FMW Posted January 13, 2020 Posted January 13, 2020 I don't really get telling her to never be alone with him again. He hasn't done anything that shows him to be a danger to her - he didn't live up to his contracting responsibilities and was willing to take her money when offered and have consensual sex. He didn't forcibly steal anything from her. So sure, you don't want her to spend time with him but probably more out of jealousy or insecurity. Or maybe more likely - you simply don't trust her to not engage with him again in some sort of inappropriate way. So if that's the case, if you don't trust her, then there probably isn't any point in going forward with her. I'm not making any judgments on what she did or your reaction to it, just saying that to me it all comes down to trusting her or not. Only you can figure out the answer to that.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 13, 2020 Posted January 13, 2020 5 hours ago, Ellener said: Admitting when we really screw up proves she's relationship deep material to me, because she'll forgive you and love you if you ever do. She can't not tell this - it was a series of major blunders that will become obvious in any case, given the major blow to her finances. Doing something stupid (three stupid things) years ago is one thing. Doing stupid things 4 months ago shows where their mind was at very recently. OatsAndHall is gonna do what he's gonna do. Since I myself have learned through experience that every decision I make impacts the future course of the rest of my life - and that's why I make smart, carefully considered decisions - I'd have serious reservations about further merging my life with this person. I don't think I could proceed unless she showed a very serious resolve and took quick action to clean up the huge mess she made. The last thing you should do is clean up the mess for her in any way. Advise and support, sure. But it's her huge mess to clean up, not yours. 2
SumGuy Posted January 13, 2020 Posted January 13, 2020 18 hours ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said: I think I'd be a little worried about her overall judgment to be honest. Exactly, and not so much thew sleeping with him (although that is part of it) but lending him money. Also makes me wonder what kind of guy this is that asked for money in the first place from a client, that he slept with. 2
thefooloftheyear Posted January 13, 2020 Posted January 13, 2020 19 hours ago, OatsAndHall said: La Last night, she told me that, back in September, she had felt lonely and had not only slept with the contractor and paid him up front but that she had loaned him money. It appears to me as if they slept together, she gave him the money and he has pretty much disappeared on her. She doesn't have anything in writing with the guy so she might simply be SOL. He has a trailer full of contracting equipment sitting in her drive way but he has only been back on two occasions to do work since their tryst. She stated that her judgement in the situation was poor all around and it was obvious that it was very difficult and embarrassing for her to come out and tell me what had happened. N Looks like he got the hat trick..... But really, she sounds unstable and lacks common sense....I wouldn't hang around 5 minutes for that, and to be honest, the fact that she told you about it, is even more worrisome...Those types of bonehead moves you gotta take to your grave, be it man or woman.. TFY 1 1
Miss Spider Posted January 13, 2020 Posted January 13, 2020 Um yea... it’s one thing to be desperate enough to sleep with him. But then pay him upfront, and THEN lend him money ? Then he leaves all his tools? It’s just weird. Bad judgment is an understatement ... 1
lurker74 Posted January 13, 2020 Posted January 13, 2020 Interesting responses and very LS in nature. Loveshack, to put it mildly, has a very black and white way of looking at things. Sadly, most things are gray. @OatsAndHall, this is gray. She volunteered information about herself about which she was embarrassed. Let's break it down. She slept with him. Who cares? Sure, you shouldn't poop where you eat but this board is filled with people having flings with people with whom they work. It pre-dated the OatsandHall and she is apparently no longer sleeping with him. If we advised breaking off every relationship that ever had a pre-dated poor judgement partner, we could shut down the Marriage forum. She contracted him and prepaid. Technically that's two things but let's lump it together. I don't quite know the sequence of how she paid versus had sex but I am seems she contracted him and then subsequently slept with him. This falls squarely into the, that was dumb, box. But this world if FULL of people who have prepaid on work that they should have held off on. She loaned him money. OK, in isolation, this also is in the, that was dumb, box. Not sure on the amount. If it was a couple hundred, kiss it goodbye. If it's 4 figures or more, then OP is not right in saying it's a gift (that is a question for a legal forum though). Still, many people have stupidly loan money to someone they should not have loaned money. OK, so the real question is the sin greater than the sum of its parts? In other words, is she someone less fit than someone that made one of those mistakes? My view is...probably not. She was obviously idiotic but many people are that way at times and not at others. Ultimately, if I really liked her, I'd appreciate her honesty and move on. I would suggest that she not prepay people on things and talk about times I've inappropriately loaned someone money, but I've done more stupid things than I can count and hope that LS doesn't condemn me to a lifetime of loneliness for it. Having said that, if OatsAndHall doesn't trust the contractor and that is why he doesn't think she should be alone with him, I agree. If OatsAndHall doesn't trust his GF alone with contractor, then paraphasing @mark clemson, there ain't much to salvage in the first place. 4
FMW Posted January 13, 2020 Posted January 13, 2020 3 hours ago, lurker74 said: if OatsAndHall doesn't trust the contractor and that is why he doesn't think she should be alone with him, I agree What would he not trust him about, I'm just not clear on that honestly. Not to hit on his girlfriend? Not to ask for more money? In both of those cases she can just say no, no reason to say she can't be alone with him.
Ellener Posted January 13, 2020 Posted January 13, 2020 4 hours ago, lurker74 said: She was obviously idiotic but many people are that way at times and not at others. Ultimately, if I really liked her, I'd appreciate her honesty and move on. I would suggest that she not prepay people on things and talk about times I've inappropriately loaned someone money, but I've done more stupid things than I can count and hope that LS doesn't condemn me to a lifetime of loneliness for it. Amen. I'd hate to be judged on my worst moments, good Lord I've done some crazy crap at times! Two friends called me yesterday needing money too, I was tempted to help, sometimes we just do because we can and we can see someone needs it. Because I'd rather be a generous stupid person than a mean sensible one any day! So many people post here saying they have no one to love or love them, well, @OP, you do. Go with the flow, and yes of course if this is par for the course with her then you won't be able to stay with her, but you're enjoying what you have for now. Just my thoughts. 1
lurker74 Posted January 14, 2020 Posted January 14, 2020 17 hours ago, Finding my way said: What would he not trust him about, I'm just not clear on that honestly. Not to hit on his girlfriend? Not to ask for more money? In both of those cases she can just say no, no reason to say she can't be alone with him. No idea...but he presumably know the situation better than us and he said he wasn't comfortable. I can distinguish if were isn't comfortable because of her (in which case he should end the relationship) or because of him (in which case, I can understand his desire to not leave her alone with him).
ThorntonMelon Posted January 14, 2020 Posted January 14, 2020 Lurker's post above is of course very good. I'd say the odds you know 100% of the story aren't very high, because the story as it stands doesn't make very much sense. I suspect you've been told the parts you might be able to figure out over time. That said, if it occurred before you got together, who knows how material the information you don't know is. I don't think it's ever a very good idea to tell someone they can't spend time around someone else. I'd probably tell her you said that out of frustration for her and the situation but you trust her to handle things as she sees fit and you hope you can support her as best you can through this stress. Or otherwise dump her and leave. Hard to see a middle ground.
gaius Posted January 14, 2020 Posted January 14, 2020 It's not really about whether Oats is right or wrong in asking her not to be alone with him. Or what every guy on this threads internet standards for a woman are. On the internet you might not accept anything less than a perfect 10 who has all her finances in order, you internet studs you, but it didn't seem like he was asking if he should dump this woman or not. Again, if you want to stay with this woman you need to take charge of the situation yourself. Putting the burden on her to continue to try and deal with this guy who not only stole from her but took advantage of her sexually might make the feminists on twitter proud but it's the total opposite of masculine. It makes you seem weak and submissive to him and that you don't wear the pants. Which is the biggest danger to your relationship. Not them being alone together. How you decide to deal with the issue financially is something you can both sit down and come up with a solution to, but from now on, it's you who deals with this contractor face to face.
smackie9 Posted January 14, 2020 Posted January 14, 2020 TBH I don't think it was fair to dump this on you. Yes it was none of your business but telling you about it, does make it your business. Sure we all have done something stupid in our pasts, but hey why the hell bring it up?...I would never admit/confess to something like that myself. I think it was stupid move on her part...what the hell is she getting out of this tell you? Now here you are, stressed about it, and questioning things...ya it would weigh heavy on anyone's mind. I wouldn't be very happy about it. That would be like a new guy I was dating telling me about boinkin his daughter's teacher one night after a teacher's meeting. Like come on. 2 1
Miss Spider Posted January 14, 2020 Posted January 14, 2020 (edited) The only reason I can think of her late night confessional is because she’s feeling guilty about it. Something tells me there’s more to this story. Seems off and I think OP feels it too, that’s why it’s bothering him so much Edited January 14, 2020 by Cookiesandough
Miss Spider Posted January 14, 2020 Posted January 14, 2020 (edited) Yea I wouldn’t be surprised if she still has feels for him or something. I don’t know if women really loan men they’re sleeping with money unless they really like them... He definitely had the power in the dynamic. Then he took money and ghosted. ? I feel op has every right to be uneasy. I see a pattern here and sometimes irl where men are wayyyy more trusting/willing to give the benefit of the doubt to their partners. Almost to a fault Edited January 14, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1
preraph Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 I think she's only telling you half the story. Going by what they say about police interrogations, they say most people tell you some truth but not all, but that the parts they tell you may well be true, but it's only part of it. Sounds like she had quite a thing with this guy. It almost sounds like he was living there because he still leaves his tools there. And by the way, HOW is he doing other jobs if his tools are always at HER house, so he MUST be coming and taking them and then bringing them back or he wouldn't be able to work. 1
chillii Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 (edited) That's what l wondered , how is he not working all this time if he needed money, living on what she gave him. ? That must've been quite a bit in that case. And if there wasn't more to this then she could hold that trailer somewhere else until he pays up. Edited January 15, 2020 by chillii 2
Ruby Slippers Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 On 1/14/2020 at 2:07 PM, gaius said: How you decide to deal with the issue financially is something you can both sit down and come up with a solution to, but from now on, it's you who deals with this contractor face to face. I like you, and I'm not a feminist, but it's insulting to suggest he rescue this grown woman like she's a kitten who got hit by a car. She made this mess. She needs to clean it up. Unless he's one of those guys who wants to be cleaning up his woman's messes for the rest of his life - bad idea to play the white knight to a "damsel" who laid herself down in distress's path.
spiderowl Posted January 17, 2020 Posted January 17, 2020 I would guess that she thought she was in a relationship with this guy at the time and (rather foolishly) trusted him. This is obviously an ongoing worrying situation for her and she realised if he does come back to do the work, you are likely to be suspicious. She probably doesn’t want to take him to court but if she has any evidence of payment or loan made to him, she should sue him. i can’t imagine why he would have left the truck there. That is just weird, unless he has taken a job for another company where all tools/equipment are supplied. He will almost certainly be back for it when he needs it. Have you asked her why she decided to tell you? It was prob difficult for her to do. i doubt she would get back with him if he has treated her like that. The good thing is she told you. It would probably have come out anyway but your opinion of her matters enough that she wanted you to accept her despite her embarrassment over this. I would still be alert to naive actions on her part but it depends what experience she has had of life and also what you expect of a partner.
Gaeta Posted January 17, 2020 Posted January 17, 2020 Does she have proof of payment to that contractor? The tools he left in front of her house is worth money, I would help myself of some of those good tools that can be sold. I would sent that contractor a message telling him if he doesn't finish his job soon I will sell his tools and pay myself back. If she refuses to take actions toward that contractor, personally this is not the type of person I'd want to be in a relationship with, and I'd suspect she gave me the better version of her story. She's a grown woman, I am sure she is not 20 anymore, why does she care what her family will say. And, you really think this contractor will tell her family 'hey I have slept with your mom/daughter/sister and I took advantage of her vulnerability and ran away with her money!'? nah! People get themselves in bad situations, it's what they do with it that's important. 1
rightondude Posted January 18, 2020 Posted January 18, 2020 I'd be OK looking past this if dude's tools weren't sitting in her driveway. That shows a level of comfort of just dropping by to "help himself" whenever. She should contact him then call the cops or a lawyer and tell them she's going to be getting remittance in the form of said tools unless this tool removes said tools without pulling out his tool next time.
Andy_K Posted January 18, 2020 Posted January 18, 2020 On 1/14/2020 at 10:55 PM, Cookiesandough said: I don’t know if women really loan men they’re sleeping with money unless they really like them... Wanted to highlight this. At first I thought if she's telling you about a guy she slept with then most of the time there's nothing to worry about, because if there was she'd just not tell you, but lending a guy money is a very high interest action. The only reason she's telling you is because he's basically discarded her. Make no mistake, if he wanted to sleep with her again he could, and you'd never know. Unless you are absolutely confident she's infatuated with you now, you're the backup/rebound option. 1
Author OatsAndHall Posted January 18, 2020 Author Posted January 18, 2020 (edited) Update I'm not going to call it off with her over this situation. Yes, it has me a bit uneasy and she showed poor judgement but she acknowledged those things, openly. It'd be a different story if she tried to play the victim; she knows she screwed up by loaning him money and by paying him upfront. Who she slept with is her business; she's a grown woman and I'm certainly not going to judge her on that. I'd hate to be judged on my sexual activity over the last year. With all of that being said, very little felt right and she brought up the situation on two other occasions. I gradually got more information about the situation; she divulged some things and I did do a little bit of "nudging". She knew the guy in a social manner ("friend" of her family) before she hired him to to the contracting work and they were basically having a fling. She thought it had the potential to go some where and she was obviously wrong. She didn't divulge that in a manner that was trying to excuse her actions; it was simply a statement of fact. She showed poor judgement but that bit of information takes a little bit of the edge off of it for me. Once he disappeared from the contracting work, he also disappeared from the lives of her daughter and son-in-law; he won't return their texts or phone calls either. Her son-in-law and daughter mentioned that when we were hanging out with them last week. I found out that I know the guy she was involved with and I am glad that I asked her to stay away from him. His name has come up in my social circles and it's never in a positive light; he has a problem with alcohol and "other substances". He is a potentially dangerous individual and that statistics on acquaintance sexual assault don't lie. I told her that I knew him, that he had a questionable past and that I wouldn't have recommended that she do the contracting work if her and I had been seeing one another at the time. From what I have gathered from listening to a brief conversation between her daughter, her son-in-law, and herself, he was squeaky clean when they were around him. He either had them thoroughly snowed, they're not a good judge of character or both. But, that's done, in the past and not my business. If the guy is remaining true to his history/character, he got the money, started hitting the bottle hard and disappeared. @rightondude: she and her family have been texting him for months to either do the work or get his tools. She finally did exactly what you described; she called the cops and the cops contacted him and told them to get them out of her driveway. They were gone the next day. If they weren't moved this week, her son-in-law was going to haul the trailer down to his shop. She may take him to small claims court to get her money back, she may not. I would honestly be more comfortable if the situation just went away but it's not my money we're talking about. And, honestly, given this guy's past reputation, she'd be lucky if he showed up to court or get any money out of him. It'd be a long, PITA process but that's her business, not mine. Yeah, the situation is crap and it still makes me a bit edgy. But, she's a far better woman than many I have dated and given the benefit of the doubt to so I will continue to do so. I will be paying attention for any further serious lapses of judgement for awhile though. Edited January 18, 2020 by OatsAndHall 3 1
chillii Posted January 19, 2020 Posted January 19, 2020 lt's all we can do with whatever situations we find ourselves in with a partner really and take it from there , in or out. Good luck with things eh. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted January 19, 2020 Posted January 19, 2020 She's lucky to have such an understanding man. Good luck with this! 2
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