elaine567 Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 3 minutes ago, nospam99 said: I have a question about your remark 'You sleep with them or usually something more sinister'. Being fairly naive in some ways, the only things I can quickly think of that are more sinister are rape, kidnapping into sexual slavery, or murder. Its often not so dramatic as rape, kidnapping into sexual slavery, or murder. but lovebombing does often lead to some form of emotional or physical abuse. Good straightforward stable guys do not love bomb. 5 1
nospam99 Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 @elaine. However, from 'topics' right here on LS, I get the sense that 'bad' straightforward stable guys DO love bomb in order to get laid. And that they are often successful. Amiright? Nothing like achieving a goal to reinforce a behavior. 1
preraph Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 He's getting ahead of himself and that would probably make me cancel. it doesn't sound like he has any foundation on which to get that familiar with you. It's like now he thinks you're his instant girlfriend. if your instincts are making you uncomfortable on this I would listen to them and act accordingly. 2 1
elaine567 Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 9 minutes ago, nospam99 said: @elaine. However, from 'topics' right here on LS, I get the sense that 'bad' straightforward stable guys DO love bomb in order to get laid. And that they are often successful. Amiright? Nothing like achieving a goal to reinforce a behavior. I didn't say it doesn't happen nor that it is an unsuccessful strategy, only that it is a red flag that women need to take notice of. 1 1
ExpatInItaly Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 2 hours ago, nospam99 said: I mean, yeah, this guy is lovebombing. But is what he's done more over the top than lots of other guys? In my experience? Yes. Yes, it is. 1 1
alphamale Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 17 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: In my experience? Yes. Yes, it is. indeed EII 1
fishlips Posted January 27, 2020 Posted January 27, 2020 On 1/26/2020 at 1:24 AM, Cookiesandough said: Is this love bombing? I’m just so confused why someone would act like this. He is almost 40. He’s in the medical profession so he does not do drugs to my knowledge. Is this attractive to some women? A technique. Or is he just crazy? Feeling like I can’t catch a break. Calling women who have experienced this before... Ugh. I don't know what love bombing is, but I seemed to attract tons of guys like this when I was in college. I always ended up avoiding them because they gave me the creeps. No, I don't think they were dangerous (they actually seemed like decent guys), but they were seriously annoying. Actually, I ended up having to see them in other classes or elsewhere, so I can confirm they weren't psychos, but it was still awkward. Agreeing to a date with a guy doesn't mean he should start acting like he's your boyfriend. I do think it's weird for someone almost 40 to act like that. All the guys I encountered were in their 20s when I was in school. If you don't want to date him, then make that clear to him. A simple "this isn't going to work for me" should do the trick. Just don't give him ANY indication that he might have a chance with you. 1
Andy_K Posted January 27, 2020 Posted January 27, 2020 On 1/26/2020 at 2:03 PM, nospam99 said: @cookies. I have a question about your remark 'You sleep with them or usually something more sinister'. Being fairly naive in some ways, the only things I can quickly think of that are more sinister are rape, kidnapping into sexual slavery, or murder. Is that something women really worry about when dealing with men in their social circle? I mean, yeah, this guy is lovebombing. But is what he's done more over the top than lots of other guys? I'm just asking because to me, again with whatever my level of naivete is, he just sounds like any other guy who's playing all the cards he thinks he needs to play to get laid. Seems I've seen MANY topics here on LS where women complain about exactly that: that some guy said all sorts of wonderful things to them just to have sex. Controlling and/or emotionally abusive... these things can be far, far worse than just using someone for sex. Someone abused/controlled often ends up with their entire life messed up, too damaged for normal relationships or stuck in the same cycle over and over again because what they 'recognise' as love really isn't. Right here, this guy does't love Cookies, but he might well love the idea of what she can add to his life. It's an entirely self-centered affection. They say like attracts like, and really that makes sense because emotionally stable and well-balanced women won't fall for love bombing, and therefore won't end up with codependent unbalanced guys. Likewise the vulnerable and the damaged just don't recognise vulnerable or damaged when they meet it in potential dates, and both sides get drawn into an unrealistic fantasy that ends with one or both sides being hurt. Badly. Cookies.. if you're repeatedly attracting guys like this into your life, or going on more dates with guys like these than more emotionally mature and well adjusted ones, you need to take a REALLY hard look at yourself in the mirror and figure out why you're doing it. 1
Author Miss Spider Posted January 27, 2020 Author Posted January 27, 2020 (edited) 29 minutes ago, Andy_K said: Controlling and/or emotionally abusive... these things can be far, far worse than just using someone for sex. Someone abused/controlled often ends up with their entire life messed up, too damaged for normal relationships or stuck in the same cycle over and over again because what they 'recognise' as love really isn't. Right here, this guy does't love Cookies, but he might well love the idea of what she can add to his life. It's an entirely self-centered affection. They say like attracts like, and really that makes sense because emotionally stable and well-balanced women won't fall for love bombing, and therefore won't end up with codependent unbalanced guys. Likewise the vulnerable and the damaged just don't recognise vulnerable or damaged when they meet it in potential dates, and both sides get drawn into an unrealistic fantasy that ends with one or both sides being hurt. Badly. Cookies.. if you're repeatedly attracting guys like this into your life, or going on more dates with guys like these than more emotionally mature and well adjusted ones, you need to take a REALLY hard look at yourself in the mirror and figure out why you're doing it. I don’t know why I attract people like this lately. I have looked at myself. I’m starting to feel kind of down about it. I realize now I am sort a commitment-phobe but I haven’t found someone I’m that emotionally connected with at all. The only thing I can think of is that on my dates I try to be what I believe the person wants and I kind of do my own version of love bombing in that I butter them up to an extent. I guess it’s ‘putting your best foot forward’ on a date, but mine may be excessiveZ. Man, I wish you could share text screenshots on here: I guess I wasn’t completely innocent in my texts. I’ll copy and paste a little bit: Him: And if you let me. I’m going to be so good to you. And keep you forever and ever and ever Me: Him:You should just let me be good to you. Make you happy Me: I’d love that Him: Promise? Me: Totally Him: I think we’d make an amazing couple Me: Just wanna be good to you too! So you see there instead of telling them go back off, I unintentionally encouraged it. I do this a lot, on my dates, I just try to be agreeable and hate confrontation of any kind. But yea this is worse than anything I’ve experienced After just one date. I had never been love bombed before. I blocked this guy because he would literally text all the time with no response from me. I can unblock him and pick right back up without having to listen to all that. I am still thinking about going out with him at a show he is playing downtown this week. I just want to have fun. There is one guy I’m talking to now. He seems level headed. We haven’t had our first date yet, but he gets here next Sunday. I’m just hoping I don’t mess this up. Feeling down. Edited January 27, 2020 by Cookiesandough
Andy_K Posted January 27, 2020 Posted January 27, 2020 (edited) 32 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: I don’t know why I attract people like this lately. I have looked at myself. I’m starting to feel kind of down about it. I realize now I am sort a commitment-phobe but I haven’t found someone I’m that emotionally connected with at all. You're not going to get an emotional connection with someone who's not on your wavelength, but you keep trying anyway. You're not short of dates, so if you don't get any inkling that someone thinks the way you do or understands how you feel on date #1, then why continue? And... you can't expect someone to understand and connect with you if you keep pretending to feel what you don't or be who you aren't. Less focus on putting your best self forward, more on your most accurate self. That's who the right person wants to meet. Good luck on Sunday! And even when things don't go according to plan... when you meet someone who's not right for you, it's best to find out straight away rather than waste weeks of dating and all your mental energy on them. Edited January 27, 2020 by Andy_K 1 1
Zinging Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 (edited) On 1/26/2020 at 9:24 AM, Cookiesandough said: Disclaimer: Because of lack of personal experience, I don't post much on any dating subs, only the 'marriage' ones. That said, I read about relationships. A lot. For years. It's my primary hobby, since it helps with understanding people, personalities and lifestyles - an essential to my career as a fiction writer. Which was why I thought it'd be a disservice not to let you know what I sense this is about - The following words in his message stood out. 40 year old. Successful doc. “I want to help you w school... help you achieve your dreams... experience everything with you. The way I felt when I was with you. It’s unexplainable. Don’t be scared by this... but I feel like I’ve been looking for you for ever and ever. And if you let me. I’m going to be so good to you. And keep you forever and ever and ever. I think we could be a pretty amazing couple." He is sugar-daddying you. Like a mentor. Not in a very overt sense, i.e. this is neither superficially transactional, nor in any way clandestine like the gilded rich 60 year old MMs supporting their 19 year old college sugar babies on the side. Yet, in a subtle sense, this is what the 'supporting you through school, while we both get to experience/enjoy life and the world around, with me as the richer experienced dude and you as my younger beautiful girlfriend' lifestyle is largely about. I am not going to insinuate that it is all a facade. He could genuine be crushing on you, and have never found a connection in the past 6 years. That said, a lot about what this relationship is, comes across as 'sugaring', where he wants to be a provider and nurture you, while he gets to enjoy your companionship - which he hopes will evolve into a full-time relationship. Now, he could turn out to be a smothering/controlling man, which could eventually spiral into emotional abuse. Only time (and maybe, his exes) would be able to answer that question. If you have a very good head on your shoulders, if you are attracted to him, and like this dynamic (where the slightly-older successful provider bf takes pleasure in spoiling his bombshell gf) you could test the waters - hoping his age and experience imply you get a matured gentleman for a bf, rather than someone who's a controlling egotist. If not, please send him a message that this might not be what you're looking for. If in doubt, read about experience daddies and sugar relationships - you'll get a better idea of how similar these two dynamics are. Edited January 28, 2020 by Zinging 1
Zinging Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 14 hours ago, Cookiesandough said: I don’t know why I attract people like this lately. I have looked at myself. I’m starting to feel kind of down about it. I realize now I am sort a commitment-phobe but I haven’t found someone I’m that emotionally connected with at all. It is the very fact that you're emotionally unavailable that you're attracting men who want to make themselves available (and sometimes overcompensate it by love-bombing) to see if you'll be a good fit. Hence the adage, 'I found him/her when I was not looking'. I'm certain even you must have found yourself intrigued by the kind of man who held himself back - at least, slightly more than those who were full on. Our minds and emotions are curious kittens, always waiting to unravel the next puzzle. And as long as you are holding yourself back, as long as there seem to be a few pieces of puzzle hiding, men will be drawn to you to try and paw away to see what those pieces of puzzle beneath the surface are. 1
fishlips Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 18 hours ago, Cookiesandough said: So you see there instead of telling them go back off, I unintentionally encouraged it. I do this a lot, on my dates, I just try to be agreeable and hate confrontation of any kind. Yes, if you don't tell him that you're not interested, then he is going to keep on bothering you. Don't worry about hurting his feelings. If you don't want to date him, then tell him once (kindly but firmly) that you are not interested. Then block him and don't respond to further texts. I thought he sounded fun and interesting until you posted his cringey texts. I don't blame you for cooling off, but you need to stick to your guns and don't encourage him unless you want to date him. 1
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