Miss Spider Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 (edited) Hi. Need advice. Today I had dinner with a guy I know from a music scene in my city(so we have seen each other prior and have mutual friends, but never chatted 1 on 1) After the date, he asked if I would go to Chicago (3hrs away) for a show he’s playing on Sunday, since Monday is MLK day off. I really like the idea of a spontaneous road trip to see him play. He said we could drive back, but I’m thinking with him playing at 10 and then after parties, he would prefer to stay the night. He said the same. That means staying in a hotel room with him. I have some concerns. 1. Is this a bad idea. I’ve only met him 1 on 1 once, and while he seems nice, that’s nearly 6 hours together in his car. I won’t really have transport home. Then overnight in a hotel room? 2. Will sex be expected. I’ve heard from people here if you stay the night , you’re being a tease ? But this is an out of town trip. Bit different? 3. I’ll be all by myself while he’s performing. I’m sure he will introduce me to people and I won’t be completely alone, but I’m not getting to know him during this time. His set is pretty long. 3 hours ish He said he hasn’t been this excited about something in a while and I feel excited too. like if this goes well it will go REALLY well and be a very memorable trip Edited January 16, 2020 by Cookiesandough
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 (edited) Who cares if sex is "expected?" You are in charge of your own body and get to decide. Get two beds if you're sharing a room. I would not worry about the 3 hour set. You will have plenty of time on the way there and back to get to know him. Those 3 hours you can just enjoy the band. ETA: On second thought, book your own room. You've only really met this guy once officially. Edited January 16, 2020 by CautiouslyOptimistic 4 1
Author Miss Spider Posted January 16, 2020 Author Posted January 16, 2020 Thank you so much. I feel a lot better about this
alphamale Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 do NOT do this C&D, it's waaay too early and he's still a stranger. get to know him better before doing this sort of s*** 2 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 3 minutes ago, alphamale said: do NOT do this C&D, it's waaay too early and he's still a stranger. get to know him better before doing this sort of s*** C&D is young and therefore can be spontaneous. I would, however, warn her against being her "usual self" and leading this guy on and then getting home from the trip and ghosting him! C&D, how about you set VERY CLEAR boundaries before the trip (separate hotel rooms!) and stick to them. Do not lead him on in any way. See how that works this time! 3 1
Author Miss Spider Posted January 16, 2020 Author Posted January 16, 2020 Uhhh oh now I’m so confused again but thank you
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 Just now, Cookiesandough said: Uhhh oh now I’m so confused again but thank you Cookies, What are you confused about? We want to help! 1
Author Miss Spider Posted January 16, 2020 Author Posted January 16, 2020 (edited) 55 minutes ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said: Cookies, What are you confused about? We want to help! Thank you so much, Cautiously. It’s just what alphamale and you have said. I’m so divided. I think it would be really fun since I like the event and music, but I don’t know. What if something goes wrong. I should mention he is quite a bit older than me at 37 and at a different stage. He has a stable career and a teenaged daughter. I am still studying, though in grad school. What if it turns out he is a total creep and he wants to have sex and when I turn him down he leaves me stranded on the side of the road. Or we fight the whole way. Okay that’s a really worst case scenario, but who knows More likely I’ll update with and everyone who reads will shake their head at what a mess I was. Oh well. I think I will go. I’ll let you know how it goes ty again Edited January 16, 2020 by Cookiesandough
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 10 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: Thank you so much, Cautiously. It’s just what alphamale and you have said. I’m so divided. I think it would be really fun since I like the event and music, but I don’t know. What if something goes wrong. I should mention he is quite a bit older than me at 37 and at a different stage. He has a stable career and a teenaged daughter. I am still studying, though in grad school. What if it turns out he is a total creep and he wants to have sex and when I turn him down he leaves me stranded on the side of the road. Or we fight the whole way. Okay that’s a really worst case scenario, but who knows More likely I’ll update with and everyone who reads will shake their head at what a mess I was. Oh well. I think I will go. I’ll let you know how it goes ty again Cookies, just set boundaries ahead of time and it will be OK. He's old enough to respect that! 3 1
thefooloftheyear Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 If you were my sister Id choke you.... Call me a wet blanket if you want, but id advise you just don't go, IMO...You don't know him well enough for that type of weekend... Plus, I dunno….I'd think anyone would feel weird in a car with someone who is virtually a stranger to you for that long....even if he didn't leave you in a ditch... I could only imagine what's running through his head...Excited?? Suuuure he is.... TFY 3
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 I get that, TFY. I don't know, maybe I'll think of it more conservatively tomorrow :). I did way dumber things than this in my youth! 1 1
LivingWaterPlease Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 (edited) I wouldn't do it. As you said, he could be a creep. Also, you have a history of liking guys a lot and having your feelings change pretty early on. You might decide you don't like him and be stuck with him there, in the same room even. Seems too much too soon, to me. Edited January 16, 2020 by LivingWaterPlease punctuation 2
JTSW Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 (edited) 7 hours ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said: On second thought, book your own room. You've only really met this guy once officially. This ^^^ Don't share a room with someone you barely know. I don't even think it's wise to even go. If you are so worried about what could happen, then don't do it. Edited January 16, 2020 by JTSW 2 1
K.K. Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 9 hours ago, Cookiesandough said: 1. Is this a bad idea. I’ve only met him 1 on 1 once, and while he seems nice, that’s nearly 6 hours together in his car. I won’t really have transport home. Then overnight in a hotel room? Hi Cookiesanddough, Your post is bringing up some not so good memories for me, so I wanted to just input some thoughts that I had about it. 1.) I do think it’s a bad idea, yes. You’ve met him one time. Now you’re looking at a six hour car ride with basically a stranger. Not to mention the whole overnight thing. Quote 2. Will sex be expected. I’ve heard from people here if you stay the night , you’re being a tease ? But this is an out of town trip. Bit different? 2.) Yes, sex will definitely be expected and not only be expected but no doubt is the main invitation for the trip. No, it’s not different. He will expect it, yes. Quote 3. I’ll be all by myself while he’s performing. I’m sure he will introduce me to people and I won’t be completely alone, but I’m not getting to know him during this time. His set is pretty long. 3 hours ish 3.) Boring. Alone. You’ll be there alone. 3 hours away from the safety of home. Quote He said he hasn’t been this excited about something in a while and I feel excited too. like if this goes well it will go REALLY well and be a very memorable trip I’m sure he hasn’t lol. Now when I read this part, it sounds like you may be ok with that. But in your post, (didn’t quote that part here) you said you were not prepared to do that. Didn’t want to, I think it said that and I’m too lazy to scroll lol. So look- I know it sounds exciting but you have to know that this is all about the sex to him. He’s almost 40 and I’m not sure how old you are but in your photo, you look a lot younger and ridiculously cute. He’s probably going insane with glee right about now. He’s not going to let you pay for anything so that you will ‘owe’ him. That’s how they do. If you get your own room, that doesn’t stop the whole situation as either you or he will be in whichever room alone together at some point. Now, I’m not trying to sound like your mommy or something but it scares me that you may end up physically harmed or mentally fk’ed. Leaving you in a ditch or otherwise stranded is not so far fetched these days especially. I’ve seen the most normal men you can imagine, turn on a dime. What a bad situation to be that far from home with nobody to help you. If it were me, I wouldn’t even think of going, knowing what I know now about the nature of the beast lol. But if you do decide to go, then do so with the thought in your mind that you want to have sex with him as well. That YOU want to do this, because it damned well be expected of you. And if you do, that’s ok your body your choice. But ffs please call home and tell them every detail they need to find you quickly if it all goes bad. I’m a worrier and a realist lol. Just a little concerned about this like the others that posted. Be safe whatever you decide to do, ok? Good luck kk 1 2
stillafool Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 You shouldn't go but if you do rent your own room. Do not under any circumstances sleep in a room with him. Sex will be expected if you stay with him. 2 1
clia Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 I don't think it's smart to stay in a hotel room with a guy who you barely know. While chances are it would be totally fine, you could also end up in a bad situation. If you go, get your own room. I also don't think it sounds like very much fun to go and sit by yourself for three hours while he plays in his band. What kind of date is that? 2 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 This is a no-go. Even if you get separate rooms, you are at the mercy of this guy if he decides to be passive aggressive or worse, about being denied sex. Did he mention as part of the offer to get separate rooms for the occasion? Of course not. In his mind, if you decide to do so, YOU will need to fork over your money to get your own room, so his likely wager is that you won't and you will stay with him. Does the room have two beds? Probably not, huh? This is a much older man using his leverage of experience, age, status to impress upon a young, attractive, still-in-school woman. I would tell him thank you perhaps next time after you've really gotten to know him. 2 2
d0nnivain Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 C&D Do you want to go? I think it sounds like fun. But do get your own room at your own expense. If you share a room with him even if it has 2 beds you will be "expected" to have sex. Of course you can still say no, but it puts you in too vulnerable of a position. You want to have the ability to escape. If you really want to keep the boundaries clear, take your own car & bring a girlfriend to dance with while he's performing. To me that shows interest in him & what he likes but lowers expectations, if you know what I mean. Driving 6 hours R/T in one day especially after drinking at the gig is unsafe. If you do go with him in his car, have a back up plan & money in case he ditches you in Chicago. If you can't figure out a way to deal with that (hopefully unlikely) worst case scenario don't go. I am not saying he's a bad guy who will do this to you but as a woman, I always had a plan B in my head & money to get myself out of any situation. Planning for the worse case scenario is like a talisman to assure it won't happen. Have fun & enjoy the show. 2 2
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 (edited) You are not total strangers. You have mutual friends, so less likely that this guy is going to do something that will get back to others and put him in a bad light. But this all plays into a scenario where he is hoping for more than simple companionship. BUT...I stand by what I said earlier. Even if you take all the precautions and have a plan B, getting your own car, your own room, do you have the financial means? Do you want to be out as much financially? Inconvenient considerations. Bringing a friend, if possible, is a good idea. Get your own room, drive down and back together. Propose this idea to him and see what kind of reaction you get. In the end, don't do this as planned... Edited January 16, 2020 by Gr8fuln2020 1
Author Miss Spider Posted January 16, 2020 Author Posted January 16, 2020 Thank you so much for the insights, everyone!!! You guys are so helpful. I will be careful and look into getting my own room. I just don’t want it to be weird. It feels like every date I’ve gone on lately has been really weird. I also have to say I feel a bit weird already. It’s almost like he’s...creating a false sense of intimacy? He’s just coming on real strong like. “ Ok. Sleep tight babe. I can hardly stand waiting until Sunday to meet up! Will def make the work week go faster “ Like..dude...sounds fun but I don’t even know you... Yeah, he’s definitely trying to get laid.... Plz wish me luck
stillafool Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 Why didn't you cool him off and tell him you've decided to rent your own room? 1 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 You're gonna bail at the last minute and then block him, aren't you? 5 1
thefooloftheyear Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 All these details....separate room...own car...a buddy....a knife...money...a pair of pliers....attorney on speed dial.... .this was supposed to be fun... TFY 1 1
stillafool Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 5 minutes ago, thefooloftheyear said: All these details....separate room...own car...a buddy....a knife...money...a pair of pliers....attorney on speed dial.... .this was supposed to be fun... TFY Yeah, for him but the poor guy doesn't know what he's got himself into. 3 1
lurker74 Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 I think you're overthinking things a bit. Not completely, but a bit. First of all, if you say nothing and then share a hotel room with him, then I would say sex is expected. But expected is a hell of a lot different than required. You never, regardless of the situation, HAVE to have sex. But yes, nearly all of the time, an out of town trip with someone you're dating where you share a hotel room, sex is expected unless you make it clear otherwise. So to me, you have two choices. Be OK with having sex with him (if you are both physically able after a long drive, playing, partying, and returning to the hotel). There's nothing black and white wrong with sex on a second date if you have a connection. Recognize that if you do not escalate the emotional with the physical then it could kill the potential relationship, but that is not a given. And also keep in mind that if the sex is bad, the 3 hours back home is going to be awkward. On the other hand, if the sex is OK to good or even great, the 3 hours is going to fly by (unless you stop for another round!). The second choice you have to to make it clear now to him that you may not, maybe even probably won't, want to have sex and that if you split a room, you should get two beds. Yes, technically it's risky being in a room with someone you don't know very well but you can judge his character by your interactions and by others in your group that know him. On the internet, everyone is a potential rapist looking for a victim but in real life, it's usually not that scary. And if you start getting bad vibes, you can always back out, get your own hotel room, rent a car, take a train, whatever. I definitely feel like you should not paint yourself into a corner so if you cannot afford a hotel room alternative, it's probably not a great idea. But overall, assuming you like him and he seems above board, I don't think sharing a room with two bed is that risky. And in fact, you may do this and then end up with option 1! 1 1
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