Really bad...

[sunflower1008]

Something happened that's really bad....my MM's wife found out that he was having an affair. Someone made a call to his wife and told him. It wasn't me because I didn't want the situation to change at all. He admitted he was having an affair and has been kicked out of the house.

 

I'm giving him time and we've talked very little. Do I still contact him because I hope he's doing ok? Has anyone ever been in this situation??

 

Any comment would really help - thanks!

 

What a mess - I'm feeling so awful and I don't know what to do.

[newbby]

oh dear! i dont know what you should do at all. probably best to leave him to it and see what happens. no doubt he will be going through alot right now.

let him contact you.

[foolinlove]

I agree with Newby....let him contact you..he will be going through a rollar coaster of emotions..when my xMM wife found out that he was having an A...he never skipped a beat..still called me, still made plans with me...I think he was hoping she would leave him...plan back fired on him and she WON'T leave him...

 

This may be what he and she knew would inevitably happen...they may decide to end things. Or...she can do what xMM W did and become desperate and clingy and bound and determined not to lose HER man. Letting him work through this by himself seems logical..although you don't like to see him hurting...he put himself in this situation..he'll have to get himself out. Be there when he needs an ear...but don't get used by him..

 

You never mentioned what your feelings are for him...do you wish to be with him? If so, don't get too deep with him...because if he goes back to her...it is going to make it that much worse for you. Some of us have been the OW for years with no changes....hate to see the same for you. Good luck..

[Art_Critic]

He admitted he was having an affair and has been kicked out of the house.

 

So he got caught lying..

 

This is where you need to pay specific attention to the MM's words.. He is at his best when he can be deceitful to all the women in his life.

 

These things WILL BE happening but he will not tell you.. In fact he will tell you the opposite.. Because his life is based on lying and deceit he will not change for this one turn in events.

 

a). He WILL be trying to get back with her and move back home.

 

b). He WILL NOT tell you this..

 

c).. If she doesn't take him back he will continue to try and if it goes to divorce he WILL NOT marry you.. You are something in his life based on lies and deceit.. He wants more than that out of his wife.

 

d). If she does take him back he will either break it off with you and work on his marriage or he WILL continue to lie to her and continue the relationship with you.

 

e). There will be absolutly no truthes coming out of his mouth at this time.. He is in coverup mode..

Even when he tells the truth he will be lying.. Go figure.. All his statements have lies tied to them..

Remember that he is also trying to coverup things to you as well.. He just threatened his cake..and he will try and preserve this.

 

He will contact you again.. You need to be ready to what is is that you want from him.. You won't be getting married to him.. So get used to it.

If that is the kind of a relationship you are looking for than go for it.

[ThumbingMyWay]

So he got caught lying..

 

This is where you need to pay specific attention to the MM's words.. He is at his best when he can be deceitful to all the women in his life.

 

These things WILL BE happening but he will not tell you.. In fact he will tell you the opposite.. Because his life is based on lying and deceit he will not change for this one turn in events.

 

a). He WILL be trying to get back with her and move back home.

 

b). He WILL NOT tell you this..

 

c).. If she doesn't take him back he will continue to try and if it goes to divorce he WILL NOT marry you.. You are something in his life based on lies and deceit.. He wants more than that out of his wife.

 

d). If she does take him back he will either break it off with you and work on his marriage or he WILL continue to lie to her and continue the relationship with you.

 

e). There will be absolutly no truthes coming out of his mouth at this time.. He is in coverup mode..

Even when he tells the truth he will be lying.. Go figure.. All his statements have lies tied to them..

Remember that he is also trying to coverup things to you as well.. He just threatened his cake..and he will try and preserve this.

 

He will contact you again.. You need to be ready to what is is that you want from him.. You won't be getting married to him.. So get used to it.

If that is the kind of a relationship you are looking for than go for it.

 

 

I agree 100%....welcome to post affair life....

[sunflower1008]

So he got caught lying..

 

Actually Art.....he admitted it....I really think he WANTED to get caught. He was so unhappy at home.

BUT - I never asked him to leave his wife or kids because I know his kids meant everything to him. I think he really wanted out of his marriage but now it's a horrible experience for him.

 

He saw how great it was with us and I think he wanted that all the time but I'm also married, which makes it even harder. And we never discussed leaving our marriages.

 

Now he is in this situation and I think he's freaking out, lashing out, even at me. Why? I don't know. Why is he lashing out at me? Because I'm still in my marriage with my kids? Why?

 

The truth is, I didn't change this situation - HE did. But I don't know what to do now.

 

I still care for him very much - thats why this is so tough.

 

Should I still call and act ok to him to help him get through this?

 

Do I wish to be with him? I really don't know that answer. It's so mixed up now and he's going through so much. I wish I could just sit him down and talk to him but will that ever happen?

 

Thanks for helping everyone...what does everyone think?

[Art_Critic]

Sunflower.. I think that you should ait for him to contact you.. At this point you might the fuel for a fire that might go out of control.

 

He wears big boy pants and shoes and can get thru this without any help.

 

Truthfully if he was smart he would start to confide in his wife and bring her back into the loop where she belongs instead of going outside the marriage.

That is who should be his support system for going thru this.. His wife..

 

Give him time to see how things are going to shake out.. You may not have lost him yet

[sunflower1008]

Thanks Art....I try to put myself in the other person's place and see if it was me, would I lash out at him? I hope I wouldn't because I would know he still cares about me. He probably thinks I made the call to his wife, but I would never do that - I'm not that kind of person. If he doesn't know that by now, that's pretty sad.

 

I guess I'm just bummed by him not letting me in right now...

[legrtova]

I agree with all of you, and I thank you.

I am in a very similiar situation...the wife found out and he admitted he almost wanted her to, because he couldn't decide (HA, how fast he decided when she foung out...you figure it out ) It was ugly.

He still kept calling me and such, we kept meeting for the last three weeks. Then I was on NC for 4 days, he called again, and I realized that I need to give both of us time to deal with this, because we cannot see things clearly from the 'eye of hurricane'.

Today was the hardest thing to do...I went to park wher we used to hang out, he went there as well...and I told him that we will not see each other again. We cried, but had a nice goodbye.

Today really sux, but I believe that unless you let your MM deal with it and realize on their own what they want, it will never end.

I wish he realized he wanted to be with me, but I know he will never leave his wife, and most likely if he realizes something, it will be the fact that we lived a fantasy.

I hope he finds what he wants, and most of all I hope he finds him self.

Give him time, Sun... pushing things won't help any.

It will hurt, but we are here for each other.

HANG IN THERE!

l.

[sunflower1008]

Thank you L...you've helped alot by relating your own story.

 

From what I know, he really was unhappy in his marriage and I doubt he will go back. I know he's going through he*l right now, and I want to help him, but I also know that if he wants to contact me, he can.

 

I don't blame you for saying goodbye since he went back to his wife. I think if my MM goes back to his wife, that makes it pretty obvious how he really felt about me. That would be goodbye for me too. But since he's not with her now, I want him to know I still care and if it has to end with us - at least it's not with ill feelings towards each other.

 

I know I should give him time - keep reminding me of that L!! It's so hard when you care for each other! Thanks!

[legrtova]

It is nice to know you have love! It is also a lot harder...I catch my self trying to find things I could hate about him, but I come out empty handed.

He is a Native American, and today he said there is no word for good-bye in Sioux....OUCH

He gave me hope again, and I must be strong.

We both expressed our love for each other and left.

It hurts bad, but it's probably better now then later...

I gave him my heart and my body, and I got my heart broken, but I have NO REGRETS what so ever.

Maybe if he sees what he's lost, he will come back...maybe he will see what he's gained and move on to another SW? Who knows...

It is an emotional rollercoaster, I can't wait for it to be over. I hope you can hang in there...

Show him your love as respect...let him deal with it in his own pace. If it doesn't work out, you will get to keep great memories and you will know that it hurts because you love. You are capable of loving, and that is a great thing.

Please keep me posted.

If you are interested in chatting on IM, I would like that very much.

let me know!

L.

[legrtova]

I love your posts! Please don't ever leave here!

It helps SO MUCH to put things in perspective. It hurts to admit it, but you are always SO RIGHT!

Thank you so much, you have given me a lot of my strenght back!

L.

 

All of you guys, I can't express how much I appreciate you all being here, this community has changed my life. I replaced one addiction (to my MM) with another...YOU:D

[sunflower1008]

Thanks L! Glad to know someone is going through this too.

 

I doubt he will call me and I know Art is right about letting HIM call me. That's the hard part. At times, I just want to call and tell it to him straight and if the whole thing ends, it ends. Now I'm just left here hanging. But not for long. I hate the way it makes me feel and I have a feeling I'm gonna do something. LOL

 

How are you doing over there? Yes, I would like to IM with you. I don't know if we can do it here since we don't have a lot of posts. Do you know if we can or try Yahoo or something?

[legrtova]

If he doesn't call you, then let it be. He must not be that serious about you. Sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear, but they DO RUN BACK to their homes, because it's just SOOOO convenient.

 

Maybe you can take this time to discover who you are, and to work on your marriage? Try to be happy where you are. Can you find (hard work) in your marriage what you found in your affair?

 

They will always want to keep it the way it used to be...they have the family life they feel they need to escape at times, and that's when they come to us...for the fun and 'single-like' life. They will ALWAYS want that, and you must be the one to stand up and say NO (unless you want the same...since you are already married, your situation might be different)

 

I use msn. Same addy as my nick here.

 

To your question...doing alright today. I have to plan my days to make sure I won't have much free time on my hands. I miss him dearly, but I also see many other things. If he chose me, we would have to go through a messy divorce with kids involved. I am not ready to become an instant mom, not to mention his family would never fully except me, and his wife would be in our lives for as long as we would be together.

It was fun, but it had to come to an end. I have a chance in life, and that's what keeps me going.

 

Set goals for your self, do things with your hubby, go on dates (avoid places you used to go with your MM), and try to think if you really want your MM in your life, or if it's an addictive excitement. It will hurt no matter what you decide, but do what's best!

L.

[sunflower1008]

Hi L -

 

How have you been? Sorry I haven't been on .. I've been trying to think things through. I've had NC with him for 7 days. I really don't know what's happening with him, although I still care. I think he went away for the weekend but he'll be back at work this coming week. I really want to call and just see if he's ok....just don't know if it's the right thing to do.

[933KJL]

Another consideration is that if he is wanting your relationship so bad and it cannot happen with his wife, he may actually tell your husband in hopes of getting you and he together.....is this what you want?

[sunflower1008]

I don't think he would actually tell my husband without consulting me about it. At least that's what I think. I think he went away this weekend to clear his head, and who knows if he will contact me this week. He probably won't. I still care about him very much and would like to know what's going on - but I don't know if I should contact him at this point.

 

I know if it was me and my husband found out, I would contact him just to sort things out and tell him goodbye and talk about things. Maybe that's a "girl" thing to do. Do guys think that way?? lol

[legrtova]

You said he went away to clear his head. I would still not contact him, he is probably going through a lot right now and trying to stay away from both of you to figure out what he REALLY feels and wants.

It's so easy to be influenced.

I am sorry you have to go through that...I know exactly what you mean, you want him to know that you are here for him. I still think he should have let you knwo what he was going to do about this (even if it was just to tell you he wasn't gonna be around for a while), and that he should be the one to contact you.

Hang it there!

[RecordProducer]

Sunflower, if you were hoping that he would leave his wife some day then this is your chance. However the least desirable thing to happen would be that he moves in with you then decides to go back to his wife. Do they have children?

[sunflower1008]

Hi RP - yes, they have two children and I also have children. The point is is that the wife found out and he thinks I made the phone call to tell her - which I didn't. From then on, things have been horrible. He doesn't think he has to share anything with me, and I don't know what's going on. Yet, of course, I WANT to know what's going on with him and the family. So thats why I don't know if I should call him next week or not. I want to defend myself against his terrible accusations, but is it worth it??

[OldEurope]

You are doing exactly the right thing. Stick to your NC. His mind and life are over-crowded at the moment. Remember a week or two in the grand scheme of the universe is nothing. This also shows that you respect what kind of situation he is in, the confusion. And your relationship's future will also be tested during this time. If, at the end of his silence, he DOES NOT, come to you and say "I do not want to live a double life so I......

 

a) "am going to work on my marriage with my wife"

b) "I do not love my wife, I cannot maintain this marriage, I want you to be the woman of my life".

c) "I am deeply confused, I am moving out, and I need to spend some time away from both situations to reflect".

 

If it is C, be wary about seeing him. YOU MUST be supportive yet distant. No intimacy, no pounding on him about times and deadlines.

 

This kind of time is SUPPOSED to be difficult. As Churchill said, "The only way out of hell is through it"

[sunflower1008]

Thanks Old Europe! I understand what you're saying and I am going to maintain NC and try for NC this whole week. So, at the end of this week, and he hasn't called, what would you do? Simply call him and ask how things are going or forget the whole thing??

 

I wouldn't pressure him into seeing me at all. I know he's going through a very emotional time in his life.

[Sunset]

I am in a similar situation to you Sunflower.

 

How long have you been married?

Is your marriage happy?

How old are your children?

What do you want out of the affair?

[sunflower1008]

Hi Sunset - what is your situation? Did the wife find out and the MM is mad?

 

I have been married 15 years and have two children. The marriage is ok, I think I just wanted some excitement (not a great excuse at all). How about you? The problem is, I didn't think I would fall for someone like this. I've never cheated before at all.

 

I don't know what I want out of the affair right now. Right now, I see what's happening to him and I don't want my chidren to go through that. Maybe what I want right now is to be a friend to him, if I can.

 

What's going on with you?

[OldEurope]

Thanks Old Europe! I understand what you're saying and I am going to maintain NC and try for NC this whole week. So, at the end of this week, and he hasn't called, what would you do? Simply call him and ask how things are going or forget the whole thing??

 

I wouldn't pressure him into seeing me at all. I know he's going through a very emotional time in his life.

 

You still keep it up. This is test-your-metal time. I don't care if your whole body crumbles into wobbly bits of physical and emotional jello, you keep it up. Every OW has to go through her NC time. She just has to. You are at the point where I once was where confusion reigned and it was necessary for everyone to pull back, way back, for a bit.

 

You are in a win-win situation though it does not feel like it. If he does not call at the end of a week, give it another week, and at that point...you will have your answer, more or less, and his true colors--a man who could not call to make things clear--will show. By then, you will have succeeded in standing up for yourself, showing that you are for marriage only, and are clear about what you want, and will be on the first path to your next journey.

 

If he does call by the end of the week--and he should if he does not want to lose you--you then "know" how true his feelings are for you, that he is fighting (with himself) for you. Further more, you will have shown that you are not some clingy bore desperate for attention (he has enough emotional drama). So here too you come out ahead.

 

If he says--a classic--"Well, I was afraid to call you because you might not want me any more", you say, "I didn't call you BECAUSE I want you so much. I wanted to give you breathing space, reflective time" (Throw all those guilt-balls back)

 

If he says--another classic--"If you loved me, you would continue to see me through these problems", you say, "Of course I am here for you and you know how I have always been there for you. However, your love for me should also understand that I need to know what direction this is going to take. To protect our relationship, I need to be on guard"

 

This is a significant point here I just want to add. Remember, IF you see him before he tells you divorce or no divorce (BLACK or WHITE decision making), think about the insecurity and resentment or that constant questioning in your mind that is going to bubble up. See, I had a "lucky" end, BUT there was a bumpy road there. I noticed, at around the 13 month point, that I was waiting for "moves" rather than enjoying our time together. There were steps he was taking, but not enough, in my view, at that point. So fights started to swell and I thought whoa....this could now nosedive in the other direction. So I REALLY pulled away. As in, phones off, disappearing acts. Well, the rest of the story ends nicely, but I want to stress that an OW HAS to put her foot down and it must STAY down at some point. You are at that point.