emmab219 Posted January 7, 2020 Posted January 7, 2020 So I matched with this guy on an app probably about a week and a half ago. We hit it off pretty much right away, and have had really great conversations via text. We have a lot of shared interests, and definitely have the same sense of humor which is very important to me. He's pretty forward and honest, which he warned me about ahead of time. I appreciate it, but find it somewhat overwhelming. Before we even had our first date, he told me he had a good feeling about me and just based on my personality alone, I seemed like someone he could envision himself really hitting it off with. He dropped a couple other lines like that before our first meeting-- that so far he liked me, he was feeling pretty optimistic about how things would go, etc. I was honestly sort of worried the first date would be a bust because we'd talked so much via text. I was actually surprised, though, when he sat down next to me and we talked for two hours like we'd known each other forever. It was nice. Walked me to my car and later that night texted me something along the lines of if he was younger, he'd be chomping at the bit to ask me to be his ladyfriend already but he had nothing but time now and would make himself be patient. And then he said, just to put it out there, I'm the only girl he's talking to right now. Maybe it's because I am recently divorced after a 7 year relationship, but it made me panic a little. It's been about nine months since the official ending of my marriage, and I've dated quite a bit. I do feel like I'm ready for a relationship eventually, but it feels like a lot to know someone is THAT ready to be official with me after one date. Honestly, it felt like a red flag even though the date itself was pretty great. Or maybe I'm just overly cautious? And cynical? I don't know. I explained that I wanted to see him again but needed to take things very slowly and he was super understanding and said we could take it at whatever pace I wanted. I'm just a bit overwhelmed. I still would like to casually see other people instead of putting all my eggs in one basket. But this guy seems super set that this is going to be something, and he's so sweet but I'm over here freaking out a little. Should I be worried?
Miss Spider Posted January 7, 2020 Posted January 7, 2020 (edited) IMO nothing he said is necessarily red flag. Some people know pretty early on if it’s someone they want to focus on and some people just don’t like to date more than one person at a time. That being said, you don’t have to (and in my opinion shouldn’t) put all your eggs in this basket. He’s wants you to know that and that’s fine. Have fun! Edited January 7, 2020 by Cookiesandough 2
FMW Posted January 8, 2020 Posted January 8, 2020 Just keep communicating clearly with him, tell him when he does or says something that makes you feel uncomfortable. As long as he respects your wishes for things to go slower, I don't see anything overly concerning yet. 1
schlumpy Posted January 8, 2020 Posted January 8, 2020 I understand your caution. In my opinion you should make it clear to him that you will be dating others. It's your call. If you think that he might have some potential you don't want him to find out that you been multi-dating when he's been under impression you were focusing on him. Best to avoid any misunderstandings. 1
kendahke Posted January 8, 2020 Posted January 8, 2020 (edited) On 1/7/2020 at 3:06 PM, emmab219 said: I still would like to casually see other people instead of putting all my eggs in one basket. A good practice is to make that crystal clear before you meet up with men if that's your plan. plenty of men that I run across on dating apps make that crystal clear in their profiles. Edited January 8, 2020 by kendahke 1
Author emmab219 Posted January 16, 2020 Author Posted January 16, 2020 (edited) I made a post maybe a week or two ago but feel like I needed a follow-up...... So I guess I just wanted to tack on more-- I know a lot of people said it's normal to want to focus on one person. I get that completely. However, I don't think it's normal to project your expectations for it to become a relationship on that person after just one or two dates. Just for backstory, met a guy via OLD. Had one date and afterwards told me he was ready for me to be his girlfriend. I nicely told him I wasn't ready for that and needed to go slow. We did have a second date and it went fine. There were a few times I felt really put on the spot. We went to see a movie, mid-film he leans over and just whispers 'I really like you'. It really put me on the spot...after all, it was only mid-way through our second date. That aside, it wasn't until after the date that I started to feel more unsure about it all. Since then, he's not shied away from oversharing his feelings with me. Examples I can give are calling me his 'potential future girlfriend', making comments about how he knows this is going to happen between us, that he's ready to commit whenever I am, he can't wait to make it official, and even once saying that when we did finally sleep together it was going to be 'magical'. Not only was it all A LOT, but sort of cringey? And I want to be clear I did call him out and tell him he was being way too forward, and when I said I wanted to take things slow I really meant it. He was apologetic and said he would try to reign himself in, but that he just really feels something about me he hasn't felt in a while. But I feel like the damage has been done. I'm not nearly as attracted to him as I was before, and I honestly am sort of dreading another date. I don't know what his rush is to slap a label on this and make it official so quickly. Apparently in all his past relationships, they jumped right in and got to know each other over the course of the relationship. I am not that way. I'm just wondering if anyone else has any insight? Or if you've been in this situation, on either side. He mentioned he was worried about scaring me off, and I think he did. I would've been fine just spending time together and letting things happen naturally, but he put a lot of pressure on me and it made me lose interest fast. Do you think I should try one more date and see how it goes, or cut him loose now? Edited January 17, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Merge update
2BGoodAgain Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 (edited) When you know, you know.... and you know, you don't want him. Look, just b/c he isn't a serial killer, doesn't mean he's the one for you... plus, be wary of folk who fall fast for you... they more often than not, fall fast out... b/c what do they know about you, honestly? other than what you look like or a few superficial things? i mean, it's perfectly find to be attracted to someone b/c of their looks or something very superficial, but you have to ask yourself, what is YOUR criteria for a bf/gf relationship... if you think it's much more deeper than this guy, than you probably already know the answer to whether or not you wanna be his gf or not. Edited January 17, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
smackie9 Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 Right away there's an imbalance because of incompatibility on expectations. Find someone else that goes at your pace.
Author emmab219 Posted January 16, 2020 Author Posted January 16, 2020 1 hour ago, smackie9 said: Right away there's an imbalance because of incompatibility on expectations. Find someone else that goes at your pace. I think you hit the nail on the head here. It totally is an imbalance of incompatibility on expectations. He did scale it back after I told him I needed to go slow and said he was patient and would wait, but I think it's pretty clear we're not going to work considering we're not at all moving at the same pace. Thanks for this, I appreciate it! 1
Author emmab219 Posted January 16, 2020 Author Posted January 16, 2020 1 hour ago, 2BGoodAgain said: When you know, you know.... and you know, you don't want him. Look, just b/c he isn't a serial killer, doesn't mean he's the one for you... plus, be wary of folk who fall fast for you... they more often than not, fall fast out... b/c what do they know about you, honestly? other than what you look like or a few superficial things? i mean, it's perfectly find to be attracted to someone b/c of their looks or something very superficial, but you have to ask yourself, what is YOUR criteria for a bf/gf relationship... if you think it's much more deeper than this guy, than you probably already know the answer to whether or not you wanna be his gf or not. Very true, I feel he knows so little about or my life at this point. Just some superficial things that you normally share with someone after two dates. I think that's why it shook me a little, because we are still virtually strangers to each other and he's ready to jump right in. Thank you! 2
kendahke Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 1 hour ago, emmab219 said: There were a few times I felt really put on the spot. We went to see a movie, mid-film he leans over and just whispers 'I really like you'. It really put me on the spot...after all, it was only mid-way through our second date. That aside, it wasn't until after the date that I started to feel more unsure about it all. Since then, he's not shied away from oversharing his feelings with me. Examples I can give are calling me his 'potential future girlfriend', making comments about how he knows this is going to happen between us, that he's ready to commit whenever I am, he can't wait to make it official, and even once saying that when we did finally sleep together it was going to be 'magical'. Not only was it all A LOT, but sort of cringey? And I want to be clear I did call him out and tell him he was being way too forward, and when I said I wanted to take things slow I really meant it. Did all of this happen in one conversation between you two or over the course of a number of dates/conversations? If this has been going on for a number of encounters, you continuing to see him is what's giving him the impression that this is OK. If you want this to stop, you need to stop seeing him.
rjc149 Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 (edited) He's demonstrating needy and insecure behavior. Basically, because he's scared that he doesn't have other options, he's trying to lock you down into commitment ASAP and possess you. This is rooted in a lack of confidence and emotional self-control. That's why it's turning you off. It's weakness. 2 hours ago, emmab219 said: Examples I can give are calling me his 'potential future girlfriend', making comments about how he knows this is going to happen between us, that he's ready to commit whenever I am, he can't wait to make it official, and even once saying that when we did finally sleep together it was going to be 'magical'. Not only was it all A LOT, but sort of cringey? It's absolutely cringey. "When we finally sleep together, it's going to be magical!" You alarm bells are going off because they should be going off. This guy is going to be a controlling, manipulative stage-5 clinger. The kind of guy who will send you 100 texts a day, call your friends, and stalk you if you ever make the mistake of being this guy's ex girlfriend. "Listen, I don't think we're on the same page and we want different things. I think you're nice but I just don't feel a spark so I'm going to respectfully pass on another date. I wish you the best of luck." Edited January 16, 2020 by rjc149
Author emmab219 Posted January 16, 2020 Author Posted January 16, 2020 15 minutes ago, rjc149 said: He's demonstrating needy and insecure behavior. Basically, because he's scared that he doesn't have other options, he's trying to lock you down into commitment ASAP and possess you. This is rooted in a lack of confidence and emotional self-control. That's why it's turning you off. It's weakness. It's absolutely cringey. "When we finally sleep together, it's going to be magical!" You alarm bells are going off because they should be going off. This guy is going to be a controlling, manipulative stage-5 clinger. The kind of guy who will send you 100 texts a day, call your friends, and stalk you if you ever make the mistake of being this guy's ex girlfriend. "Listen, I don't think we're on the same page and we want different things. I think you're nice but I just don't feel a spark so I'm going to respectfully pass on another date. I wish you the best of luck." I didn't want to sound like an ass, but yes it feels totally like needy and insecure behavior. Which is a huge turn-off. I didn't see any of this until literally right before our first date. I started to have doubts when he texted me he would just wait for me outside because he wasn't comfortable sitting at a bar alone. And this is a grown ass man in his late twenties. The lack of confidence was really unattractive. It just spiraled after that. I really do not want to end up with a stage 5 clinger boyfriend if I can help it. Thanks for the suggestion on what to say, it sounds perfect!
Miss Spider Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 Some people are just desperate like this. I agree, he is too much. I don’t think this is a match.
stillafool Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 On 1/7/2020 at 3:06 PM, emmab219 said: Should I be worried? Worried about what? Either you want a relationship of you don't. He can't force you to enter one. It's up to you.
Lotsgoingon Posted January 17, 2020 Posted January 17, 2020 Yes, I see some red flags here. Absolutely. RF #1. Him telling you he's only seeing you ... How does he know he won't meet someone tomorrow that he'll want to meet for coffee? ... He can he possibly know he wants to date you ... No offense but how does he know you're worth dating? ... (He doesn't!) Something doesn't feel right. Sounds he wanted you to reply, "Well I'm only dating you too." RF#2 Him getting excited about you just from online communication? ... red flag. OK, this is borderline as yes, we can be optimistic and excited to meet someone, but that's what you ... be excited to MEET the person. Dating--no, any sharp person knows not to get excited about dating before meeting someone. And ... if we get too excited, most sharp people will know NOT to say that (that we are really wanting to date the person) before we meet. So actually two red flags here. RF#4. His talk of being patient? ... What?! ... makes no sense. He couldn't rule you out at this point as a serial killer or chronic gambler or someone who has been married 6 times ... He knows NOTHING about you ... but the surface at this point. Now ... yes, we develop strong feelings for people before we deeply know them ... but mature people know and act with the reality that positive feelings and a positive deep relationship are totally different achievements. There is nothing to be patient about. Getting to know someone is sometimes the most exciting, fun, thrilling part of dating. He's skipping past that ... to be "patient"? Uh-uh. Makes no sense. Something ain't right. He sounds isolated, lonely, socially inept ... possessive ... So yes, I see multiple red flags--and they add up. Now, I'd probably go out with him again and draw a line. But ... as soon as I say that ... Whenever I've had to draw a line (let's go slow--which is your euphemism) this early on ... there is a problem. He's awkward at the start ... awkward and possessive at the start. One boundary-setting conversation ain't gonna get him on the right track. And no, you do NOT need to tell him that you are dating others. Any mature dater knows that until a couple commits. I don't hear stalker ... I don't hear control freak ... But I hear in your story socially inept person (him--not you) ... who is too quick to commit, naive about relationships ... not understanding that relationships take time and their own time and who is falling way too hard way too soon.
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted January 17, 2020 Posted January 17, 2020 Either sit him down and explain that you are recently divorced and need sometime or ghost him, anything else is going to probably be a bridge burner by the sounds of things.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 17, 2020 Posted January 17, 2020 Anyone who wants to dive in right away would be a hard pass for me. It would tell me we are very incompatible on a number of levels, and you're surely only seeing the tip of the iceberg with this guy. I would personally not continue seeing him. Too many red flags already and he's virtually still a stranger.
schlumpy Posted January 17, 2020 Posted January 17, 2020 You certainly have a right to your opinions on who you want to date. I would never try to change your mind but why is it that you need to disparage this man by claiming that he is clingy, insecure, etc.... when you barely know him? I agree that with your attitude, he is not a match but why the trash talk? Just move on and let him be. If you think he needs a wake up call then send him an email with your post in it. That will change his mind about wanting to know you.
Author emmab219 Posted January 17, 2020 Author Posted January 17, 2020 13 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: Yes, I see some red flags here. Absolutely. RF #1. Him telling you he's only seeing you ... How does he know he won't meet someone tomorrow that he'll want to meet for coffee? ... He can he possibly know he wants to date you ... No offense but how does he know you're worth dating? ... (He doesn't!) Something doesn't feel right. Sounds he wanted you to reply, "Well I'm only dating you too." RF#2 Him getting excited about you just from online communication? ... red flag. OK, this is borderline as yes, we can be optimistic and excited to meet someone, but that's what you ... be excited to MEET the person. Dating--no, any sharp person knows not to get excited about dating before meeting someone. And ... if we get too excited, most sharp people will know NOT to say that (that we are really wanting to date the person) before we meet. So actually two red flags here. RF#4. His talk of being patient? ... What?! ... makes no sense. He couldn't rule you out at this point as a serial killer or chronic gambler or someone who has been married 6 times ... He knows NOTHING about you ... but the surface at this point. Now ... yes, we develop strong feelings for people before we deeply know them ... but mature people know and act with the reality that positive feelings and a positive deep relationship are totally different achievements. There is nothing to be patient about. Getting to know someone is sometimes the most exciting, fun, thrilling part of dating. He's skipping past that ... to be "patient"? Uh-uh. Makes no sense. Something ain't right. He sounds isolated, lonely, socially inept ... possessive ... So yes, I see multiple red flags--and they add up. Now, I'd probably go out with him again and draw a line. But ... as soon as I say that ... Whenever I've had to draw a line (let's go slow--which is your euphemism) this early on ... there is a problem. He's awkward at the start ... awkward and possessive at the start. One boundary-setting conversation ain't gonna get him on the right track. And no, you do NOT need to tell him that you are dating others. Any mature dater knows that until a couple commits. I don't hear stalker ... I don't hear control freak ... But I hear in your story socially inept person (him--not you) ... who is too quick to commit, naive about relationships ... not understanding that relationships take time and their own time and who is falling way too hard way too soon. You basically voiced every concern that I have. My problem is that we barely know each other. We are virtually strangers at this point still, so it makes me wary to hear that he already feels so strongly about me just from some text conversations and two dates. Like you said, dating to me is a slow process and part of the excitement is slowly getting to know someone. I feel that dates are for exactly that-- sussing out whether or not you are the right fit for each other before deciding to make things a little more serious or exclusive and head on the path towards a relationship. So the fact that he basically said he wants to skip all that, get right into a relationship and get to know each other along the way, makes no sense. There could be a million things about me that might be dealbreakers for him that he has yet to discover. I also don't hear stalker or control freak. Just maybe someone who doesn't have a lot relationship experience.
Author emmab219 Posted January 17, 2020 Author Posted January 17, 2020 6 hours ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said: Either sit him down and explain that you are recently divorced and need sometime or ghost him, anything else is going to probably be a bridge burner by the sounds of things. He knows that already. I made sure to be very clear about that even before we met, just in case it was a dealbreaker. I've told him before that while I feel I'm ready to date and would like to eventually get into a relationship again, I am in no hurry and need to take my time before jumping into something with a new guy. He has backed off some, but I just feel like the damage is already done. He's a really sweet man, but I don't think we are on the same page and have the same relationship ideas so seems like a bust here.
Author emmab219 Posted January 17, 2020 Author Posted January 17, 2020 4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: Anyone who wants to dive in right away would be a hard pass for me. It would tell me we are very incompatible on a number of levels, and you're surely only seeing the tip of the iceberg with this guy. I would personally not continue seeing him. Too many red flags already and he's virtually still a stranger. I agree, I think compatibility is an issue here and we just aren't on the same page with how a relationship should progress. Also, we barely know each other at this point as you pointed out. I probably will end up calling it off.
Author emmab219 Posted January 17, 2020 Author Posted January 17, 2020 2 hours ago, schlumpy said: You certainly have a right to your opinions on who you want to date. I would never try to change your mind but why is it that you need to disparage this man by claiming that he is clingy, insecure, etc.... when you barely know him? I agree that with your attitude, he is not a match but why the trash talk? Just move on and let him be. If you think he needs a wake up call then send him an email with your post in it. That will change his mind about wanting to know you. I'm only discerning what I'm seeing from his behavior, and from the other replies it seems I'm not the only one who takes his behavior as someone who is either needy, insecure, or has a lot of relationship inexperience. Part of the problem is exactly what you said-- I barely know him. And he barely knows me. So to make all these grand claims about how he 'knows' something is going to happen between us, that he hasn't felt this way about someone in a long time, etc etc is a little alarming. He only knows me on a surface level and there might be a hundred little things about me that might end up being a dealbreaker. I just don't understand what's wrong with casually seeing each other, going on dates, seeing if we are compatibility, before jumping right to 'I'm ready to be your boyfriend now'. Does nothing about that seem a little off? After one date and two weeks of knowing one another? I don't think this is trash talk. I've already said I'm not trying to be an a**h***, but his behavior is making me a little bit uncomfortable. And I sought out the advice of others to see if anything jumped out at anyone else and multiple people have said they see red flags and that he might be a little bit insecure when it comes to relationships. I don't see that as disparaging him. He's perfectly nice person, but comes on very strongly and is very forward with his feelings. Which is fine, but not this early on when we are still virtually strangers. I'm sure it would change his mind about wanting to know me, but I've also been pretty honest with him about how his forwardness makes me a little wary and uncomfortable. He himself has backpedaled without prompting and apologized for potentially scaring me off, and has admitted that he knows he's a lot. I really don't see anything wrong with my 'attitude' and really am not sure why this post triggered you the way it did but I'm sorry.
kendahke Posted January 17, 2020 Posted January 17, 2020 OP--would you answer my question please? 18 hours ago, kendahke said: Did all of this happen in one conversation between you two or over the course of a number of dates/conversations? 1
Miss Spider Posted January 17, 2020 Posted January 17, 2020 The prob isn’t that he is really into right away. You will meet people who are. The problem to me is that he is being so overt about it, ignoring your desire to step the pace back a bit. He might think you find it flattering, but not everyone thinks so.
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