Is my boyfriend taking advantage of me? I need your thoughts

[LivingWaterPlease]

I'd like to hear more from OP. Hoping she'll return.

[Ambereyes]

37 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Not really. I know a guy whose wife hid a mountain of debt before marriage, refused to ever work again as soon as she got pregnant, has always used his big salary to pay for nannies, housekeepers, and endless shopping. The only reason he's still with her is he doesn't want to lose half his stuff. This woman is also a leech, though fully protected by the "law" 

Get evidence and a good lawyer, not to mention many ways to transfer out his assets.  she won’t get half his money , she probably won’t even get custody.

 

Edited January 16, 2020 by Ambereyes

[d0nnivain]

8 hours ago, Ambereyes said:

But I kind of wonder what would people say if a man says he helps out his live-in partner because her job is not making too much money. I'm not sure all of you will jump out and accuse her of not working/not working hard enough, or plain call her a leech. Quite frankly I see couples like this all the time. And if the man is wealthy enough, no one really cares.

If one person, no matter the gender, is happy & willing to support a partner that is just fine.  However, when one partner no matter the gender feels taken advantage of, I for one will call out a man or a woman for not working hard enough or budgeting correctly.  

[kendahke]

Might be time to tell your boyfriend that you're not his mom and that he need to find someone else to sponge off of, since he wants to be friends with his kids and not their parent.

If none of them are trust fund babies, then the one working needs to pay for his own phone--or go without. 

Same goes for your car---Uber, Lyft, Pull Up N Go are three options for them to use.

The youngest isn't old enough to work legally, so there's that, but the other two aren't trust fund babies--so that means they need to be out there working. Plenty of college students hold down jobs while going to school--only the precious ones who think they're too good to work act like that.

[preraph]

Where is the mother in all this?  

[Ruby Slippers]

1 hour ago, kendahke said:

The youngest isn't old enough to work legally, so there's that...

I had good-paying babysitting jobs starting at age 11. I was making $100 a week easy, was making $500+ a week within a few years.

If a 15-year-old boy knocked on my door this weekend and offered to rake my yard for $25, I'd pay him that and extra. He could get it done in less than an hour.

[Lotsgoingon]

OP, just reading your headline, I knew the answer was "yes, he's using you financially."

If you have to even ask, then the answer is "of course!" 

But then I read your post and ... yes ... this ain't fair at all. You need to draw some lines.

 

[kendahke]

38 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I had good-paying babysitting jobs starting at age 11. I was making $100 a week easy, was making $500+ a week within a few years.

If a 15-year-old boy knocked on my door this weekend and offered to rake my yard for $25, I'd pay him that and extra. He could get it done in less than an hour.

I'm talking about a job with a W2 form.

[Pinkbird741]

Thanks for answering my long message. I knew I was right and he's taking advantage of me. He does take me out, clean the house and do things for me but he doesn't seem to use his money wisely. I forgot to mention that we live by ourselves and the 15 and 21 year old sons live with their mother. The 18 year old is already in college. His college intuition and campus rent plus books was all payed by my boyfriend. It seems like he invested all his savings on his sons. It's not bad because he's being a good dad but after giving everything to them he needs them to grow up and stop making their lives easy.

right now my boyfriend is mad because the other day he picked me up late from work again and told me: "I'm running late because of traffic. Do you want to call an Uber and I'll pay for it?" And I got mad because I have my own car. He should be the one on Uber, not me. So I told him his comment was rude and now he doesn't speak to me. 

One time that he didn't pay the phone bill, his service was interrupted and his sons service as well for a whole day. And none of them wanted to pay!!!! I guess his sons were waiting for daddy to pay. And guess who ended up paying? Me!!! Because this happened on New Years Eve and I only did it because I felt bad for his sons but it was the last time I helped.  It's not my responsibility.

I would like to tell him that he's not educating his kids right but I can't because I'm not their mother and it's the parents who need to guide them.

[preraph]

You can only control your end of it.  

[Ambereyes]

2 hours ago, Pinkbird741 said:

right now my boyfriend is mad because the other day he picked me up late from work again and told me: "I'm running late because of traffic. Do you want to call an Uber and I'll pay for it?" And I got mad because I have my own car. He should be the one on Uber, not me. So I told him his comment was rude and now he doesn't speak to me. 

One time that he didn't pay the phone bill, his service was interrupted and his sons service as well for a whole day. And none of them wanted to pay!!!! I guess his sons were waiting for daddy to pay. And guess who ended up paying? Me!!! Because this happened on New Years Eve and I only did it because I felt bad for his sons but it was the last time I helped.  It's not my responsibility.

I would like to tell him that he's not educating his kids right but I can't because I'm not their mother and it's the parents who need to guide them.

I think you should stop helping him now. You aren't happy. You are even getting resentful.  If you think about it, what's so bad about taking an uber really?  Is it really worth a fight? No. But I think you got mad because you had been building up lots of anger and eventually it got blown out. 

Im afraid the kids situation is not something you can correct. He is spoiling them but you can't change that. I'm afraid this relationship has to end... where is the future really, when you are never going to love his sons. 

[lil_missy]

This sounds exactly like my husband ( soon to be ex husband) 

the thing is they are not bad people, they’ve just never been taught to live within their means, can’t budget, do not have enough money. Too old to change their ways. 

My husband is constantly asking me for money, we are a family fine so I give it to him but his taking all my money and our mortgage is almost not getting paid. 

It is just not sustainable, even if he has no ill intentions at all, like you said he pays you back eventually. But he may just not be able to pay you back next time, he doesn’t have the means and can’t change the way he is. 

The other thing is you are enabling him and reenforcing the idea that what his doing is ok everytime you help him, so you have to stop helping him to try to get him to change. And that will likely mean the end of your relationship 

If he is a great man in other aspects and you love him then you just have accept that financially you have to always pick up the slack for him. If you are both older and just want to live out the rest of your lives and enjoy each other’s company, then it may be fine. 

As for me I’m still young, and we have a child. I’m trying to build the best future I can for myself n my son. Being financially incompetent just does not mix with that and prevents me from reaching my goals. 

Edited January 17, 2020 by lil_missy

[Pinkbird741]

Well I do like all the other qualities he has but the fact that he never return the 1,800 that I lend him is what's making me mad.

I think I will be stupid if I still give him more when he owes me.

I have made myself clear with him and he says maybe we should end things if I don't feel comfortable with him. To me it sounds like he was just using me. Otherwise he would've tried to change and become better after all this time I've been helping him.

I met his sons and I'm not saying I won't love them but I'm not financially responsible for them since the're young adults.

[Ambereyes]

Will he pay you back if you two break up ?

[ChatroomHero]

17 hours ago, Pinkbird741 said:

Thanks for answering my long message. I knew I was right and he's taking advantage of me. He does take me out, clean the house and do things for me but he doesn't seem to use his money wisely. I forgot to mention that we live by ourselves and the 15 and 21 year old sons live with their mother. The 18 year old is already in college. His college intuition and campus rent plus books was all payed by my boyfriend. It seems like he invested all his savings on his sons. It's not bad because he's being a good dad but after giving everything to them he needs them to grow up and stop making their lives easy.

right now my boyfriend is mad because the other day he picked me up late from work again and told me: "I'm running late because of traffic. Do you want to call an Uber and I'll pay for it?" And I got mad because I have my own car. He should be the one on Uber, not me. So I told him his comment was rude and now he doesn't speak to me. 

One time that he didn't pay the phone bill, his service was interrupted and his sons service as well for a whole day. And none of them wanted to pay!!!! I guess his sons were waiting for daddy to pay. And guess who ended up paying? Me!!! Because this happened on New Years Eve and I only did it because I felt bad for his sons but it was the last time I helped.  It's not my responsibility.

 

You are saying he wants to be a good dad by paying for things for his son he cannot afford. The problem is, you are paying, he is not paying so how does that make HIM a good anything?

Here's thing thing- take your car back and don't let him use it. When he cries about it, tell him to pretend YOU gave your car away to someone like he did and he can deal with it like you did. Tel him YOU have a car and he does not because he chose to give it away therefor travel is a problem for HIM and not your concern. Also, immediately stop giving him money. Tell him when he pays you back in full what he owes you, you will consider it on a case by case basis but you will lend him no money as long as he has extra money to pay his sons cell phone bill. If it gets shut off and you do not pay, I guarantee they will pay it. Nobody wanted to pay it before because they knew if they just waited, you would eventually pay it.

All that being said, I have never seen that type of person change, ever. You'll be at lunch and realize you didn't take out cash and he will say, "Here, let me get that for you" and pay $5 for McDonalds. Then for the next 20 years he will act like he took out a second mortgage and sold all his property for you. He will ask for $XXX and if you give it to him tell you how hard it is and how much he appreciates it and loves you and is 'working on it' bla, bla, bla. But you know he is not sincere because if you said No, he will tell you how horrible you are.

People like that have a skewed sense of integrity. They think somehow you have money so you must be lucky to have it and how horrible you would be if you didn't share the luck with them because they deserve it as much as you.  They will ask for money because only they have $10 in their account and you tell them you can't because you have -$10 in your because you lent them money last week and you were going to ask to borrow $5 or they pay you back what they borrowed and flip out. That is a long term learned behavior, I don't think you can change that.

[kendahke]

10 hours ago, Pinkbird741 said:

Well I do like all the other qualities he has but the fact that he never return the 1,800 that I lend him is what's making me mad.

Consider that money gone. IF he hasn't taken up a second and/or third job to clear that debt, he has no intention on clearing it.  He's quite happy to keep driving your car into the ground (you do have a tracking device on it so you can track where your car is going every day, right?), being late to pick you up and then insulting you about taking an Uber.

That $1800 was an investment in an eye opening experience.

[kendahke]

10 hours ago, Pinkbird741 said:

he says maybe we should end things if I don't feel comfortable with him. To me it sounds like he was just using me

No, he's manipulating you and playing you for a fool.

Is that quality strong enough to make you ignore that he's a financial leech?

Take the car keys and tell him from now on, Uber, Lyft, Pull Up N Go, a cab, the bus, an electric scooter, his feet can take him where he needs to go.

Edited January 17, 2020 by kendahke

[FMW]

On 1/15/2020 at 2:47 PM, Pinkbird741 said:

because he has more responsabilities than I have.

That is NOT a valid reason for him to have you pick up the slack.  He has responsibilities to you as well.  

[Calmandfocused]

Op 

You need to stop enabling this behaviour. 
 

what you’re telling us is different to the messages you’re giving your boyfriend. You’re showing him through your behaviour that it’s ok for him to treat you this way and take advantage of you. You don’t tell him you’re going to stop lending him money. You show him! 
 

like others have said: take your car back immediately and remove his possessions from your car. Make it your own again. 
 

Stop financially supporting him immediately. Every time he asks you reply “why would I do that when you owe me $1800? I’d like that returned first please”. Stick to your guns. 
 

And stop financially supporting his children. They are not your responsibility. You’re not even married. 
 

You need to teach your boyfriend how to treat you. He’ll probably respect you much more for standing up for yourself. 
 

 

[Pinkbird741]

Do you think I should tell him something regarding the way he's raising his sons?

Because this is creating a lot of problems but the problem is that I can't interfere in the way he educates them and I have a strong feeling that he will defend his sons. After all they come first

[FMW]

No, I wouldn't recommend you expressing your thoughts about how he's raising his sons.  That's guaranteed to not go over well with pretty much any parent.  

Your problem is that he chooses to spend his money (on his sons, but you don't have to make specific reference) on other things instead of paying his own expenses - and then getting miffed if you have a problem with making up his shortfalls on your shared expenses.  If HE brings up his sons, you can point out that it's his choice to continue supporting them past the age of majority when he isn't fully supporting himself.  You are not married, you have not agreed to subsidize his choices.  That's what any talk should be about.   

[Ambereyes]

3 hours ago, Pinkbird741 said:

Do you think I should tell him something regarding the way he's raising his sons?

Because this is creating a lot of problems but the problem is that I can't interfere in the way he educates them and I have a strong feeling that he will defend his sons. After all they come first

Have that talk only when you are ready to walk away, or you won’t achieve anything 

[Ruby Slippers]

On 1/16/2020 at 11:39 PM, Pinkbird741 said:

I have made myself clear with him and he says maybe we should end things if I don't feel comfortable with him. To me it sounds like he was just using me. Otherwise he would've tried to change and become better after all this time I've been helping him.

You are correct. People rarely change, and if they do it takes time and focus. What you see is what you get.

It's pointless to tell him anything about how he spends his money or parents his kids. He's not going to change. Let some other sucker deal with him. I predict you'll feel a huge sense of liberation once you're free of this parasite. And you'll be opening the door for a much better man to come into your life.

[Springsummer]

I am watching a bio on youtube and it reminds me of this thread.

The kid was just 8 years old and he earned his own money to buy a snowboard set up. He is a x game and Olympic medalist. so your partner has no excuse to finance his kids at those ages.