Author Emery1623 Posted January 16, 2020 Author Posted January 16, 2020 Thanks everyone. We talked a bit last night and I think we both understand each other better so now I am going to give it some time to see how things develop. By complimentary I didn’t mean that I need to be flattered all day every day but a “You look nice” or “I’m excited to see you later” that kind of thing. He has improved a bit with that already. I’m not insecure in the sense that I think he’s off talking to other women or lying about things. Due to my childhood and family relationships I have a hard time trusting that someone will be there tomorrow so the beginning part of new relationships tend to bring this fear out. And yes when we go out he is “interesting.” I am on the quiet, introverted side and even on our first date we talked a lot and joke around. His demeanor brings me out of my shell a lot more than past relationships have which is nice. When we are around his friends in a group he usually has his hand on my leg and includes me in the conversation.
Author Emery1623 Posted March 15, 2020 Author Posted March 15, 2020 Just wanted to update everyone that he dumped he yesterday and said that he wasn’t developing romantic feelings for me. I wish he’d talked to me about before considering two weeks ago we flew across the country and he met my parents and last weekend we drove four hours so I could meet some of his friends. We also had sex four times in the last week so yeah... feeling pretty stupid and used.
FMW Posted March 15, 2020 Posted March 15, 2020 Sorry to hear that Emery. Flying across the country to meet your parents was a big deal - I don't understand why he would do that if "wasn't developing romantic feelings" for you. Sheesh. 1
Uptown182 Posted March 15, 2020 Posted March 15, 2020 So sorry to hear that...something doesn’t add up though, why would he travel across the country to meet your parents if he has no romantic feelings for you? Makes no sense.
simpycurious Posted March 15, 2020 Posted March 15, 2020 8 minutes ago, Uptown182 said: So sorry to hear that...something doesn’t add up though, why would he travel across the country to meet your parents if he has no romantic feelings for you? Makes no sense. I am with Uptown on this. Why take that step (meeting your family) especially going cross country to do so. Did something happen or not go well since you got back or maybe when you were there or with his friends?
Author Emery1623 Posted March 15, 2020 Author Posted March 15, 2020 We had an awesome time on the trip. I still felt like he wasn’t opening up to me and I found out he had been talking to another girl about our relationship. I was hurt because he was sharing that part of himself with her and not me. This was the night before we were supposed to go by his friends. We ended up talking and he said he still wanted me to come. I went and again we had a good time. That was last weekend. We talked about some things on the way back and after processing everything I wanted to get deeper on a few things. Friday he got together with a friend and it went late. He asked if he could come over with his dog and spend the night. Later he texted me that he was done and had started to fall asleep at their friends house and I told him that he could just go home and rest and we would get together Saturday. Saturday morning he texted me that it wasn’t working for either of us and I’m a great person but he can’t be with me.
Miss Spider Posted March 15, 2020 Posted March 15, 2020 I’m sorry. He didn’t give compliments, so good riddance. I like words of affirmation from a partner way too much to settle for less and I think you feel the same .
simpycurious Posted March 15, 2020 Posted March 15, 2020 28 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: I’m sorry. He didn’t give compliments, so good riddance. I like words of affirmation from a partner way too much to settle for less and I think you feel the same . And if you are really into someone don’t you want to compliment them? To tell them How beautiful they are, how much you think of them? 1
Uptown182 Posted March 15, 2020 Posted March 15, 2020 1 hour ago, Emery1623 said: We had an awesome time on the trip. I still felt like he wasn’t opening up to me and I found out he had been talking to another girl about our relationship. I was hurt because he was sharing that part of himself with her and not me. This was the night before we were supposed to go by his friends. We ended up talking and he said he still wanted me to come. I went and again we had a good time. That was last weekend. We talked about some things on the way back and after processing everything I wanted to get deeper on a few things. Friday he got together with a friend and it went late. He asked if he could come over with his dog and spend the night. Later he texted me that he was done and had started to fall asleep at their friends house and I told him that he could just go home and rest and we would get together Saturday. Saturday morning he texted me that it wasn’t working for either of us and I’m a great person but he can’t be with me. I can understand talking to another girl about your relationship if he was trying to get some advice or a female perspective. I talk to my guy friends about my relationship. Do you know this friend he was out with?
Uptown182 Posted March 15, 2020 Posted March 15, 2020 What do you mean by he hasn’t been opening up to you? im thinking he might’ve grown tired of the issues you were bringing up, even though you had every right to. He might’ve felt like he had to keep explaining himself, and that can get emotionally exhausting. I think he may have been correct in that perhaps you two are just not compatible for the long term. But I don’t think this had anything to do with a lack of romantic feelings, sometimes romantic feelings are just not enough to make a relationship work. 1
Author Emery1623 Posted March 16, 2020 Author Posted March 16, 2020 Thanks everyone for the insight. Looking back I do think he is avoidant and I am anxious (which I knew about myself and am working on). So him not expressing things made me more anxious and drove him to shut down more. All of his exes cheated on him and left to be with other men, I am guessing because of the lack of emotional intimacy. Y’all were right. He didn’t seem avoidant in the beginning but once things started getting serious it came out more and it brought out more of the anxious side of me.
Author Emery1623 Posted March 16, 2020 Author Posted March 16, 2020 By not opening up I mean he didn’t ever express how he felt about things. That he liked me, excited to me me... that sort of thing. He just said if he didn’t want to be with me he wouldn’t have been with me. The other day when we talked about he broke up with me he brought up a night we were out with his friends over a month ago. I was exhausted and started having signs on an oncoming panic attack so I told him I would Uber home and he could stay out with his friends. Apparently he thought that I was mad that he was out with his friends even though I had explained to him the reason why I had wanted to leave. He had never brought it up again but I guess it was festering this whole time along with who knows what else. That’s why I would try to talk with him because I wanted things like that to be open so they didn’t build resentment as I know that happened in my past relationship and I was trying to be more mindful of that.
Calmandfocused Posted March 16, 2020 Posted March 16, 2020 Op, your man has severe emotional constipation. He sounds like painful hard work. Could he be autistic op? Something seems a little off regarding his social norms and behaviour. Just a thought that crossed my mind. In any event the fact that he doesn’t “do” relationships and prefers being on his own was your clue that he doesn’t function well in relationships. He probably has no idea how to conduct himself In a relationship and it’s not your job to teach him. Find someone else who is more open and able to connect with you on an emotional level. 1
Mystery4u Posted March 16, 2020 Posted March 16, 2020 17 minutes ago, Emery1623 said: By not opening up I mean he didn’t ever express how he felt about things. That he liked me, excited to me me... that sort of thing. He just said if he didn’t want to be with me he wouldn’t have been with me. The other day when we talked about he broke up with me he brought up a night we were out with his friends over a month ago. I was exhausted and started having signs on an oncoming panic attack so I told him I would Uber home and he could stay out with his friends. Apparently he thought that I was mad that he was out with his friends even though I had explained to him the reason why I had wanted to leave. He had never brought it up again but I guess it was festering this whole time along with who knows what else. That’s why I would try to talk with him because I wanted things like that to be open so they didn’t build resentment as I know that happened in my past relationship and I was trying to be more mindful of that. It might not seem it now, but it's actually a good thing you are not together any more. I only just started reading the thread and was planning to post to advise you to break up in order to be happy, as I have been there, done that. Sorry to hear he got there first. My ex girlfriend was very much like your ex boyfriend. She never met my expectations of what I wanted in a relationship. Emotionally and physically it just wasn't enough for me. We tried and tried to make it work for a long time, but breaking up with her was the best decision I ever made. My new girlfriend is the complete opposite. Just the small things make such a difference. Telling me I'm so handsome whenever I send her a pic, that she misses me every day, can't wait to see me and kiss me again, that she is LUCKY to have me in her life. When together, if we are out eating somewhere and I ask her if she wants to eat anything else, her response 'I want to eat you ;p' is just music to my ears. Tells me she's craving my tongue because it feels so good when I'm tasting her. Always touching a part of each other when together, jumping on me to make love when we haven't seen each other for a while. Happy to give not just receive because she wants me to be happy. I can feel the love 1000x more than I did with my ex. Off course I do all the same back as I want her to feel like the princess that she is. I guess my point is now you know exactly what you want from a relationship, and one day you will find that person who will match all those expectations and then some. 1
Author Emery1623 Posted March 16, 2020 Author Posted March 16, 2020 His first GF cheated on him when he was 16 and he didn’t date anyone for two years after that. Then his dad passed away from cancer when he was 17. I think those two things engrained in his mind that if he loves someone he is going to lose them so he doesn’t really let people in.... hence his next two girlfriends leaving him and immediately being in relationships with other people. I did bring this up to him and he said it is probably true. I think I felt like if it was patient and loving he would realize he could trust me but I sacrificed so much of what I needed trying to make him feel safe. I definitely made mistakes and pushed him and should have believed him the first time with things but I also think it’s unfair that he wasn’t compassionate and understanding of my shortcomings. And it was unfair for him to not let me know when something bothered him when he was obviously holding it against me. I can’t fix things and don’t always realize how things I do come off to other people if I’m not made aware of them. I actually do think I am be on the autism spectrum. I guess it is true that we accept the love we think we deserve. I felt like I was very giving toward him.. I would make dinner 3+ times a week for us and pack leftovers for his lunches, hang out with his friends, intimately I was definitely more giving... sorry if this is TMI but I would do oral on him 3-4 times a week and I got it three times during the course of our three month relationship... looking back I am hurt but I am starting to see his unmatched the effort was. I think he was along for the ride when it was easy and fun and I was kind of the work horse He is a really good person which is part of what makes it hard. Usually after a break up I am angry and find things to hate about them to get through the first few days and This time I just feel overwhelming sad. I truly want him to be happy and I hope he can leave to open up and trust because I don’t think anyone will hang around long with the little bit of love he is willing to give. I know I am to blame for some things also. I am so grateful to everyone here for your insight and support. It’s giving me the clarity on the situation that I needed. I have recently started therapy for my anxiety again but it is helpful to get the feedback here and hopefully I can stop feeling like if I’d done this or that or hadn’t done this or that that it would have worked... because I think until he is able to open himself to getting and giving love that no relationship is going to really work for him.
spiderowl Posted March 17, 2020 Posted March 17, 2020 He is used to being alone and has been cheated on in all his previous relationships. Those women can’t have all been bad. His background and the way you were feeling from very early on were a warning signal. You have not done anything wrong. He was not meeting your needs. There will be someone out there for you who is capable of warmth and emotional intimacy. X 1
simpycurious Posted March 17, 2020 Posted March 17, 2020 17 minutes ago, spiderowl said: He is used to being alone and has been cheated on in all his previous relationships. Those women can’t have all been bad. His background and the way you were feeling from very early on were a warning signal. You have not done anything wrong. He was not meeting your needs. There will be someone out there for you who is capable of warmth and emotional intimacy. X Spider is right. He just was not right for you. You can explain his behavior or lack thereof on previous relationships or WHATEVER but in the end he just did NOT do or act the way you want a man too. So, you just need a different guy. It's a bad thing to need or want WHAT YOU NEED AND WANT. 1
simpycurious Posted March 17, 2020 Posted March 17, 2020 15 minutes ago, simpycurious said: Spider is right. He just was not right for you. You can explain his behavior or lack thereof on previous relationships or WHATEVER but in the end he just did NOT do or act the way you want a man too. So, you just need a different guy. It's a bad thing to need or want WHAT YOU NEED AND WANT. sorry NOT a bad thing..... 1
scooby-philly Posted March 18, 2020 Posted March 18, 2020 Let's stop the bashing the guy for a second. It takes two to Tango as they say. No, I don't think he's perfect and no, I don't think she's a b*. They are two people, flawed in their own way, who were not compatible in the long run. He may be avoidant, given what the OP shared. And that would certainly explain his sudden, rash decision after meeting her parents - though at 2-3 months when it involves flying half-way across the country (or was it completely across the country) - was probably a rushed idea, and would fit with what he apparently shared with the OP about getting cheated on and then him rushing into another relationship. And yes, he probably needs to work on his attachment style and his fear of abandonment. BUT....having someone sit down for a "talk" the first month in isn't fun either. As someone said - you love someone for who they are NOW. Because we all change over time and the only way to build a strong enough, deep enough relationship that lasts over time as both parties evolve is to love the person NOW. Let's chalk this off to compatibility issues and let's hope both parties work on themselves a bit 2 1
Miss Spider Posted March 18, 2020 Posted March 18, 2020 (edited) I generally agree with what you’re saying, scooby. It is not his fault, but he still doesn’t seem like an ideal dating partner Edited March 18, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1
simpycurious Posted March 18, 2020 Posted March 18, 2020 I am with you Ms Cookie. He just doesn't seem like someone she needs to date. We are AL "flawed" in some way or the other but that doesn't mean we can't find someone that we CAN click with. Is it hard, it sure is hard but it CAN happen. 2
Author Emery1623 Posted March 18, 2020 Author Posted March 18, 2020 Thanks everyone. He definitely is not a good person. Just not a good partner for most people. I am sad for him and I hope he will meet someone that he is able to open up to and be happy. He really does deserve it. Just because two decent people meet doesn’t mean it will be a good relationship. I think that’s the problem. It wasn’t there anything was wrong but that connection and passion wasn’t there. We were intimate often but honestly it was more out of convenience then ever feeling like I really wanted and needed him. I remember the last time we had sex before the break up he rolled over and fell asleep and I just felt so disconnected and kind of repulsed almost and just wanted him to leave which obviously is not the feeling you should have when you’re with someone that is a good fit. I am going to take some time to get right in my head before I start dating again. Thanks everyone. 2
scooby-philly Posted March 18, 2020 Posted March 18, 2020 17 hours ago, Cookiesandough said: I generally agree with what you’re saying, scooby. It is not his fault, but he still doesn’t seem like an ideal dating partner Exactly my point - the right person may come along for him - and he does, apparently, need some work. But for the sake of the OP it's not about what was "wrong with him" but that they weren't not compatible as is he right now as a person and for both of their sakes she should (and seems to be) moving on.
Recommended Posts