Free2be89 Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 My boyfriend and I have been together for a relatively short amount of time (4 months), but our relationship has progressed very well and I care about him a lot. We've even planned a short trip together to visit his family in his hometown in the upcoming months. He's very supportive, affectionate, great listener, and usually has no problem communicating what's on his mind. A couple of weeks ago, he let me that he lost his full time job for refusing to sign a long term non compete agreement. He let me know that he has a good amount of savings, and that he should be fine for awhile. He has mentioned before wanting to get into another line of work, and joked about this being a blessing in disguise. I let him know that I was there for him, and that he could talk to me about anything if he wanted to vent. Over the past couple of weeks, he's definitely been more distant and moody while mourning the loss of his job and looking for a new one which I totally understand. At times he's snappy and a bit grumpy but always catches himself and apologizes. We're still intimate, but not as much and he's been rather quiet when we stay in/go out. I've been trying to give him the space he needs because I'd probably feel the same way, but that doesn't stop my own personal anxiety from thinking I'm doing/saying something wrong. He still seems very excited for me to meet his family, and keeps turning the focus to planning that trip instead of talking about his feelings. Does anyone have any advice about how should approach this situation, or if there is something I can do/say to help him? 1
preraph Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 You're not living with this guy after just four months are you? I hope not. Anyway as long as you're not living with him, you should just let him set the pace for how often he wants to do something with you. Feel free to say no if it gets real lopsided, but he may need to spend more time to himself or job hunting. And if he's Moody and everything you really don't want to be around him all that much. And you should keep in mind that he might just choose to take a job elsewhere. So there's just no reason to try to escalate the relationship at this time until he's settled in again and you know where he's going to be working and living. 1
healing light Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 At this point, you don't know if he is prone to bouts of moodiness or if this is all job-related, but obviously the latter is a big source of stress for most people. I think you're handling this the right way by giving him some space but also letting him know that you're here in case he needs to talk about it. His being quieter is possibly related to getting more comfortable being around you (in addition to any personal stress), so unless he indicates otherwise, try not to personalize it as something you have done or haven't done. Sounds like he is receptive and apologizing when he crosses the line which are good signs. Take this as an opportunity to evaluate who he is with the changing seasons of life circumstances and see if it works for you. 2
smackie9 Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 What to do? Ask him what would he like to do to take a break from job hunting. Maybe he would like to go fishing...I know I would. 2
Author Free2be89 Posted January 15, 2020 Author Posted January 15, 2020 36 minutes ago, preraph said: You're not living with this guy after just four months are you? I hope not. We aren't living together. When I mentioned staying in I meant hanging out at each others apartments. lol 1
Author Free2be89 Posted January 15, 2020 Author Posted January 15, 2020 5 minutes ago, smackie9 said: What to do? Ask him what would he like to do to take a break from job hunting. Maybe he would like to go fishing...I know I would. That's a great idea, he does love outdoorsy stuff:-) 1
d0nnivain Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 Perhaps do a job search for him & send him some links to jobs he may enjoy (assuming you know enough about him to run such a search). I know I ran a search for my college roommate & found stuff she had overlooked. 2 1
anotherfool Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 (edited) 3 hours ago, d0nnivain said: Perhaps do a job search for him & send him some links to jobs he may enjoy (assuming you know enough about him to run such a search). I know I ran a search for my college roommate & found stuff she had overlooked. I wouldn't do this.... I think it would put pressure on him from you. Edited January 16, 2020 by anotherfool 4 1
basil67 Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 While the above is all good advice, it's important to look at how people cope with adversity when judging for long term potential. 1
d0nnivain Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 13 hours ago, anotherfool said: I wouldn't do this.... I think it would put pressure on him from you. There are low pressure ways to do it. I do it for people all the time & I did it for my husband He actually took the job I found him & has thrived in it. You do the search & see what you find. Then you ask if the job seeker wants some help. If they say yes, you offer up the list. 2
Ruby Slippers Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 15 hours ago, anotherfool said: I wouldn't do this.... I think it would put pressure on him from you. I also wouldn't recommend this, but for different reasons. I personally wouldn't want to be with a guy who lacked initiative to such a degree that he needed me to hold his hand through the job search process. Just be supportive and no pressure. Don't take on his stress or issues. Continue to take good care of yourself and make sure things are working for you.
d0nnivain Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 1 hour ago, Ruby Slippers said: I personally wouldn't want to be with a guy who lacked initiative to such a degree that he needed me to hold his hand through the job search process. I'm not talking about doing this because he can't or won't do it for himself. I'm talking about a concrete thing you can do for somebody who lost their job. It's one of those 2 pairs of eyes is better then 1. Again, I ran a search for my highly qualified incredibly motivated former roommate & I still found things she missed because I was on different websites. I'm talking about performing a kindness for somebody you care about. All the platitudes in the world don't help. Concrete action gets results.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 We'll have to agree to disagree. I'd help my mom, my friends, or coworkers in this way, but not my man. If my man isn't capable of blazing his own career trail, I'm simply not interested. And likewise, I would never, ever want a man to help me with my job search like that, either. In my view, career is a personal thing rooted in drive, ambition, insight, creative thinking, and so many things that are one's own business and nobody else's.
d0nnivain Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 Agree to disagree. Like I said I am the one who pointed my husband at the job he has now that he loves & is truly his calling. I just happened to see the ad. In that instance I didn't go looking for it. I just passed it along. He may never have found it, not because he wasn't actively looking. It was just that I saw it so I shared.
fishlips Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 All you can do is be supportive and let him know that you are there if he wants to talk. Don't pressure him to talk, though. Let him come to you if he wants it. I know it's hard to sit around, but that's all you can do right now. Being moody is okay, as long as he isn't abusive. This is probably hard on him. 1
alphamale Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 there is not much you can do. a lot of mens' self-esteem and self-worth is tied to their job and making money. their job defines who they are. but he'll get a new job fairly quickly so don't worry too much 2 1
manfrombelow2 Posted February 7, 2020 Posted February 7, 2020 Just leave him alone and don't belittle him for the fact that now he is being broke.
Fletch Lives Posted February 7, 2020 Posted February 7, 2020 Men sometimes handle things differently, go into their cave so to speak, and work out problems in their own head. Some pop-psychology would have you believe this is bad. It's not, it's just men. Just relax, don't make a mountain out of a molehill, and be there for him. 2
Gr8fuln2020 Posted February 7, 2020 Posted February 7, 2020 On 1/15/2020 at 5:27 PM, anotherfool said: I wouldn't do this.... I think it would put pressure on him from you. I would agree with this unless you ask him if he wants assistance and he accepts.
SumGuy Posted February 7, 2020 Posted February 7, 2020 Agree being supportive and giving him space to work this through is best. It sucks and is one of the most stressful things you can go through. It's also the inherent audacity and injustice of it all, a company ask you to sign away your ability to work for years what? I doubt there is any more money or a contract for employment or severance, etc., and suspect they still have the right to fire you at any time for any reason. All the more reason to move to a state (assuming this is the US) where non-competes are illegal, or at least a state where they are short term. Being treated so unjustly also has an impact on a person.
Recommended Posts