New relationship going amazingly and it all changed overnight under the strangest circumstances....

January 14, 2020

SUMMARISED VERSION

Sorry this is going to be a long one, so a summarised version is: After years of being single (and not bothered by it) around four months ago I met someone and made an instant connection with them and we became very close to the point we were discussing me moving up to be with her and help her raise her children. Then all of a sudden, literally overnight, this changed when she found out her first love from years ago is dying. Now I am totally confused.

FULL STORY

For context I am a 40-year-old male, been single for a good four or five years and only ever had a couple of serious relationships and no children. No particular reason for this I don't think - I like to think I am a nice guy, reasonably ok looking, always put others first, etc, but it is just the way things have worked out.

Anyway around four months ago in September, via a slightly bizarre set of circumstances, I met someone. She lives around 200 miles from me, is the same age and has two young children. We called and facetimed numerous times and immediately made an instant connection and it was obvious we both liked each other. In fact within a few days of making contact she said she fancied me and that this was unusual as she had had a serious man drought for a couple of years and she struggles to find guys she fancies.

We eventually met up for the first time about a couple of weeks later, in mid-October, we met somewhere that was halfway between us and everything online translated into reality - we had a fantastic time, we both loved each others company and a few days later a card popped through my door from her saying "Always believe something wonderful is about to happen" - and she had written in it how much she enjoyed the date and how she couldn't wait to see me again.

Anyway over the next two months we met up a few more times - every time was fantastic, we had a lot in common and both loved each others company.

For Christmas my dad and I, along with a few other members of the family, go up to the Lake District. We stopped for a night on the way up and she met up with us, met my dad, he loved her and again we had a great time. We were calling, texting and videocalling during the entire week of Christmas - we were both saying we missed each other and that was a nice feeling for us both as we hadn't experienced that for a long time. She bought some lovely presents for me and evidently spent a lot of time and money selecting them. She suggested that on the way back from the Lakes I meet her and go back to hers and meet her girls for the first time. To prepare for this we suggested we all video call - me, her and her two girls, so we did and it went really well, she said the kids loved me.

So the day after Boxing Day (the day we had video called and talked about me meeting her girls, etc), I woke up and checked my FB Messenger and I had had a message from her saying she had had some devastating terminal news the previous night about someone very dear to her and she was struggling to process it. I tried to be as understanding as possible and asked if I could help, or if she wanted to speak and she said she was really sorry she just needed time to deal with it.

The next day she messaged me apologising again and saying she didn't feel she could continue with what we have as she had nothing spare to give. She went onto to explain that she had gone round for what she thought would be a normal catch up with her first love, they dated for four years 20 years ago, when he told her he was dying. She said it opened up all of these emotions she didn't realise she still had and that all she wanted to do is care for him, love him and look after him. She asked me to give her a week to get a grip on her emotions, the situation and how she was feeling.

It was tough, but I said I completely understood it must be a difficult situation for her and told her to take as long as she needed and to let me know when she had had time to digest everything and how she was feeling. I popped a little card in the post for her basically saying that I wouldn't judge her and would try and be there for her in whatever form she wanted no matter what she decided.

I got a message from her a couple of days ago (roughly a week after this all started) saying she had been spending time with her first love and they had talked about her moving into help with things. She said it felt normal and it was as if she had been waiting for this moment without knowing it. She even said she wants to marry him and doesn't care that he is dying, she just wants to spend as much time with him as possible - saying she loves him so so much and he is the missing piece in her jigsaw. She apologised again and said it looks like they are heading into a relationship.

But to give a bit of context to this her first love has lived around the corner from her for the past 20 years. He has a child in the same class as her oldest daughter, she told me previously that she had seen him regularly over the past 20 years in the street, at school, they'd always been cordial, said hello and had a chat, but she had never had any feelings for him at all until he told her he was dying.

The day before he had told her he was dying she had also been round to see him, and he told her his girlfriend had left him. Directly after that we videocalled and she told me about this and she said how grateful she was for what we have and how she felt really good about our relationship - no mention of any feelings for him even though he had just told her he was single. Then the next day he asks her around again and tells her he is dying and boom! All these feelings come out. Just to add something here, she has said she has seen hospital notes, insurance documents (he has his own business), and they confirm that he actually is seriously ill.

I am not angry, as feelings and emotions are natural things we can't control, and I don't know how I would feel in a similar situation, but it has left me confused as to whether she is really feeling these emotions for him or whether it is grief/sorrow/a desire to care for a big part of her past. She is adamant that she loves him a lot and it is real, but I can't get my head around how she can see him regularly and have no feelings and then all of a sudden they develop when she finds out he is dying.

After she told me all this I asked her a question and said before this all happened with her first love, when we were speaking all the time, could she really see something long term between us? And she said "Yes I envisaged you moving up here and us bringing the girls up together."

As a 40-year-old man with no kids and a strong connection to where I live (having always lived in the same town, except for time at Uni and travelling) the thought of moving up to be with her and her kids, should have scared me, but it didn't it, really excited me - it was like a whole new part of my life was opening up.

Now that has suddenly, without any warning, closed and I feel lost and confused by it all.

Do you really think she could be in love with him? Or do you think this is a case of her emotions still being completely mixed up and her mistaking feelings of grief and wanting to help with love?

Has anyone else ever been in a situation like this? Does anyone have any advice?

January 14, 2020

Well, that interesting. I have even less of an idea how "real" her feelings are since I've never met her. But let's analyze the possibilities:

She always cared for him but his illness made her realize that actually living in a world without him was unbearable and she didn't want to waste another minute.
He's lying and manipulating her after finding out that she is falling for someone else.
She's completely fabricated the story to get out of the relationship with you for reasons relating to things in her life (she's messed up, has herpes, is gay, who knows?)
She's completely fabricated the story to get out of the relationship with you for reasons relating to things she doesn't like about you (all filed under "just not that into you").
He's real but she had a night of sex with him, felt bad, and made up the terminal things because you're 200 miles away and it's easier than confessing.
She's a Russian deep implant spy and she knows she can't get to close to you.

Perhaps we could come up with a few other scenarios. But they all end up at the same place: she's gone. That's what happens with most new relationships and it is completely confusing most of the time because you don't know the reason. And we convince ourselves that knowing will make us feel better but it rarely does and, truth be told, she isn't really obligated to get into it with you. But I fervently believe and hope you do as well that it's worth the chance of finding something meaningful to risk it next time anyway. In the meantime, time is the only thing that will alleviate your feeling of being lost.

January 14, 2020

2 minutes ago, lurker74 said:

Well, that interesting. I have even less of an idea how "real" her feelings are since I've never met her. But let's analyze the possibilities:

She always cared for him but his illness made her realize that actually living in a world without him was unbearable and she didn't want to waste another minute.

He's lying and manipulating her after finding out that she is falling for someone else.

She's completely fabricated the story to get out of the relationship with you for reasons relating to things in her life (she's messed up, has herpes, is gay, who knows?)

She's completely fabricated the story to get out of the relationship with you for reasons relating to things she doesn't like about you (all filed under "just not that into you").

He's real but she had a night of sex with him, felt bad, and made up the terminal things because you're 200 miles away and it's easier than confessing.

She's a Russian deep implant spy and she knows she can't get to close to you.

Perhaps we could come up with a few other scenarios. But they all end up at the same place: she's gone. That's what happens with most new relationships and it is completely confusing most of the time because you don't know the reason. And we convince ourselves that knowing will make us feel better but it rarely does and, truth be told, she isn't really obligated to get into it with you. But I fervently believe and hope you do as well that it's worth the chance of finding something meaningful to risk it next time anyway. In the meantime, time is the only thing that will alleviate your feeling of being lost.

Thanks for the interesting take! Just to look at the possibilities:

She always cared for him but his illness made her realize that actually living in a world without him was unbearable and she didn't want to waste another minute.
Yes that is what she is say, so very possible.
He's lying and manipulating her after finding out that she is falling for someone else.
I did think that at first, but I am now 99% certain that this isn't the case (she has seen hospital and insurance documents, etc) - so this was my gut instinct but I am pretty certain I was wrong.
She's completely fabricated the story to get out of the relationship with you for reasons relating to things in her life (she's messed up, has herpes, is gay, who knows?)
Again pretty certain that isn't true, thinks had been getting better and better between us the week it happened.
She's completely fabricated the story to get out of the relationship with you for reasons relating to things she doesn't like about you (all filed under "just not that into you").
Ditto above.
He's real but she had a night of sex with him, felt bad, and made up the terminal things because you're 200 miles away and it's easier than confessing.
Unlikely, she has been unerringly honest since we met and she would have told me that.
She's a Russian deep implant spy and she knows she can't get to close to you.
Possible she does have an Eastern European accent and is called Olga.

I know she is gone, I guess it was just the complete surprise of it and the strangeness of the situation.

But also around three years ago one of my ex's, who I was still good friends with, got seriously ill (mental health issues) and was in hospital for three weeks. When she came out I went to see her and had a sudden urge to look after her and care for her and make sure she was ok. For a while I mistook those feelings of wanting to help for feelings of romantic love, which they weren't.

I guess I know at the end of the day I can't do anything - I just wanted people's opinions on the situation really.

January 14, 2020

how interesting.

okay, other than that she's a spy, whatever the reasons.. true or not... she's decided to leave you.

leave... and move on... if something else comes up, we'll take it from there.

that's the simple next step. Sometimes, there is no why... it's unfair, but that's how it is, when someone does this.'

Sorry, dude....

January 14, 2020

MMMMMM me thinks it's pretty hard to believe any of that. I think it's made up because she's got someone else on the hook or is simply not interested in dating you. 4 months isn't long enough to actually know someone IMO even if you were playing house. You got caught up into something way too fast and invested way too much. Something is off/ not right about this.

January 14, 2020

A woman like this I imagine is always going to have her kids as her main priority, so while you were a novelty factor for a while, in the cold light of day she has baulked at actually going through with it,

perhaps you crossed boundaries without realising, in a sense taking over her family life a bit too much too soon

take it slowly dont get heavily invested as early perhaps the best lesson from it.

Edited January 14, 2020 by Foxhall

January 15, 2020

I hope she is being honest with you, but regardless of that, she wasn't invested enough in your budding relationship to exclude other options.

It would be best to move on from her altogether.

January 15, 2020

Like smackie said, this doesn't pass the sniff test. Even if it's true, it's nuts. If I had to guess, I'd say it's true except the dying part... that's her get-out-of-jail-free card to disarm you and avoid criticism. But the bottom line is that it doesn't actually matter... you went all-in too fast with someone who wasn't stable or reliable. File this under Lessons Learned Once. I know it's painful, because feelings are real. Take good care of yourself, cut off all communication with her and never look back.

January 15, 2020

15 hours ago, GarnigoTarmeister said:

I got a message from her a couple of days ago (roughly a week after this all started) saying she had been spending time with her first love and they had talked about her moving into help with things. She said it felt normal and it was as if she had been waiting for this moment without knowing it. She even said she wants to marry him and doesn't care that he is dying, she just wants to spend as much time with him as possible - saying she loves him so so much and he is the missing piece in her jigsaw. She apologised again and said it looks like they are heading into a relationship.

But to give a bit of context to this her first love has lived around the corner from her for the past 20 years. He has a child in the same class as her oldest daughter, she told me previously that she had seen him regularly over the past 20 years in the street, at school, they'd always been cordial, said hello and had a chat, but she had never had any feelings for him at all until he told her he was dying.

After she told me all this I asked her a question and said before this all happened with her first love, when we were speaking all the time, could she really see something long term between us? And she said "Yes I envisaged you moving up here and us bringing the girls up together."

If you read these three paragraphs OP, do you begin to see a motivation/agenda? I do and truly believe you have not only dodged a bullet but are free from quite a nasty piece of work. I am sorry for your heartache but I firmly believe that you are far better off without this person. It is better in love to move slowly and thoroughly get to know your partner before making any life altering decisions.

Take care.

January 15, 2020

I am sorry, OP. My heart hurts for you here

My spidey sense is going off something fierce and the reason being is I've been her. She got cold feet. Someone came back into her life, or maybe she genuinely wanted to put a stop to this before it went further (my guess,) but "honest" isnt a word I will use here because I am not feeling honesty from her given what you have shared. I lied myself, so it's why I see this so clearly where maybe you dont. Yet. I know you want to believe she is honest and that she is being honest.

I have done the same to a man I slept with when he wanted to take things further. I tried to end it without a lie, and he showed up with flowers, sent ILY texts, letters and continued to pursue me even when I ended it. He wanted to make it better/make it right/change my mind. I was even more turned off as he did this.

I told him "I didnt want to share this but I'm getting back together with my ex" as a last ditch effort to rid myself of him as he wasnt going away. He didnt back off and I was starting to dread every day.

I didnt make up lies about him dying or being on his death bed, but I said I wanted to reconcile things with my ex so he would need to respect that and stop messaging/trying. New guy backed off out of respect for my ex, (not for me) but would have continued messaging me had there been no one in the picture. He was not willing to back off because he felt what we had was real and that I may change my mind if he showed affection.

I should have told him I just wasnt into him and been mean instead but couldnt bring myself to say what I truly felt which was that I just wanted him to leave me alone and that it was done. We had slept together, and when he started having stronger feelings, I was flattered. For a short time, his desire to be with me was really nice and made me feel special. I wanted to like him the way he liked me, but there was a nagging feeling within me and I just couldnt move beyond that feeling so I ended it. He was a decent man, but as we spent a bit more time together there were things I genuinely wasnt feeling anymore and my feelings fizzled out as his grew.

In my mind, having "my ex in the picture again" meant he would back off and go away because another man was in my life, one who meant more to me than he did because my ex and I had a long history together. So he backed off.

I shouldnt have lied because it hurt him to "lose me to my ex." It hurt him to lose me regardless, and he has over the years continued to message me. I have blocked him since because he doesnt respect boundaries. I never went back to my ex but I didnt want to be with the new guy either. I should have said "I'm just not that into you, and dont see this going anywhere so please for the love of god stop messaging me." He was positive he had found his be all and end all, and as he started getting stronger feelings, mine tapered.

18 hours ago, GarnigoTarmeister said:

Unlikely, she has been unerringly honest since we met and she would have told me that.

You have known her 4 months. Maybe at the beginning her feelings were there, but at some point, she got cold feet and chose to lie instead of being honest, so you would back off. It's time to back off now, as you know, for whatever her reason.

Have YOU seen any of these documents? She has, but have you? I'd bet money they dont exist.

18 hours ago, GarnigoTarmeister said:

She's completely fabricated the story to get out of the relationship with you for reasons relating to things in her life

This. All of this. For whatever reason, she felt she couldnt just be honest and end it so she went with a story like this one. Not sure why. You may never know why. Being so far apart, she could be with this man, a new man or be with no one, but what she did want was for it to be over.

A woman who felt she was going to raise her children with you in 4 months is not right in the head anyway, so you've dodged a bullet. Id question anyone who would want me to raise their kids with them after such a short time. She barely knew you.

Most reliable women I know wouldnt even let a man meet their kids within 4 months of dating, let alone make life plans together like this. Something wasn't right from the start if she was willing to move you into her house to raise her kids with her after meeting a few times over a 4 month period.

January 15, 2020

She is lying and she is heartless about it.

She missed on a great a guy and you dodged a bullet ( even if she wasn't lying, you don't deserve her to leave you midway to marry her first love,.. Screw that, what happened to being faithful and kind!)

Please, please, please Block her!

This girl, if her story correct or not, she'll come back to you again when she is done with that guy and you being nice, might quiver and accept her back

Don't! She'll put your life on a roller coaster!

Edited January 15, 2020 by Noproblem

January 15, 2020

It sounds like she is emotionally invested in her first love. Otherwise, these news wouldn't have such an impact. If I found out my first love way dying, naturally I would hope for the best, but I would not be devastated and it would not affect my current relationship.

Sounds like her heart is elsewhere. I'm sorry.

January 15, 2020

20 hours ago, GarnigoTarmeister said:

She suggested that on the way back from the Lakes I meet her and go back to hers and meet her girls for the first time. To prepare for this we suggested we all video call - me, her and her two girls, so we did and it went really well, she said the kids loved me.

So the day after Boxing Day (the day we had video called and talked about me meeting her girls, etc), I woke up and checked my FB Messenger and I had had a message from her saying she had had some devastating terminal news

Something happened at that point and I am guessing it wasn't the entrance of a terminal first love.
She may indeed have a terminal first love, but who would make such a snap decision?
I guess this was something to do with the kids.
Maybe meeting the kids made it all real and she got scared and bailed, maybe the kids were not enthusiastic, maybe other people got involved and said "No way!" ie her family, the kid's father or the ex inlaws maybe...
Whatever it was, it is over.

Edited January 15, 2020 by elaine567

January 15, 2020

Yea so, to me, the question of whether she loves the guy or not is irrelevant. She at least likes him more or she is just using it as an excuse to let you down easy. Either way, it’s best to take things like this at face value and move on. This happens a lot on here... people discontinue dating to go back to old flames. If she comes back, cool. If not, you’re not pining.

January 15, 2020

37 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Something happened at that point and I am guessing it wasn't the entrance of a terminal first love.
She may indeed have a terminal first love, but who would make such a snap decision?
I guess this was something to do with the kids.
Maybe meeting the kids made it all real and she got scared and bailed, maybe the kids were not enthusiastic, maybe other people got involved and said "No way!" ie her family, the kid's father or the ex inlaws maybe...
Whatever it was, it is over.

A very good angle if it happened when you'd just facetimed with the kids.

I've agreed with my ex that our child only meets someone when it's 'serious' and for me 'serious' means we've indicated we're in a committed relationship for the long term - it takes more than 4 months to get there. As a (responsible) parent you don't want people bouncing in and out of your children's lives, so you have to be sure. Maybe the logistical challenge of how you'd get to spend enough time together to know each other well enough without meeting the kids was also a factor - it's something I'm having to deal with right now!

A harsh talk from a relative / friend and cold feet at the reality check could force a snap decision.

But also - she might be a bit of a dreamer / fantasist and they can be hard work - you've probably had a lucky escape

January 15, 2020

8 minutes ago, dramallama said:

But also - she might be a bit of a dreamer / fantasist and they can be hard work - you've probably had a lucky escape

Actually that struck me as well and was one of my first thoughts. Assuming all this isn't true, what an extreme set of circumstances she concocted to explain why she no longer wanted to continue the relationship. I couldn't imagine, ever in a million years coming out with something like this. Very bizarre to say the least.

I reckon it's far more likely that when you all met up, she realised the reality didn't actually match up with the fantasy she had built up in her head of you all being a 'family'.

January 15, 2020

When I was freshly divorced I was talking to a woman and had asked her out. To me it was merely a date, but it was apparently a much larger event in her mind. In the course of conversation she told me that her kids (young) would need to approve, and she wanted me to stop by so they could take a look and give their yea or nay. It was the kookiest notion I'd ever heard. I told her, "that's okay, I'll save them the angst of having to make adult decisions for their mother." And that was that. Giving kids veto power over your relationship is whack-a-doodle. Most of them are going to say no because they don't want to share their parent. I've even seen adult children throw a hissy over a single parent starting to date again. If a woman ever tries to pull the kids into the mix early on, that's really all you need to know. OP I think you seriously dodged a bullet here, regardless of whether she has an ex-bf on his death bed (which I don't believe at all).

Edited January 15, 2020 by salparadise

January 16, 2020

Thank you everyone who has commented, I really do appreciate the time everyone has taken.

Just to address a couple of points:

"MMMMMM me thinks it's pretty hard to believe any of that. I think it's made up because she's got someone else on the hook or is simply not interested in dating you."

I am 100% certain that the story about her ex is true. For the following reasons:

She called me in floods of tears the day after, and I literally mean 30 minutes of her constantly crying that not even the world's best actress could pull off.
My mum died of cancer and my dad has cancer so I know about it, I have had spontaneous conversations with her about it and the way she talked and answered my questions she obviously has a knowledge of it from reading his notes and speaking to him etc.
I know four months isn't long enough to know someone inside out, but we have talked every day and I know her well enough to say that if she wasn't interested in me she would have told me and not made something up.

I know you might baulk at this, but I am 100% certain it is true. My main concern was actually whether he had been telling the truth and is as ill as he says he is.

Regardless I think he told her because his girlfriend had just left him and he was lonely and he was hoping something might happen.

"I told him "I didnt want to share this but I'm getting back together with my ex" as a last ditch effort to rid myself of him as he wasnt going away. He didnt back off and I was starting to dread every day."

She was the one driving the relationship forward in that way. She was the one who suggested I come back and meet her kids, she was the one who suggested after Christmas she come down and spend New Year with me. She was the one mainly initiating phone/video calls.

"But also - she might be a bit of a dreamer / fantasist and they can be hard work - you've probably had a lucky escape"

I don't think she is. She has her own business and in December she is rowing across the Atlantic, she is one of those people who when they commit to something follow through with it.

My personal view is this:

She has told me right from when she met she identifies as an Indigo Adult, I'd never heard of this, but now I know abit about it they have particular traits, such as:

Indigo adults find it very difficult to bear the suffering of others because of their deeply empathetic nature
Indigo adults have extraordinary levels of compassion
Indigo adults often feel a burning desire to find and achieve their life purpose. They may feel a very strong need to make a difference in the world and leave it a better place.

She is also very impulsive ie:

She was married more than a decade ago. I had a look at her Facebook page (sad I know!) around the time this happened, and it was full of messages of love for her new husband, excitement at getting married, etc, etc, then the marriage lasted 8 months and they split up!
On our first meeting she had a personalised keyring made for me. It was in a sort of morse code and came with a card to transcribe what it said: "J & S 12.10.19" - our initials and first date. She said she got it made very soon after we first made contact as she had a gut instinct about us
A couple of weeks after we met she went to a seminar near her and signed up for a £15,000 public speaking type course, with the idea the company would get her all these speaking gigs alongside other big name celebrities to help raise her profile ahead of her rowing across the Atlantic. She was really enthusiastic at first - and but a week later she realised it was kind of ridiculous and cancelled it.

I think her ex told her he was ill. She was overcome with a desire to help, make sure he doesn't die alone, etc, etc, that overwhelmed all of her feelings - matching up with the need to make a difference and her impulsive nature. She has possibly mistaken it/confused it for a genuine romantic love and in a few weeks or couple of months she might recognise this.

Obviously I know I need to let it go and move on, but as we know that is often easier said than done, otherwise forums like these wouldn't exist!

January 16, 2020

25 minutes ago, S2B said:

I think it will be better for you - long term - if you can let this one go.

whatever her story is - she’s not available to you now... and may never me emotionally available to you in the future.

lots of drama around her - and taking on two girls and a mom with lots of emotional drama isn’t likely to match well with a guy who’s never had kids.

shes with him now - and that’s her choice.

start dating other gals.

I know, I know and I intend to. I am even thinking about internet dating which I haven't done before.

I guess this is just a good way to get out thoughts and feelings.

January 16, 2020

1 hour ago, GarnigoTarmeister said:

in December she is rowing across the Atlantic

Let's hope he has entered remission or has died by then...

January 16, 2020

I have to agree with Smackie. This sounds totally made up. If it's true, then you dodged a bullet.

I don't think most people have regular check-ins with people they dated 20 years ago. Even if he weren't dying, would you want that?

January 17, 2020

20 hours ago, fishlips said:

I have to agree with Smackie. This sounds totally made up. If it's true, then you dodged a bullet.

I don't think most people have regular check-ins with people they dated 20 years ago. Even if he weren't dying, would you want that?

Well he has lived literally around the corner from her for 20 years and his son is in the same class as her eldest daughter, I really don't think that is the unusual part of the whole story.

January 17, 2020

I think you dodged a bullet, so be thankful.

I can see her wanting to care for an old friend/lover who is dying, but giving up on a blossoming relationship in a 'swap-meet' fashion like that??? . . . sounds too fickle to me. He must have some serious money.

I would not even try to communicate with her, but just for kicks and giggles, keep tabs on the situation the best you can from afar. Do go on with the rest of your life and if you meet someone that you like, don't hesitate. If this former lover of hers does die in the near or not too distant future, see if she tries to contact you. Hopefully, you will be all set in another relationship and not be tempted.

January 17, 2020

1 hour ago, UCanCallMeCrazy said:

I can see her wanting to care for an old friend/lover who is dying, but giving up on a blossoming relationship in a 'swap-meet' fashion like that??? . . . sounds too fickle to me. He must have some serious money.

I know it is very strange! She has her own business, makes good extra income from an AirBnB room, doesn't claim any child support from the partner of her children as it is all so amicable and a few years back gave away her share of a house for next to nothing to keep the peace so it isn't to do with money.

Anyway as you say I am going on with the rest of my life, I don't think any answers would be satisfactory anyway.

January 17, 2020

You defend her so much. Why?

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