Opposites Attract

[manifestsunshine]

I have a friend who is an alcoholic and met him when I was single. I instantly felt attached to him through the touch of his lips- I daydream about it as it was that breathtaking. I didn’t have butterflies but it was as if he felt like home instantly as I was very comfortable in his presence. It felt like being with a best friend. What captivated me was his personality and he reminded me of my first bf where I resonated with his heart and soul, and not looks. My friend would call me off and on when he was sober, which made me start to grow feelings for him. He has a court-ordered AA program he tends to. He abruptly stopped talking to me for a couple weeks to which I assumed he became disinterested and vanished (but later finding out his line was disconnected). 

During this time I had moved on as my ex re-pursued me...one who had broken up with me a year ago but we became estranged friends. This guy broke my heart but I learned forgiveness. I hadn’t dated anyone. During the time he broke up with me he had a gf and he then realized I was the right one for him. I feel deprived as I rushed into things way too fast with him on the spur of the moment as feelings for him instantly reemerged, to which they now remain dormant.

Anyways, I spent a month with him in a different state to figure out if we would work out. Maybe like two weeks in, my gut knew something didn’t feel right as I was homesick. After coming back home, with some reflection, my intuition is still questioning us, making me confused. I stuffed my face for comfort and gained eight pounds on the trip as doubt crossed my mind. He felt like home then not, then I missed him and then not, then I wanted to talk to him, then not.. There's a constant conflict of feelings telling me he may not be the one as I don't get excited when I talk to him, text him, etc...it feels more like a chore. It feels like the emotional connection and the personality I am seeking is just not there. 

When I got back I saw my friend as I was already developing feelings for him. He felt at home when I talked to him, I wanted to talk to him and my gut was comforted.  I liked the simple things about him, his voice, smile, personality, and laughter. I didn't want to have sex with him, like I just craved being in his presence and wanting to just cuddle. I care for him a lot and have already met his friends and family. I was hanging out with him and his friends- one of his friends gf's, I had immediately resonated with her. We both went to college, got good grades, but were inhibited with societal/family ordeals bc of our parents as we were the goody two-shoes, having a lot to uphold. Her bf is also an alcoholic like my friend, but she is clean like me. It's like we were breaking the cycle of who we ought to be with up to societal standards and rebelling with who we shouldn't be with. Me and her are not from the ghetto but my friend and her bf are. My guy friend knows gang members, has tattoo sleeves (non-gang related), been to jail and we grew up differently which is why I find him so endearing. My parents wouldn't approve. He has a laborious blue collar job but he drinks, forgets things but he has the best personality ever even when sober. He was sober when we slept together once. He knew I had a bf. 

It wasn't until after he said he likes fighting, picking fights, never hit a girl, was never in love with his ex’s and cheated. He told me about his past and current affairs that he kept secret to which my jaw dropped. He told me everything. He says he cares about me but I felt like he wasn’t upfront and transparent with me. He has told me things he has never told anyone else. He even lied to his bestfriend bc he didn’t want him to worry about him, but he told me the truth. He says his family is so appreciative of me and he says I am an angel sent by god. I am the only girl his parents have approved of and they wanted me to be his gf. I am five years older than he is.  What initially appealed to me was he was different- loving to his friends and family- displays of love and affection to friends I never seen before, and I felt empowered by being with a thug-like badass person but with a heart of gold. He was so humble , modest and caring. He felt like home. He understood though if I wouldn’t want to be with him. 

I still feel very attached to him but am trying to detach myself emotionally from him now. I need to talk to him about us. I still consider him a best friend but from afar now. It's not worth the headache or compromising my safety- but this experience taught me that there are qualities he possesses that are lacking in my current relationship and making me reconsider if he is my life partner. My gut doesn't lie. I am just really disappointed in my behavior and I feel I can’t believe I did this but it was a necessary lesson for me. I am not trying to justify what I did was right bc it wasn’t. I take full accountability for my actions. What I realized is, I need a partner who likes to socialize with friends, is extroverted, caring, kind, humble and respectful. Someone that is clean with no substance abuse. I need to feel like I need to be needed which is what I liked about my friend. I need someone to take care of my needs as well and wants to learn and grow with me and get to know me- someone to add value to my life. It's like I'm using my friends personality as a benchmark and that is what I find most attractive in a person which my bf lacks. It gave me a better sense of attunement of what I want. I'm just still confused as I don't know how to talk to my bf that I need time and space to reevaluate the relationship to end it. I feel like I prefer emotional intimacy now over intellectual compatibility. I feel like my heart is not in it. I've only had three long term relationships in my life so I really never got the opportunity to explore to really know what I want until this incident. I mentioned this to him before and he was understanding before we got together that I had an inkling to explore, so it wouldn’t be a surprise to him. I have unconditional love for my friend and bf. I have a lot of goals and even now if I am single that would probably be ideal for me to focus on myself. I just know in my heart that if I truly love someone I wouldn’t want to leave. 

 

Thank you for listening to my rant. If you may have any suggestions I would really appreciate anyone’s input. Thanks!

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

The reason why you have doubt is simple: anyone can get a tattoo and go to jail. Jail isn't even that big of a deal; some high profile gang members run businesses out of prisons and a lot of cash is made, unless the prison is locked down, so more than anything, people always want to keep their cool and not cause a lockdown cause then the gangs lose money and the guy that initiated lockdown gets his ass kicked or worse.

I mean, the things you see in this guy, those qualities aren't worth much in 2020. Having technical skills, making money, all that s*** is important... Stuck on some gang s*** sucks.

[basil67]

So to cut to the chase, what is your question?

[manifestsunshine]

1 hour ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said:

The reason why you have doubt is simple: anyone can get a tattoo and go to jail. Jail isn't even that big of a deal; some high profile gang members run businesses out of prisons and a lot of cash is made, unless the prison is locked down, so more than anything, people always want to keep their cool and not cause a lockdown cause then the gangs lose money and the guy that initiated lockdown gets his ass kicked or worse.

I mean, the things you see in this guy, those qualities aren't worth much in 2020. Having technical skills, making money, all that s*** is important... Stuck on some gang s*** sucks.

Thank you for sharing this information. I've heard stories like this as well and it doesn't phase me one bit- it makes sense. I don't hold anything against him. He's not part of a gang but I am always open to learning what he knows and wants to tell me. I have no judgment against the lifestyle or anything. He keeps saying it's not safe to be around him so I'm believing him as well. It is also why he is trying to leave his current town as he has a lot of enemies. I connect the most with people who have struggled in life and I like helping people the best I can. I appreciate his existence and his willingness to trust me enough to confide in me with sensitive information. He knows everyone in his neighborhood and has so many stories when we drive around the block. I only wish the best for him and hope he finds his own happiness. I really like his rebellious and free-spirited nature. He inspires me to live a little more on the edge of life and take more risks. My boundary is that I cannot be with someone who is an alcoholic bc I feel more of a babysitter with him. It hurts to see him wasted but I know he does it as a coping mechanism for all his problems/traumas. I get it. I cannot fix or save him. He is doing his best he can to survive with how he can and he is making more money than an average person from college so he really has honed into his future financial success. He's on the right track. I know he will be fine. 

[manifestsunshine]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

So to cut to the chase, what is your question?

I guess my question is- is it healthy to be attracted to someone who is a rebel in every sense?

I question my own moral and values and kind of just want to undo all my rigid conditioning. I am not attracted to ppl of the same societal class as me as I find most are not free-spirited..and are superficial and judgmental. I don't really feel like I belong anywhere in particular. I feel like an old soul with a young heart who doesn't want to go along with the mundane flow of life. With him I feel rebellious and get a high from it. I guess I am craving a different type of life...one of adventure and spontaneity...one where all the action is at....with a sporadic flow of chaos and calm. 

[thefooloftheyear]

Its all great til the bills come in....

TFY

[Interstellar]

What’s your age? so you want to be with him but conflicted. It’s all roses and unicorn until the cops start knocking.

[smackie9]

You had this safe uneventful life until you meet someone who is charming, has edge, a bad boy....it's exciting to step over that line and be naughty/dirty, grimy. It's a thrill, it releases dopamine into you brain, making you feel like you have never felt before..at times it can be intoxicating/addicting like taking a hit of heroin. Like any addiction, there's the daily self loathing, then denial, then you got to have it. You find yourself cheating, lying, so you can have what you think you must have. You know it's not right, but you don't know how to pull yourself out of it.

And oh he just says all the right things, making you feel so special, desired.

Reality check....it's all bs coming out of his mouth. Like most guys like him, they are narcissists. They do and say anything to manipulate women like yourself. He makes you think he cares about you, but he only cares about himself. You will not hurt his feelings, because he doesn't have any for you. The only thing you will hurt when you cut him off is his ego. He's not gonna give much a rat's butt, and he will, in no time simply move onto someone else he finds to manipulate. It's really hard for you to see this because you are so emotionally invested....but we have seen these threads before. You wanted an outside perspective, well you got one. You are here because your gut is telling you something isn't right. Trust your gut and cut this guy out of your life....because he's gonna pull you down like a boat anchor.

Edited January 18, 2020 by smackie9

[Gr8fuln2020]

You need to focus on yourself and not allow some dreamy, romantic idea of a man derail your life for good. Reality check is needed. How do you have an entire month to take off? Do you have a job? Is it healthy to be attracted to a rebel....in the long term. No. Short term, when it's fresh and you are not thinking about your own future, it seems fun and exciting. But, more often than not, those rebel types don't offer much in terms of long term. By the way, the notion that opposites attract is true within the realm of electromagnetics, but, within human relationships, it tends to be a long road to heart-ache and regret.

[balletomane]

On 1/18/2020 at 10:15 AM, manifestsunshine said:

I connect the most with people who have struggled in life and I like helping people the best I can. I appreciate his existence and his willingness to trust me enough to confide in me with sensitive information. He knows everyone in his neighborhood and has so many stories when we drive around the block. I only wish the best for him and hope he finds his own happiness...I cannot fix or save him. He is doing his best he can to survive with how he can and he is making more money than an average person from college so he really has honed into his future financial success. He's on the right track. I know he will be fine. 

You may acknowledge that you can't fix or save him, but I suspect that your desire to help him is feeding into romantic dreams of him getting better with your support. This is a common pitfall for people who enjoy caring for others.  I've fallen into that trap in the past. If you want to help others, become a volunteer for a worthy cause or find a job in the caring field. Do not make it the centrepiece of your personal life.

At the moment it sounds as if you are trying to persuade yourself that he's a safe romantic prospect ("I know he will be fine"). The truth is that you don't know he will be fine. Earning money isn't an indicator that things are stable. Plenty of unstable, unhealthy people are very financially savvy. The only way you'll know he's fine is if he gets sober and stays sober, and unfortunately waiting around for that is likely to feed into romantic fantasies of helping him to transform his life.

The best advice I was ever given when it comes to choosing a partner: you're entering a relationship with who they are right now, and not who you hope they might be in the future. If you can't live with them exactly as they are now, walk away. It's not going to work.

[kendahke]

On 1/18/2020 at 5:37 AM, manifestsunshine said:

is it healthy to be attracted to someone who is a rebel in every sense?

You mean "should I develop this enabler role I'm going to have to play in order to be with an alcoholic who was ordered by the state to attend AA meetings?"

No. It's not healthy nor should you allow yourself to develop any more attraction to someone who likes drinking and fighting--because when he can't find dudes to fight in the street, he's going to come looking for you to fight.

His family thinks you're an angel because they want to offload their problem onto you to own.

And he's not a rebel--he's a loser who won't take responsibility for his life.

Edited January 19, 2020 by kendahke

[kendahke]

On 1/18/2020 at 5:37 AM, manifestsunshine said:

I guess I am craving a different type of life...one of adventure and spontaneity...one where all the action is at....with a sporadic flow of chaos and calm.

you do know you can create this kind of life for yourself which doesn't include the state carceral system being a factor in it, right?

Edited January 19, 2020 by kendahke

[manifestsunshine]

On 1/18/2020 at 4:13 AM, Interstellar said:

What’s your age? so you want to be with him but conflicted. It’s all roses and unicorn until the cops start knocking.

I'm 31. I've made up my mind that I don't want to be with him...he is a huge liability and you're right about the cop aspect. He's not worth my sanity or jeopardizing my safety. 

[manifestsunshine]

On 1/18/2020 at 9:55 AM, smackie9 said:

You had this safe uneventful life until you meet someone who is charming, has edge, a bad boy....it's exciting to step over that line and be naughty/dirty, grimy. It's a thrill, it releases dopamine into you brain, making you feel like you have never felt before..at times it can be intoxicating/addicting like taking a hit of heroin. Like any addiction, there's the daily self loathing, then denial, then you got to have it. You find yourself cheating, lying, so you can have what you think you must have. You know it's not right, but you don't know how to pull yourself out of it.

And oh he just says all the right things, making you feel so special, desired.

Reality check....it's all bs coming out of his mouth. Like most guys like him, they are narcissists. They do and say anything to manipulate women like yourself. He makes you think he cares about you, but he only cares about himself. You will not hurt his feelings, because he doesn't have any for you. The only thing you will hurt when you cut him off is his ego. He's not gonna give much a rat's butt, and he will, in no time simply move onto someone else he finds to manipulate. It's really hard for you to see this because you are so emotionally invested....but we have seen these threads before. You wanted an outside perspective, well you got one. You are here because your gut is telling you something isn't right. Trust your gut and cut this guy out of your life....because he's gonna pull you down like a boat anchor.

Thank you for helping me understand this addiction! It all makes sense now. I definitely get a sense that he is a womanizer as well. You are spot on! This is definitely a different type of narcissistic behavior I've never experienced before as it's more subtle than I am used to. I appreciate your elaboration and for bringing this to my attention. I liked the way he made me feel but yeah he had underlying intentions. His commitment is only to his drinking. and I feel like I was a means to an end for him....for his own emotional fulfillment.

I have already emotionally detached myself and have forgiven myself from not knowing any better at the time. I don't trust him whatsoever and he's not worth my time. His words don't match his actions and his drunken facts don't match with his sober facts. 

[manifestsunshine]

On 1/18/2020 at 6:10 PM, Gr8fuln2020 said:

You need to focus on yourself and not allow some dreamy, romantic idea of a man derail your life for good. Reality check is needed. How do you have an entire month to take off? Do you have a job? Is it healthy to be attracted to a rebel....in the long term. No. Short term, when it's fresh and you are not thinking about your own future, it seems fun and exciting. But, more often than not, those rebel types don't offer much in terms of long term. By the way, the notion that opposites attract is true within the realm of electromagnetics, but, within human relationships, it tends to be a long road to heart-ache and regret.

You're absolutely correct! I am transitioning jobs right now so have some time to spare. Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I was definitely blinded and I am glad I have emotionally detached myself before it was too late. I agree he doesn't have much to offer and I was disillusioned. He showed me his true colors, which I fully believe to accurately depict a long road of troubles ahead of him. Someone who is constantly drunk, likes to pick fights with random strangers, mismatching his sober/drunk stories, memory loss and being in debt, are things I need to constantly drill into my head as a reminder that he is not worth it. 

[manifestsunshine]

On 1/19/2020 at 2:54 AM, balletomane said:

You may acknowledge that you can't fix or save him, but I suspect that your desire to help him is feeding into romantic dreams of him getting better with your support. This is a common pitfall for people who enjoy caring for others.  I've fallen into that trap in the past. If you want to help others, become a volunteer for a worthy cause or find a job in the caring field. Do not make it the centrepiece of your personal life.

At the moment it sounds as if you are trying to persuade yourself that he's a safe romantic prospect ("I know he will be fine"). The truth is that you don't know he will be fine. Earning money isn't an indicator that things are stable. Plenty of unstable, unhealthy people are very financially savvy. The only way you'll know he's fine is if he gets sober and stays sober, and unfortunately waiting around for that is likely to feed into romantic fantasies of helping him to transform his life.

The best advice I was ever given when it comes to choosing a partner: you're entering a relationship with who they are right now, and not who you hope they might be in the future. If you can't live with them exactly as they are now, walk away. It's not going to work.

You're absolutely right on the nail. Thank you for bringing this issue to the surface. I should be helping people who want help. He makes it sound like he wants to get better but I realize he's a lost cause. After doing his AA program for 9 months, he will just continue his usual habits once he's off the hook. He's around enablers all the time. The disadvantage he has is lying, as his sober and drunken states conflict with the truth he's presenting. I've had my pity party for him but I need to conserve my energy for other people. He has lost my trust. Thank you for helping me realize that he is not right for me and that I was disillusioned by his potential. I also feel like everything started to feel like a one-way street, where I wasn't getting any fulfillment out of it at the end of the day. This is my first time being around an addict and it definitely conflicts with my own interests, morals and values. It's no fun being a babysitter and being around someone who is rarely conscious enough to understand how he is hurting himself and others as well by continuing this destructive behavior. I constantly envision who he will become and someone who likes to fight, has been in jail, likes to be drunk is definitely worrisome and definitely not father material. Simply put, he needs to grow up and be a man. Even as a friend I cannot support what he is doing. He actively knows what he is doing and what made me frightful was seeing this evil grimace in his eyes and face as he acknowledged all his wrongdoings with delight. I saw right into his soul and right away I already knew to stay the heck away.

[manifestsunshine]

On 1/19/2020 at 7:01 AM, kendahke said:

You mean "should I develop this enabler role I'm going to have to play in order to be with an alcoholic who was ordered by the state to attend AA meetings?"

No. It's not healthy nor should you allow yourself to develop any more attraction to someone who likes drinking and fighting--because when he can't find dudes to fight in the street, he's going to come looking for you to fight.

His family thinks you're an angel because they want to offload their problem onto you to own.

And he's not a rebel--he's a loser who won't take responsibility for his life.

Thank you so much for your clarity and I definitely agree with you on all of it. He really does have serious issues and I took them all ever so lightly. Him acknowledging his problems by feeding glory into all his defeats of fighting/cheating...with such delight is not the right attitude he holds. He just doesn't care enough about himself, yet alone other people. I feel taken advantage of and cannot support him anymore with his bad intentions as they do not align with my core values and ethics at all. I really feel he's putting himself in a position to get really physically hurt one of these days...it's only a matter of time. He is no angel and recently converted to believing in god, as a form of salvation. All it comes down to is that he knows what he is doing and it's all intentional..he knows he has ill-intentions and he will get away with whatever he can as long as he can repent. It's like the person he portrays to his friends and family is totally different from who he actually is in real life. I think I'm the only person who sees right through his BS and somehow he is confiding in me...a person who was just a stranger not so long ago bc he believes I am like an angel. He lies so much out of his ass I just don't know what to believe anymore- that's how bad his drunken state has affected his consciousness. As angelic as he portrays me, I see a menacing devil residing within brewing more chaos and catastrophes. It's very unsettling. I definitely do not want to compromise my safety and you're right that they are offloading their problem onto me. He definitely needs to grow some ball and level up. He has no inkling to change and he is what he is....just a lost soul roaming around freely until he can't anymore. It's so sad but my pity party for him is over. I have lost respect for him 

[smackie9]

So glad you got that all sorted out

[manifestsunshine]

13 hours ago, smackie9 said:

So glad you got that all sorted out

I'm grateful for your help! Thank you!