thehappylover Posted January 19, 2020 Posted January 19, 2020 Hi, My ex boyfriend and I met back in 2016 at work and dated for almost three years. Just two weeks ago he pretty much said its best we both go our separate ways for now because him and I can't work together and be in a relationship. Most of our fights had to do with women flirting with him and I would constantly fight with him about it and get upset for the past three years. He said that we both need to take a break and work on ourselves. He also mentioned that it would be best for me to find a job elsewhere since I don't really like my job and is causing negativity,. He said until that happens he doesn't want to resume a relationship. It's difficult to deal with because I saw him everyday and I break down when I am alone. Is this just a cover up or does he really need space?
scooby-philly Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 @thehappylover - It would be helpful to know you're relative ages and also the nature of your work setting - as any advice might get tweaked base on knowing that. Without that and/or other info I will say - there's "flirting" and then there's "flirting". A lot of people are just outgoing, social, etc. Especially if he's an extrovert and you're not as extroverted as him, it may "seem" like flirting to you. Now, regardless of that, if you expressed your point of view and you guys couldn't agree on a middle ground - even if he was not really flirting, he could have agreed to be more conscious of it while you could be more understanding of it - again, assuming a lot here because I don't have more info - if you didn't find a solution after 6-12 months - why did you stay with him? Look, again it's hard to comment without more info, but if it wasn't "flirting" there's only so much people can and should do to change. If he didn't want to compromise and you didn't then you were doomed. You have to love a person for who they are RIGHT NOW, not who there were or who you want them to be. On top of that though, unless he owns the company you both work for, it's illegal and immoral for him to tell you to get another job. Even if he did own the company, it might still be illegal. It's definitely still immoral. As to the question of "space"...that could go either way - but it doesn't matter. Those first two issues alone are enough for you to move on from him (in dating). And if it was real "flirting" - then you should have left the minute you confronted him and he didn't stop. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 If other women were flirting with him and he didn't establish appropriate boundaries, why would want him back? Whatever the case there may have been, he sounds very done. There are clearly more issues than his flirting.
JTSW Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 You say women flirted with him, did he flirt back with them? I'm guessing not Your insecurities have become so difficult that he can no longer handle it. You are suffocating him. I don't think he will be back. The fact that he asked you to change jobs tells me he no longer wants any association with you. 1
d0nnivain Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 He found your reaction to the other women flirting with him stifling & off putting. Since you didn't mention him flirting back he probably just got sick of getting in trouble from you for stuff he can't control. He has no power over how somebody else acts. Working together & dating is too much togetherness. I think that may have been a factor in the demise of your relationship Either way he now has a negative view of you & wants out. Space will not erase that. You best pull it together so you don't break down at work & then get a new job so you don't have to see him. I think he's well & truly done. Sorry.
2BGoodAgain Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 if a guy really wants to keep the relationship, he wouldn't ask you to leave the place he spends the most time with you. period. i understand if you were married and needed personal space, but that only works if both parties want it. he basically wants to end any meaningful long term relationship. 90% certain. sorry. i feel for ya. 1
Author thehappylover Posted January 20, 2020 Author Posted January 20, 2020 Scoob-philly - He is 29 and I’m 32. We work at a courthouse and most times I’m in court so I don’t really see him, only when I have to stop off at our floor to sign in and outs I think because of his outgoing nature I took it as flirting. Also, within the past year and a half he was promoted to somewhat of a supervisor position so many of these woman report to him. He is also the only male in our department so woman naturally gravitate towards him. I felt that’s when we started having problems. When we are not at work, things are great. We had gotten into an argument December 27 and stopped speaking. I thought he would message but he didn’t so I messaged and said that it seems our relationship has reached a dead end if we should part ways or attempt to recreate what we used to have. His response: Happy new years. I am glad that you are striving to develop a positive mindset going forward and I hope you maintain that type of thinking so that you can regain your confidence and be successful in the future. I think you are right in regards to us, that it is at a dead end. I think we tried to salvage it last time but it seems clear now that we arent going to salvage it because the same issues will continue to reoccur. I think you understand as well as I do that this isnt going to work under present circumstances. Neither of us seem able to change enough to affect our relationship for the better, and I think it's best we part ways. Continue to work on yourself and I will be doing the same. I dont know what the future holds but I truly think you're a great person, but at this time I dont think things are working out between us. You need things that I am clearly not providing and vice versa. If you ever wanna talk about this I will be willing to do so. I hope we can remain civil at work for now, but you can of course let me know your thoughts on any of this. Also, on a few occasions he has said. “You’re too good for me.”
Author thehappylover Posted January 20, 2020 Author Posted January 20, 2020 Thanks d0nnivain. Going to try my best
Author thehappylover Posted January 20, 2020 Author Posted January 20, 2020 I had tried to reconcile with him and said maybe it’s best we keep our distance at work to make things better. His response... I want you to be doing those things for yourself, not just because you want to get back together. I can tell you that a relationship is not going to work if we work together. I can tell you that I am not looking to get into a new relationship anytime in the near future. I can tell you that if you end up leaving where we work and start taking care of yourself better, I will do the same, and when that happens we can try again. Until then you need to know that I don't hate you at all and that I want what is best for you. This time apart is good for both of us regardless I've tried making it work while we work together but it will not work which is clear
JTSW Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 He's just being nice about it so as not to hurt you. 1
Author thehappylover Posted January 20, 2020 Author Posted January 20, 2020 JTSW - Yeah, you’re right, I guess I’m shocked he could just throw away three years.....it’s life though. I just need to come to terms with it.
stillafool Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 I know it's hard but he was letting you go. Don't expect to reconcile even if he did say you two can try again once you get a new job and "start taking care of yourself" (what the hell does that mean?) You can just start going NC now to try to heal. Also try to avoid seeing him as much as possible when at work. Are you looking for another job?
Author thehappylover Posted January 20, 2020 Author Posted January 20, 2020 Stillafool -I’m waiting to hear back from law schools so hopefully I hear something within the next few months and start school in September. 1
stillafool Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 Good for you, that should keep you really busy which will help you get over this breakup. 1
2BGoodAgain Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 oh yeah... one of the most attractive things about a girl, is someone who knows her self worth... i'm not talking about having attitude or being arrogant or rude.. but it's a confidence that makes me appreciate her... of course, there are guys out there who prefers a doormat... but remember the thing about doormats... you step on it, you abuse it, and when it's all worn out, you toss it out and get another one... never be someone's doormat... 1
d0nnivain Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 Sadly his last message was definitely him saying it's over for good. Just let him go. Be professional but aloof at work & try to stay off his floor in the courthouse. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you that you get into law school. Being a 1L you will be much too busy to bother about a failed relationship, plus there will be all sorts of other law students to meet & mingle with. If anybody asks at work say something vague like "he's a great guy but we wanted different things." Nobody will press beyond that & if they do repeat yourself until they stop asking. 2
Silver_star Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 Use this time to focus on yourself (as he suggested ). Don't be on his string though, fully cut contact. You are not focusing on yourself to "get better" for him or resume a relationship with him. That is like saying you are not good enough as you are, and you are. I know it is tough because you felt he was a big part of your life/happiness, but use this time that he has given back to you as a gift to yourself instead of a punishment. Get back to what YOU like to do, spend time with friends and family and people who choose to be around you. I have learned that if someone walks away from you, you let them keep walking. It is hard, but you can do it. Don't define yourself or your worth by the relationship you had with him. He is just one guy, and there are many others out there that would never let you go. If he can't value what is right in front of him then he has no right to have access to you, and he has no right to "resume" or come back when he feels like it.
Author thehappylover Posted January 20, 2020 Author Posted January 20, 2020 @d0nnivain @Silver_star @2BGoodAgain Thank you all for the advice. Much appreciated! 1
Author thehappylover Posted January 25, 2020 Author Posted January 25, 2020 @d0nnivain @Silver_star @2BGoodAgain Hi, So earlier today I thought it would be best to give my two weeks after much thought. I do have another job lined up which will commence second week of February. At the end of the day I was about to leave and my ex stopped me and asked why I was giving my two weeks (I figured my supervisor informed his supervisor since they are buddy buddy) I told him with everything that has happened it would be best. He said he wanted to speak to me further so we met in the parking lot. We started talking and he said that he thinks I’m giving up my two weeks because of him. I told him no but because of my emotions I began to burst out in tears. I told him I’m still confused as to how someone could just throw way three years. He said he wants me to work on myself and become the confident woman I once was. He said he wants to take this as an extended break to work on ourselves and eventually get back. He said we could take this as being friends and go for a coffee or dinner but to keep it at a limit so we don’t fall back into routine once we’ve taken our much needed space He also said too message him whenever I am having a bad day and lastly he said two things could happen once we’ve taken our space, either I’ll tell him to f*** off for what he put me through or I’ll want to get back with him.I’m so confused by all of this ?? What does this mean???
kendahke Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 (edited) On 1/24/2020 at 9:58 PM, thehappylover said: I told him I’m still confused as to how someone could just throw way three years. this is why: On 1/19/2020 at 5:34 PM, thehappylover said: he pretty much said... ...him and I can't work together and be in a relationship. Most of our fights had to do with women flirting with him and I would constantly fight with him about it and get upset for the past three years. does he even see that he needs to get a grip on this need for attention from other women? On 1/24/2020 at 9:58 PM, thehappylover said: He said he wants to take this as an extended break No--there is no such thing as extended breaks. You're broken up. On 1/24/2020 at 9:58 PM, thehappylover said: He said we could take this as being friends and go for a coffee or dinner Again, no. What do friends do? Talk about what's going on in their lives and the new person they're seeing. You want to hear about the new chick he's been flirting with on the job and is now going to start seeing? What will happen is that you two will begin to rehash your "better days", the fever starts rising, you end up back in bed having sex and once the fever is broken, you'll be reminded that you're not together, he's still going to be flirting with other women and expecting you to keep quiet about it like he has for the past 3 years and that you still have a lot of work he thinks you need to do with no talk about the work he needs to be doing to not need that kind of attention from women when he's supposed to be in a relationship. Quote He also said too message him whenever I am having a bad day He loses boyfriend perks when you break up. Go NC. Quote and lastly he said two things could happen once we’ve taken our space, either I’ll tell him to f*** off for what he put me through or I’ll want to get back with him.I’m so confused by all of this ?? What does this mean??? That's him putting tasty bait on that hook (that's firmly been in your cheek for 3 years) on the line he's intending to let go slack until he feels a "disturbance in the force" when you've moved on and found a man who doesn't need the attention of other women because you are enough for him. You have agency here. He doesn't get to dictate terms to you when he's the one who wanted to break up. You do what YOU need to do to get over this and move on. Edited January 26, 2020 by kendahke 1
Author thehappylover Posted January 26, 2020 Author Posted January 26, 2020 @kendahke I also realized that he isn’t used to have a good woman in his life. All his exes were trash. I always went out of my way for him because I truly loved him. I come from a family with money and he doesn’t so I think he felt insecure. I guess I wasn’t enough for him.
JTSW Posted January 27, 2020 Posted January 27, 2020 Don't put your life on hold for 'maybe we'll get back together in the future'. That's not going to happen. 1
kendahke Posted January 27, 2020 Posted January 27, 2020 19 hours ago, thehappylover said: @kendahke I also realized that he isn’t used to have a good woman in his life. All his exes were trash. I always went out of my way for him because I truly loved him. I come from a family with money and he doesn’t so I think he felt insecure. I guess I wasn’t enough for him. In your opinion. For each person, "good" is relative; so to him, they may not have been trash but conversely, the "rich, good woman" that is you is controlling and high maintenance who won't look the other way when he wants to flirt at work.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 27, 2020 Posted January 27, 2020 In most cases, the woman ends the relationship. Since he's spelled it out clearly and plainly that it's over, for now it's over. The best thing you can do now is focus on what you want for your present and future. If it's meant to be with the two of you, it will happen. If not, let it go, heal, and move on.
Silver_star Posted January 30, 2020 Posted January 30, 2020 An extended break? NO. Don't give him any more air time in your life. It's over. Seriously block him from your phone/social media now. Who care's if he once cared for you or not. It's clear he no longer does, and if he did it wasn't enough. Not because you are not confident enough, but because he is not ready for what you have to offer. Don't let him come back into your life. Don't message him when you are having a bad day. This guy is a creep. He gets off on being the hero, but he is far from it. He basically said "maybe after this extended break you will take me back and maybe you won't, but its a chance I am willing to take". He has some nerve trying to play the good guy that just wants what's best for you. I am fuming on your behalf!! You need to re-write the story in your head about who this guy is. If he really cared for you he would not put you through this pain, and he would not play these games with you so he can try to have his cake and eat it to. He is a coward. You had to leave your job because of the emotional torment...and trust me I think you made the right choice because you need a better environment. It doesn't make you weak because you cared for this man, and it doesn't make you weak to now do what is best for you. My read on this guy is that he wants attention from other woman, and he wants to go play the field. He still wants you to adore him, so that later when he is bored, or he has not found anyone else that will love him like you do he will come back into your life and declare how much YOU have changed for the better. He doesnt deserve another second of your time, or attention.
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