penguins1010 Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 Let me start off by saying I'm in a same sex marriage... My wife has a male friend that is about 15 years older than her. I'm not sure how they meet but she has known him for several years. He is also married and has been for a significant time. He and my wife text each other daily. He brings lunch over at least once a week. And is always giving gifts. It's not like it's going on behind my back. I'm included in the lunches and things. I also know there isn't any physical contact. But my concern is they have a strong emotional connection. He insists on dropping food off or stopping by weekly. To the point it feels like interfering. I feel like he is in the middle of our daily lives. She doesn't feel that way though. She said he is like a father to her. But it just feels like he is really overbearing. Am I just over reacting? Or is this a reason to be concerned? Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 hmm... interesting dynamic... IF he was the father of your wife... would you still feel like he's intruding on your life? my question is.. is it the action or the person that bothers you more? dissect where these feelings are coming from and what the root emotion is... it'll help you better figure out what's bothering you so much about this. You've mentioned there's no physical contact, so you're not necessarily worried about a physical relationship, but you are worried about an emotional one.. yet, has she always been attracted to one gender, or is she in between? how do i delicately say this?? lol. As for the guy... does his wife know what he does? does he keep things from her, or is all this out in the open? Link to post Share on other sites
Author penguins1010 Posted January 16, 2020 Author Share Posted January 16, 2020 2 minutes ago, 2BGoodAgain said: hmm... interesting dynamic... IF he was the father of your wife... would you still feel like he's intruding on your life? my question is.. is it the action or the person that bothers you more? dissect where these feelings are coming from and what the root emotion is... it'll help you better figure out what's bothering you so much about this. You've mentioned there's no physical contact, so you're not necessarily worried about a physical relationship, but you are worried about an emotional one.. yet, has she always been attracted to one gender, or is she in between? how do i delicately say this?? lol. As for the guy... does his wife know what he does? does he keep things from her, or is all this out in the open? Good points... Yes I think I would find it intruding. It's almost like he won't take no for an answer. It feels almost controlling. Honestly the action and the person both get to me. I just don't think he is just a guy trying to be friendly. And I don't think he is this way with other friends. I just pick up a vibe from him. He likes being in her company. And I not sure but I don't think his wife knows. I really have never heard him say much about her. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 Is she gay or bi/pan? If she's solidly gay then this is more or less by definition a friendship. If she branches out, then this could be considered an EA, especially if he's trying to seduce her, which you seem to be implying. From your other thread it sounds like she is very down on you and unappreciative/emotionally disconnected right now. So either way it does sound like some of the emotional connection is "going to" the male friend right now instead of to you. Whether he's starting to supplant you in her life or she's reaching out to him to fill a void from being less into you (a chicken/egg question) is pertinent, but ultimately it sounds like you need to emotionally reconnect with her. Marriage counseling might be a good way to do this. IF you go that route, be sure to get a therapist with lots of experience who genuinely specializes in couples. (Lesbian couples specialty presumably even better.) Link to post Share on other sites
Author penguins1010 Posted January 16, 2020 Author Share Posted January 16, 2020 4 minutes ago, mark clemson said: Is she gay or bi/pan? If she's solidly gay then this is more or less by definition a friendship. If she branches out, then this could be considered an EA, especially if he's trying to seduce her, which you seem to be implying. From your other thread it sounds like she is very down on you and unappreciative/emotionally disconnected right now. So either way it does sound like some of the emotional connection is "going to" the male friend right now instead of to you. Whether he's starting to supplant you in her life or she's reaching out to him to fill a void from being less into you (a chicken/egg question) is pertinent, but ultimately it sounds like you need to emotionally reconnect with her. Marriage counseling might be a good way to do this. IF you go that route, be sure to get a therapist with lots of experience who genuinely specializes in couples. (Lesbian couples specialty presumably even better.) I totally agree with what you are saying. I think he always wants to one up me. I know she isn't into him physically. But I do feel like he is who she always goes to if there is a problem. Makes it hard to reconnect. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 (edited) 18 minutes ago, penguins1010 said: Good points... Yes I think I would find it intruding. It's almost like he won't take no for an answer. It feels almost controlling. Honestly the action and the person both get to me. I just don't think he is just a guy trying to be friendly. And I don't think he is this way with other friends. I just pick up a vibe from him. He likes being in her company. And I not sure but I don't think his wife knows. I really have never heard him say much about her. yeah... i think so too. that's why i asked about whether the wife is included in this. 1) he should respect the boundaries of your relationship with your wife. That's the core relationship. Then you build your boundaries layer by layer depending on who the person is. family, friends, etc... but this boundary has to be agreed upon by the couple. Obviously, your wife doesn't feel his presence violates that. 2) b/c your wife accepts this relationship as harmless, you need to convey to her... how you feel about it. That you don't feel it is harmless. I'm not saying you should put down the law, as the saying goes... that's just counter productive... but perhaps invite the wife over and see if his behavior around your wife changes with his wife around. You might want to convey this idea to your wife, and if the relationship is as harmless as she feels it is... then it shouldn't be a problem. I recommend you share this idea with her, b/c you two are a team... a couple... the core boundary that's the strongest. 3) guys use the friend angle b/c it's disarming. guys do it consciously and unconsciously to get close to a girl. they can always feign innocence, that they want to be a friend, if the target gets suspicious... or do the opposite, if the setting seems right. This is of course, presuming a more nefarious intent. For all we know, at worst, this could be a simple case of a guy going thru mid life crisis and having a young woman paying him attention, or best case, he really thinks of her as his daughter... (shrug)... 4) but if you don't want to drive ur wife away from you, do this all with her... rather than against her. 5) still get your true intentions/irritations figured out. Regardless of 1-4 be true or not, you might also be really jealous of another individual.... cuz what are you gonna do if all this IS all benign? So figure yourself out too, while ur at it. Good luck! Edited January 16, 2020 by 2BGoodAgain Link to post Share on other sites
Author penguins1010 Posted January 16, 2020 Author Share Posted January 16, 2020 (edited) 21 minutes ago, 2BGoodAgain said: yeah... i think so too. that's why i asked about whether the wife is included in this. 1) he should respect the boundaries of your relationship with your wife. That's the core relationship. Then you build your boundaries layer by layer depending on who the person is. family, friends, etc... but this boundary has to be agreed upon by the couple. Obviously, your wife doesn't feel his presence violates that. 2) b/c your wife accepts this relationship as harmless, you need to convey to her... how you feel about it. That you don't feel it is harmless. I'm not saying you should put down the law, as the saying goes... that's just counter productive... but perhaps invite the wife over and see if his behavior around your wife changes with his wife around. You might want to convey this idea to your wife, and if the relationship is as harmless as she feels it is... then it shouldn't be a problem. I recommend you share this idea with her, b/c you two are a team... a couple... the core boundary that's the strongest. 3) guys use the friend angle b/c it's disarming. guys do it consciously and unconsciously to get close to a girl. they can always feign innocence, that they want to be a friend, if the target gets suspicious... or do the opposite, if the setting seems right. This is of course, presuming a more nefarious intent. For all we know, at worst, this could be a simple case of a guy going thru mid life crisis and having a young woman paying him attention, or best case, he really thinks of her as his daughter... (shrug)... 4) but if you don't want to drive ur wife away from you, do this all with her... rather than against her. 5) still get your true intentions/irritations figured out. Regardless of 1-4 be true or not, you might also be really jealous of another individual.... cuz what are you gonna do if all this IS all benign? So figure yourself out too, while ur at it. Good luck! Thank you for the feedback. I don't want to cause any waves with them. I just don't think I would have or want a friend like him. Maybe that is why I am so suspicious. And we have never meet his wife which is a red flag. I do think he likes having a young woman's company. I'm sure it makes him feel good about himself. It creeps me out more and more as time goes by. I just feel left out in the middle of it all. Edited January 16, 2020 by penguins1010 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted January 17, 2020 Share Posted January 17, 2020 Unless you have a history of being paranoid or jealous, I would pay attention to my gut feelings. If you feel something is off, then it probably is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author penguins1010 Posted January 20, 2020 Author Share Posted January 20, 2020 On 1/17/2020 at 4:01 PM, Finding my way said: Unless you have a history of being paranoid or jealous, I would pay attention to my gut feelings. If you feel something is off, then it probably is. That's how I feel. It's just so strange to me. I also don't think it would be okay with her if I had a friend like him. Even though I am included in lunches and things, him and I never talk outside of that. No chit chat or friendly texts between us at all. I hope this doesn't come out wrong, but he isn't very attractive. I feel like he takes whatever he can get from her. He is very pushy about stopping by with food or what not. Then plays it off as mister nice guy but I don't feel that it is genuine at all. Link to post Share on other sites
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