Fate/Dont know how to proceed.

[SARose61]

I need to decide if I really want to make a trip to see the man that I was deeply in love with 23 years ago. At the time, we were both in College. I was head over heels in love with him, but was too chicken to ever say anything. He considered me one of his best friends. We had a very close friendship. When he started dating someone that thought our friendship was infringing on their relationship, he had no remorse at letting our friendship go. Young love can be so foolish. I was devastated but I never hated him for it. His whole family knew how much I loved him, but he was blind to it all. Fast forward about 6 years, the gal who made him give up our friendship dropped him like a hot potato when she got her PHd. He wrote me and apologized. I was married to husband no. 1 and had just had a baby, all was well with the world. 5 more years, I was divorced. He was now happily married and with a baby on the way. Another 8 year have past and his wife left him for her boss. I am remarried but there are many problems in my marriage. Marriage takes a lot of work, and I am the only one who seems to want to work at it. I am very disappointed. I truly love my husband, and am deeply hurt that he doesnt seem to want to try to work on our problems. I have no children in this 2nd marriage, my children from my 1st are almost grown. Last one is graduating high school this year.

 

I cant help but feel like life has cheated me at least 3 times. Mu friend lives in another state and we keep in touch via email. We keep in touch as good friends, a friendship that has withstood the test of time. He has asked me if I could come for a visit. We have not really talked about taking this to a romantic level. We have talked about our missed opportunities and wondered about what might have happened. He has talked about being sorry for his original cluelessness to what I felt for him. Our friendship meant and still means more to me than any anger I could have felt. I am very realistic that I do not want to have anyfalse hopes that this will lead to anything. I dont want to base disolving my current marriage on a blind hope that I may have a chance with this person. It would take so much for us to even be able to get to that point. We both are committed to staying where we are because of family. I am fearful of taking a trip to see him, that it might turn my hopes in an unrealistic direction. Needless to say, I have some guilt about all of this too. Not really cheating, but my husband is not the type to understand even a friendship that would lead to me taking a trip to visit this man.

 

I spend my days wondering why life took the turns it did. I cherish every email that I receive from him. He is at a point in his life where he is living day to day, let down by his ex, existing just to see his kids on weekends. He actually left our state to move because his wife got a promotion that required they move. He is now alone in that state, only sees his kids every other weekend. All his family is here in another city in my state.

 

I could afford this trip by next month. Should I go? With no intentions of romance. Can I keep this in perspective, a trip to see one of my greatest friends. Someone that I haven't seen in 23 years. Or is this situation way too dangerous, am I playing with fire?

 

Thanks for letting me vent.

 

Rose

[Art_Critic]

Not really cheating

 

Rose.. I think it would be hard to not have romantic feelings toward him.. Your whole post seeps of how you already feel about him.

Meeting him is only the beginnings of an affair.. and that isn't fair to your current hubby.

 

I do think it would be cheating... In fact it sounds like you have been having an emotional affair with him and that isn't fair to your hubby..

 

Either fix the marriage and cut off all contact as you cannot be this mans friend or get a divorce and when you are single then and only then meet up up with this guy..

 

So much time has passed and something tells me that you have romanced your relationship and this guy into something that really isn't there.

 

Just my 2 cents

[quankanne]

So much time has passed and something tells me that you have romanced your relationship and this guy into something that really isn't there.

 

I think Art maybe has a good point here: your initial relationship was a strong friendship that later, for you, turned into romantic love, now there's a "what if" possibility floating in the distance from his end. Tempting as it may sound, it's really the lesser of things you've got to worry about, because chances are both of you are suffering from those 20/20 hindsight blues. Work past them and concentrate on the relationship you're in: if need be, tell your husband point-blank that you're worried about your marriage and y'all need to get working on it, stat!

 

sometimes marriage is like taking a 2-by-4 to the backside of a donkey to get it motivated, you know? Look into Marriage Builders or Marriage Encounter or any other help that's offered, while impressing on him that you feel your marriage is suffering but there's something y'all can do to give it fresh blood.

 

comments from your old buddy are going to catch your attention because they are providing you with the response you're seeking from your husband. Ignore them and concentrate on whacking that big stick at your husband's bottom. Because in the end, no matter how it plays out, what WILL matter is that you tried your best, and that's all that's being asked of you.

 

hugs,

quank

[newbby]

i think if its true that you have romanticised this then meeting him in real life might disolve that fantasy. otherwise you will always be left with a what if.

just my opinion.

[SARose61]

It truly does help to see this through other people's eyes. As much as I hate to admit it there is the romantisized aura that I have given to my entire relationship with this person. They do say Women live for drama...

 

The email friendship we have is strange. For the most part we send each other plenty of forwards, jokes, sappy forwards the kind everyone sends around. etc. about once every 6 months or so one of us will send a "so how are things going with you" type email which will end with you know one of these days before we die we need to see each other at least once. Yep...it's too bad we ended up on different ends of the country. Oh well...yada...yada...yada. Then it's back to just forwards. I may be reading much more into the comments I get from him once a year because of what is missing at home.

 

I'm not ready to give up on my old man jus yet. I keep trying. Perhaps with the extra money I will have I can convince the hubby that we need to get away, alone and rekindle the spark. Someone mentioned hitting my hubby with a 2 by 4. Heck he needs more than that - like a freight train to run him over and shake him up...lol

 

Thanks everybody!

 

Rose

[whichwayisup]

I may be reading much more into the comments I get from him once a year because of what is missing at home.

 

I'm not ready to give up on my old man jus yet. I keep trying. Perhaps with the extra money I will have I can convince the hubby that we need to get away, alone and rekindle the spark. Someone mentioned hitting my hubby with a 2 by 4. Heck he needs more than that - like a freight train to run him over and shake him up...lol

 

You have good insight to your situation. I think you've benefited alot already from what has been posted back to you.

 

Something is missing from your marriage, your male friend has given you a boost of energy and you realize you don't get that from your husband. Going away with him is a good idea. Sit and think, what was it that made you fall inlove with him? All the sexual feelings and love is there for your husband, it's just been neglected. I truely believe that once you both find it together, things will fall into place and get better.

[OldEurope]

Go see him.

 

You are not obliged to do anything, start anything, complicate anything. But life is here to be lived, and living does not mean hauling around a load of regrets, without letting some light stream in from time to time.

 

You could enjoy the human contact of seeing this person, satisfying the proverbial "curiosity", perhaps even sizing him up anew, and getting clarity on your present marriage and situation.

 

NOTHING "has" to become an affair. As a once OW, I never bought the line that it all "just happened". No we all know what we are doing--its just how we steer ourselves through that determines outcomes.

 

Go. Drive with the top down, the wind in your hair, and a song in your heart.

[whichwayisup]

NOTHING "has" to become an affair. As a once OW, I never bought the line that it all "just happened". No we all know what we are doing--its just how we steer ourselves through that determines outcomes.

 

Go. Drive with the top down, the wind in your hair, and a song in your heart.

 

With how she feels about him, that isn't a good idea. Why put herself through the pain of it? She isn't going to leave her husband more than likely and there is no guarantee that an affair won't start. I don't believe anybody purposely starts an affair...Just once the feelings and emotions, sexual intensity gets in the way, people seem to not think and their judgement is cloudy, therefore wrong choices and mistakes are made.

 

Don't put yourself in a situation where something possibly could happen.

[OldEurope]

"Don't put yourself in a situation where something could happen", so you say Whichway?

 

Then what on earth is life for? !!

 

It does NOT have to be any kind of strung out drama. She can--if she is wise--go with a sense of perspective, and I certainly believe, after her admitted disappointments, that she will be wary and cautious.

 

But...aaaahhh! This chap from 23 years ago just might be, might have been her true love. Again--seeing him might prove that. OR, she might understand her relationship with her husband better, she might see him as "better". Only, the truth must out--not be hidden or denied, especially not to herself.

[whichwayisup]

Then what on earth is life for? !!

 

Uhmm, when one is married, most don't PUT themselves in a situation where saying no is going to be hard. Maybe it's just me then. If she still feels those feelings after 23 years, don't you think they're gonna get stirred up when she sees him?????? Doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure that out.

[Shana]

We have talked about our missed opportunities and wondered about what might have happened. {Quote}

 

In a way you are like me. Dated someone years ago, we went our separate ways and for those missed years I never found anyone who filled me like he did so no, I had no marriages or kids, baggage etc. and one day we met again and are together now. Him no past either.. that was our fate. I felt like I missed out, felt like I would never see him again, I moved on but he was always on my mind .. and now he is my mind.

 

Do what your heart feels is best. It did work for me. As long as your both not committed elsewhere (which you may be now but who knows what the future holds) I would not give up the hope of fate!

[OldEurope]

Uhmm, when one is married, most don't PUT themselves in a situation where saying no is going to be hard. Maybe it's just me then. If she still feels those feelings after 23 years, don't you think they're gonna get stirred up when she sees him?????? Doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure that out.

 

 

It doesn't take brain surgery either to understand that, if after 23 years this woman still has strong feelings for this other man, then perhaps her marriage is not meant to endure for the long haul.

 

If she gets stirred up, she gets stirred up. Better to see this man, see how he might compare to her husband, rather than to live frustrated and saying "What if" later on. Marriage, WhichWay, is not suppossed to be a bloody straightjacket. Yeesh.

[newbby]

totally agree with you old europe.

what if there is a better life out there for you? do you stick with what you have just because you chose it in the first place? would you stick with a job, when a better one was out there for you, just because you chose it first?

[SARose61]

Well folks have really spoken on both sides of my issue. Wow...talk about feeling like I'm standing on a ledge getting ready to bungy jump...lol. Not this gal, I like to keep my feet firmly planted on the ground.

 

Really do appreciate hearing everyones opinion. And I really enjoyed reading Shana's reply it does my heart good to see that someone did in fact get to live out their dreams with the person they considered the love of their life.

 

My friend and I will always be friends. I could never just stay away completely. I honestly think he holds back out of respect for the fact that I am married. He knows that I am having problems in my marriage. I really think that because he knows what it feels like to have his own wife leave him for another man, he does not want to cause that same type of pain to anyone. I dont want to do that either. I honestly have been trying to work on my marriage problems for the past 2 years and have not made much progress. I have recently taken steps to improve things for myself in the marriage. I'm more independent than I was. If my marriage ends it will be only because I have exhausted every attempt possible to make it work. I have no time table right now for this. If it happens and my friend has moved on, then so be it.

 

I am completely sure that some day I will see my friend. I may not plan a trip to go see him. His family is from my state, and I also get email from time to time from his younger brother (who knows our whole story and was always a good friend to me too.) His brother has told me that if he comes for a visit they will surely plan a trip to my city. If this were to happen, I'd have to tell my husband that some old friends from my college days had contacted me and that we were planning to have dinner. He could come along if he wanted to but could not stop me from going to a simple dinner with old friends.

 

Who knows what will happen. As they say better to have loved and lost than to never have had love at all. But I dont think that I lost at all, I still have a very good friend.

 

Rose

[OldEurope]

Thanks, Newby. It all should not be so tortuous, should it?--Pain, yes. Lessons learned, yes. But also being real and realistic as well as following ideals and knowing what is best for oneself.

 

Speaking of better lives, hope your October NC Club is going well.....

[newbby]

old europe,

it is going very well, thankyou. it feels very positive.