dramallama Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 10 hours ago, elaine567 said: Too many women get caught up with guys like this. Nice guy, he just needs some work, she will change him, he will come out of his shell for her... she will gain his trust. BUT They are too closed off and whilst they can peek out of their shell long enough to find a woman, they then rapidly go back in and she is left in a lonely and unfulfilling marriage... This 100% - Dear Reader, I married him. And am now divorced, having become so, so desperately lonely that I knew I couldn't stand another 40+ years of it so it was suicide or divorce. I'm a mum, or I'd have gone for the former given how I felt. I'd say cut your losses and say goodbye. 2 1
Author Emery1623 Posted January 15, 2020 Author Posted January 15, 2020 We’ve been officially dating for a month with a few weeks of talking beforehand.
rjc149 Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 (edited) 17 minutes ago, kendahke said: 2nd attempt: OP--how long have you two been dating? She said one month exclusively, they’ve known each other for a few years prior. Edited January 15, 2020 by rjc149
preraph Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 You are about to embark on a completely futile journey trying to change a man's basic personalilty. You can't change someone to suit you. They are who they are. If they have something serious needs to be fixed (like you being needy) then they can try therapy, but it generally takes years and doesn't always work. Telling a man you want to be complimented and all that is just high school stuff. Dating is to find out if you like a person the way they are. You don't. Making someone say something isn't fulfilling because you MADE them say it. You date someone long enough to find out if you are good together and you break it off as soon as you know you're not and are dissatisfied. The way to get to know a man is to see what he will do of his own momentum. Then you know his limitis. Certainly not every guy is going to make a habit of complimenting you, and when they do it's usually going to be to get sex. I mean, normal would be if he picked you up for a date at a nice restaurant and you dressed up and he said, "You look nice." But it's not something you should have to do in a fake way to keep someone happy. 3
Author Emery1623 Posted January 15, 2020 Author Posted January 15, 2020 Maybe I am off but I don’t really see a lot of avoidant traits in him. He’s been very open when I’ve brought things up and has never withdrawn. I asked if he would prefer to text or talk in person and he asked if he could come over tonight once I was done work. He’s made references to the future about introducing me to his hobby and coming with me to things that I enjoy. I think he is a bit closed off with sharing his feelings but I also recognize I tend to be a bit on anxious side. I don’t think it’s necessarily that I want him to change. I want to understand him better and open up a bit and make sure we are on the same page.
preraph Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 I didn't say he was avoidant. I'm just saying it's not his nature to be flattering you and trying to charm you, which all goes away anyway after a point. You are trying to change him if you were thinking about "sitting him down" about it. Just see who he is. I can tell you who he's not, and it's a guy in a rom com. 3 1
Author Emery1623 Posted January 15, 2020 Author Posted January 15, 2020 Not you. A lot of people before had brought him up being avoidant. I honestly felt like he may just be more cautious and move slower than other men I have dated and am used to. I felt my anxiety is the larger problem that needs to be addressed so am surprised by several of the responses I have gotten but appreciate everyone’s perspective. 1
Miss Spider Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 Maybe he just doesn’t know that she needs that. I’ve seen cases where the girl here needed more communication from their bf (“good morning/night texts etc) and she told them and they fixed it. Is that “changing” them
MaleIntuition Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 26 minutes ago, Emery1623 said: Not you. A lot of people before had brought him up being avoidant. I honestly felt like he may just be more cautious and move slower than other men I have dated and am used to. I felt my anxiety is the larger problem that needs to be addressed so am surprised by several of the responses I have gotten but appreciate everyone’s perspective. Your anxiety and emotional neediness is indeed the problem (or at least it’s A problem), and a problem you should work on regardless of the outcome of this relationship. Nothing of what you have said indicates that he isn’t interested or serious. 2 2
preraph Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 Maybe you want to get in therapy and find out the root of your neediness and work on that so that you don't create the things you fear the worst in relationships and have unwavering expectations.
Malin889 Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 You seem to be moving very fast for 2 people who have only been dating a month. This is the time things should be fun, you shouldn't need to have "talks", you know? A couple questions - you said he's had a few relationships but for the most part has been alone - how old is he? How long have these relationships of his been? You said you've been hanging around with his friends a lot - that's great but maybe you should spend more time going on dates 1-on-1. I know when I start dating someone, I want to get to know the other person first, and then not be introduced to their family and friends or meet my family and friends until further down the line, once I'm comfortable with them and know that I want him to stick around for the long run, you know? You said you have your life together -- does he? 6
Author Emery1623 Posted January 15, 2020 Author Posted January 15, 2020 He is 34. I think his longest relationship is around the two year mark. Usually we meet up with his friends for dinner or a couple drinks and then finish out the night alone at one of our houses. And yes, he has like life together also. Homeowner, good career, hobbies and a close group of friends that he sees often.
preraph Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 But if you don't like his basic personality or you're too insecure to accept him the way he is, it's not going to work. 2 1
Saracena Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 51 minutes ago, Malin889 said: You said you've been hanging around with his friends a lot - that's great but maybe you should spend more time going on dates 1-on-1. Yes, I was going to comment on this as well as I find this a bit strange. In fact, I'm wondering why he does this. At this rate it will take much, much longer to feel more comfortable in each others' company, get to know each other if your dates include his friends.
Miss Spider Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 Finding a guy who likes to gas up and dote on the woman he’s dating would be a lot cheaper and more effective than therapy. This is literally like 99% of men 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 Not that I think two "needy" people should necessarily be together (hello codependency), but when one is "needy" (as you've said you might be) and the other is more independent, relationships are very, very hard. I personally don't think they make very good matches. 3
preraph Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 Even with two needy people, the insecurity can ruin a relationship. False accusations, etc. The answer is to fix it. 1
DKT3 Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 Your insecurities seem to be if he really likes you. I believe in time his actions will provide you with the answer. Too many people (especially here on this site) have made the mistake of buying words. Words are easy for most, showing it in actions take effort and people who dont like you tend to fall short there. All of this stuff about fixing this and changing that isnt how you make a relationship work...not long term anyways. Long term healthy relationship requires empathy, patience and understanding. You simply have to accept some flaws when overshadowed by positives. I believe in time when the trust grows that these issues will seem minor. Dont over think it. Enjoy it for what it is now, if you dont see growth in your areas of concern in a few months then revisit it. 3
Author Emery1623 Posted January 16, 2020 Author Posted January 16, 2020 Thank you DKT3. I think you nailed it.
shingsing007 Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 (edited) Give the guy some time. If you really like him and he's been single for most of his life, then being in a relationship is an overwhelming thing for him. Be patient. Let him come out of his shell a bit, give it 6 months... Edit: Also, work on your insecurities. Edited January 16, 2020 by shingsing007 1
fishlips Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 Is he interesting when you get together? If so, give him time. My husband had a wall around him when we met, but he was interesting enough that I stuck around. It took a long time to really get to know him. If he doesn't talk to you, then dump him. He seems to have friends. Does he pay attention to you? As for needing him to verbally reassure you, that's not going to bode well in the long run. You don't need reassurance from other people. It has to come from you.
rjc149 Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 1 hour ago, shingsing007 said: Give the guy some time. If you really like him and he's been single for most of his life, then being in a relationship is an overwhelming thing for him. Be patient. Let him come out of his shell a bit, give it 6 months... Edit: Also, work on your insecurities. I’d say the majority of women, especially anxiously attached women in their 30s, aren’t giving a guy half a year to come out of his shell. Not ones with other dating options, anyways. Which 90% of women have. 1
stillafool Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 19 hours ago, Cookiesandough said: Finding a guy who likes to gas up and dote on the woman he’s dating would be a lot cheaper and more effective than therapy. This is literally like 99% of men Yeah but who has time or even wants to gas up and dote on someone all the time. That is way to much work unless you're dealing with a newborn. 2
elaine567 Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 It is not just the lack of compliments it is also the lack of "depth". After only a month, she feels she needs to have a sit down "talk"... It doesn't bode well. 1
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