice, I've always given her my very best guy advice. I wouldn't say she has a 'type', but, to my mind at least, she goes for the wrong type of guy.. Not that I think they're all wronguns or anything.. I just think she goes for guys who ultimately aren't a strong enough character for her. They get threatened by her. IMHO

[preraph]

I think that last paragraph of yours probably means she doesn't feel romantic about you because she's attracted to a different type of guy.  You talk about everything else, no harm in just kind of joking about how some friends and family think you're a couple and say something like, Makes me wonder if we're missing out. 

[SurfsUpBuck]

20 hours ago, preraph said:

I think that last paragraph of yours probably means she doesn't feel romantic about you because she's attracted to a different type of guy.  You talk about everything else, no harm in just kind of joking about how some friends and family think you're a couple and say something like, Makes me wonder if we're missing out. 

Yeah.. well I doubt she’s secretly in love with me or anything, because I wasn’t with her either! I still don’t know where my head is, I just know that I’m looking at things a little differently...

...and I guess I wonder what her reaction would be! Your right though, I don’t think she’d find it weird for me to just make a throwaway comment like that!

[preraph]

I know how something like that can make you kind of startled (someone thinking you're a couple).  I was real bothered by this new guy and just had a hard time not thinking about him and some acquaintance or friend or someone said, Could you be in love with him?  And all my alarms went off and I was like, "I HOPE not!"  But I was.  Some of my favorite music got under my skin in an irritating way too.  

[Shepp]

On 1/19/2020 at 11:27 PM, SurfsUpBuck said:

I was her PT in the gym and she was my pub garden buddy in the summer.

 

22 hours ago, SurfsUpBuck said:

No she's not dating anyone at the moment, she has in the past though.. nothing thats lasted that long (but then its a running joke between us that I take the p!ss out of her for having a s*** taste in guys!! ...We'll be watching some film or something and I'll wait for the weirdest, most psycho looking loser to come on the screen and then I'll be like 'hey, look! Bet you fancy him!'  It used to wind her up, but its gone on so long that shes into it now and she'll send me photos of the tele captioned like sarcastic like 'Beau 2 B x' and it'll be like some clown that failed circus school and now lives on the street )

 

Quote

Yeah I mean, its hard because, we do flirt - but only because like its funny. I've kissed her, once - but only because we we're playing some drinking game that required it. I've slept in bed with her - one night (just after we stopped living together), when she ended it with her then bf because she found him cheating with her new roommate, I just hugged her, and I slept there.

So I have a question to start - you say you and her were strictly platonic - but a lot of this actually could read quite flirty!

So I’m just wondering - what does your close girlfriend/past girlfriends or M’s ex bfs make of your twos close friendship?

[Daisydooks]

Abort abort abort! LOL. Stick with your girlfriend, L.

What some drunken hurt bag said is probably not all that rational and as long as I've known men and women to be friends where a man suddenly realized he had feelings for his female friend, it almost always ruined the relationship. Don't make it awkward. We just went through this with my fiances brother. He told his childhood friend he was in love with her after a mutual friend drunkenly said they made a cute couple and should be together. He always had feelings for her, but is dorky, quiet, not at all a ladies man and was the safe friend she told everything to. He was the opposite of every man she dated. She went cold on him and cut ties as she now felt awkward around him. She was always comfortable because "they were such great friends (only.)" 

If she wanted to be with you, you would not be unsure of her feelings.  Just because a female laughs with you and gets along with you does not mean she has feelings for you, even if you make the best of friends. There is a safeness about you for her and I would hate for you to ruin a friendship when you yourself sound so unsure of your own feelings. 

 I've seen many friendships ruined over the male starting to have feelings for the female and even been there myself. It makes it hard to joke and laugh about the same things and everything from cuddling to kissing one time, or whatever will be looked back on as if you were lying and pursuing the idea in your head long before you actually considered it yourself. 

9/10 times this goes badly.  So I'd avoid this and carry on your merry little way with L....... which would make sense as you've been pining for her for years and finally have her. Be happy with that and stop the silliness.

Of course you dont have to take my advice, but unless you're the female in this situation, it's going to go badly/not as you may like it to go. If you were a female in this situation, my advice may be very different LOL

Edited January 21, 2020 by Daisydooks

[SurfsUpBuck]

On 1/21/2020 at 7:59 PM, preraph said:

I know how something like that can make you kind of startled (someone thinking you're a couple).  I was real bothered by this new guy and just had a hard time not thinking about him and some acquaintance or friend or someone said, Could you be in love with him?  And all my alarms went off and I was like, "I HOPE not!"  But I was.  Some of my favorite music got under my skin in an irritating way too.  

Yeah literally! And I even totally get what you mean about the music!

Bizarre though, how something so small can make you reassess so much! 
 

23 hours ago, Shepp said:

So I have a question to start - you say you and her were strictly platonic - but a lot of this actually could read quite flirty!

So I’m just wondering - what does your close girlfriend/past girlfriends or M’s ex bfs make of your twos close friendship?

Urm.. it’s mostly always been fine, but then like I say we’ve maybe both been a bit unlucky in love so for the majority of our friendship one or both of us have been single..

Most of the gfs I’ve had have been okay about it. M’s a bit of an all rounder, she’s definitely a bit of a ‘lads girl’, gets on with the boys, but then she is also a good ‘girls girl’ too. So most of the girls I’ve dated have liked her and would hang out with me and her (plus like I’m hardly going to fly some girl I’ve dated for two months to Canada to meet my sis, so that leaves then meeting M as the most important person for them to have to meet in my life).

Normally they end up teaming up with her and ganging up on me  haha!

I did have one girl I was ‘seeing’ who didn’t like it! I took that as a bad sign because we weren’t even that serious - so I didn’t waste much time in that one!

She had a long term bf for a while while we were living together, so obviously we had a valid reason for spending time together then and they split up a couple of months after I moved out.

Her other bfs... I’ve always made an effort to be friendly (even when I didn’t think they were right for her) because, well with me and her being close as we it’s just easier if you get on with their other half, eh!

[SurfsUpBuck]

23 hours ago, Daisydooks said:

There is a safeness about you for her and I would hate for you to ruin a friendship when you yourself sound so unsure of your own feelings. 

It makes it hard to joke and laugh about the same things and everything from cuddling to kissing one time, or whatever will be looked back on as if you were lying and pursuing the idea in your head long before you actually considered it yourself. 

Yeah I am really aware of that! I definitely don’t want to sit her down and proposition her on anything because, like you say, I still haven’t figured out my own feelings fully, and because our relationship as it is is way too valuable to me! 

I would be interested in her reaction to the same comment though.. it’s such a question in my head now, I hope that if I drop it in and see her reaction, that’ll solve part of all this unrest!

[rightondude]

Have you EVER gotten the suspicion she was into you as more than a friend? Usually I've found women I've been friends/acquaintances almost always give signals when they're interested; they at least shuffle closer or look at you longer...SOMETHING to key in on. If that's never happened or she's never seemed perturbed you're with someone...I dunno brother, I'm having second thoughts about all this.Tread carefully.

 

 

[SurfsUpBuck]

Okay, so we had some dominoes and a chat! To summarise it...

I told her about this mate of mine, what a mess he was after our night out, and I casually mentioned what he said to me. She was laughing/stropping about the fact he'd bigged up L's looks over hers.

Me: Do you buy into that thou?

Her: What people being meant to be or you & me being meant to be!?

Me: Haha well now I want to know both! (Thought I played that in pretty well )

Her: No. (She was pretty serious). I think it's a cop out. Sitting there and waiting for something to drop in your lap because it's "meant to be". I think you have to choose someone who you want to keep choosing even on the **** days.

Me: How do you choose them though.

Her: pfft I don't know that I'm the person to give advice on that!! My nan used to say that 'understanding their faults was more important than admiring their strengths'. I think maybe some of it is understanding you're own faults, my dating history is like an A-Z of the wrong guys for me, not all bad guys.

Me: ...Well, most of them were d!cks! 

Her: So you tell me, but you don't have the most amazing resume yourself [SurfsUpBuck]

Me: What's wrong with the girls I've dated?

Her: Nothing, but it was never going to last

Me: Why?

Her: Because you've never emotionally connected to any of them! Don't get me wrong, I see you be a good boyfriend, I see you go thorough the motions that you think you should, but that is what you're doing. I've never seen you emotionally connect!

Me:  (because what do you even say to that)

I got up and went to the kitchen to get another cider, then I came back in.

Me: So you think me and L wont last then?

Her: I didn't say that. I just think that I know a side of you that I think you hold back with other people, and if you're asking for my personal opinion of what's 'meant to be' then I think youre like my favourite boy on this whole bloody planet and you deserve to be in a relationship where you allow someone to be as close to you as you are to them.

Her: Anyway you tell me all the time I go for the wrong guys, so suck it up 

Me: Well, I'm not lying, you do! (I was just winding her up at that point).

Me: Maybe we're just as hopeless as each other then!

Her: Well then at least we're in good company, eh!

We we're sitting on the sofa and at this point she put her drink down and put her head on my shoulder. I dropped this whole subject area because I took on quite a lot of information and I just needed time to process. We just watched some tele and chatted about other stuff.. her sisters travel plans. my work problem, why her cat always tries to steal my cup of tea but never hers.. just the normal stuff. It all felt normal I guess! But I do feel a bit different (probably in the way @rightondude mentioned orginally) I feel so much more aware of her proximity, of when she sits close or when she touches me when shes talking, I never really noticed that stuff before!