serinna Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 My Fiance and I have been together for 5 1/2 years now. I started dating him while I was still in high school. I am 23 and he is 24. I've known nothing but him my whole life. It was wonderful when we first met. Then he moved in with my me & my family 3 after 3 months. We've been living together ever since. Two weeks after I met him, I went on vacation with my family. When I came back, I found out that he'd slept with his ex while I was gone. I confronted him & her, but they both denied it to my face. I knew that they were lying, but what could I do? So, I stayed with him. About 2 years later, he confessed about sleeping with her. It took me everything to be able to trust him again, but I did eventually. After the confession, things went downhill. He would leave in the evening and stay at his friend's house until late in the night (he's an alcoholic, too). I would find beer cans/bottles hidden in the closets, in his car, etc. It was bad. But, I put up with it. There would be times he wouldn't come home, and I would drive around looking for him at all hours of the night. One time I found him at his brother's house. I knocked on the door, and I could see in - he was hiding under the stairs in the basement. I kicked in the door & he was acting strange. I found a girl hiding in the bathroom upstairs. They both claimed that they never did anything & that she was there for his brother - not him. That they didn't even know each other. Funny thing is, his brother wasn't even there at the time! So, he's done some pretty shady things to me in the past to say the least. Just last March I found out I was pregnant. I mis-carried at 12 weeks. We were devistated. I had to get a D&C (which he didn't even go to) and 3 days later he came home from work all upset. I had dinner ready, thinking everything was okay. He then told me that he didn't love me anymore and that he was leaving. After he proposed to me 2 weeks before that. So, he left me with the apartment lease, and all the bills, etc. and a house that we had bought together. I ended up going to Florida with my family to get away 3 days later. While I was there, I found out he was having sex with some 18 year old in my apartment. In my bed. I thought my world had ended. We ended up not talking for about 2 months, and then we got back together after that. I did my dirt, too when we were broken up, but just to get back at him. So, we worked everything out. I still can't believe that I took him back after that! And he did change for a bit. He was the sweetest guy. Then everything changed. He started going on drinking binges every weekend. Leaving on Friday and not coming home until Tuesdays. Calling off work, etc. And if I did see him out driving around, he would run from me. We then lived with my family during all of this trying to save money for a house (I backed out of the other deal from before). So, my mom got sick & tired of his sh*t, so she kicked him out. It's been almost 2 months since he's been out, but we still talk & see each other on a regular basis. My question is this: I do not know what to do. I want to leave him so bad, but another part of me says no - don't do it. I have loved this man my whole life. I know nothing else besides him. He is VERY immature and relies on me for everything. I am like his mother and am so sick of it. If it weren't for me, he wouldn't have his job or anything. I do it all. He says that he loves me more than anything, but yet he won't stop drinking for me. I truly believe that he loves me. I really do. I think that I am just so sick of his sh*t anymore that there is nothing left between us. I have tried to break up with him the past 2 weekends now, and he just cries and cries and says "What about our future plans together?" He asked me to marry him again last X-Mas, but has not made an effort to go through with it. He does not get paid a lot of money, and I am always the one fronting all the bills, etc. I even had to file bankruptcy b/c of all the debts he caused me when he left. He drags me down. I am graduating shortly with a degree, and have a great job. I do not see me going any farther with him in my life. It's been this long, and look where I'm at - at my parent's house. I feel awful to say these things, but it's so true. I do not have the heart to tell him it's over. I try, and then I am calling him hours later saying that I want to be with him. I don't know why I do these things. I think I am staying b/c I feel so bad for him. He has no one besides me and nothing else to make him happy in life. He's even threatened to off himself - I believe he is bipolar. He is certainly depressed. He needs help. He won't get any, though. No AA, no counseling - nothing. I have to fight with him to go places with me, or to take the dog on a walk. He gets so mad. I want a guy who will treat me the way I treat him. Someone who knows how to treat a lady. I am going on a date with the sweetest guy Friday. I feel awful, though b/c I am doing it behind my fiance's back. What should I do?! I do want to leavem but then again I think that somehow he will change once we live on our own again. He is being so sweet now, but will that last when we are living together again?!
sleeplessincnd Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 This guy is immature and selfish and obviously doesn't give you what you want from a relationship. I know that it is hard to think about the rest of your life without the only man you have ever known - so don't! Take it one day at a time. Cut all contact with him and every morning get up and say "Not today - just for today I am not going to contact him and deal with his stuff I deserve better" and every day you get up and do that it will get easier. Eventually you will get over him and learn a lot from all the things you have been through. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason and this was to teach you a lot about yourself and what you want from a relationship. Don't settle for anything less just b/c it is comfortable. There are TONNES of men out there who will love you and respect you and not treat you this badly. Let him go and don't look back - just do it a day at a time and I promise it will get better! And you will find love again!
Author serinna Posted October 4, 2005 Author Posted October 4, 2005 Thank you for the advice! I never looked at it that way. Just take one day at a time. That is all I think about: the future. Espescially his. I am more worried about him than myself. I know that I can get over it. I am numb to everything already b/c I've put up with so much. I need to quit worrying about him and worry about myself. I seriously can NOT stop thinking about him if I leave, like: what is he going to do? where is he going to go? is he going to hurt himself? blah blah blah. I don't know why, either. If I knew that he had someone to be there for him, maybe even another woman, then this would be a LOT easier for me!
Scott S Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 I seriously can NOT stop thinking about him if I leave, like: what is he going to do? where is he going to go? is he going to hurt himself? blah blah blah. I don't know why, either. If I knew that he had someone to be there for him, maybe even another woman, then this would be a LOT easier for me! Right now, you need to take care of YOURSELF. It appears he is quite capable of taking care of himself, & would have little or no trouble finding someone to be there for him.
Author serinna Posted October 6, 2005 Author Posted October 6, 2005 I finally got the guts and broke up with him on Tuesday. I feel better. But, I still worry about my future. I think I am just scared to be alone. That's all. Then I think: Did I do the right thing? I am having so much fun with my friends and family (which he HATED that I did - he got mad everytime I wanted to do something that didn't involve him b/c we didn't spend enough time together) right now. He said that's going to get old, and then I will realize what I've done, and that I will want him back. I am starting to think: is this true?!
JosiePosie Posted October 6, 2005 Posted October 6, 2005 You did the right thing. He had you by the tail and you took it back. In your gut you know it was the right thing for YOU. He will probably be the one crawling back begging for a reconciliation. Sometimes we have to be dragged through the dirt before we find out what we are about. I am proud of you, keep it up.
Scott S Posted October 6, 2005 Posted October 6, 2005 I finally got the guts and broke up with him on Tuesday. I feel better. But, I still worry about my future. I think I am just scared to be alone. That's all. Then I think: Did I do the right thing? I am having so much fun with my friends and family (which he HATED that I did - he got mad everytime I wanted to do something that didn't involve him b/c we didn't spend enough time together) right now. He said that's going to get old, and then I will realize what I've done, and that I will want him back. I am starting to think: is this true?! You've just been through a significant life change. Doubts & second-guessing are normal reactions. You don't have to be alone if you choose not to. You say you have family & friends. Now would be an opportune time to re-connect with them. As for your future, you are still quite young. Likely you will be in a number of relationships before finding your soul-mate. This may be part of your problem. You were with him since high school, & haven't had the chance to really know different people. Don't let yourself be discouraged. You did what was right for you, & you'll be a better person for it. _____________________________________ What if the stopped throwing rice at weddings, and started throwing potatoes instead?
Author serinna Posted October 6, 2005 Author Posted October 6, 2005 Thanks to everyone for their support! It's helping me tremendously. He did call me earlier today. It just made things a lot harder for the both of us. He really wants to get back together. I just told him that I am doing this for me. That I really need to focus on myself right now because I never had the opportunity to do so when I was with him. I fell so awful, and I want to break down & cry, but I am trying to be strong. It's very hard, though. I just feel so bad I think it would be easier just to take him back & stay together. Then I do not think I would be happy, though. I don't know. This is so confusing!
Scott S Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 So today is another day. How are you doing? A little better?
megabit15 Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 I He said that's going to get old, and then I will realize what I've done, and that I will want him back. I am starting to think: is this true?! Um...I don't think so....I think (or hope) that when you look back you will say "Thank god THAT's over with!" and "It's so nice to be with a mature and responsible adult". Hope your date went well
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