Skeered Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 Ok I'm not sure if I'm putting this in the right spot or not, sorry if it's not. Also sorry for the long post... My xh and I have been seperated about a year now, the divorce hasn't been started yet as to other matters we are finishing off first that we started as a couple. For the past year I have called my ex every other weekend to have his daughter. I do this because I know she wants to see him and that was the arrangement we made was every other weekend. However I'm the one that makes the arrangements for pick up and drop off. My ex rarely pays any sort of child support and often tells me the $30 a week he gives me is too much. I think in the year I have been gone I have maybe gotten $200 for my kiddo. Now mind you, I have tried to be very fair with him because in the year he has lost two jobs and is currently unemployed living with his folks. I haven't been pushy about money because nothing has been stated in court, however just out of decency as a parent he should understand that a child can't be supported with no money. But my daughter is just fine as I work my butt off to provide her with her home, food, clothes, medical etc. But with that being said I have maintained the balance with us because I'm tired of fighting with him, but now I'm tired of hearing how all he does is do everything to keep his daughter happy, that he would do anything for her and that she is his world, this man NEVER calls his daughter but expects her to call him, he doesn't even know where she goes to school, never asks anything about her routine or life. When it's his weekends I have called him to make the plans, for a long time I was dropping her off and picking her up which I had to drive an hour there and an hour home. So now I have decided that I am not going to help him out anymore. If he wants to have his daughter than he needs to call and make the arrangements with me otherwise I am not going to call and beg him to take her. Am I wrong in doing this? I am not trying to hurt my daughter in anyway but when she comes home after being with him he has gotten her all torn up inside by saying how much he loves me and would love to have his family back but that I don't love him and I have replaced him with my BF and that I didn't try and that's why we are seperated...it just tears my daughter up, then I take a couple days to get her back on track and then she's back to her happy self. She nevers asks about him or wants to call him unless he has said something that makes her feel obligated. I know she loves her dad but sometimes I think she pitty's him more. Any suggestions?
Art_Critic Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 The only suggestion I can think of is Divorce.. Your almost dead beat husband needs to reminded of HIS responsibilities as a father... Child support being the biggie It kind of shocked me that you mentioned that you REPLACED him with your BF.. The father of your child is not replacable. Children are little sponges for negative energy and your child is just reacting the pain that has been bestowed on her. Your daughter most likely doesn't ask about him becasue if brings some sort of negative energy response out of you and therefore she just stops asking. You need to get divorced so you and your daughter can move on and heal. If you can't your need to at least get a legal sepertion that spells out his responsibilities for child support..
Art_Critic Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 Oh... an afterthought.. You need to remember that children blame themselves for the divorce and she is acting out because of the situation that she has been put in because of you two.. Some childrens therapy would help her sort out all of her feelings..
Author Skeered Posted October 4, 2005 Author Posted October 4, 2005 Thank you AC...as far as the replacement comment I didn't say that to my kiddo my ex said that to her...I wouldn't say that. As a matter of fact even though I can't stand my ex I don't speak bad of him to her. I try to keep her out of it as she has seen a great deal and I am tryin to turn her little life around for the better. As far as the counseling I totally agree with you, kids do go through a great deal of guilt associated with this..I am a product of a divorced home so I remember all to well how I felt. But my question still remains, am I a sucky mom for not calling and continuing to make arrangements for him to see his daughter, or am I trying to prove something to him which could potentially hurt her?
Art_Critic Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 But my question still remains, am I a sucky mom for not calling and continuing to make arrangements for him to see his daughter, or am I trying to prove something to him which could potentially hurt her? I can only answer it this way.. A sucky Mom no way.. My exwife had the same issue with her ex before me that was the father of my stepdaughter and he was almost deadbeat as well.. Missed all of his school appointments etc.. She almost alway's went the xtra yard for her daughter and at least called him to remind him of his repsonsibilities. I remember when she started to get older ( 8 or 9 ) and her Mom used to let her dads actions speak for themselves and she stopped covering for him.. It did cause a wedge between father and daughter and her Mom got the blame from the daughter.. But she felt it was part of growing upp and her daughter needed to know what her dad was all about.. But not when she was younger..she covered his as* till she was about 8..
quankanne Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 no, you're not a bad mama for not assuming his responsibilities for your ex. As long as you don't bad-mouthe him in front of your little one and do your best to be unbiased about him with her, she'll see through his BS; trying to manipulate her will just backfire, as he will soon find out for himself because while she may pity him, she's going to grow more resentful of his mindgames. can you asked for supervised visitation or arrange for a drop-off with a third-party present? That way he is forced to meet his responsibility or make arrangements in advance if he's unable to keep her. as for child support, that should be recorded/accounted for through a process set up by your state. I know when my one sister went through her divorce, her ex wanted her to let him pay her directly, but she stuck to her guns and told him to send payments to whatever program that's in place here in Texas, and it would see that she got payment. This makes for better accounting/responsibility, IMHO. You may be understanding of his needs, but your child doesn't have to suffer when he cannot or will not provide for her needs, and the law will make sure of that.
Author Skeered Posted October 4, 2005 Author Posted October 4, 2005 Thank you soo much for your responses...I will try to stick to my guns this friday and not call. I just don't want my daughter dissapointed but I can't keep holding up his end to make her not hurt. He's going to have to man up. As far as the child support unfortunately until I can file for anything I am stuck with nothing, but that is ok right now I am takin things one thing at a time. Like I said before I have a pending situation that we started as a married couple that has yet to close, once that does I can file for divorce but for now I have to sit and be patient, thankfully it's almost over. And my daughter wants for nothing I am able to provide her necessesities right now I just can't do much more than that. But the help will be wonderful and a huge weight off later don't get me wrong. Again thank you.
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