Emery1623 Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 I have recently stated seeing someone new and am kind of at a loss. We are both mid-30’s. I’ve had several long term relationships and some dating in between. He has had a few relationships but has been single for the majority of his life Including the last few years. We get along great, however, I feel like there is a disconnect on the emotional side and also the physical side at times. He isn’t very verbally expressive of his feelings or complimentary. He does text good morning every day and some small talk through out the day and always says good night. He’s acknowledged he isn’t good at the dating side and is used to being alone. I have brought it up a few times and he says he is happy and likes me and it’s early and to be patient. I will admit I can be emotionally needy and insecure at times and I am not sure if it’s my own issues that are the driving force behind these feelings or not. He has introduced me to almost all of his friends and we have spent time with them several times a week. How do I find a balance between my needs and what he is able to give early on? I am used to a lot of verbal affirmation and am not sure how to trust in the relationship without that. I don’t know if it’s not a good fit or we are just operating at different speeds and I need to be patient. It’s been about a month and we are exclusive and have been intimate. I think I am a decent catch (attractive, good job, have my life together for the most part). I tend to be very thoughtful in that I remember little things, stock his favorite drinks, etc. and at times I think it makes my partners and friends think I am trying to get them to stick around or like me but I do these things because I like to show people they matter to me. I am fine on my own and I think partners have a tendency to forget that and take me for granted. I don’t know if any of this actually makes sense but I am looking for any feedback or insight. I have been to therapy in the past, however, financially it isn’t an option right now. Any book recommendations would be great too. Thanks to anyone who reads this and takes the time to reply.
elaine567 Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 (edited) 17 minutes ago, Emery1623 said: has been single for the majority of his life Including the last few years. 17 minutes ago, Emery1623 said: He isn’t very verbally expressive of his feelings or complimentary. He does text good morning every day and some small talk through out the day and always says good night. He’s acknowledged he isn’t good at the dating side and is used to being alone. Forget about analysing yourself, the problem is the above. He manages the easy stuff, the "Good morning", the "Good night", the "OMG, its raining again, I'm going to get wet", ... etc. but when you look for any depth it isn't there. That is why he is always single. Edited January 15, 2020 by elaine567 5
Author Emery1623 Posted January 15, 2020 Author Posted January 15, 2020 (edited) That is what I am afraid of. It is progressing but slowly. I don’t want to push him too far out of his comfort zone but I feel like the slow progression and closed offness is out of my comfort zone. He is a really great person and I would like to give it a bit more time but I have concerns about if he will ever be able to meet me on the level I am looking for. And obviously I have my own flaws that I am trying to be aware of how they could contribute. Edited January 15, 2020 by Emery1623
elaine567 Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 Too many women get caught up with guys like this. Nice guy, he just needs some work, she will change him, he will come out of his shell for her... she will gain his trust. BUT They are too closed off and whilst they can peek out of their shell long enough to find a woman, they then rapidly go back in and she is left in a lonely and unfulfilling marriage... If you are the needy and insecure type then the last thing you need is some guy who will feed your anxiety and insecurity with issues of his own. Start looking for confident, secure, reliable, straightforward men. Their confidence and bravery will rub off on you, and forget about the wounded souls... 2
Foxhall Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 I can relate to your guys mindset, he is used to the bachelor lifestyle and not quite comfortable yet with the whole relationship dynamic, I would imagine like myself he is doing the best he can and needs time from you to allow him grow into the relationship, this could take up to 12 months and your only together one month yet?? take a deep breathe give it time.
JTSW Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 Hi Emery, Foxhall is right, you need to give him time to adjust and grow into the relationship. He'll get to know you over time and get to know your likes and dislikes. It's still all new and you barely know each other yet. It's going well. Don't write him off. Don't panic, just go with the flow and take it one day at a time. 1
Author Emery1623 Posted January 15, 2020 Author Posted January 15, 2020 I am struggling to feel secure with knowing if he actually likes me and could see this going somewhere or if it’s just that I’m available and convenient. I feel like I might need to sit down with him and have a talk about all of this. I don’t think it’s fair to either to us as I do feel somewhat rejected and am starting to feel a bit resentful about some things. Emotionally and physically I am a lot more giving in the relationship thus far.
stillafool Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 You say "rejected". Did he actually reject you in some way. From what you describe it seems you do get together often and he contacts you. This would be enough for me in a new relationship but not nearly enough for you. I think you two are not compatible. I don't see him changing that much in a year from now.
rjc149 Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 Your boyfriend is exactly like I am, avoidant. I dated a woman who was anxious and emotionally needy, like I'm guessing you are. Reading through your posts, it's eerie how similar my situation was to yours. She needed lots of communication, reassurance, affirmations of affection, and intimacy. She was hyper-sensitive to any sign of distancing or rejection and would be really hurt if I didn't remember the name of a movie we saw together, etc. I was, and am, very uncomfortable with closeness and intimacy because I hate seeing myself as emotionally dependent on anyone, and I'm afraid of getting hurt again. I've never had a relationship that lasted more than a year. Our situation was long distance, so the general lack of affection and warmth, and frequency, in my communication, in addition to her hyper-sensitivity to distancing and rejection, was compounded by my physical absence. My texts were typically "hey how are you" in the evening. She didn't even get 'good morning' texts from me and I would often go a day or two without texting her at all. I frequently acted in a way that made her feel neglected and rejected, oftentimes without even realizing I was routinely triggering her emotional anxiety. She was frustrated at her making more effort and caring more about our relationship than I seemed to. I loved her. I wanted to be with her. I was scared of having feelings for her so strong and overpowering, so my way of dealing with that was to keep a safe distance, keep her at arm's length. It was my way of maintaining a feeling of security, safety, and control over the situation, but when she started seeing another guy in her town, I was devastated. It was only after that pain that I realized I shouldn't have expected any other result, and that's when I started learning about relationships and about myself. He's avoidant, you're anxious, and while those two attachment types are drawn to each other like magnets, they are not compatible long-term. Someone gets fed up with unmet needs, or feelings of neglect, or feelings of being smothered. Both partners need to work toward being secure. Your relationship, in its current iteration, will eventually fail. My only suggestion is to tell your boyfriend, honestly and fully, how you feel and what you need from him. Acting out in resentment and frustration, expecting him to know better when he really doesn't, or trying to manipulate the situation with threats, will only push him away. 3 1
kendahke Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 9 hours ago, Emery1623 said: I have recently stated seeing someone new How long have you two known one another/been dating? 8 hours ago, Emery1623 said: He’s acknowledged he isn’t good at the dating side and is used to being alone. Ignore this statement at your own emotional peril This is an admission you should not gloss over or think of as an invite to renovate him. He isn't good at dating and he's used to being alone--that is where you start with him because that is "what it"--"what you wished he'd be" isn't part of his equation. 8 hours ago, Emery1623 said: I will admit I can be emotionally needy and insecure at times This is a combination that is not going to work out, if these two stances are your default positions when in relationships. He doesn't have the legs to go the distance with an emotionally needy/insecure person and you don't have the patience to wait out his hibernations without getting triggered. You got into a relationship with emotional landmines laying around without the benefit of a map as to where they're laid out... without that map, you're going to be blowing emotional limbs off trying to keep someone who isn't capable of being who/what you need. Here's the thing: he has to want to accommodate your needs and insecurities and do it consistently. Does he? Quote I think I am a decent catch (attractive, good job, have my life together for the most part). I tend to be very thoughtful in that I remember little things, stock his favorite drinks, etc. and at times I think it makes my partners and friends think I am trying to get them to stick around or like me but I do these things because I like to show people they matter to me. Don't cast pearls before swine. If you think all of the above is true about you, then don't waste time with a man who isn't checking for you in that way and won't arse himself to reciprocate. Don't squander your youth behind someone who isn't making any effort in tangible ways to your satisfaction. It's time you'll never get back. 3
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Emery1623 said: I am struggling to feel secure with knowing if he actually likes me and could see this going somewhere or if it’s just that I’m available and convenient. I feel like I might need to sit down with him and have a talk about all of this. I don’t think it’s fair to either to us as I do feel somewhat rejected and am starting to feel a bit resentful about some things. Emotionally and physically I am a lot more giving in the relationship thus far. I've been in your shoes and IMO, sitting him down for a talk is the worst way to handle this. You will come across as desperate and nagging, and this will create a downward spiral in your relationship. What you need to do is show him with ACTIONS that you aren't going to wait around for him. What I realized about myself in my situation is that if I had enough time to analyze his texting/communication pattern, then I wasn't busy enough with friends, me time and activities--I was putting all my eggs in one basket (him). If he doesn't start coming around ON HIS OWN soon, then you have your answer that he either isn't really into you, has some sort of attachment issue, or you two just aren't compatible. You never want to force a man to be how you think he should be. This creates resentment and then a loss of attraction. Either accept him as he is, or move on. Edited January 15, 2020 by GeorgiaPeach1 2 1
Author Emery1623 Posted January 15, 2020 Author Posted January 15, 2020 I don’t know if he’s necessarily classic avoidant. I feel like he’s a mix of avoidant and secure. I have brought things up a couple times and he has apologized and said he isn’t aware of some of the things he is doing and has asked me to be patient with him. He and his friends are really open with each other about relationship stuff and he told them the other day that he liked that I let him know what he’s “being dumb” (his words) instead of ignoring it and blowing up later. He is coming over tonight to talk and we will see what happens. I do plan on letting him know why I am feeling the way I am and letting him know what I need. I definitely don’t plan on playing games or trying to manipulate him into doing or saying things he isn’t comfortable with.
elaine567 Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 9 hours ago, Emery1623 said: I feel like there is a disconnect on the emotional side and also the physical side at times. How does the disconnect on the physical side manifest itself?
Author Emery1623 Posted January 15, 2020 Author Posted January 15, 2020 He tends to be the one to initiate intimacy but when it comes to getting down to business I do most of the work so to speak. He has admitted not having a ton of experience and that he winds himself up about not being able to do something well. I’ve been open about what I like and have tried to be encouraging... telling him I will let him know what feels good to me and that we will figure things out together... but I still sense some hesitation at times about trying different things although he has seemed more open lately. 1
SunnySide0418 Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 How long have you been dating him? This seems pretty heavy conversation of it's only been a month.
rjc149 Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 He needs to *want* to improve his abilities as your lover, but you need to clarify that he's coming up short. Otherwise he may not realize it. If he makes the effort, you'll need to meet his efforts halfway. Men who are not inherently expressive or emotional are not going to become expressive and emotional on a dime. They can only become better versions on themselves. He can only become an avoidant man who makes the effort to be more open with you. His attempts to meet you halfway may still fall short of what you need. Sooner or later you'll need to accept that, or find someone who is more naturally compatible with your attachment style. You'll just have to be aware that inherently expressive and emotional men also tend to be needy and insecure. 1
stillafool Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 14 minutes ago, Emery1623 said: He tends to be the one to initiate intimacy but when it comes to getting down to business I do most of the work so to speak. He has admitted not having a ton of experience and that he winds himself up about not being able to do something well. I’ve been open about what I like and have tried to be encouraging... telling him I will let him know what feels good to me and that we will figure things out together... but I still sense some hesitation at times about trying different things although he has seemed more open lately. Okay this is where I would not have the patience considering he's a 38 year old man. 1 1
stillafool Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 40 minutes ago, Emery1623 said: I don’t know if he’s necessarily classic avoidant. I feel like he’s a mix of avoidant and secure. I have brought things up a couple times and he has apologized and said he isn’t aware of some of the things he is doing and has asked me to be patient with him. He and his friends are really open with each other about relationship stuff and he told them the other day that he liked that I let him know what he’s “being dumb” (his words) instead of ignoring it and blowing up later. He is coming over tonight to talk and we will see what happens. I do plan on letting him know why I am feeling the way I am and letting him know what I need. I definitely don’t plan on playing games or trying to manipulate him into doing or saying things he isn’t comfortable with. Let this be the last talk with him for a while. You've already brought this up a couple of times. Don't get in the habit of being his mom telling him how he should act. He understands and if there if no improvement you need to bail. Talking about the same thing over and over get's boring and stale fast. 1 1
Author Emery1623 Posted January 15, 2020 Author Posted January 15, 2020 The other “talks” were just two quick conversations via text... me letting him know something had bothered me with him seeming to understand where I was coming from and then we moved on. This will be the first time with me letting him know how I am feeling overall and what I am looking for out of the relationship. I definitely do not want him to feel like I am being his mom and am hoping we can both be open and find ways to move forward that will be good for both of us... or to move on if one or both of us doesn’t think we can be more accommodating of the others needs.
Interstellar Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 (edited) Been intimate in a month isn’t progressing slowly. How does he treat you? does he take you out on dates? is he respectful? affectionate? a gentleman? does he check out other women in your presence? does he talk about other women? This relationship and this guy is too new to rate. You can’t know somebody in one month, try two years. I’d say the same thing if the man is asking the question, and the fact that you’ve already been intimate in a month muddies the waters. Edited January 15, 2020 by Interstellar
elaine567 Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 10 hours ago, Emery1623 said: . He has introduced me to almost all of his friends and we have spent time with them several times a week. Do you think he may be using his friends to better "connect" with you?
Miss Spider Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 The only thing I can suggest here is to communicate. Don’t do it in an accusatory way. Just sit down and explain how it would make you happier if he would compliment you. Etc. If you can’t communicate your needs or he doesn’t heed your words, then that’s just who they are and as good as the relationship will get 1
Author Emery1623 Posted January 15, 2020 Author Posted January 15, 2020 He treats me very well in that regard. He has taken me out on a few one on one dates as well as several outings with his friends. He is affectionate towards me infront of his friends but not obnoxiously so. He had never talked about or checked out other women that I’ve noticed. We’ve known each other vaguely for several years and have a few mutual friends and no one has anything bad to say about him. and yes, I do feel like him having me around his friends a lot is his way of letting me in a bit and he has told me a few times that he’s happy all of his friends really like me.
kendahke Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 2nd attempt: OP--how long have you two been dating? 2
Interstellar Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 (edited) So you only know him vaguely, okay so you don’t really know him that well. What do you mean a disconnect? He texts you everyday. Do you want someone to text and compliment you three times a day? five times a day? someone to text you constantly day by day? someone that will keep tabs on you all the time? I’m telling you this phone is an electronic leash. You can’t know somebody on the phone by texting or the computer. You need to be with that person face to face and see their face, body language, and other nuances. Plus, it’s easy to misinterpret things over the phone. Edited January 15, 2020 by Interstellar 1
Recommended Posts