Will he come back?

[ms.stressed]

I met this guy...and I messed up. He was with me through a very rough time and...I was being selfish.

He opened to me, started to cry and I ran away. I hugged him, I consoled him but the minute I saw him about to cry...I left. Cuz I was about to cry. 

I called him crying. I told him not to do that to me again.

Then, I went to see him on Christmas...I told to leave me alone because he doesn't want me. He's just being nice.

Sidenote, I was raped and he was there for me. I always felt like maybe he was just being nice.

Then my ex-husband beat me, he was there too.

I never told him why I came or what happened. I just asked to come over and he let me. 

So yeah, I loved him but I felt he was just being nice.

He won't contact me. We haven't spoken since.

I love him. I love him very much. I don't think he loves me. It's a lot of feelings.

Edited January 19, 2020 by ms.stressed

[ms.stressed]

I haven't contacted him. I did at first to apologise for being mean and disrespectful...but not my feelings. I don't think anyone should apologise for their feelings. 

I don't know. I'm just focusing on myself but I miss him. I wish he'd forgive me. I wish he'd take me back.

[ms.stressed]

I was friend ls with a guy. I told him to leave me alone. I feel insecure around him because he knows I was raped. I didn't mean to tell him. It came out when I got mad. This is what I sent to him...

"I carry this fear that scared you don't want me because cuz I was raped. I'm scared you were only being nice to me. I was coming from a hurt place. I love and respect you so much.

But maybe I shouldn't have come to you. Maybe I should have stayed away because a part of me felt that you were probably only being nice and maybe I was using you to feel safe, protected, and loved. I don't know if you could want me even though you know what happened to me. I don't. 

I don't know if you could feel the same about me because you know what happened to me and I wish I never told you.  I wish I stayed be away. Because I'm scared you think I'm crazy. I'm scared you think I need to be fixed. I'm scared you think I'm weak. I'm scared I lost your respect. And I was coming from a place of hurt. I had a fear and rejection.

But I sorry I didn't communicate that better to you. I left the city I was living in because of him and everyone else. I left. Because he was calling me from private numbers and my brothers friends and neighbors were messing with me, trying to get my number. Stalking me in their car while I was out walking or running...all while I was in recovery.  I didn't even stay for Christmas. I was that hurt by everything. I left the next day. 

Your tears are my tears. I never knew I could feel that way for someone I haven't known long. But I do. Those nights I came to you were the nights I needed you most. I was upset because I felt like you didn't want me, and it's my fault because I should have stayed away. I'm scared you were only being nice and I was coming from a hurt place and I should have communicated that better.

Those nights I came to you, I needed you. I just never told you. " This is the last message I sent him. I then I told him I have to pretend for the world that I'm okay. I don't want to pretend with him. 

He didn't respond. I shouldn't have gotten angry but IDK...IDK... it's a lot.  If he contacts me, I'm not going to respond. I can't. It's too much. I was raped the next day after seeing him...but he doesn't know that. 

 

Edited January 19, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix spacing, removed location

[basil67]

Ms.stressed, I'm so sorry for all that you've been through.  And now you're going through more.

Unfortunately sometimes our behaviour can be so wrong that no amount of apologies can undo it.  And that's where you are now.   It's great that you've made an effort to apologise, but perhaps it's time to review your feelings.  Sometimes our feelings can be wrong.  And sometimes we need to apologise for feelings which are skewed.  That said, I'm not sure you can fix what you've done with this guy.   

I wish you all the best moving on.

 

[preraph]

Some guys can't handle serious issues at all.  So how long ago did all this happen, your rape and you writing this letter was how long after all that?  And does he live in Houston but you are somewhere else now?  How long has it been that he hasn't responded?  

 

I am so sorry you were raped.  So sorry.  And just as bad, that you were then stalked.  I'm glad you got out of there. 

Edited January 19, 2020 by preraph

[basil67]

From what I can understand, he's been there for her endlessly. Held her, cared for her, nurtured her, etc etc.   Then he had his own moment of stress, got emotional and the OP couldn't deal with his tears and told him to leave.

Edited January 20, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[K.K.]

3 hours ago, ms.stressed said:

 

Those nights I came to you, I needed you. I just never told you. " 

 

I feel this. 

 

12 minutes ago, preraph said:

Some guys can't handle serious issues at all.  

I think this is true. Either that or they don’t even want to try for who knows what reason. Selfishness maybe. Mind in the gutter with no care or concern for you or your ‘issues.’

I found this out the hard way when I was speaking with my friend/neighbor during one of the most difficult moments of my life. My father had just died and I was so raw with grief that I turned to him because we used to chit chat and talk about life and I thought he valued me as a person. While I was laying my figurative head on his shoulder and spouting off about my pain, he asked me one question. What color panties are you wearing?

I never got over that realization that sometimes ... they just don’t care about you as a human being. 

I’m sorry that you’ve had to go through this Ms. Stressed. The rape especially and the insult to injury of the man. I’m really sorry that happened. 

[basil67]

3 hours ago, ms.stressed said:

 I was raped the next day after seeing him...but he doesn't know that. 

 

Did this second rape happen just recently?  Did you seek help?   Who raped you this time and is your living situation safe?

[ms.stressed]

The first time I was raped, it was by friend...the second time, this guy I was dating got mad when he went threw my phone. He was neurotic. So I gave him my phone info to ease his mind. I came over to see him and when I came out the restroom, he was holding my phone and started asking me questions. I don't do anything that makes me uncomfortable so I just went to get my phone. He held it over my head. We fought. I started to cry and he started kissing me and I told him to get off of me. He held me down and I guess he thought he was being passionate...but I fought. I fought and he had to hold me down by my neck. It was awful. I was devastated. I went to see a counselor and I spoke to a therapist.I was put on medication for hypervigilence, because I have tendency to just leave now. As soon as I get a feeling in my body or a hum in my head, I leave. The doctors call it hypervigilence. It's a form of anxiety. 

 

I'm okay. What upset the most was that he was calling me from all types of numbers and when I moved back home to recuperate, the neighbors were trying to get my number and following me in their car. It was scary for me but they didn't know what I'd been through. They just saw me out running or walking and thought they could talk to me. 

I went to him every night. He didn't know what I was going through but it's all good. All he knows is that I was raped. I don't share a lot of stuff with people. Like, I could be on my last dime or living on the street and you wouldn't know. I literally got my ass whooped and he didn't even know. I just went to his place and chilled. 

Edited January 20, 2020 by ms.stressed

[ms.stressed]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

@preraph There's 3 or 4 threads about the same topic started today.  Different snippets of info on each thread.   Waiting for Mods to combine. 

From what I can understand, he's been there for her endlessly. Held her, cared for her, nurtured her, etc etc.   Then he had his own moment of stress, got emotional and the OP couldn't deal with his tears and told him to leave.

Yeah, I was there for him. I sent him cute messages, wrote him emails, sent him songs. I drove from Dallas to Houston to see him and give him a treat, we went to see a UFC fight. I just wanted him to be happy. Then he got off the phone with his sister and told me what was going on. Held him. I consoled him. Then he got out of the car and looked at me with tears in his eyes...when he did that, I got out the car. I don't let people see me cry. I leave before I cry in front of people, it's a part of my hyperviligilence. I feel uneasy crying in front of people. I told him that, and he knows. He knows. Because I told him and he's seen it. I roll my eyes and walk away or just say I gotta go, and bounce. 

But I called him and I cried over the phone with him. We held the phone for a long time, just being silent. I felt like he felt bad for making me sad or maybe he felt bad for me. Idk. 

Then I came to see him for Christmas, and that's when I stopped, processed my feelings and told  him what I felt. I feel like he doesn't want me. I feel like he's just being nice because of what happened to me and I'll stick by that. He didn't have to answer. After all he's done for me, he doesn't owe my an explanation but I feel bad. 

He's chill. We're both chill people who don't judge so I know me telling him that probably made him feel some type of way. He's probably mad at me. Idk. Idk. 

Edited January 20, 2020 by ms.stressed

[preraph]

It's all a part of not having trust. 

[ms.stressed]

3 hours ago, K.K. said:

I feel this. 

 

I think this is true. Either that or they don’t even want to try for who knows what reason. Selfishness maybe. Mind in the gutter with no care or concern for you or your ‘issues.’

I found this out the hard way when I was speaking with my friend/neighbor during one of the most difficult moments of my life. My father had just died and I was so raw with grief that I turned to him because we used to chit chat and talk about life and I thought he valued me as a person. While I was laying my figurative head on his shoulder and spouting off about my pain, he asked me one question. What color panties are you wearing?

I never got over that realization that sometimes ... they just don’t care about you as a human being. 

I’m sorry that you’ve had to go through this Ms. Stressed. The rape especially and the insult to injury of the man. I’m really sorry that happened. 

He's an ass and you should have left and blocked and deleted his ass. 

Yeah...I went crazy, but not many people know that. I literally went crazy, but it's all good. I changed my number and moved to another city. Imma go back to Houston though. I will. I just had to get away and I'm happy. 

I'm sad that I hurt him, but Idk...Idk...when he started crying, I was about to cry. So I left. 

[ms.stressed]

3 hours ago, preraph said:

Some guys can't handle serious issues at all.  So how long ago did all this happen, your rape and you writing this letter was how long after all that?  And does he live in Houston but you are somewhere else now?  How long has it been that he hasn't responded?  

 

I am so sorry you were raped.  So sorry.  And just as bad, that you were then stalked.  I'm glad you got out of there. 

My rape happened March 15th. The letter to him happened December 23. He was supposed to come see me, but he needed a babysitter so I went to see him. It's been since December 23. 

I don't think he wants to respond to me. I think he's done. 

It's a lot, but I'm in a good place and I don't want to feel insecure about my story or like people should pity me. That's why I don't say much and I don't let people see me cry. 

Edited January 20, 2020 by ms.stressed

[ms.stressed]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

@preraph There's 3 or 4 threads about the same topic started today.  Different snippets of info on each thread.   Waiting for Mods to combine. 

From what I can understand, he's been there for her endlessly. Held her, cared for her, nurtured her, etc etc.   Then he had his own moment of stress, got emotional and the OP couldn't deal with his tears and told him to leave.

Yeah, cuz I was crying too. I was going to really start crying. I felt bad that I did it, but I can't help it. I feel insecure about crying in front of people. 

[preraph]

It's all just probably too much intensity for him. You don't really know a person until either yourself or they are going through a hard time and you see how they handle it. 

I think this was just out of his depth. He didn't know what to do with it. 

I'm glad you're feeling stronger and have access to therapy. I'm sure they'll let you know that all this hyper-vigilance is to be expected. Just keep putting one foot ahead of the other and living your life and things will get better. 

Edited January 20, 2020 by preraph

[preraph]

Just remember that even though it will be hard to trust, there are many more good people who would never do anything to intentionally hurt you than there are the ones who will. If it makes you feel safer you may want to restrict your social life to safest places like church and any family and close friends and avoid any risky lifestyle choices so you can maybe get used to being able to relax again.

Edited January 20, 2020 by preraph

[ms.stressed]

23 minutes ago, preraph said:

It's all a part of not having trust. 

I trust him...but I don't know his feelings for me. I don't need to words, but they would be nice I guess, but if he can't say them, then he must not be comfortable saying them. He usually goes out and gets drunk to start talking. That's him. He doesn't drink but he'll go out and get drunk then drunk call or text or email the person. 

[ms.stressed]

2 minutes ago, preraph said:

Just remember that even though it will be hard to trust, there are many more good people who would never do anything to intentionally hurt you than there are the ones who will. If it makes you feel safer you may want to restrict your social life to safest places like church and any family and close friends and avoid any risky lifestyle choices so you can maybe get used to being able to relax again.

Thank you, I will and I have. 

[preraph]

The fact that he has to drink first shows you that he is not real comfortable with emotions. 

[ms.stressed]

Or he's not comfortable expressing them...but if it's the right one, it just flows. It's as natural as breathing. He told his sister he loved her and his daughter. You don't need to be drunk, you just choose to be.

And he was about to cry in the car. Idk. Idk. It's a lot. I don't think calling me at 3am drunk to tell me how you feel is romantic. Especially after everything we've been through...I just don't have the time. 

We've been through too much together, so, yeah...

When I'm not comfortable it's because it isn't right, it doesn't feel right...it's being forced, like maybe it's not the right time, or the wrong way to express it, idk...like trying to fit a size 12 in a size 9...you trying to force something and it ain't going to come out pretty. Maybe you all need more time with each other, idk, idk, I just know you feel happy after all is said and done...not nervous or scared...so...Idk. Idk...it just feels right. Like, I know he feels something for me. I know he has feelings but I'm scared it's only pity or he feels sad for me,   I wish I never told him. In any event, I'm still young and I'm cute. It'll be okay. But I am so the f*** off social media. 

 

[ms.stressed]

Or he's not comfortable expressing them...but if it's the right one, it just flows. It's as natural as breathing. He told his sister he loved her and his daughter. You don't need to be drunk, you just choose to be.

And he was about to cry in the car. Idk. Idk. It's a lot. I don't think calling me at 3am drunk to tell me how you feel is romantic. Especially after everything we've been through...I just don't have the time. 

We've been through too much together, so, yeah...

When I'm not comfortable it's because it isn't right, it doesn't feel right...it's being forced, like maybe it's not the right time, or the wrong way to express it, idk...like trying to fit a size 12 in a size 9...you trying to force something and it ain't going to come out pretty. Maybe you all need more time with each other, idk, idk, I just know you feel happy after all is said and done...not nervous or scared...so...Idk. Idk...it just feels right. Like, I know he feels something for me. I know he has feelings but I'm scared it's only pity or he feels sad for me,   I wish I never told him. In any event, I'm still young and I'm cute. It'll be okay. But I am so the f*** off social media. 

Ignore all this...I messed up. I don't know if he could ever forgive me and I don't know what I should do. 

[ms.stressed]

1 hour ago, preraph said:

It's all just probably too much intensity for him. You don't really know a person until either yourself or they are going through a hard time and you see how they handle it. 

I think this was just out of his depth. He didn't know what to do with it. 

I'm glad you're feeling stronger and have access to therapy. I'm sure they'll let you know that all this hyper-vigilance is to be expected. Just keep putting one foot ahead of the other and living your life and things will get better. 

So what should I do? Do I just leave him alone, like I've been doing? I get scared. He's probably with someone else and he's forgotten all about m.? What if he never comes back? 

[ms.stressed]

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

@preraph There's 3 or 4 threads about the same topic started today.  Different snippets of info on each thread.   Waiting for Mods to combine. 

From what I can understand, he's been there for her endlessly. Held her, cared for her, nurtured her, etc etc.   Then he had his own moment of stress, got emotional and the OP couldn't deal with his tears and told him to leave.

I messed up. Would you come back? Would you go back with a woman who was in abusive relationships and was raped and insecure about crying and telling you what was wrong? I do it because I'm scared of people feeling sorry for me. I'n finding I'm pushing more people away than bringing them close. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, ms.stressed said:

I messed up. Would you come back? Would you go back with a woman who was in abusive relationships and was raped and insecure about crying and telling you what was wrong? I do it because I'm scared of people feeling sorry for me. I'n finding I'm pushing more people away than bringing them close. 

ms.stressed, while I know your pain is intense, you're making this all about your needs.    But friendship is a two way street and your self focus is likely what's pushing people away.    

When he was crying and you got up and left (you made that about yourself too), what did he say to you?   What was he crying about?   Your apology to him was also all about you and your feelings.  You mentioned nothing your apology about his needs and that he deserves a friend who is there for him. You didn't say that you regret not being a good friend to him.  You didn't say that you were selfish for abandoning him when he needed you.  

In all honestly, if someone sent me the apology that you sent, I probably wouldn't go back either.   I'm so very sad for you being in this position, but I don't think you're currently in a place stable enough to form a close relationship with him.  

Edited January 20, 2020 by basil67

[Ellener]

ms.stressed, give the friendship time, sometimes we can recover them, sometimes not, but it can't be forced. Time and space gives each a break to regroup.

You need more than regroup, you have been through several traumas and need to look after yourself right now.

What is your daily support and self-care looking like?