Second date out of town

[fishlips]

It sounds fun. I say go for it. It would be a good idea to get your own room, though.

Of course, sex is NOT expected. It's totally up to you. If he expects it, then he's not your guy.

[stillafool]

I say get your own room so you are not faced with morning wood.

[PinkFlamingo]

In your answers and questions, you always kind of come across as a mixture of cold-hearted, confused, clever and innocent (not at the same time).  

Well, in that case, you're probably underestimating that guy. Unless, I was really smitten with the guy and we had fabulous chemistry, I would not take this trip with him. If I can't imagine myself having a date with someone for three hours completely alone, I wouldn't do it. Also, just by taking such a long trip to see him play, he must be interpreting that as a signal that you are interested in him and with your agreement to a stayover in the same room, he now surely must be convincedthat you also want something to happen. Judging from his message, he is really looking forward to sleeping with you.  

[alphamale]

2 minutes ago, PinkFlamingo said:

In your answers and questions, you always kind of come across as a mixture of cold-hearted, confused, clever and innocent (not at the same time).  

Well, in that case, you're probably underestimating that guy. Unless, I was really smitten with the guy and we had fabulous chemistry, I would not take this trip with him. If I can't imagine myself having a date with someone for three hours completely alone, I wouldn't do it. Also, just by taking such a long trip to see him play, he must be interpreting that as a signal that you are interested in him and with your agreement to a stayover in the same room, he now surely must be convincedthat you also want something to happen. Judging from his message, he is really looking forward to sleeping with you.  

I agree PF

[PinkFlamingo]

1 hour ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

You're gonna bail at the last minute and then block him, aren't you?

You know, just when I thought, "that creep", you came along and now I think "poor fool, another one bites the dust." 

[elaine567]

Is this the 4th friend of the ex?

[PinkFlamingo]

Just now, elaine567 said:

Is this the 4th friend of the ex?

I lost count somewhere... 

[normal person]

5 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

Thank you so much for the insights, everyone!!! You guys are so helpful. I will be careful and look into getting my own room. I just don’t want it to be weird. It feels like every date I’ve gone on lately has been really weird. 

I also have to say I feel a bit weird already. 

Look, traveling 3 hours to see someone you've been out with once, then putting yourself in the precarious position of staying overnight with them is, no offense, very weird. You enabled and facilitated  this weirdness when you didn't say "Ehhh, I don't know, that's weird," and instead you chose to say "Sure, sounds great."

If you don't want your dates and experiences to be weird, don't put yourself weird positions. That includes dating friends of your exes, traveling long distances with people who you met one time, uncertain sleeping arrangements, all that sort of stuff. You likely have more power in this situation than you think you do -- if you insisted on getting a few dinners under your belt first, the odds are he wouldn't be turned off. Then, after you've developed some degree of comfort, it's much less likely to be weird if you want to do the long trips and such. The reason it's weird is because you barely know this guy at all. If you knew him well,  you'd be much more comfortable with the situation.  

 

5 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

It’s almost like he’s...creating a false sense of intimacy?

This is basically what you signed up for when agreed to go. The subtext of not saying "let's get dinner first" is "getting to know you first isn't really that important to me, I don't value my safety enough to hesitate and take at least a bit of precaution, so yeah, sleeping with me immediately is not out of the question, and I may even want it to happen." If you give him an inch, he's going to take a mile. 

 

5 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

Like..dude...sounds fun but I don’t even know you...

So why are you going? You have this secret reservation and internal tension about this whole situation, but you're the one who agreed to it. You think "sounds fun, but I don't even know you" is a suitable response to some suggestive texting, but not to "travel 300 miles with me and stay overnight in a different city before you really even know who I am?" You make it sound like the first one is totally off base but the other is completely normal. It's not. 

 

17 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

like if this goes well it will go REALLY well and be a very memorable trip

Yeah, and what if it doesn't? Are you prepared for that too? 

Edited January 16, 2020 by normal person

[Miss Spider]

Yes, thank you all. 

 

Weird is maybe the wrong word to use. I like weird. Awkward was more along the lines of what I was thinking...

and yea normal_person, could have done dinner ... but what is the fun in that ? I mean a spontaneous road trip sounded like it could be really fun to me and many people here agree it sounds fun. Also wouldn’t you get to know a lot more about the person in a shorter period of time? Dinner is kind of  blah 

I’m prepared to deal with it if it goes bad. It will just be like the rest of my dating experiences ...

 

Edited January 16, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[fishlips]

I don't see anything to indicate that he just wants to get in your pants. Maybe he asked you to see him play because he likes you. If you've crossed paths before and have mutual friends, it's entirely possible.

I would get your own hotel room, but make that known to him before you go. If he suddenly loses interest, well then you know that he just wanted to get laid.

[normal person]

1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said:

and yea normal_person, could have done dinner ... but what is the fun in that ?

From this thread and the other one, it seems like you have a tendency to only consider the upside of situations and overlook the downsides. You might not have as much "fun," but you wouldn't be riddled with doubt to the point that you had to start a thread wondering if it was bad idea. Personally I don't see much "fun" in the anxiety of traveling and staying with a relative stranger, especially if I were a woman, knowing how men are. Speeding down the highway at 120mph is "fun," but so are Go-Karts, y'know? Similar feeling, one much less risky. I mean... do you get a kick out of being in awkward, uncomfortable, potentially unsafe situations? At the least, it sounds like you have a very high tolerance for them. 

 

44 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

I mean a spontaneous road trip sounded like it could be really fun to me and many people here agree it sounds fun. 

You're right, it could be. All I'm suggesting is that you be prepared for a case in which it isn't. Which is not unlikely -- that's why most people probably wouldn't agree to it. Why bother saving your money? You could win the lottery tomorrow. Similar logic. It's your life, but you can have plenty of fun without all the potential risk.

 

47 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Also wouldn’t you get to know a lot more about the person in a shorter period of time?

Is your goal just to get to know him in the shortest amount of time possible? Even so, why do it when you're stuck with the person? There are plenty of reasons people usually don't fast track relationships like you're about to: general uncertainty, safety, discomfort, awkwardness. 

 

57 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Dinner is kind of  blah

This sort of blasé attitude is why you find yourself where you do. Dinner is a standard practice, low risk time investment to see if someone is worth more of your time. And now you bypassed that and will be stuck with the guy for a 3 day weekend, for better or worse. Could be cool, could be pretty bad. You could always do something like that at a later date when you're more certain it would be cool and not incredibly awkward like it's sounding as it could be. 

If you're happy, great. If you're unhappy or unsure, maybe you could tap the brakes and see how it works out for you. If you can't get excited about dinner with the guy, it doesn't bode well... you'll probably have to have a lot of them.

 

1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said:

I’m prepared to deal with it if it goes bad. It will just be like the rest of my dating experiences ...

Have you considered the thought that there might be a reason they're bad? Why do think this one will be different? 

[thefooloftheyear]

4 minutes ago, fishlips said:

I don't see anything to indicate that he just wants to get in your pants. Maybe he asked you to see him play because he likes you. 

Good God...

.I hope they pick you for one of the jurors if the shyt ever hits the fan for me....

TFY

[normal person]

6 minutes ago, fishlips said:

I don't see anything to indicate that he just wants to get in your pants. Maybe he asked you to see him play because he likes you. If you've crossed paths before and have mutual friends, it's entirely possible.

I would get your own hotel room, but make that known to him before you go. If he suddenly loses interest, well then you know that he just wanted to get laid.

He's a man who suggested a woman take an overnight trip with him. He's being forward with the texts. It's not hard to read between the lines. She should absolutely expect him to try and sleep with her (even if they get different rooms), and be prepared for the fallout, whatever it may be, if she doesn't agree. He could take it in stride, he might not. That's a long car ride home.

[fishlips]

Did he say he was expecting to share a hotel room? Her first post says that he was willing to drive back, but both of them wanted to stay overnight. She didn't say they were sharing a room.

She could drive her own car and go to the show, and drive herself to the hotel. 

My husband wanted sex on our second date, but I said no. Sure he was a bit pissed, but he respected my decision. Honestly, I thought that was the last time I would see him, but he kept calling. I just don't think we should assume this guy is a creep when we don't know his intentions. As long as she protects herself, I don't see why she should turn him down.

[thefooloftheyear]

He barely knows her...its not like she's the vocalist of the band, his cousin, or his wife.

if he wanted just company, he'd bring one of his buddies....because if there isn't going to be some sex, then it wouldn't be as good or fun as it would have been with the buddy..

This isn't that hard to figure out....I mean sure, it doesn't mean he'll necessarily force her, but its not like he's not expecting to get laid..

TFY..

[alphamale]

does this guy do drugs and have groupies?

[normal person]

19 minutes ago, fishlips said:

Did he say he was expecting to share a hotel room? Her first post says that he was willing to drive back, but both of them wanted to stay overnight. She didn't say they were sharing a room.

I don't think it was mentioned one way or the other. He's a man, and he suggested the trip, so let's assume he's not going to say anything about having separate rooms unless she suggests otherwise. 

19 minutes ago, fishlips said:

She could drive her own car and go to the show, and drive herself to the hotel.

She could, 'doesn't sound like she wants to, though. Correct me if I'm wrong, OP, but it seems like you want the fun and excitement of a spontaneous road trip with a nice, new, guy without the implication of sex, in which case I can't imagine you'd want to drive by yourself. 

 

19 minutes ago, fishlips said:

My husband wanted sex on our second date, but I said no. Sure he was a bit pissed, but he respected my decision. Honestly, I thought that was the last time I would see him, but he kept calling. I just don't think we should assume this guy is a creep when we don't know his intentions. 

Well, let's hope this guy reacts at least as well as your husband. No one's calling him a creep, but it doesn't sound like a totally un-creepy, un-awkward situation either. There's a reason women usually don't do this sort of thing. While most men are ok and trustworthy, there are plenty who aren't. And I'm definitely not saying this guy is going to be a rapist, too aggressive or whatever either. I'm just saying it's safe to assume he's going to at least try to have sex, and OP should be prepared for that and everything it entails. I'm as nice as they come, and if a girl I was dating agreed to take an interstate, overnight trip with me, and then didn't want to sleep with me, I wouldn't be pushy, but inside I'd be pretty pissed off. Especially if I paid for the trip. 

Edited January 16, 2020 by normal person

[fishlips]

Cookies,

Does this guy do music on the side? Or is he a man-child who never had a real job? If he's a responsible guy with a good job, he's probably okay. If he's some rock star wannabe, then maybe he isn't so great.

In any case, I do hope you are driving your own car. Like other people here have said, you do need a way out if things get awkward. 

[Miss Spider]

Interesting perspectives. Thank you so much.  I want to add some other details

 

-He said he has liked me awhile but every time he saw me I had a bf

-He offered drive back but said it would be a lot

- He said he was dreading driving alone ? 

- Also he has a full time job, music is just a side thing for fun 

Oh yea and he wants to get lunch  tmrw after  class so I guess this will technically be the 3rd date ...

I don’t know. I’ve rejected a lot of guys advances but it’s never been met with aggression or passive aggression, I guess there is a first for everything though. I’m more concerned about it just being awkward 

Edited January 16, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[elaine567]

Just now, alphamale said:

does this guy do drugs and have groupies?

That is my worry for CND.
She has really no idea of what she may be getting into here... who knows what "the band" gets up to, with drugs, alcohol involved anything could happen and she is 3 hours away from home...

[normal person]

1 minute ago, fishlips said:

Does this guy do music on the side? Or is he a man-child who never had a real job? If he's a responsible guy with a good job, he's probably okay. If he's some rock star wannabe, then maybe he isn't so great.

Whether or not he has a decent job won't be indicative of whether or not he'll want to sleep with her, how pushy he'll be about it it he does, and how he'll react if she declines. People with decent jobs can be terrible and struggling musicians can be decent and respectful. They don't go hand in hand. 

[normal person]

OP, let's assume he's not at all pushy and doesn't try to sleep with you. Also consider that he might just like you a lot more than you're comfortable with, and that could be pretty awkward too. Just food for thought. 

[Miss Spider]

So what do you suggest, normal, I just not date at all? Just be lonely all the time? 

[fishlips]

8 minutes ago, normal person said:

Whether or not he has a decent job won't be indicative of whether or not he'll want to sleep with her, how pushy he'll be about it it he does, and how he'll react if she declines. People with decent jobs can be terrible and struggling musicians can be decent and respectful. They don't go hand in hand. 

I didn't mean that a struggling musician would be more likely to be violent towards her. I just meant that someone who is pushing 40 with no real job might not be such a great choice for a life partner if that is what she wants. It's not clear from her post if that is what she is looking for, though. 

[introverted1]

11 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

So what do you suggest, normal, I just not date at all? Just be lonely all the time? 

Isn't that what you proposed in your last thread - taking a break from dating?

 

I don't particularly think you'll be unsafe with this guy, but I cannot think of a single guy on the planet who would invite a woman on an overnight trip and not assume that sex was on the table. 

And yes, you can wait to get there to tell him there won't be any sex (assuming that's the case), but it would be far smarter to clarify your terms before you go.