treehugger12 Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 I am a married woman of 28 years and I've become good friends with a married man of 37 years. It started out as just a little crush over a year ago, flirting and laughing. We'd see each other once a week through work. We have made it clear with each other that it would not ever go further so we are on the same page. We enjoy each others company, occasionally have lunch together and we are very comfortable with each other, I feel like we click so well. My question is, is this ok? I love being friends with him. I don't want to give up a great friendship because we are of the opposite sex and we are married. He is very happy in his marriage and I don't believe he is looking for anything else but us being friends.
elaine567 Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 Does your husband and his wife know the extent of this "friendship"? 1
Author treehugger12 Posted January 16, 2020 Author Posted January 16, 2020 38 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Does your husband and his wife know the extent of this "friendship"? No, neither know. Not sure if my husband would care or not. My husband hates having friends, doesn't want any and makes it almost impossible for me to have friends. Especially couples friends. I have a lot of acquaintances and only one good girl friend that I hardly get to see. I want to have friends. I don't want to give up my friend because he is male. 1
DKT3 Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 Circumstances dictate. Knowing your posting history, I would say it's not ok. Question, if it's all on the level why not include the spouses?
Author treehugger12 Posted January 16, 2020 Author Posted January 16, 2020 I've learned a lot from past mistakes and know boundaries now. We all learn from our mistakes. Don't want to include my spouse because my husband does not want any friends which is why I am making my own friends. I don't feel like I should be deprived my whole life of having friendships because my husband doesn't want to. Good friends are hard to come by and its also hard making friends in your 50's. I care a lot about my male friend and have I a lot of respect for him and his family and would not ever cross the line to hurt them.
Author treehugger12 Posted January 16, 2020 Author Posted January 16, 2020 3 minutes ago, S2B said: I have to ask...do you enjoy your marriage? We have our ups and downs like all marriages. For the most part it is good and we get along great.
elaine567 Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 Is this male friend, your ex MM or was that another guy?
d0nnivain Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 1 hour ago, treehugger12 said: It started out as just a little crush over a year ago, flirting and laughing. This is the problem. You aren't friends. It's a crush & you are flirting. True platonic friendship where there are no crushes is just fine. You are headed down a slippery slope. 1
snowboy91 Posted January 17, 2020 Posted January 17, 2020 1 hour ago, d0nnivain said: This is the problem. You aren't friends. It's a crush & you are flirting. True platonic friendship where there are no crushes is just fine. You are headed down a slippery slope. While I mostly agree with you, just because there was a crush at the start doesn't mean there is a crush now. They've agreed to keep it platonic, and that's as far as it goes. OP, my concern is that you are hiding it from you husband anyway despite everything being above board. If you won't tell him, he may find out through other means... and that will be a lot worse than you bringing it up to him yourself since you keeping it a secret suggests you have something to hide.
DKT3 Posted January 17, 2020 Posted January 17, 2020 (edited) Said every woman who has had an affair...its platonic, we are just friends....until they arent. OP has been down this road and failed. Now she has jumped right back on. Also she said HE was happy in his marriage and she doesn't think HE wants more. Often when infidelities or possible infidelity is involved what's not said is as important as what is said. She never denied she doesn't want more. She likely will after she reads this, but if it were true she would have included it from the start. When asked why the spouses arent included she said her husband doesn't want friends..what about the guys wife? No mention. Edited January 17, 2020 by DKT3
mark clemson Posted January 17, 2020 Posted January 17, 2020 If you truly intend to soak up the attention and not cheat, then you're going to have to steel yourself and keep the resolve to do that. It's possible to keep doing this and not succumb, but it won't be easy. Clearly he enjoys the attention too and so it could turn into more on his side as well. If you hadn't already had an affair, you could tell your husband about this, but since you did you probably don't want to. He's less likely to put up with it (and who could blame him). Or was there no D-day. IF not, then you should disclose so he has the option to weigh in. If it's just a friend, you should be able to give him up if husband isn't ok with it - right? I think the point about you slipping back into affair territory is a valid one. You should step back and reflect and be SURE you're not doing that if you don't want a repeat.
central Posted January 17, 2020 Posted January 17, 2020 You can be friends, but you need to maintain excellent boundaries even if (especially if!) there is any attraction. Your spouses need to know about the friendship, and know when you spend any time together. Spouses should meet the two of you as well, and occasionally be invited to participate in an social event. If you need to keep it secret, it won't work and is the wrong way to be friends. Transparency is essential, else you should end the friendship.
Author treehugger12 Posted January 17, 2020 Author Posted January 17, 2020 2 hours ago, elaine567 said: Is this male friend, your ex MM or was that another guy? That was a different guy, we ended up being friends and see each other through work sometimes. 1 1
RF1980 Posted January 17, 2020 Posted January 17, 2020 (edited) Just my two cents here, and I am not judging you Treehugger12, but it sounds like you're interested in more than friendship with this man and you probably are looking for justification to keep seeing this guy to see what happens. For one thing, I don't think you would be on here asking for advice if you felt this friendship was okay. I could see how if your husband knew about the friendship and told you to cut it off you might come to a place like this to ask for input but that doesn't sound like this has happened as of yet. In addition , I have had quite a few female platonic friends in my life and there has not been one that my SO has not known about. In fact my SO has usually met most of the female platonic friends I have had. The only reason I could think of for not telling my SO about a platonic friend is if I I wanted to keep the person secret so I could have more freedom to interact with this person which would mean they are not a platonic friend in the first place. The final point I'll make is that you said this only started a year ago with a crush and flirting. So this clearly started out based off of some attraction/chemistry (which I am pretty sure hasn't cooled at this point) and this guy has not been in your life long enough to justify the amount of value you place on this "friendship." Again, not judging you, but I think you just need to be honest with yourself and what you want here but I would definitely tread lightly because this sounds like something that could easily slide into at least an emotional affair if it already hasn't. Edited January 17, 2020 by RF1980
Author treehugger12 Posted January 17, 2020 Author Posted January 17, 2020 I’ve been through hell being in the affair fog for over a year with exMM and I’ve told my friend this and explained that I would never ever go down that rabbit hole again. The pain I suffered is awful and if I felt myself slipping into that fog again, I would immediately back out! It started as a crush but now it’s turned into a friendship, that’s it. I don’t have the “crush” feeling anymore. Him and I are comfortable being friends now knowing that neither one of us want anything more.
Artdeco Posted January 17, 2020 Posted January 17, 2020 Hmmmm..... I’m glad you overcame the crush feelings, especially because the guy is married. And happily. And with regards to your husband, why can’t you just tell him that you have a male friend? If he is just a friend that shouldn’t be a problem, especially if your hubby is not a very social person. He should understand that you need a circle of friends even if he doesn’t. I don’t know - I think keeping secrets in an intimate relationship / marriage is just aggravating. Or stressful. Honestly: what would you do if your male platonic friend approached you in a romantic way? Would you reject him?
DKT3 Posted January 17, 2020 Posted January 17, 2020 I dont think you are being honest with yourself...you said it started as a crush but you didn't back away, you kept going. So how are you convincing yourself that its 1) still not a crush since you arent willing to bring your spouse in and haven't answered about his wife 2) already broke your self imposed limit of backing away if it was a crush. Like mentioned above, you already know the answer, you know its not ok.
Author treehugger12 Posted January 17, 2020 Author Posted January 17, 2020 3 minutes ago, DKT3 said: I dont think you are being honest with yourself...you said it started as a crush but you didn't back away, you kept going. So how are you convincing yourself that its 1) still not a crush since you arent willing to bring your spouse in and haven't answered about his wife 2) already broke your self imposed limit of backing away if it was a crush. Like mentioned above, you already know the answer, you know its not ok. I’m being very honest with myself, first of all you don’t know the whole story how we became friends. Crushes do diminish, like feelings I had with exMM, I see him often and I don’t have those “feelings” anymore for him. My friend and I have talked about how we feel and we enjoy being friends and we know we are not wanting more. I have a friend and coworker who are bisexual and married, so does this mean she can’t have any friends outside her marriage because she is bisexual? She is married to a women. Yet her BFF is another woman.
DKT3 Posted January 17, 2020 Posted January 17, 2020 If she recently had an affair and is keeping the "friendship" a secret you already know the answer, which is why you're looking for someone to validate your decision.
Author treehugger12 Posted January 17, 2020 Author Posted January 17, 2020 (edited) 28 minutes ago, DKT3 said: If she recently had an affair and is keeping the "friendship" a secret you already know the answer, which is why you're looking for someone to validate your decision. I think anyone here that has been with there spouse for 25 + years doesn’t keep “any” secrets from their spouse is a complete lie. DKT3 how long have you been married? Like Ive said, live and learn, I’ve learned from my mistakes. I know my husband wouldn’t be happy about my friendship, but there are things I don’t like my husband does, but he still does them. I wouldn’t even call my past an affair. It was a short lived fling, 3 weeks. Took me over a year to get over. So believe me I’ve learned from my past. Edited January 17, 2020 by treehugger12
DKT3 Posted January 17, 2020 Posted January 17, 2020 2 minutes ago, treehugger12 said: I think anyone here that has been with there spouse for 25 + years doesn’t keep “any” secrets from their spouse is a complete lie. DKT3 how long have you been married? Like Ive said, live and learn, I’ve learned from my mistakes. I know my husband wouldn’t be happy about my friendship, but there are things I don’t like my husband does, but he still does them. I will be 48 this year and I've been with my wife since I was 17 years old minus a few. Of course I dont tell her everything, but I have no secrets. If she asks I answer.
Author treehugger12 Posted January 17, 2020 Author Posted January 17, 2020 2 hours ago, Artdeco said: Hmmmm..... I’m glad you overcame the crush feelings, especially because the guy is married. And happily. And with regards to your husband, why can’t you just tell him that you have a male friend? If he is just a friend that shouldn’t be a problem, especially if your hubby is not a very social person. He should understand that you need a circle of friends even if he doesn’t. I don’t know - I think keeping secrets in an intimate relationship / marriage is just aggravating. Or stressful. Honestly: what would you do if your male platonic friend approached you in a romantic way? Would you reject him? Yes absolutely would reject him. I don’t tell my husband because some things are just better left unsaid. I’ve been married a long time, I know what’s best for my marriage and what works for us. My husband does what makes him happy and I’m going to do what makes me happy and that’s having friends.
Author treehugger12 Posted January 17, 2020 Author Posted January 17, 2020 5 minutes ago, DKT3 said: I will be 48 this year and I've been with my wife since I was 17 years old minus a few. Of course I dont tell her everything, but I have no secrets. If she asks I answer. If my husband asked me if I had a male friend I would absolutely tell him yes, I do! It’s not a secret, I just haven’t told him. I don’t tell my husband everything either.
DKT3 Posted January 17, 2020 Posted January 17, 2020 How is that? So your husband has never said how was your day, or what did you do today, on days that you hung out with this other guy? You didnt say yeah I has an interesting conversation or lunch with xxx. So yeah you're keeping him a secret. Your answers are simply evolving with the thread.
schlumpy Posted January 17, 2020 Posted January 17, 2020 So what fascinating subjects do you talk about with your new friend? Are you both fascinated with the latest discoveries in astronomy? Is bicycling a passion so you compare notes on local bike routes? National parks are a religious experience for you and your friend has wandered among the geysers and hot springs of your favorite geyser basin? Or do you speak about things that are more personal like how your husband doesn't want friends and you're lonely? Tell your husband about your friendship. He may change his mind and want to make some good friends himself.
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