SadNlonely18 Posted January 17, 2020 Posted January 17, 2020 (edited) Hello all..I'm new to the board and am glad I found it I found a lot of useful information. Anyways I have been with my wife since high school she's 43 I'm 45 we have 3 kids 8,9 and 21. we have always had a great relationship up until a couple years ago she started acting different with me angry a lot of the time I confronted her about it and she said she feels unhappy that our relationship has become stale we don't go out anywhere Cuz we have no sitter for the kids and she's bored. We agreed to work through it. Fast forward to December '19 she got a job and she told me they were having a Christmas party for the employees but she couldn't take me Cuz the manager was paying not the company and she said she would also just like a night out with her friends so I reluctantly agreed to stay with the kids. She said she will be back in a couple hours it was at a local pizza place that closed at 10pm but she didn't get home till 4am drunk out of her mind. I was going crazy all night Thinking the worst calling her phone but it was turned off. The next day I found evidence that someone was in the back seat of my car and I confronted her about it and she confessed that she had indeed cheated. I was devastated she was my best friend she was remorseful at first but when I told her that if she wanted to work things out she needed to quit her job or transfer to a different location she became almost hostile I began to think that she is having an affair with someone at work not just a one night stand like she said. I just don't know what to do I love my kids and the are my weakness and she knows it. Any advice is greatly appreciated..thanks Edited January 17, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Add paragraphs
preraph Posted January 17, 2020 Posted January 17, 2020 Quitting the job wouldn't stop her from seeing someone assuming that the someone she was seeing is from the job. So there's no point in having that stipulation. What you got to do is talk to her and find out if she plans on continuing to see other men or if she really wants to preserve the marriage. You need to wait until you're calm and have an adult talk. If you really can't communicate, then you might need a counselor to help you do that. I'm sorry you're going through this. I will say one thing. If you decide to work on it, we need to be prepared to hire sitters and take her out and get her out of the house and go do adult things because she is really hungry for that. He can be absolutely suffocating doing nothing but taking care of kids. That's why she's not about to give her job up. 1
DKT3 Posted January 17, 2020 Posted January 17, 2020 She wont give up her job because her AP absolutely works with her, that's why he wasn't invited to the party. Not having a babysitter is a very weak excuse for you not taking her out and especially weak for her having an affair. You both got lazy. I try to stay away from husbands who have been cheated on threads because it can be very frustrating. They tend to be crippled with fear. If I get strong she will leave, If I hold firm on things I need she will leave, if I contact the guys wife she might toss him and my wife might leave. So they stay stuck. Take action, be strong and one way or the other you will get through this much quicker. 2
Author SadNlonely18 Posted January 17, 2020 Author Posted January 17, 2020 Thank you for your advice..I should mention that she is a bipolar and seems to feel unhappy whenever she stops taking her meds and also her job is a night time job where she is never sure what time she is off sometimes she gets home at 12am other days she gets home at 3am I leave to work at 4:30am but can't get much sleep until she gets home and the anxiety is killing me I feel like she is getting out sooner but she is doing something else. That's why I asked her to quit her job.
DKT3 Posted January 17, 2020 Posted January 17, 2020 If she quits she wont be able to explain all the missing time she is using on her affair. Do you have a plan? You will never be able to control her behavior, all you can do is accept or don't. If you dont plan on accepting it then you have to start detaching so you can move on. What your facing now is a woman who believes she is in control, which she is only in control of her actions, if you dont plan on accepting it you have to forget about planning a life with her and start planning one without. If she wants the relationship she will find a way. 3
Author SadNlonely18 Posted January 17, 2020 Author Posted January 17, 2020 You are right she does believe she is in control. I am planning on leaving as soon as I can money is a little tight at the moment but I do think I am ready to leave and cut off all contact with her. I know it will be very hard and I will miss my kids but I know I will be ok. Thanks for your advice 2
Marc878 Posted January 17, 2020 Posted January 17, 2020 I think you’ll find in these situations talk won’t get you much except a longer stay in limbo. if the work together the affair will continue. Youwant to know who her new boyfriend is go online and look at your phone bill. 1
Marc878 Posted January 17, 2020 Posted January 17, 2020 (edited) Do not leave your home without paperwork filed. It an be considered abandonment. see an attorney ASAP Edited January 17, 2020 by Marc878
Author SadNlonely18 Posted January 17, 2020 Author Posted January 17, 2020 Thanks marc..I will look for an attorney to see what my route options are.
Marc878 Posted January 17, 2020 Posted January 17, 2020 (edited) This isn’t a court of law. You don’t need to catch her in the act or have concrete proof. All you need is proof enough for you. If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and looks like a duck it’s probably not a zebra. Shes not staying out until 4am talking Edited January 17, 2020 by Marc878 2
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted January 17, 2020 Posted January 17, 2020 (edited) If you live in a place where there are legal complications associated with adultery, I suggest you chase after that... Should of started gathering evidence before you ever confronted her, but to be honest, adultery is fine in most places. Now that you have opened that door though, she will be on guard and is likely beginning to formulate a plan to get out. I would definitely consult a lawyer. If you hadn't confronted her about it, you may of had a different option to dealing with this, but because you did, you've put pressure on her to make a move, granted, the guy she is having a potential affair with probably doesn't want a grown woman and her 2 boys moving in. She is past 40, she knows her booze limit, she made a choice to get hammered and put herself into a position for something to happen... Being drunk is not an excuse, especially when she asked you not to attend in the first place.. Her intent is pretty clear here. I would say you are definitely in a time-sensitive place here to resolve this thing as best as you can for now... Have a talk with her and pacify her, let her think its all good or whatever and buy yourself some time to figure this out... The fact that she is getting hostile about the work place is a clear indicator that this will continue. Edited January 17, 2020 by CAPSLOCK BANDIT
Buffer Posted January 17, 2020 Posted January 17, 2020 Brother, this is a s*** sandwich. First off, let’s look after you. Seek legal advice ASAP, from a few lawyers, just so you know your rights and responsibilities. Specifically if you leave, as this could be considered abandonment. Now, medical checks specifically STDs and STIs, some can be transferred in saliva. Start checking the phone, internet and bank accounts for irregularities or consistent calls or texts. Exspose this to her family now, you don’t need her permission, she has confirmed there was at least a ONS. As she was reluctant to have you attend the Xmas drinks, this was a planned event, not a drunken floppy back seat romp. Please seek IC for yourself, not MC as both parties need to be onboard for the latter. As she is not remorseful for her actions, refusal to transfer or resign shows you she still wants the POSOM. Did she at least tell you who it was? If she states they were black out drunk , then his Mr Happy wouldn’t be that happy if you know what I mean. Also again if too drunk could she consent? is the POS married, or have a partner. Again shine a light on this ONS and inform the AP spouse of the banging in the back seat. Get and place a VAR in her car so you can hear her conversations to the AP whilst travelling to and from work or hook ups. please start distancing yourself from her whilst you are still in the family home. Check out the 180 and start it now. You don’t have to make long term relationship decisions right now. Take your time, exercise, walk the dog, eat healthy, drink water no booze, be there for the children. Also if you can communicate to her through texts and keep them emotionless specially about her ONS or A. If having a conversation again have a VAR in your pocket, no verbal abuse name calling. Keep calm, quiet non threatening tones. If she won’t answer a question then in a low tone rephrase it. You know your WW by now if you feel she is not being truthful then she isn’t. Go dark and deep gather intelligence on the A. She will gaslight you, TT and lie to make this not her fault. She drank, made the decision to keep you from the event, get naked and have the AP fall into her a few times. Alcohol and mistake this is not! One day at a time and the truth will set you free, l hope. Buffer
JS84 Posted January 17, 2020 Posted January 17, 2020 (edited) My sister and father are bipolar. Take it from me I wish my mother had divorced him back when we were children instead of having to deal with more years of infidelities, hookers, lies, and manic episodes. You should divorce her. Edited January 17, 2020 by JS84 1
Author SadNlonely18 Posted January 17, 2020 Author Posted January 17, 2020 Thanks for the replies..I asked her who it was and all she said it was a coworker's friend not the coworker but I don't believe her. She is supposed to be at work as I'm writing this and the anxiety is killing me there's so much that's running through my head right now.
schlumpy Posted January 17, 2020 Posted January 17, 2020 You can find the 180 program on the chump lady's website. I doubt that you know what you want to do at this point. What you don't want to do is make a mistake that you will regret. The best way to stop an affair is to expose the affair but that can be burning bridges. If this was a deal breaker then go scorched earth. If it isn't a deal breaker then the road ahead for you will be long and hard and you will eat many crap sandwiches before it's done with. Gather family and friends around you for support and remember that you can no longer trust her to make any decision that involves the consideration of your family or your marriage. You are on your own. So sorry.
AriesMan83 Posted January 17, 2020 Posted January 17, 2020 (edited) SadnLonely18, Sorry that you find yourself here. Pls take the advice from my post that you find beneficial for your situation and ignore the rest. First of all,find out about the OM.Gather concrete proof and expose him to his wife/girlfriend if he has one.He may drop your wife or leave his own wife/girlfriend.It will provide you and the other betrayed spouse with a chance to get out of your respective marriages if they continue the affair. You can also expose both of them at the office which may lead to both of them losing their jobs.Again it can make them end the affair or go forward with it.Even if the OM was a one night stand,his wife or girlfriend needs to know about his indiscretion so that she can make her own choices. Read about 180 and implement it.It will be extremely hard and difficult but it will also help you to detach from your wife. Take care of your own health.Remember you are the rational one among you and your wife right now.You also have to shield your kids from the fallout of her affair. Get into IC to heal yourself. If she ends the affair and you agree to reconciliation,the following demands has to be met by her- -She should join IC to find out why she had an affair. -She should give you the password to her phone,social media,email I'd to you.You will check them whenever you want. -She should answer all your questions regarding the affair as many times as you ask. -She will have to change her job or the location. Pls remember you are not to be blamed for the affair.She could have asked you for a divorce if she was so unhappy.Any single time she tries to justify her affair or blame you,shut it down.Make it clear to her that you were also not happy with the situation of the marriage before her affair but you didn't cheat.She cheated because of her poor boundaries.She could have asked you for MC instead of cheating.Her being unhappy is an excuse for her affair. Edited January 17, 2020 by AriesMan83
Confused48 Posted January 17, 2020 Posted January 17, 2020 Why do you think you will lose your kids? You both work. Unless you are not in the USA then you are likely to get 50/50 time with your kids. Maybe even primary custody. It used to be a presumption by the courts that the mother, even a cheating lying mother, was to get primary custody. Times have changed. Fathers are getting primary custody far more often now. Find an attorney that has a track record of getting primary custody for fathers. They are out there. Also, of course you are having anxiety when she is away. You suspect she is having sex with another man and you are almost certainly right, at least some of the time. That would drive anyone crazy. The only way to stop this is to put some distance between you and the cheater. Stop talking to her about anything other than the children and even then, keep it to email or text. Don't even look at her when she is in the same room. Act as if she is dead to you. Soon you will not care what she is doing on her own time.
Author SadNlonely18 Posted January 17, 2020 Author Posted January 17, 2020 You guys are awesome I'm glad I found this forum. I will have a talk with her to see if she is willing to do what I ask of her if she does not then I will do the 180. I wish I had friends and family around but family lives too far and well I don't have any friends I can talk to. But thanks again 2
mark clemson Posted January 17, 2020 Posted January 17, 2020 Be aware that in a few states adultery, if proven or admitted to, can have a significant impact on divorce settlements. It's also sometimes possible to sue an affair partner under "alienation of affection" laws. Just a few states have this and it may or may not be worth pursuing, e.g. financially. Not recommending you do this or anything, but it's one more thing to ask that lawyer about.
SummerDreams Posted January 17, 2020 Posted January 17, 2020 3 hours ago, AriesMan83 said: If she ends the affair and you agree to reconciliation,the following demands has to be met by her- -She should join IC to find out why she had an affair. -She should give you the password to her phone,social media,email I'd to you.You will check them whenever you want. -She should answer all your questions regarding the affair as many times as you ask. -She will have to change her job or the location. What a nightmare. I'd never accept to be monitored and interrogated by my husband. Of course in my case if I had cheated I would not even want to be with my H anymore. But f.., are there women who accept to do these things? How sad.
AriesMan83 Posted January 17, 2020 Posted January 17, 2020 12 minutes ago, SummerDreams said: What a nightmare. I'd never accept to be monitored and interrogated by my husband. Of course in my case if I had cheated I would not even want to be with my H anymore. But f.., are there women who accept to do these things? How sad. Hello SummerDreams, It's not just betrayed husbands who ask for this.It's also betrayed wives who ask for this. When a person cheats,he/she loses credibility and trust in front of his/her betrayed partner.These steps are followed by a wayward spouse to help build trust and credibility with his/her betrayed spouse.Being transparent helps in assuring a betrayed partner that the cheating has stopped. People cheat irrespective of whether they are happy or unhappy in a marriage/relationship.They cheat because of poor boundaries and selfishness. They cheat because of poor coping skills. If a person is unhappy in a relationship/marriage shouldn't he/she end the relationship/marriage??Why should a person lose his/her integrity and moral values by cheating instead of doing the right thing by ending the relationship/marriage? 1
Marc878 Posted January 17, 2020 Posted January 17, 2020 Go online and check your phone bill. Like most her boyfriends number will be there. With that you can get the rest of his info. keep your info and actions to yourself. Do not tell your wayward wife anything. you probably only know the “tip of the iceberg” 1
2BGoodAgain Posted January 17, 2020 Posted January 17, 2020 hmm.... 1) marriage counseling...obviously, she has to concur. 2) if not MC, then you need to decide to walk away from this relationship or not, then let her decide if she wants a divorce or not(presuming you want to keep this relationship going) 3) if you're serious about it, then have divorce as an option, if she doesn't want MC. protect yourself, your children... it's up to her to make a life changing decision. even if they are bad ones. sorry you're going thru this, but most affairs don't end, unless that person hits rock bottom.. and also realize, the affair is just the physical evidence something is wrong... not the actual cause. From your side... and i realize you're in pain/anger/etc... but if MC is a viable option for you both, you both need to be honest with each other and yourselves as to what led to this affair... her dissatisfaction/etc... it may be unfair and unreasonble, but once you find out the WHY, you two might have a chance to figuring out how to prevent future occurrences. it's not good enough to just commit not to make the mistake again from either parties... figuring out the WHY is really important to any possible chance of reconciliation and future. good luck to you.
SummerDreams Posted January 17, 2020 Posted January 17, 2020 1 hour ago, AriesMan83 said: People cheat irrespective of whether they are happy or unhappy in a marriage/relationship.They cheat because of poor boundaries and selfishness. They cheat because of poor coping skills. Why have I chosen to marry such a person in the first place? And why would I want to keep him and become his "mom" who will control him after I find out these bad traits that he has? In my eyes there is no such thing as real reconciliation. If your spouse cheats, either you divorce them with no further questions and explanations or, if you want to keep your family together / your lifestyle etc, you just accept it and go on. I'm not gonna spend my life searching my spouse's phone or mails to see whether he is cheating. If he really wants to cheat, he will do it without the need of phones or mails. This kind of stress just makes your life shorter. 3
2BGoodAgain Posted January 17, 2020 Posted January 17, 2020 1 minute ago, SummerDreams said: Why have I chosen to marry such a person in the first place? And why would I want to keep him and become his "mom" who will control him after I find out these bad traits that he has? In my eyes there is no such thing as real reconciliation. If your spouse cheats, either you divorce them with no further questions and explanations or, if you want to keep your family together / your lifestyle etc, you just accept it and go on. I'm not gonna spend my life searching my spouse's phone or mails to see whether he is cheating. If he really wants to cheat, he will do it without the need of phones or mails. This kind of stress just makes your life shorter. you don't. if you have to become his mom or monitor his activities, that defeats the purpose....and the relationship dies. obviously, it differs from couple to couple.. not everyone is the same, but if the person cheated on decides there's some hope for the relationship to continue, it cannot continue like it never happened. That relationship/marriage is destroyed. Any memories/promises, destroyed. You also can't keep the family just for the sake of the family, either, though im' sure there are many that have tried. True reconciliation isn't that you forgive and forget and move on... that's just burying the problem for it to rear its afteraffects until some later time.. or that you accept the cheating as part of the relationship, b/c that's no solution either. the couple starts from scratch. Accept that the other party can cheat, has cheated, but build a new relationship. And it won't be the same, it'll be different b/c the affair DID happen. There will be trust issues from the person cheated on, obviously. Anger, sadness, distrust that will obviously need to be addressed. Reasons why it happened, thru counseling... it will take years.. and during all this, no promises that even with counseling,etc that it can actually succeed. From what I've read, it's very hard to succeed, but it really depends on both parties.. how badly they want to make it succeed. The person who cheats... they have to accept the reality of their deed, their lies, their deceit.. to themselves and to everyone around them. But like any mistake, you do have a choice to let it define who you are, or not. No one is perfect and though some mistakes have much bigger consequences than others... b/c no one is perfect, there is redemption. But again, even with all that, and lots of soul searching, no guarantees... the other party could decide, they just can't do it.. can't trust their partner anymore, and it can end. As many have. For some cheaters, they're given a rare chance by their partners. Of those rare chances, some relapse, some can't face their demons, and some give up, some can't rebuild that trust. Of those that survive that... they'll have a stronger, better relationship that's more honest and more transparent than the last, b/c without that improved growth, it won't work. At least, that's what i've read and heard from people who's been thru affairs.
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