New relationship going amazingly and it all changed overnight under the strangest circumstances....

[GarnigoTarmeister]

3 minutes ago, Noproblem said:

You defend her so much. Why?

Because regardless of how this sounds/reads I know she is a good person and I am pretty certain that she is doing this, ie helping a single man, who is dying, with his 9-year-old son, for what she thinks are the right reasons, regardless of whether they are or not.

[Gr8fuln2020]

No matter GT. Time for you to move on. I can't imagine how much more difficult this could have been if you two had decided to live together. People who cannot leave their past in the past and are, themselves, a little dysfunctional, find ways to re-introduce their regrets (pas) back into their present to hopefully live out the fantasy they had and lost. You need to find someone more... grounded. 

[GarnigoTarmeister]

Just now, Gr8fuln2020 said:

I can't imagine how much more difficult this could have been if you two had decided to live together.

Definitely, in that respect it has saved a potentially much bigger situation.

[Gr8fuln2020]

4 minutes ago, GarnigoTarmeister said:

Definitely, in that respect it has saved a potentially much bigger situation.

Wisdom. Take things slow and not get too high on the ambrosia of new love (infatuation). A few months is often not enough time to really know where someone is in life. 

[GarnigoTarmeister]

UPDATE - He died a few days ago.

[GarnigoTarmeister]

UPDATE - He died six weeks ago

[d0nnivain]

Oh dear.  Thank for the updated.

Unfortunately it's going to be harder to compete with a ghost then living competition. 

[Marc878]

^^^^^ yep, I’ve seen this before. Let her go. You said everything was great, fantastic and then you basically got dumped. That’s your reality.

The circumstances don’t matter much. However much you want to believe it doesn’t.

[GarnigoTarmeister]

16 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

^^^^^ yep, I’ve seen this before.

I'd be surprised if you have, it is pretty unique circumstances!

[Marc878]

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Oh dear.  Thank for the updated.

Unfortunately it's going to be harder to compete with a ghost then living competition. 

Trying to compete with a ghost may not be common but it’s not unique either.

[GarnigoTarmeister]

I thought I'd give an update on this situation, as it is still something that affects me, despite it all starting about 16 months ago.

We still talk every day on WhatsApp Video, usually two or three times a day. She has made it quite clear she can never see us being anything more than friends because she says there is no attraction or chemistry from her side of things. 

She is still quite messed up, she has admitted that herself. Not just from losing her ex, but from a lot of other stuff that has happened in the past year (losing a business she had invested $70k due to COVID being just one thing).

She is starting to date again and it does hurt me to think about that.

I know probably the best thing to do would be, as some of you suggested, to cut contact right from the start but it hasn't been that easy in lockdown.

I live by myself and for most of the past year haven't really seen anyone, so having that regular contact with her has been both a blessing and a curse. A blessing as having someone to talk to each day and keep me sane has been much needed, but also a curse as it reminds me of what we briefly had.

I think if we hadn't gone into lockdown that the situation would have had much less of an effect on me, but working from home for a year with nothing but my thoughts for company makes it more difficult.

I have accepted that she only sees me as a friend, and that she says there is no chemistry or attraction from her side of things. However I will always be so confused as to how this happened as everything only started between us as she was attracted to me, in fact she didn't just say she fancied me she said she really fancied me and told me it is rare for her to find guys she fancies. And there was definite chemistry otherwise she wouldn't have invited me up to meet her girls for the first time just before all of this happened, she wouldn't have told me directly after finding out her ex was single that it made her really grateful for what she had with me and that she wanted to put on Facebook she was in a relationship.

I will always be confused by that and confused by the fact I know she doesn't want to be single, and I know she was really happy with me yet she doesn't even want to see if we can pick up on what we had. But then I guess grief has some unexplained effects on people. 

[d0nnivain]

8 minutes ago, GarnigoTarmeister said:

We still talk every day on WhatsApp Video, usually two or three times a day. She has made it quite clear she can never see us being anything more than friends because she says there is no attraction or chemistry from her side of things. 

* * * 

I will always be confused by that and confused by the fact I know she doesn't want to be single, and I know she was really happy with me yet she doesn't even want to see if we can pick up on what we had. But then I guess grief has some unexplained effects on people. 

I'm sorry you are still pining for this unrequited love.  You need to take her words & face value:  She does not want to date you.  She tried it.  It didn't work for her.  She's done.  You sticking around & showering her with attention as her friend is you being an orbiter.  You mistakenly think that if you hang in there, if you outlast the guys she's dating she will wake up one day & reward your loyalty by dating you.  It doesn't work that way.  She stopped seeing you as an attractive romantic partner a long time ago; at best you are a comfy favorite pair of slippers.  You will always be there but you will never be the killer sexy high heels she wears on a date 

You are doing yourself a grave disservice.  Every minute you waste talking to her, video chatting with her & thinking about her is time you are not devoting to finding somebody who truly loves you who wants to be your GF. 

[GarnigoTarmeister]

1 minute ago, d0nnivain said:

You are doing yourself a grave disservice.  Every minute you waste talking to her, video chatting with her & thinking about her is time you are not devoting to finding somebody who truly loves you who wants to be your GF. 

I know, I am aware of how she feels and I accept how she feels. The problem is until 5 days ago we couldn't go out due to lockdown rules, I have literally spent the last six months in my house by myself without seeing anyone apart from occasionally my dad. In that respect I don't think they are minutes wasted as I literally haven't been able to go out or do anything. So if I wasn't speaking to her each day then I wouldn't be speaking to anyone and I think that would probably be even more unhealthy.

I am just glad spring is her now, they days are getting longer and warmer and I can now start to go out and do things.

[d0nnivain]

Well use Spring & the easing up to your advantage. 

But even from your house, you could have talked to other people.  Didn't you have friends before Covid? 

[GarnigoTarmeister]

41 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

But even from your house, you could have talked to other people.  Didn't you have friends before Covid? 

Yes but not ones I spoke to every day.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I saw this today and before I noticed the update, I was going to write my opinion. It looks like a classic case of love-bombing, only from the female side. She initiated many things and set the fast pace. Then few moths later, she lost interest, thrill and newness wore off and she realized that you are much more invested than her. It is difficult to backtrack at that point given all the promises made....so when she found out her ex was sick, she saw this as a way out without looking like an a-hole. She was never in love with her ex or back together with him.

Now that things have cooled off, t's much easier for her to admit she isn't feeling it. This is the real reason she broke up with you.

Edited April 16, 2021 by Eternal Sunshine

[GarnigoTarmeister]

24 minutes ago, Eternal Sunshine said:

I saw this today and before I noticed the update, I was going to write my opinion. It looks like a classic case of love-bombing, only from the female side. She initiated many things and set the fast pace. Then few moths later, she lost interest, thrill and newness wore off and she realized that you are much more invested than her. It is difficult to backtrack at that point given all the promises made....so when she found out her ex was sick, she saw this as a way out without looking like an a-hole. She was never in love with her ex or back together with him.

Now that things have cooled off, t's much easier for her to admit she isn't feeling it. This is the real reason she broke up with you.

Maybe I am being blind here, but I am pretty certain it wasn't that. 

It was her that a week before everything happened with her ex suggested I meet her girls for the first time and even arranged a Skype call for us to all 'meet' before I met them in person, it was her that told me she was ready to put on Facebook we were in a relationship, she even asked me if her over the top crushing scared me. I admit I am more invested now, but at the time I definitely wasn't.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

The details of the story don't matter, and it doesn't even matter whether she is right or wrong in her actions.

The ONLY thing that matters here is that at the first opportunity, she tossed you aside like an old candy bar wrapper.

She may be back, once things run their course with her ex. You would be a fool to trust her again.

I hope you meet someone special that you will have something real with. Good luck!

 

[GarnigoTarmeister]

16 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

The details of the story don't matter, and it doesn't even matter whether she is right or wrong in her actions.

The ONLY thing that matters here is that at the first opportunity, she tossed you aside like an old candy bar wrapper.

She may be back, once things run their course with her ex. You would be a fool to trust her again.

I hope you meet someone special that you will have something real with. Good luck!

 

Things ran their course with the ex 11 weeks after they got back together as he died!

But yes I am aware of what you say, I have no expectations of anything happening with her at this point, I did when I wrote my original post but not now.

Thank you for your well wishes!

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Sorry, just now seeing your update.

Please stop communicating with her. It's like pouring salt in your own wound.

[trident_2020]

I suspect the real truth is that he was dying to reconcile with her.

 

[Stupidkupid]

This is so odd.

I genuinely don't understand why you're still in touch. 

Also, in one of your early replies you said you knew she was telling the truth because you saw insurance documents and medical documents.

You're clearly in the UK so what insurance and medical documents? Was he being treated privately? For Terminal cancer? In the UK?

And if they were insurance documents for income cover as he couldn't work all you have is her word.

You say his died. I say this is fishy as hell and I think you're holding yourself back by maintaining contact with you. And you're eating it up 

Edited April 16, 2021 by Stupidkupid

[GarnigoTarmeister]

2 hours ago, Stupidkupid said:

This is so odd.

I genuinely don't understand why you're still in touch. 

Also, in one of your early replies you said you knew she was telling the truth because you saw insurance documents and medical documents.

You're clearly in the UK so what insurance and medical documents? Was he being treated privately? For Terminal cancer? In the UK?

And if they were insurance documents for income cover as he couldn't work all you have is her word.

You say his died. I say this is fishy as hell and I think you're holding yourself back by maintaining contact with you. And you're eating it up 

I am not quite sure what to say to this except I saw the order of service for his funeral, I've seen a local BBC news story with images of him in a hospital bed on a respirator holding her hand looking incredibly ill and I even briefly met his sister. That part is 100% definitely true.

As for the part about holding myself back by maintaining contact then yes you are probably right there too. With the benefit of hindsight I now know that.

[spiderowl]

Sorry to hear what happened, OP, and thanks for the update.

It sounds like she did the love-bombing on you - as you said, she is impulsive.  The good thing is that you didn't get more involved with her and then have her turn around and opt out because she is impulsive.

It's very tough and one needs to be wary of these people who throw everything into a relationship from the very start and then throw it all out again just as quickly.  It is hurtful to the person who has been love-bombed and made to feel that it was all going so well.

I appreciate you have been on your own a lot and completely understand the need to have contact with people.  Hopefully, now things are opening up more in the UK you will be able to find other friends to spend time with.  I know it's not easy, especially when we still have to meet outside.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, GarnigoTarmeister said:

, I've seen a local BBC news story with images of him in a hospital bed on a respirator holding her hand looking incredibly ill .

Is he famous?