I met a girl and we kissed on the first date, but on the second date she didn't want to kiss. Is she interested?

[AndyFinn]

Hi everyone,

I'm a 30-year-old expat living in Germany. For a bit of perspective, I don’t have a lot of experience with women, I was an introvert until 3 years ago, and the last 6 years weren’t easy, so I wanted to focus on sorting my life before even considering dating. Anyway, I met this girl (25, first year studying dentistry) at a Salsa party in December and felt she may be interested. I asked if we could meet at the Christmas Market on Sunday 2 days later. Anyway, we met and talked, and afterwards she invited me to her apartment. We chatted a bit more, then I suggested we dance a bit of Salsa. The chemistry was so good that we ended up kissing, which kind of surprised me. I like to take things slow, so I didn't push for anything more. We danced a bit more and had a few kisses, but we called it a night and I went home after asking her when she had time for a second date.

I suggested to cook together at her place or mine, and she told me we can meet at my place. When we met, I somehow felt that she was nervous or stressed. I asked her if she felt alright, but she said it's nothing. We weren't hungry yet, so I decided dancing would help making the atmosphere a bit better. Now, I don't have a lot of experience with women, so I thought if she didn't have a problem with us kissing on the first date, she wouldn't have a problem with it now.

When I tried to go for the kiss, she blocked me. I was a bit hurt and confused, but thought the atmosphere was already off, so maybe that's why she blocked me. We cooked and ate, though it still felt awkward. After that we sat on the couch and talked, with her asking questions about me, my life before moving to Germany, my hobbies and so on. I'm not sure what happened, but the more I talked about myself, about my time here and the fun I had with my colleagues from my previous job, it seemed she felt a bit more comfortable. She got up to drink some water then sat really close to me and took my hand in hers. We kept talking, and then started dancing again.

This time the feeling was great, there was definitely chemistry, the air was charged the same as the first date, and we danced a lot closer than what would be considered friendly. But when I tried to kiss her, she blocked me again. So this time I asked what's going on. She said she likes dancing with me, but she's not sure if she wants kissing to be involved. I asked her if she didn't feel anything and she said she definitely feels the chemistry and that she finds me attractive, but she's not sure if something can come out of this. I told her I don't see where the problem is exactly, but if she felt that way, she can have some space and time to think about it over the holidays.

I also made it clear that I like her, but I wouldn't want to keep meeting her and dancing if she didn't feel the same way. It's no longer platonic from my side, so if she's not interested in a relationship, it will hurt me if I don't build some distance. As we were discussing things we sat on the couch, and again she cuddled to me and took my hand in hers, which confused me; is she interested or not? (I asked some of my friends, men and women, and they all told me she wouldn't sit so close if she didn't have feelings for me, even if she doesn't want to kiss yet)

To be honest, after we said our goodbyes, I wasn't expecting to hear from her, but 2 days later she started texting me, asking how the Christmas Party at my job was. I thought we agreed no texting to give her space, but decided to write her back as much as she's writing me. If there was something there, then it wouldn't be good if we didn't stay in touch over the holidays. So we kept in touch and texted each other every other day.

I just came back and thought we should meet somewhere neutral, so I suggested we meet at the park. We caught up on what happened during the holidays, then she suggested we get back to her place since it was getting chilly, and so that we can cook and maybe dance if I don't have a problem with it. I said it was fine by me, so we went back and cooked, talked a bit more, but I decided not to try kissing her, just talking to get to know each other and for her to be comfortable with me around. Time flew by, she had some studying to do, and I needed to sort some things out at my place, so we decided to skip dancing and call it a day.

Another confusing point is that, as far as I know, a girl whose leading you on wouldn't always be available. But she consistently replys to my texts, and always seems to have time to hang out. For example, she has an exam in 2 weeks, so I told her we could meet on more time this week, maybe Wednesday, and not meet on the weekend or next week till she's done with the exam. I was surprised when she said she's actually fine with meeting on the weekend for a bit too, and that having an exam doesn't mean studying 24/7.

Now, I'm a bit torn because I'm not sure what to do. There are a lot of signs hinting that she likes me; she feels the chemistry (especially when we dance), us talking almost always involves her asking private questions about my life (my family, hobbies, do I want to settle in Germany, friends etc.). I ask her questions about herself too, but she defenitely asks more, and I have the habit of talking too much :D

I asked my friends about it, one of them a girl, and they also say that she's interested, but it seems something is holding her back. Maybe she wants to focus on her studies, maybe she doesn't have a lot of experience, maybe it's went too fast the first date (I remember her saying that she wasn't expecting/planning for anything to happen the first time she invited me over, and asked if I planned for the first kiss to happen). They suggested I let her decide the pace, but still make it clear that I want a relationship. And I'm fine with taking it really slow, so long as that's what she also wants.

But how do I do that? If we dance and the atmosphere gets as charged as the last time, should I go for the kiss? Should I ask her before it? Should I broach the subject with her, or will that put too much pressure on her, especially since I did put her on the spot a bit on the second date?

Just one point, I don’t care much if she says no kissing until she’s more comfortable, so long as she’s not leading me on. I want this to work, but if she doesn’t reciprocate, then I would rather know sooner than later. But how can I do that tactfully?

[ThorntonMelon]

I'd highly recommend that you not dance again with her for a while. The two of you are clearly not feeling things the same way.

You didn't put her on the spot, except when you tried to kiss her the second time after you got shot down.

You have two choices - go out with her, do not make a move, do not dance with her, do not talk about it, and just enjoy the company. You can decide whether or not you're happy with that arrangement. You have every right to tell her at every time that you would prefer to date someone comfortable showing forms of romantic intimacy whenever you want.

Other move is put it on the table right now that you're really looking to spend time with a potential romantic partner right now and if she only sees you as a platonic friend, as much as you enjoy her company, you think it would best best to go your separate directions. Thats plenty tactful. But do not make it about dancing or kissing - she told you flat out that she isn't sure she sees something coming out of dating you - and it sounds like you'd prefer to not spend time with her if you're only in the friend zone. 

Just be confident in who you are and what you want, the ball is as much in your court as hers. 

 

[Ruby Slippers]

No offense, but your original post is very long and most people won't read all that. Can you write the short version of the story? I think you'll get more feedback that way.

[carhill]

If she finds you attractive, she'll want to kiss you. If, after kissing you, she's not feeling it, she won't likely repeat the experience to be sure. It's either there or not, generally.

IMO, never ask a woman to kiss them. Lead. They know how to dodge if not in the mood. Time and experience will assist in telling by her facial expressions and body language when/where/how she is open to that.

Welcome to LS!

[healing light]

Hmm. Well, I think maybe she dodged the kiss the second time because she didn't want it to lead further to sex, since you guys were on a home date (my hunch with her nervousness and her serious course of study may be that she's inexperienced or wants to take it slower sexually). I second the dancing comment, I would just continue to enjoy her company without pressuring that she makes a decision about whether this is a relationship or where it's going. Those kinds of discussions on date two may be too much too soon for most people.

Relax and enjoy her company; if she's giving you the body language that she's into it on future dates, try again in the future for the kiss. If she stops accepting your invites or rejects your advances, let it fade out.

Edited January 14, 2020 by healing light

[smackie9]

She was nervous at your place because she was worried your expectation would be sex, so she put up boundaries to make sure things wouldn't escalate to that. She likes you but wants to be cautious about how things will go. Accept that she will be ok with courting, and some kissing, cuddling. She wants this to be right, so like the above post, relax and enjoy her company for now. Take her out on dates...none of this stuff at home.

Edited January 14, 2020 by smackie9

[Miss Spider]

She told you that she’s not interested. Sorry. That likely has not changed. She just wants to be friends. I would move on and find someone interested. 

I agree that there needs to be a tl;dr on this 

[preraph]

I don't know why she keeps inviting you over to her place if she's worried about that leading to sex, but to me this sounds like someone who just wants a dancing partner more than anything else. If she doesn't start warming up soon I would ditch her. 

[AndyFinn]

18 hours ago, ThorntonMelon said:

I'd highly recommend that you not dance again with her for a while. The two of you are clearly not feeling things the same way.

You didn't put her on the spot, except when you tried to kiss her the second time after you got shot down.

You have two choices - go out with her, do not make a move, do not dance with her, do not talk about it, and just enjoy the company. You can decide whether or not you're happy with that arrangement. You have every right to tell her at every time that you would prefer to date someone comfortable showing forms of romantic intimacy whenever you want.

Other move is put it on the table right now that you're really looking to spend time with a potential romantic partner right now and if she only sees you as a platonic friend, as much as you enjoy her company, you think it would best best to go your separate directions. Thats plenty tactful. But do not make it about dancing or kissing - she told you flat out that she isn't sure she sees something coming out of dating you - and it sounds like you'd prefer to not spend time with her if you're only in the friend zone. 

Just be confident in who you are and what you want, the ball is as much in your court as hers. 

 

Thanks for the advice. But what's the difference between your two choices exactly? It sounds like both put her on the spot one way or another.

For example, you mentioned I shouldn't dance with her. Does that include saying no if she asks me to dance with her next time? like healing light posted, that kind of talk again would be too much. Should I dance with her as I would with a romantic partner, not as a friend or dance partner, and see where this goes again?

16 hours ago, healing light said:

Hmm. Well, I think maybe she dodged the kiss the second time because she didn't want it to lead further to sex, since you guys were on a home date (my hunch with her nervousness and her serious course of study may be that she's inexperienced or wants to take it slower sexually). I second the dancing comment, I would just continue to enjoy her company without pressuring that she makes a decision about whether this is a relationship or where it's going. Those kinds of discussions on date two may be too much too soon for most people.

Relax and enjoy her company; if she's giving you the body language that she's into it on future dates, try again in the future for the kiss. If she stops accepting your invites or rejects your advances, let it fade out.

Thanks for the insight. That's more or less what I did on our third date. But what did you mean by the dancing comment? Did you mean not ask her to dance?

We're having our fourth date this weekend, and she hinted already at wanting to dance last time, but I kinda kept the focus on talking till the end. If she asks me to dance again, should I dance with her as I would with a romantic partner, not a friend or dance partner, and see how she reacts?

Or should I be honest and tell her I'm not comfortable with dancing until I know what's between us? (I told her on the second date that I like her, but I don't want to dance or meet if she only sees me as a friend. That's why I told her to think it over during the holidays). Or do you think asking this on the 4th date would still be too much too soon?

Or do you have a better option I'm missing?

Edited January 15, 2020 by AndyFinn

[carhill]

Think less, feel more, accept the results. Mating isn't a math problem

[Miss Spider]

The better option is to move on. She didn’t want to kiss you..she doesn’t see you “like that” I’m sorry. She basically told you that she was only interested in platonic. So the only alternative is to wait around and be an orbiter 

[healing light]

Make sure the fourth date isn't in a home setting. Let the rest just flow naturally. If you guys are getting on really well and it seems like you're going to kiss, lean in and see what her reaction is. Don't focus too much on the dancing--I think you'll have more of your answer in a public setting than a home setting where anything physical might be confounded by thoughts of sex. If she asks you and you want to dance and you're in an appropriate dance setting, just have fun with it. Don't overanalyze, this is the phase that should be light-hearted and fun. 

[AndyFinn]

Ok, so I thought an update would be good to close this up. We met yesterday at her place, and after talking a bit, I asked her to tell me where I stand exactly. Apparently she's interested, but she felt no "spark" when we first kissed. Kindda sucks, but that's how it is. Part of me wanted to push for a better explanation, but I thought enough's enough. I told her I understand and left shortly after. I thought I would be more upset, but not as much as I thought. It's a bit of a relief, to be honest.

Edited January 18, 2020 by AndyFinn

[preraph]

At least she told you so you can just walk away.  

[spiderowl]

She seems to like you a lot so this is a shame.  I think if you back off and start to consider other women, she might just change her mind.  Sometimes attraction is triggered by unavailability.  Remain confident that you are an attractive guy and leave her be.  Go about your life as normal and see what happens.  If she still keeps calling you to meet her, say you can't a few times.  Keep her guessing about what you are doing.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Hey, don't worry about further explanations. She didn't enjoy the kiss is what it amounts to. I have decided not to date people because of bad breath, atrocious kissing technique, etc. and that often translates/relates to how you feel about someone as first impressions. Just don't allow her to use you as her fwb (without the sex) or hang-0ut buddy. You are looking for a relationship and don't have time for that.

[fromheart]

There's only one thing to do if a woman doesn't kiss you back.  Leave.  Or of she's at your place, politely show her the door.  Anything else is just a mess, confusion and time wasting. 

Anything else makes you come across as needy, which confirms her lowered attraction.  And it also opens the way for her to keep you in 'second place,' which is what she's doing with the gay guy friend hugs and dancing.

The BS movies teach men to chase until she finally gives in.  In real life this is pathetic, needy and somewhat stalker like behavior.  Its a matter of self respect also, I'm not going to try and entertain a woman who just blocked my kiss.  And if you date her again, it'll just happen again.

If she like you, she would have kissed you back.  That's what your looking for and that's what you deserve.  Settle for less and that's what you'll get.

She'll probably reach out to you if you walk away, it usually happens like that.  However, it will always come back to this same point.  You could forever show her the door, she feels pain and comes back to you in a vicious circle.  She then complains that she's being treated badly but can't let go, of an unavailable bad boy.

Or you could get relaxed and think everything is ok, only to find she does the same thing again.  A blocked kiss in the early stages, is a blocked connection.  Let it go. 

Edited January 23, 2020 by fromheart