Pinkbird741 Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 My message is long but I desperately need advice. My boyfriend has been living in my apartment for a year. We're both adults and he has 3 sons from his previous relationship (ages 15, 18, and 21). We both have jobs and we split the rent and the bills 50/50 but my boyfriend sometimes doesn't have enough money to pay his part of the bills because he has more responsabilities than I have. He still gives money to his sons when they need it. As a result, he's behind with the bills and asks me to borrow money constantly. He has always payed me back but the problem is that it's starting to become a habit for him to always ask me for money instead of being independent. He never has any savings. Right now he owes me $1,800 dollars that I let him borrow last year when he had an emergency. I've been waiting to get that money back for months and he still asks me for more money, which I don't think is right. For example, he wants me to lend him money to pay for his phone service plan, in which his 3 sons are included. Why doesn't he ask his sons to help him pay if he's struggling financially instead of asking me? They're the ones using the cellphone service and they're old enough to help. One of them is in college while the other one works. I think my boyfriend hasn't raised them to be financially independent. Another thing that bothers me is that my boyfriend doesn't have his own car because he gave his car to one of his sons so he could drive around. So while his son is comfortable, my boyfriend is broke and doesn't have a car or money. I guess he's being a good father by making sacrifices but because of this he depends on me. Not only financially but I also let him borrow my car so he can get around. I don't mind if he uses it but sometimes he gets too comfortable. He lets people inside my car without my permission, fills the car with stuff that belongs to him making it look messy and takes my car longer than he should. Sometimes he uses it while I'm at work and he picks me up late when I get off instead of being on time. I feel stupid waiting while everyone is gone by the end of the day when I have my own car. He cleans it and puts gas on it, but I don't think he should take it longer than usual when I'm the one who should be driving it. I told him that I've helped him enough and I'm no longer giving him money and he said: "I'm so disappointed that you think that way" and he thinks I should continue helping him because I'm his girlfriend and he struggles. I think it's important for him to save money, get his own car, and stop spoiling his young adult kids. By the way, his sons also have their mother but I think she expects my boyfriend to contribute more than her and he doesn't tell her anything and lets her get away with it. What are your thoughts about this? Am I right to stop giving him money? He needs to be independent and more responsible.
d0nnivain Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 Your BF is taking advantage. I think you were right to turn off the tap. However, when he stops being able to pay the rent you will eventually have to kick him out & that will be the demise of the relationship. I'm not sure that is a huge loss but it will happen. Do not for one second think he will stop supporting his kids & see reason where you & money are concerned. 6
smackie9 Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 (edited) Ok whoa whoa whoa...he has two sons that should be paying their own way and have jobs. Well I guess this is why we date...to find out what they are like, and he is bad with money...kick to curb is my advice. What a manipulative jerk. Edited January 15, 2020 by smackie9 3
basil67 Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 I think that talking about how you feel is a good start. Have you done this yet? Has he done a budget? If not, would he do a budget? Further to that, there are a lot of questions which are part of the equation. For example, what's the rent like where you are? Is it an expensive area? What kind of job and income does he have? How expensive is the lifestyle you're living? Lots of takeout? I understand that the kids are on his phone plan, but cutting all three off won't necessarily reduce the cost by 3/4, so analyse the effectiveness of the cuts. The easy one is the car. Just tell him that you're not OK with being picked up late and so you need to have the car for yourself. No negotiation.
RecentChange Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 What was he doing a year ago before he started living with you and borrowing money from you? Surviving some how right? He sounds like a leech. Current situation isn't working so he needs to find solutions. A better paying job, side work, something. It's not your responsibility to support him and his children 2 1
Ruby Slippers Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 He's a leech. Never, ever again loan a romantic partner money, and I say this to men and women. Anyone who borrows money from their partner and doesn't make a serious, earnest effort to pay it back promptly is a loser, in my opinion. Personally, I think he's a lost cause who will only drag you down. But if you're determined to stay with him, tell him to pay up everything he owes within 30 days or get out. Write it up in a formal agreement. Anyone, even the sketchiest bum, can get a side job delivering pizzas, spinning signs, doing odd jobs, or similar and make at least $500 extra a week. Please raise your standards. "We accept the love we think we deserve." 3
fishlips Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 I agree with everyone else here. He's taking advantage...kick him to the curb. 1
basil67 Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 1 hour ago, RecentChange said: What was he doing a year ago before he started living with you and borrowing money from you? Surviving some how right? This goes to my question of their current living standards. I wonder if he was living in a cheaper place and living more frugally. 2
preraph Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 Him struggling is not your fault. He could get a second job or some of his sons should help out, work and pay rent. First hiccup and he doesn't pay you what he owes for the month, tell him you're not going to let him stay there. He already owes you money. You'll never see that again. 2
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 4 hours ago, Pinkbird741 said: My message is long but I desperately need advice. My boyfriend has been living in my apartment for a year. We're both adults and he has 3 sons from his previous relationship (ages 15, 18, and 21). We both have jobs and we split the rent and the bills 50/50 but my boyfriend sometimes doesn't have enough money to pay his part of the bills because he has more responsabilities than I have. He still gives money to his sons when they need it. As a result, he's behind with the bills and asks me to borrow money constantly. He has always payed me back but the problem is that it's starting to become a habit for him to always ask me for money instead of being independent. He never has any savings. Right now he owes me $1,800 dollars that I let him borrow last year when he had an emergency. I've been waiting to get that money back for months and he still asks me for more money, which I don't think is right. For example, he wants me to lend him money to pay for his phone service plan, in which his 3 sons are included. Why doesn't he ask his sons to help him pay if he's struggling financially instead of asking me? They're the ones using the cellphone service and they're old enough to help. One of them is in college while the other one works. I think my boyfriend hasn't raised them to be financially independent. Another thing that bothers me is that my boyfriend doesn't have his own car because he gave his car to one of his sons so he could drive around. So while his son is comfortable, my boyfriend is broke and doesn't have a car or money. I guess he's being a good father by making sacrifices but because of this he depends on me. Not only financially but I also let him borrow my car so he can get around. I don't mind if he uses it but sometimes he gets too comfortable. He lets people inside my car without my permission, fills the car with stuff that belongs to him making it look messy and takes my car longer than he should. Sometimes he uses it while I'm at work and he picks me up late when I get off instead of being on time. I feel stupid waiting while everyone is gone by the end of the day when I have my own car. He cleans it and puts gas on it, but I don't think he should take it longer than usual when I'm the one who should be driving it. I told him that I've helped him enough and I'm no longer giving him money and he said: "I'm so disappointed that you think that way" and he thinks I should continue helping him because I'm his girlfriend and he struggles. I think it's important for him to save money, get his own car, and stop spoiling his young adult kids. By the way, his sons also have their mother but I think she expects my boyfriend to contribute more than her and he doesn't tell her anything and lets her get away with it. What are your thoughts about this? Am I right to stop giving him money? He needs to be independent and more responsible. The main problem in this really has nothing to do with your boyfriend. This whole unfair equation has as a main problem, the fact that it has effectively caused YOU to have a mate toward which you feel considerable (and very appropriate) resentment. Him as a unique character is vastly secondary to that... But how in the world is a lady supposed to thrive romantically... sexually... when all of this resentment is so prominent in her every day ??? He appears to be quite the manipulator, and you don't need that either... what would happen if you DTMFA !!!
Ambereyes Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 I suppose if you were his wife, you were sort of obliged to help him financially because your money is his money anyway. But as a GF, you have every right to not want to help him. He may see you as his "wife" now so feels comfortable asking you for money, whereas you are not here yet.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 31 minutes ago, Ambereyes said: I suppose if you were his wife, you were sort of obliged to help him financially because your money is his money anyway. But as a GF, you have every right to not want to help him. He may see you as his "wife" now so feels comfortable asking you for money, whereas you are not here yet. He is not her spouse. No decent person would ever marry a freeloader like this. 1
Ambereyes Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 (edited) 38 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: He is not her spouse. No decent person would ever marry a freeloader like this. I know he is not. But I don't see enough evidence that he is a freeloader. OP only said he doesn't make enough money, didn't say he's lazy, doesn't work, doesn't clean, or doesn't care for her. I mean, lots of women don't make as much money as their men (some even don't work at all and wholly rely on the husband's money) but we cant call them freeloaders because they take care of the family in other non-financial ways. So OP's BF could be the same? Except, of course, they aren't married. And as I said before, OP has every right to not want to keep contributing. Traditionally the man provides more financially than the woman so maybe it's just the other way round in OP's relationship. But if OP is looking for that traditional sort of relationship, the BF is not suitable. Edited January 16, 2020 by Ambereyes 1
Ruby Slippers Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 (edited) Nonsense. He's mooching to pay his grown son's freaking cell phone bill and he's using her car because he gave his to his grown son. Those kids can and should work. I'm a woman and I've been working beyond full time my whole life to take care of business. All these able-bodied young MEN can certainly do the same. It's beyond pathetic that they're not and it's about time this woman is cutting off the gravy train. She doesn't have kids, so he's not doing jack for her tribe. Edited January 16, 2020 by Ruby Slippers 5
MsJayne Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 Yes, he's taking advantage. He's one of those stupid numpties who keep on propping up their free-loading kids way after they've reached adulthood, and he's sponging off you to do it. You know very that if you turn off the supply he'll turn on you and soon the relationship will be over. He's not a man, he's just a male. There's a big difference. 2 1
Ambereyes Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 Yes, totally agree he is not raising his sons perfectly. I never said he should spoil them and use OP's money. Again, OP has every right to stop this. But I kind of wonder what would people say if a man says he helps out his live-in partner because her job is not making too much money. I'm not sure all of you will jump out and accuse her of not working/not working hard enough, or plain call her a leech. Quite frankly I see couples like this all the time. And if the man is wealthy enough, no one really cares. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 If a couple is content with financial imbalances, fine. This woman is obviously not, and with good reason. 1
Ambereyes Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 (edited) 27 minutes ago, S2B said: Speak for yourself! Any woman who’s relying completely on a man to pay her way - I always suggest she work enough to be independent and not to have to rely on her man. In most relationships, one makes more than the other. So one is bound to spend more money than the other. We cant possibly call all the poorer ones freeloaders? I am an independent woman who own my apt. But if I want my dream 1 million house, I will "need help" from my BF who makes 1.5 times more than me. What's wrong with that? And frankly I think this is happening all the time in couples: one pays more than the other. 19 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: If a couple is content with financial imbalances, fine. This woman is obviously not, and with good reason. That's what Im trying to say all this time. of course OP has every right to not continuing, but financial imbalance happens to almost every couple and maybe we dont need to bash him to the ground just yet because we dont really know maybe he is really good otherwise? Maybe he just has a complete different view on money and if OP needed financial help. he'd give all he can? Edited January 16, 2020 by Ambereyes
Ruby Slippers Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 (edited) The OP is questioning whether her guy is taking advantage of her. Most who've replied agree he is. According to scientific studies, the majority of men don't care if they pay more. And according to studies, the vast majority of women do not like paying more. There are exceptions, including a female poster on this board I think is awesome, but we're talking biological statistics here, 80%+. And I know plenty of older men who regret that they didn't select a more financially balanced woman, usually when she takes half his assets in divorce while he works all the time and she enjoys an easy, pampered life, but decides she needs to explore greener pastures elsewhere, on his hard-earned dimes. If I ever have a son or daughter, I'll educate each of them on this matter. Edited January 16, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language 1
Ambereyes Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 2 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: The OP is questioning whether her guy is taking advantage of her. Most who've replied agree he is. According to scientific studies, the majority of men don't care if they pay more. And according to studies, the vast majority of women do not like paying more. There are exceptions, including a female poster on this board I think is awesome, but we're talking biological statistics here, 80%+. Most people here agree because we only know one side of the story, and it's not even a complete story. OP only listed out his disadvantages. Does he have any good virtues? I'm sure he does, or why would OP fall in love with him? We dont know what kind of guy he really is. We arent there to see everything. Personally, I dont like judging people I dont even know. Just because most guys dont mind paying more, doesnt mean they should pay more. And if they dont, they are freeloaders.I think there is nothing with women to pay more if the men need help, and vice versa. There is also nothing wrong if the woman is fed up with paying more and wanting to leave. 3
Ruby Slippers Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 If this was a man telling the exact same story about a woman, I'd say the exact same thing: dump this bum. 2
Ambereyes Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 12 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: And I know plenty of older men who regret that they didn't select a more financially balanced woman, usually when she takes half his s*** in divorce while he works all the time and she enjoys an easy, pampered life, but decides she needs to explore greener pastures elsewhere, on his hard-earned dimes. Sorry, but this is far from the truth. Law is fair. You get how much you contribute. If you didnt pay a dime for the house and never took care of the family, you wouldnt get any after divorce either, doesnt matter woman or man. You really dont get to leech on a rich husband and then divorce him and inherent half the asset to find a younger boy. This is just society trying to make women look bad. In reality women contribute so much in non-financial ways, men just dont see that and only complain bitterly when they need to pay alimony. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 Not really. I know a guy whose wife hid a mountain of debt before marriage, refused to ever work again as soon as she got pregnant, has always used his big salary to pay for nannies, housekeepers, and endless shopping. The only reason he's still with her is he doesn't want to lose half his stuff. This woman is also a leech, though fully protected by the "law"
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