Msday91 Posted January 4, 2020 Posted January 4, 2020 In my past relationship ( first relationship ) at 24 my ex was clearly still hung up on his ex but would deny it. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and in the end when we broke up he finally admitted I was there to fill a void. I was basically second best. This still angers me especially as I lost my virginity to him. To be honest I still haven’t forgiven myself for that. But alas I learnt a lot from that relationship about what I want. My current boyfriend that I met 2 years ago is great. He’s a lovely guy who has been serious with me from day one. The only thing is early on in our relationships when we spoke about our pasts he mentioned he’s had 2 girlfriends. He regrets the last one but his first girlfriend that he was with when he was younger - around 22 ( 4 years long ) he said that they were just too young at the time and that nothing went wrong. It fizzled out and that if they met when they were older things could have been different. That he was her first everything ( clearly something men seem to like ). Now I’d be lying if it didn’t bother me. It makes me actually wonder - am I second best, am I a place holder - what if she came back now that they are older & more mature. To be honest these insecurities have been bothering me and I’m putting less and less effort into the relationship. I have brought this up to him and he’s said that he’s happy with me, and that if he wanted to stay at the time he would have stayed with her that he doesn’t think about his exes. But I’m not sure. My ex said the same things. ive said in several occasions that if he has regrets about her then he should find a reason to end it with me because I’m super uncomfortable with being second best.
schlumpy Posted January 4, 2020 Posted January 4, 2020 There is always a risk that someone will reemerge from the past before the deal can be sealed and even after it's sealed. Just try your best to be number one. He's choosing your that has to say something.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 5, 2020 Posted January 5, 2020 Most people leave relationships for good reasons, because they've figured out it's not going to work long term. My ex talks about ex-girlfriends and previous dates more than I would like - but I think it's because he likes getting my feedback and insight on things, so tends to tell me everything. If your man is with you, it's for good reason. When I was much less secure, I used to worry that maybe my guy would be happier with someone or could find a better match. Now I realize this was a kind of self-sabotaging thinking. Now I get that I'm pretty freaking awesome and he's lucky to be with me, as I'm lucky to be with him. Learn to enjoy the moment, enjoy what you have. There's no one else quite like you, and I'm sure he appreciates you for your unique and irreplaceable qualities. 2
Author Msday91 Posted January 8, 2020 Author Posted January 8, 2020 He says I’m the best partner he’s had inside and out but why is my gut telling me different!?
kendahke Posted January 8, 2020 Posted January 8, 2020 On 1/4/2020 at 3:38 PM, Msday91 said: what if she came back now that they are older & more mature. To be honest these insecurities have been bothering me your time would be well spent with a therapist resolving this so it's not clouding future relationships with baseless doubts.
kendahke Posted January 8, 2020 Posted January 8, 2020 15 hours ago, Msday91 said: He says I’m the best partner he’s had inside and out but why is my gut telling me different!? perhaps because you'd rather be right than be in a relationship. Why do you esteem him as a liar?
smackie9 Posted January 8, 2020 Posted January 8, 2020 The only way to stop this sort of thing is to gain confidence in yourself. By having acceptance, that there may have been someone better, you know you are the best now if that makes any sense. You are fretting over nonsense. It's something you have no control over. People move on from their feelings about things and people. It's always changing. And if you are with the right person things only get better as time goes on.
fishlips Posted January 8, 2020 Posted January 8, 2020 People grow and change. It's entirely possible that there was nothing technically wrong with his first relationship, but he just grew out of it. I think you are making something out of nothing. Obviously, he wants to be with you. Stop these thoughts, before you lose him. Insecurity isn't attractive. 1
Author Msday91 Posted January 13, 2020 Author Posted January 13, 2020 For the vast majority of my 2 year relationship I feel like the luckiest lady alive. But I also have this sad feeling inside me that I cannot seem to shake no matter what I tell myself. I always planned to just sleep with one person, it’s just the way I was brought up and something that was at the top of my life plan list ( may sound weird but it meant everything to me , being brought up so traditionally ) At 24 I made a huge ( drunken ) mistake and slept with the wrong person. My ex who I for some reason was super into even though looking back he treated me like garbage. Before I met my now wonderful partner I had been with a total of 2 people. I know it’s not a lot but I really feel like I let myself ( and my partner down ). I can’t explain the feeling it’s just a super sad feeling in my heart that I wish I waited just a little bit longer to meet him then he’d be my one & only. Should I tell him or deal with it myself? If I tell him how would I word it. He knows I wasn’t a virgin when we met but he doesn’t know how I feel.
d0nnivain Posted January 13, 2020 Posted January 13, 2020 Deal with it yourself. He's your BF not your therapist or your confessor. 4
RecentChange Posted January 13, 2020 Posted January 13, 2020 I agree that counseling would be better than off loading this on your BF. A counselor can help you identify why you feel like you do, and help you with ways to think about the situation differently so you do not dwell on it. This isn't something your boyfriend can fix, nor change, nor should it really affect him. This is about your personal boundaries and the feelings you have surrounding them. Unloading this on your BF really isn't fair. It's not his burden to carry, it's one you have created for yourself. A load that now feels heavy, but you could choose to let go of. A counselor could help you get out from under this weight.
basil67 Posted January 13, 2020 Posted January 13, 2020 It's not causing an issue in your relationship and you can't change it anyway. Please don't put this one on your boyfriend. 1
snowboy91 Posted January 13, 2020 Posted January 13, 2020 2 hours ago, Msday91 said: He knows I wasn’t a virgin when we met but he doesn’t know how I feel. 1 minute ago, enigma32 said: The last thing you want to do to a happy relationship with a guy is to share your sexual history with him. Most guys expect their partner would have had some sexual history, but they don't want to know details of what they did. I don't think that's what would happen here if she was to bring it up. OP - I agree with the others and suggest that this sort of thing is best discussed with a therapist - that should help you accept it a little more. However I do also think that it is worth mentioning to your partner, you might unknowingly be acting strange and he might be getting worried about it. As you said, he knows you're not a virgin, and has decided to stay with you for 2 years. To me, that means it's not a deal breaker for him (in fact, it may not have even crossed his mind as an issue). Thus I'd think about the reasons why waiting for one person is important to you, and discuss those with a therapist.
Piddy Posted January 14, 2020 Posted January 14, 2020 (edited) Don't tell him. I dated a girl who had 13 partners before she was 19. This was a long time ago. She was promiscuous and enjoyed her sex. Nothing wrong with that. Some guys can handle knowing how many sex partners and some guys can't. Why take that chance. Deal with this on you own. It really has nothing to do with him. And 3 guys at 24 in this day in age is really nothing to worry about. Edited January 14, 2020 by Piddy 1
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