playing it cool but planning an exit strategy.

January 17, 2020

I went out with a guy 3 days ago and we hit it off really well.

Hes 25 and im 30...ive never went out with a guy so much younger but i didnt notice the difference. He just started his own business and literally works 7 days a week with no other employees in his store to help. I like the fact hes driven but understand me might be really busy all the time.

We ended up kissing at the end of the date and he dropped me off at home. He text me right away saying "I had such a fun time, and im looking forward to going on more dates in the future, it might be too early to say but, i really like you, i finally found someone i can vibe with and think you're beautiful"

Since then the texting has been very minimal, short replies that take hours but he does ask me how im doing and stuff like that.

Yesterday I came out and told him, Id like to see him again and go to a place we were talking about on our first date, and how i liked him. I just wanted him to know I liked him too and have him feel validated. Im very aware not to over text or anything like that either

He said he liked me too and was down to hang out again. I know its only been 3 days, im not trying to jump to conclusions but im trying to play this out to the best of my advantage. Basically, I feel the communication is very minimal since we met ( i see hes online all the time posting stories) and there has not been a solid plan to see me again. I dont want a texting buddy, im a face to face person. again its only been 3 days, im just trying to make a plan for myself

but i feel if another few days goes by without any text leading up to a second date, i want to cut my losses. In the past ive had guys that couldn't wait to see me again

effort/initiation is huge for me, im wondering if its going no where... should i speak up about how im feeling or just delete his number?

when its an appropriate time to see someone again after a first date? i have a life of my own too, but im just not into texting without a plan to hang out. i loose interest that way

Edited January 17, 2020 by FaithInTheDark

January 17, 2020

I don't know that there is a time frame but since he came on pretty strong the lack of follow through is a bit troubling. If it gets to a week without an ask, even if the date doesn't happen yet, I suppose I'd give up.

January 17, 2020

10 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I don't know that there is a time frame but since he came on pretty strong the lack of follow through is a bit troubling. If it gets to a week without an ask, even if the date doesn't happen yet, I suppose I'd give up.

Thanks for your response, its nice just to get others point of view. but i totally agree.

January 17, 2020

he could be just busy at work, or he could be just multi dating.

January 17, 2020

1 hour ago, preraph said:

he could be just busy at work, or he could be just multi dating.

i agree, and i completely respect being dedicated to work but theres a difference between that and simply being too busy to date. im starting to get the hint thats the case here.

January 17, 2020

Yeah. I don't think three days is very long when someone is busy, but was he a frequent texter before? I think only a few more days will tell.

January 17, 2020

Communication frequency does become an issue for me. I am always aware of the torrent level of chit/chat early on AND when both parties are still giddy with excitement. I am always at a high level of communication, but start to back off when the other person remains stagnant (non-committal) or her communication frequency reduces for whatever reason. I then wait for the other person to resume the energy. Not me. There are a number of reasons for decreasing contact, but I have long learned that no matter how busy, there is ALWAYS time to communicate in some manner at least once a day.

January 18, 2020

17 hours ago, FaithInTheDark said:

We ended up kissing at the end of the date and he dropped me off at home. He text me right away saying "I had such a fun time, and im looking forward to going on more dates in the future, it might be too early to say but, i really like you, i finally found someone i can vibe with and think you're beautiful"

Since then the texting has been very minimal, short replies that take hours but he does ask me how im doing and stuff like that.

What was your response to his declaration of affection? Were you enthusiastic or did you play it cool and "to your advantage?"

January 18, 2020

20 hours ago, FaithInTheDark said:

effort/initiation is huge for me, im wondering if its going no where... should i speak up about how im feeling or just delete his number?

Personally, I'd delete and block. This is going nowhere. He's not that into you. Speaking up will only get him to say some BS like, "Oh, baby, I like you blah blah." If he really liked you, you wouldn't be here asking these questions. You'd be happily anticipating your next date.

January 18, 2020

21 hours ago, FaithInTheDark said:

I feel the communication is very minimal since we met ( i see hes online all the time posting stories)

what kind of stories? business promotion or general life stories?

January 19, 2020

12 hours ago, schlumpy said:

What was your response to his declaration of affection? Were you enthusiastic or did you play it cool and "to your advantage?"

I pretty much just said " yes, i would like to see you again too"

January 19, 2020

9 hours ago, kendahke said:

what kind of stories? business promotion or general life stories?

the stories consist of his business stuff and clips of his life.

January 19, 2020

Since the last post, we have kept in touch fairly consistent, and he does initiate texting.

At one point, hanging out got brought up and I told him my usual days off. He replied "Im down, I cant wait to see you again" ...then today we talked about how cold it is outside and how cuddling would be nice... he said "yes we definitely need to have a chill night one day"... Im confused, is he trying to play it cool? why not pick a date and ask me out?

yes, this feels like its going no where. Ive been playing it out not to seem too eager but i have sent messages telling him my days off, and wanting to hang out again. I wont bring it up again, but honestly I dont think he even realizes what hes doing wrong here, not making excuses just seems that way a bit.

Should I stop responding to his texts ? or call him out and say "Hey You seem really cool but since you didnt seem interested in picking a day to see me again, maybe ites best we do our own thing?"

January 19, 2020

He's not that into you. Why are you thinking about chasing a man who isn't into you? He'll take it if you throw it at it him, but he's not gonna make any effort.

January 19, 2020

I think it's a matter of being on the wrong frequency. The signals you are giving each other are out of sync. You are not speaking the same language.

January 19, 2020

10 hours ago, FaithInTheDark said:

He replied "Im down, I cant wait to see you again" ...

he said "yes we definitely need to have a chill night one day"...

One day? Girl, he's not interested.

He's keeping you at bay for some reason

If he never responds with a definitive, declarative answer such as "How about Thursday night after you get off work?", then he's just giving you enough to keep the hook in your cheek and letting you wear yourself out, but he's not going to reel you in.

Quote

Should I stop responding to his texts ? or call him out and say "Hey You seem really cool but since you didnt seem interested in picking a day to see me again, maybe ites best we do our own thing?"

Stop responding to him. You're not his mother--don't call him out. He'll think he was right to take the non-action he's been taking with you. If he asks about your absense, you tell him that he you have tried to set up time together to no avail and you're looking elsewhere---and do be looking elsewhere. If he wanted to be with you, he'd make the time.

Remember: people make time for the things/people they consider to be important to them.

Edited January 19, 2020 by kendahke

January 19, 2020

11 hours ago, FaithInTheDark said:

Ive been playing it out not to seem too eager but i have sent messages telling him my days off, and wanting to hang out again. I wont bring it up again, but honestly I dont think he even realizes what hes doing wrong here, not making excuses just seems that way a bit.

Should I stop responding to his texts ? or call him out and say "Hey You seem really cool but since you didnt seem interested in picking a day to see me again, maybe ites best we do our own thing?"

He might be really busy trying to pay his bills, he might be a slave to his business. Like at 5 pm he has plans but he knows that at 4 pm something comes up 30% of the time and he would have to cancel. When work is like that, I tend to be a little more non-committal on an actual date and more spur of the moment. However, I agree with what was already pointed out...he came on strong and now there is no follow through. If I came on strong like that and meant it, no matter how busy I was, I would propose a lot of times to meet up. I'd meet you for breakfast at 4 am if that was the only time that would work. It might not work but i would definitely offer. If you told me the days you were free, I would absolutely offer one of those days and maybe a back up if I was really busy.

If you want to respond with the "maybe it's best" line, it's passive aggressive. Those type of responses ALWAYS end it for me regardless of my intentions, like complete boner killer and my only response to that would be, "Ok. No worries. It was nice to meet you, take care" and I would delete your number... It is a bit manipulative and childish. Instead of saying, "Hey, I would like to make concrete plans for a specific day", you would really be giving the ultimatum, "hey, you better pick a date or else!". Passive aggressiveness from someone I had one date with makes me immediately assume she is trying to flex her relationship power and manipulate. I assume every time she doesn't get her way in the future I will have to deal with passive aggressive BS threats. I wouldn't recommend that approach. Especially when you have not yet even asked straight up, "Can we pick a concrete day so I can plan my schedule for next week?".

January 19, 2020

1 hour ago, ChatroomHero said:

He might be really busy trying to pay his bills, he might be a slave to his business. Like at 5 pm he has plans but he knows that at 4 pm something comes up 30% of the time and he would have to cancel. When work is like that, I tend to be a little more non-committal on an actual date and more spur of the moment. However, I agree with what was already pointed out...he came on strong and now there is no follow through. If I came on strong like that and meant it, no matter how busy I was, I would propose a lot of times to meet up. I'd meet you for breakfast at 4 am if that was the only time that would work. It might not work but i would definitely offer. If you told me the days you were free, I would absolutely offer one of those days and maybe a back up if I was really busy.

If you want to respond with the "maybe it's best" line, it's passive aggressive. Those type of responses ALWAYS end it for me regardless of my intentions, like complete boner killer and my only response to that would be, "Ok. No worries. It was nice to meet you, take care" and I would delete your number... It is a bit manipulative and childish. Instead of saying, "Hey, I would like to make concrete plans for a specific day", you would really be giving the ultimatum, "hey, you better pick a date or else!". Passive aggressiveness from someone I had one date with makes me immediately assume she is trying to flex her relationship power and manipulate. I assume every time she doesn't get her way in the future I will have to deal with passive aggressive BS threats. I wouldn't recommend that approach. Especially when you have not yet even asked straight up, "Can we pick a concrete day so I can plan my schedule for next week?".

I agree, basically I came out last night and said “I’m confused, do you want to actually hang out or just be friends?”

he said “I want to actually hang out, if you’re okay with that”

I said

”of course I’m okay with that but I’m asking because I told you the days I was free and you never initiated a plan...I’m busy but I’d make the time to see you because I’m not a texting person”

he said “ okay, yeah that’s my mistake” nothing else.

I dunno if what I said was the right way to go but I simply established my thoughts.

i deleted his number. So not giving this any more thought.
I’m wondering though, why do guys say things like “ I really like you and can’t wait to see you” when they have no intention in following through? Why not just say, let’s be friends or I don’t see a future with you? What’s the point oh laying it on so thick? It’s weird to me.

guys? Lol

January 19, 2020

You voiced your concerns about him not following through with making plans. So, the ball is in his court; he knows you want him to initiate plans and he will do so if he is truly interested. Some guys are insecure or just not well-versed in the dating process; he might not understand the importance of taking the initiative in dating plans. I know it was something that I struggled with when I first started dating. I'd meet a woman, I'd want to see them again but I also viewed making plans as a "committee" discussion; I'd tell them I wanted to see them again and hope that they would say "I'm not busy on ____ or _____ nights." Some of them did, most of them didn't and I learned to be forward in setting up a date.

January 19, 2020

You did the right thing because after you expressed your concern the only thing he could say was "okay, yeah that was my mistake" without any talk or plan to correct it is just blah, blah, blah. He was not really interested.

January 19, 2020

2 hours ago, FaithInTheDark said:

I agree, basically I came out last night and said “I’m confused, do you want to actually hang out or just be friends?”

he said “I want to actually hang out, if you’re okay with that”

I said

”of course I’m okay with that but I’m asking because I told you the days I was free and you never initiated a plan...I’m busy but I’d make the time to see you because I’m not a texting person”

he said “ okay, yeah that’s my mistake” nothing else.

I dunno if what I said was the right way to go but I simply established my thoughts.

i deleted his number. So not giving this any more thought.
I’m wondering though, why do guys say things like “ I really like you and can’t wait to see you” when they have no intention in following through? Why not just say, let’s be friends or I don’t see a future with you? What’s the point oh laying it on so thick? It’s weird to me.

guys? Lol

You handled it well. Coming out and asking was they way to handle it. Women do the same thing, it's not just a guy thing. It sounds like typical low to moderate interest. In his case if he has low interest, I think it was wrong to indicate he was more interested on your date. Sometimes you are waiting to see if the interest grows, or you felt attracted at first and now aren't sure how attracted you are. At that point I think you shouldn't say things you don't fully mean because it is a d*ck move to do to the other person, saying things you know you probably don't mean.

If I ask a woman out and she is interested, it is usually a matter of 2-3 texts to get to the point that we are meeting at XXX place at XXX time on XXX day. Anything else I start checking out early. Even if I have low interest and plan on seeing her again, if she tells me the days she is free I confirm which day works for me and make a plan. If someone doesn't do that the first time you offer your schedule, it's low interest and you should just move on.

January 19, 2020

It does seem weird. I’ve done it before. I think people who do this are also the type that hate confrontation of any kind. You just want to make people feel nice. You’ll say “I had an amazing time!” because you want to match their energy, even if you didn’t exactly feel 100% the same. You think if you’re being positive now, you’re not doing any harm. You’re only vaguely thinking about how it will do harm later, when the person expects you to follow up.

January 19, 2020

Thanks for the responses, I deleted his number and he still text me saying hello ...I didn’t answer. Like serious? What’s the point of him even texting me if he doesn’t like me? Ridiculous

January 20, 2020

10 hours ago, schlumpy said:

I think it's a matter of being on the wrong frequency. The signals you are giving each other are out of sync. You are not speaking the same language.

I agree. Way off base lol

January 20, 2020

Update. After ignoring him all day he reached out and asked if I’d like to go out with him on Thursday haha!

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