hopeless30 Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 I have an impossible choice , it is making me lose my mind and I am eaten up by guilt , sadness and deep loathing of myself. Several years ago i split up with my then girlfriend , she was pregnant with our child at the time , our relationship broke down badly and we split up although i continued to visit every day and was there for the birth of our son , i moved back in for a week afterwards but the relationship had gone and i moved out for good. We continued on , i visited every night after work and at times over the weekends and have a very amicable relationship which is good for our son who i love more than anything , but over time i have moved on and now live with someone else , i still go to see my son every other day , but it is hard juggling a relationship and my time with him I have never forgiven myself for the breakdown of our relationship then and am consumed by guilt over our son an not giving him the family life Now my ex has told me that she is going to move abroad , taking our son with her and has told me that she wants me to go too. I sit here every day thinking about it , it rips me apart to think of what i would do to my girlfriend if i left her , she would be devastated, she has no idea that i am considering leaving and i hate myself for doing that too her , but my problem is that I love my son more than life itself and i would love nothing more than to be with him every day and be a proper father to him , i couldn't bear it if i couldn't see him again , but i don't love my ex that way , whereas i do love my girlfriend very much and would be gutted if i had to give her up. So my impossible choice is leave my girlfriend who i love deeply and try to be a family for my son or stay and lose my son. It doesn't seem like a fair choice, sometimes i feel like giving up altogether
alphamale Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 ask your current g/f to move abroad with you. That way you can have your cake and eat it too
slubberdegullion Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 Any tough decision - well, any decision at all - can be made clearer by viewing the alternatives under the headings of: Respect;Responsibility;Integrity; and,Restraint. How you apply these to your current situation is, of course, entirely your affair, so I won't bore you by telling you what you should do. But I hope that, given these four words as your guiding ethos, you'll be able to make the right decision for yourself and for those around you. Good luck. This is a toughie, no question.
Oddone Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 Dude, this is a tough call. The love for your child is compelling for sure. I guess one has to weigh the possibility of moving so far away to be close to your child; however, you need to think clearly and realize that once there, you have to earn a living, find a home etc... Though, as the saying goes, "If there is a will, there is a way". If you have a good job whre you are. Maybe it's best to let your ex go and support the child as best you can from where you are. No sense being with them if you can't help support them. Your current g/f needs to be brought into the loop as clearly her life will be impacted major. How much do you love her? Can you live w/o her in your life? Would she actually condiser going with you? Crazy? Maybe not. I would put it out there atleast. Good luck with your decision. Take the time to weigh all the factors and try to think rationally vs. on pure emotion.
Author hopeless30 Posted October 4, 2005 Author Posted October 4, 2005 Thanks for the replies , job's not an issue , i work for myself from home in IT , i can take it anywhere , and my ex wants us to try the family thing so its an all or nothing situation . I know i will be choked to break up with my GF but equally the alternative is pretty unthinkable
westernxer Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 You should see how her job pans out before making a decision.
JaneInVegas Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 I am a female, in a somewhat similar situation. I won't bother you with all the details, but my 12 year old daughter worships her dad and has chosen to live with him instead of me. When I was faced with a similar dilemma as yours, I weighed out many factors, including - what would the home environment be for my daughter if I stayed? Her dad and I fight constantly, and I did not want to put her through that anymore. I knew there was no way her mother and father living together in the same house could provide her with a quality home life. So I did the hardest thing I've ever done in my life ... moved out without my daughter. Can you and your ex live together in peace and make a good stable environment for your child? What if you make a go of it, find that it's a totally intolerable situation, and have to move back out? How would that affect your child? In my opinion, you have to have some confidence in making things work out for the best for the long run. Best of luck to you, I hope everything works out okay. I'm sorry for your hard situation.
konfuzd Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 I'm not sure how old your son is, if he's the age to understand if you were to explain to him the situation. Break ups are very, very difficult to deal with, and at the time, it seems like your whole world is crashing down, but for the most part, we get over it and move on. Your girlfriend will be devistated, but given time, she will move on and get over it, (or decide you are important enough to move with you). Although hurt, she will understand why you made the choice you did. Your son may never understand why you chose another woman over your own flesh and blood. A feeling of rejection from a SO is far easier to deal with than the rejection from your own parent. You also have to consider that the stress of being away from your son may create a barrier with your gf, and then what happens? Sorry you're going thorough such a rough time, I hope you can make peace with whatever you decide.
Author hopeless30 Posted October 5, 2005 Author Posted October 5, 2005 Thanks for the replies , Jane , I get on with my ex fine , i have no idea what it will be like to live with her again , what you say is so right and it really worries me what will happen if we don't get on , but at the same time if i don't try then maybe i will never know . Konfuzd , I am thinking the same way as you , my son is 4 1/2 , i don't think i can cope if he is gone. I hope i can reconcile my thoughts and find some way to accept the decisions i have to make, i just know that i will carry massive guilt for dumping my GF but maybe that's the price i have to pay
hooghie Posted October 5, 2005 Posted October 5, 2005 you may want to consider going to court and trying to either stop her from moving, finding a compromise, or try to get custody of your son. I understand that she has a new job and sure, she deserves happiness too, but it shouldn't be completely at your expense and it's just now fair. You may be able to compromise where she can move, but will have to pay for a couple of trips of you going there or your son coming for extended visits. At any rate, I do NOT recommend moving to another country with someone you do not love. Lots of warning bells are going off....
westernxer Posted October 5, 2005 Posted October 5, 2005 I can hear those warning bells, too. Better consult your attorney before the move takes place.
This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted October 5, 2005 Posted October 5, 2005 I can hear those warning bells, too. Better consult your attorney before the move takes place. I agree. I see 3 options: 1) If you are confident you can work from anywhere, take Alphamale's suggestion and try getting your GF to move abroad with you. 2) How far is your ex moving? If it's not that far, you can visit every 2-3 months, perhaps. 3) Consult an attorney. Perhaps you can get your son to live with you for half of the year. Moving to a foreign country just following your ex, doesn't make sense. You know you won't be able to live together if you don't feel "that way" about her. You'll only be inviting a truckload of trouble in a foreign place. Wish you the best!!
pippen_2k Posted October 5, 2005 Posted October 5, 2005 Probably nothing to do with anything here, but it aint that easy to just pack up and move overseas by choice is it? Like work visa's dont last that long, and unless your married to a person from that country you cant stay? I dunno.. that was just my assumption.
This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted October 5, 2005 Posted October 5, 2005 Good point, Pippen_2k. Although he does say that he "works from home" for an IT company...so presumably he can work from anywhere. Not sure about this one though, there are still a lot of glitches involved, like his company's readiness to put up with it. Most importantly, he cannot stay in a foreign country for more than a few months on a tourist or visitor visa - either he has to be married to someone there or he has to have a valid work visa. And as far as I know, even Canada requires US citizens to have their passports and Visas ready now!! Moral of the story: It's damn difficult to move to a foreign country without having an established resource (job etc), and every minute particle of trouble gets ultra-magnified. Believe me, I have first rate experience of this. So think through every little action and all possible consquences before you do anything.
Author hopeless30 Posted October 5, 2005 Author Posted October 5, 2005 Thanks for your replies , its so hard to think with my head , when i can't think straight , my son is the reason i haven't been able to move on , i have always put him first , always will . Its too late to get an attorney , they leave next Tuesday I get 90 days , after which i have to leave and return on an investors visa I think my ex is using my son as a way to get me back , its effective , it frys my brain. I love my GF , but maybe i can love my ex again ? There are no circumstances where my GF could come with. I feel like i am going to regret the decision i make but i still can't stop myself
westernxer Posted October 5, 2005 Posted October 5, 2005 It's not too late to do anything, unless you're afraid to assert yourself.
This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted October 6, 2005 Posted October 6, 2005 Yeah...actually, the only thing it's too late for, is packing up your bags and leaving the country in a week!! Don't be in such a hurry, you won't gain anything from being impulsive here. Besides, it's not like she's moving to another planet! About the tourist visa and the investor visa (that's a new one!), the time and expenses involved will not be worth it. It's better to somehow have your son be with you for at least half the year. I know, consulting an attorney and going through all the complicated processes is a royal pain. Besides, you were never married to your ex, right? (sorry if I missed something there). So she will have the first right to the child. But you can definitely try. I love my GF , but maybe i can love my ex again ? If you can achieve that feat, you'd have it made. Only you would know for sure. I can only say that try not to get so frazzled, and think of any and all alternatives that will minimize the risk for you.
Author hopeless30 Posted October 15, 2005 Author Posted October 15, 2005 I did it , despite the best advice of this site , i still went ahead and followed them. I have learnt 2 things , I love spending time more time with my son , its amazing being with him more , I don't love my ex and never will in that way , only as a friend and as a person who shares my love of my son . I made the wrong decision , this will never work.
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