Second date out of town

January 16, 2020

2 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

could have done dinner ... but what is the fun in that ? I mean a spontaneous road trip sounded like it could be really fun to me and many people here agree it sounds fun. Also wouldn’t you get to know a lot more about the person in a shorter period of time? Dinner is kind of blah

Yep, you sure will get to know a lot more about the person on a road trip. But unlike dinner, there's no escape if you find you really don't like him.

January 17, 2020

1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said:

So what do you suggest, normal, I just not date at all? Just be lonely all the time?

There's a big spectrum of ways you can date between "not date at all" and "go on a 3 day overnight trip with a guy I went out with once who's now texting me uncomfortably intimate stuff."

The easiest solution would just be to see him enough in a comfortable capacity, at a pace that you set, so that any uncertainty you have no longer exists. Do the things you're comfortable with, and don't do the things you aren't comfortable with until you feel you are. That's typically what people do. You could go out to dinner, get drinks, make dinner yourselves, go to the park, go to the movies, bowling, etc -- whatever it takes to build comfort and rapport for you until you're ready for the next step. I wouldn't want to be stuck for 3 days with someone I went out with once. There could be a million things I don't know/like about them that I might not find out until it's too late, and I would assume the same from others. I can't imagine how horrified a girl would look at me if I asked her on an overnight trip after one date.

It's your life and you're free to do as you like. But for someone who's worried that it's going to be awkward, you're diving head first into what could be a pretty awkward situation for the sake of fun and spontaneity. Anyways, it sounds like you're committed, so have a nice time. Hopefully the guy will be cool and we're all overthinking things.

January 17, 2020

10 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

He offered drive back but said it would be a lot

He said he was dreading driving alone ?

So he's not 100% willing to drive you back?

This is soooo not a good idea cookies.

Nothing about this sounds right.

Sounds like he just wants to sleep with you but don't really care what you do after that.

January 17, 2020

@JTSW he 100% willing it’s just a lot. He offered 2 options. He can’t be a total *** even if he wanted. We share friends

But I wouldnt go if we would drive back the same night, that is too much especially after a party going into the AM

Edited January 17, 2020 by Cookiesandough

January 17, 2020

Thank you but Also @introverted1 re: tell him there will be no sex? How do I even do that? Isn’t that a bit presumptuous when he hasn’t even said he wants to have sex with me. Just thinking if I were a guy and a girl told me “yeah I’ll hang out oh btw I won’t have sex with you” I’d probably be extremely put off. Unless there’s a better way to couch that.

I mean I’ve always been a pretty ‘whatever happens, happens’ person in regards to that anyway, I’m not saying it’s 100% ruled out. Just like 99%.. because I don’t have sex with virtual strangers

Edited January 17, 2020 by Cookiesandough

January 17, 2020

Just now, Cookiesandough said:

Thank you but Also @introverted1 re: tell him there will be no sex? How do I even do that? Isn’t that a bit presumptuous when he hasn’t even said he wants to have sex with me. Just thinking if I were a guy and a girl told me “yeah I’ll hang out oh btw I won’t have sex with you” I’d probably be extremely put off. Unless there’s a better way to couch that.

I mean I’ve always been a pretty ‘whatever happens, happens’ person in regards to that anyway, I’m not saying it’s 100% ruled out. Just like 99%.. because I don’t have sex with virtual strangers

Just now, Cookiesandough said:

tell him there will be no sex? How do I even do that?

You don't have to tell him that. Just tell him you will book your own room.

That will put the message across loud and clear.

January 17, 2020

54 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

o @introverted1 re: tell him there will be no sex? told me “yeah I’ll hang out oh btw I won’t have sex with you” I’d probably be extremely put off. Unless there’s a better way to couch that.

I mean I’ve always been a pretty ‘whatever happens, happens’ person in regards to that anyway, I’m not saying it’s 100% ruled out. Just like 99%.. because I don’t have sex with virtual strangers

I cant believe an intelligent woman wouldn't know this.. You don't have to be that specific and say "No sex"....You can do it in a semi joking way...."hey, OK., lets do this, sounds like fun, but don't try to get cute on me, I;m a blackbelt and ill kick your ass..."... or something like that...Women do this stuff all the time to guys so both parties know where they stand...Everyone knows in these situation the woman is the gate keeper...By establishing a line, then everyone knows up front what the deal is...I guess some women don't like to do this for fear of running the guy off, but that's not a good plan...Because the guy assumes then that its on the table...And may lead to a problem or put you in a compromised position...

I don't want to be fatherly, I already have a pretty teen daughter, but if she said to me that she is a "whatever happens, happens" person, then I would think that I failed to raise her right...Its good to be free spirited and go with the flow...I get that,,,But you also have to always anticipate things and what can happen if they go wrong and make sound life decisions......That doesn't mean live in a bubble, but know what you are getting yourself into and use sense and judgement....

Its one of the aspects that is somewhat of a relief to be a guy...You still have to use sense, but there is a lot less to think about...as a woman its not as cut and dried..

TFY

January 17, 2020

Thanks I guess I must say I’m not aggressive like that, fooloftheyear... “I’ll kick your ass” would be out of character for me to say to someone until I got to know them a lot better, then yes I’ll give them ****, but a guy I am just starting to hang with? It’s outta my character to bust balls. I’m not saying I can’t turn him down when he actually makes a move on me and say hey I want to get to know you better, I just don’t get how giving him **** is sending a signal I won’t sleep with him before he asks or a deterrent for him , I mean women do that and still sleep with the guy, but if it really will help I suppose I can say it

And thank you @JTSW I’ll consider it

Edited January 17, 2020 by Cookiesandough

January 17, 2020

I think you like him too, but if he were a gentleman and since you have mutual friends? then he never should’ve suggested a 3 hr trip because it’s way, way too early or said right from the start that you’ll book separate rooms.

Edited January 17, 2020 by Interstellar

January 17, 2020

I do like him.. he seems cool.

But I have decided to cancel this date and the one this afternoon. I am done with dating. This all has given me a massive headache

thank you, friends

January 17, 2020

2 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

Thank you but Also @introverted1 re: tell him there will be no sex? How do I even do that? Isn’t that a bit presumptuous when he hasn’t even said he wants to have sex with me. Just thinking if I were a guy and a girl told me “yeah I’ll hang out oh btw I won’t have sex with you” I’d probably be extremely put off. Unless there’s a better way to couch that.

I mean I’ve always been a pretty ‘whatever happens, happens’ person in regards to that anyway, I’m not saying it’s 100% ruled out. Just like 99%.. because I don’t have sex with virtual strangers

It's not that hard, CD. And no, it isn't presumptuous. What world do you live in where 37yo grown men invite women away overnight (and to share a hotel room) where they are not expecting sex?

Anyway, there are lots of ways to broach this. You can tell him you're expecting a G-rated night or you can say you're enjoying getting to know him but that you like to take things slow physically, or you can phrase this in whatever way makes sense to you. It's a lot kinder to do this than to go, have sex, watch him become attached, freak out, and then ghost him (which seems to be your usual MO).

And, frankly, if he is put off by you having sane and sensible limits, wouldn't you rather find that out before you are spending 24/7 together?

January 17, 2020

@Cookiesandough, you seem to be really impulsive - you jump into things quickly and then get freaked out and run the other direction (ghosting). Unless you're still a teenager, you should be moderating your actions based on those impulses. There is a lot of in-between ground on things you seem to not even consider, going from one extreme to another. I get that moderation is "blah", but to avoid drama and hurting other people, sometimes it's warranted.

I agree with you, a spontaneous trip out of town sounds like a lot of fun - but then as you have seen here there is a lot to consider. Honestly, I'm torn about what I think about it, I agree with most of the things that have been posted on both side of the decision. I chimed in mainly to comment on the extremes - You don't have to cancel the date this afternoon even if you choose to not go on the trip (maybe another trip will come along soon after you get to know him a bit better). You don't have to be "finished with dating. Just start the thoughtful consideration process PRIOR to jumping into situations where you then feel the need to run away and ghost.

January 17, 2020

1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said:

I do like him.. he seems cool.

But I have decided to cancel this date and the one this afternoon. I am done with dating. This all has given me a massive headache

thank you, friends

Fair enough. I don't think you have stop dating, but I would advise against dating at light speed like this. If you just did things methodically and at a comfortable pace, maybe you wouldn't have the headaches. Best of luck.

January 17, 2020

1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said:

I do like him.. he seems cool.

But I have decided to cancel this date and the one this afternoon. I am done with dating. This all has given me a massive headache

Oh for heaven's sake. This is why you can't date. You are being flaky. Take control of your life & your choices. Stop going with the flow. Set your boundaries & stick to them. This could have been a fun date if you had a better sense of self. Until you learn to be true to yourself & make good decisions you will remain stuck in this mess that you make then can't get out of.

January 17, 2020

I see... ty. Well, honestly, the fun got sucked out of a little bit for me. What’s the fun of going on an adventure if you have all these rules and stipulations? “Must draw this line here.” “Must stand at least a foot away.” Just no thanks. Remember a time when you weren’t sure if you were going to get laid or not and it was kind of exciting? Like you had fun just being with someone you were attracted to? Just having a good time with another human being without having to worry about a potential emotional what ifs. Honestly, I wonder why some of you guys date at all. I don’t see how it can be fun lol.

Edited January 17, 2020 by Cookiesandough

January 17, 2020

45 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

I see... ty. Well, honestly, the fun got sucked out of a little bit for me. What’s the fun of going on an adventure if you have all these rules and stipulations? “Must draw this line here.” “Must stand at least a foot away.” Just no thanks. Remember a time when you weren’t sure if you were going to get laid or not and it was kind of exciting? Like you had fun just being with someone you were attracted to? Just having a good time with another human being without having to worry about a potential emotional what ifs. Honestly, I wonder why some of you guys date at all. I don’t see how it can be fun lol.

Who says it can’t be fun? whenever I pick up chicks at the local Bingo convention in my brand new red scooter I always put on a smile and a show. All the ladies love me, then I take them to the nearby buffet and I make them laugh. They seem to be having a great time.

Edited January 17, 2020 by Interstellar

January 17, 2020

50 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

I don’t see how it can be fun lol.

The problem seems to be that your "fun" keeps putting you in awkward situations that you don't seem to understand how they came about.

January 17, 2020

I can't imagine anyone would even consider doing this. No, not "fun." I'm sure it will give you fuel for your next thread about how to get rid of him or how he's ghosting you, right? After you wasted a whole weekend on a guy you don't know ... when you're in graduate school.

January 17, 2020

Ty. I respect your opinion, but I have never been ghosted nor have I ever made a thread about how to get rid of someone .Don’t know what you mean. Yes, I do have trouble sometimes understanding how I should behave in dating situations, so I ask for help. Examining what I should have done or what I ought to do. Part of me still wonders if it would have been a waste to have listened to music I like with a person I liked in a club I like. Oh yeah — because he could end up to be a bad person. Maybe. I shall never know. Instead I will waste my free time/day off at home, by myself. Don’t know why some of you seem so angry. Maybe cynicism. Anyway, I appreciate the help and will move on.

Edited January 17, 2020 by Cookiesandough

January 17, 2020

13 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Don’t know why some of you seem so angry

Not angry - just kind of impatient probably that you make posts about awkward situations, people tell you why they probably happened, but then you post about another, and another....

You are free to live as you like - but if you make posts soliciting feedback, that's what you're going to get. Not sure exactly what you're expecting.

January 17, 2020

Thank you. Yeah see, I have no problem with the advice. Obviously, since I took it. I just don’t know why people have to attack my character or dredge up relic posts I’ve made about dating mistakes..Not pertinent to a question about whether I should go on a second date out of state.

Edited January 17, 2020 by Cookiesandough

January 17, 2020

You're right, each post should be taken as a stand alone. But the reality is that our past behavior has a lot to do with our current and future behavior. Just like when you talk to your friends about things like this, they are going to use their knowledge of your past experiences to give you feedback or advice. Those that post here frequently and are fairly forthcoming create a full profile of themselves with the combined posts. And their responses to other posts. Nothing happens in a vacuum.

But, I get what you're saying.

I don't think anyone is "attacking" your character, though. Just pointing out a pattern of behavior that is likely to continue without any reflection on your part. We all have to do that, it's most definitely not a unique issue just related to you.

I think most people on this forum want each other to succeed and be happy, but to be careful not to have collateral damage (to themselves or others) along the way.

January 17, 2020

1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said:

Thank you. Yeah see, I have no problem with the advice. Obviously, since I took it. I just don’t know why people have to attack my character or dredge up relic posts I’ve made about dating mistakes..Not pertinent to a question about whether I should go on a second date out of state.

I think you made a good decision. While it's always fun to listen to live music with someone you know/like, I think a trip out of town for your second (possibly third) date was putting a little too much pressure on you. For now, maybe just consider dating a non-committal activity to distract you from grad school (and who wouldn't need that!?) Try not to over-think your decisions. Maybe stick to local dates for the time being. I'm sure you'll have other opportunities to spend time with this guy, if you choose to do so.

January 18, 2020

Jeez OP, I can’t keep up with all the people you are dating. How do you keep track? Do you use a spreadsheet or something? I think when you self identify as having dated 3 or 4 of your ex’s friends in the last 5 months it’s time to take a step back and look at the bigger picture rather than obsessing over the minutiae of one particular date.....or not, it’s your life I guess. But you do come across like the dating equivalent of a honey badger- just doing whatever you feel like depending on which way the wind blows. No consistency at all.

My personal belief is that people who truly know what they want should have very few dating options at any one time because what they want is so rare there just aren’t the numbers. I would ask whether you truly know what you are looking for in all these dating situations you seem to find yourself in.

January 18, 2020

eh, I think you should have gone if you were into him. Guy who's a friend of a friend, with a teenage daughter and presumably a decent life probably isn't likely to risk that by being a chud. I have been on a couple of overnight trips/hotel stays on 2nd dates and went in with no expectations. If sex was off the table so be it, we'd just sleep. A man of character would understand. Note, I am not saying there is 0 risk here, but there is some risk (albeit less) in meeting anyone and being alone with them.

Now the whole stand around and wait while he plays his show thing....dude's got an ego or his band is awesome if he thinks that's a good plan for a date. Especially if you had no other friends there...

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