OatsAndHall Posted January 12, 2020 Posted January 12, 2020 (edited) Last night, I was laying in bed with my girlfriend and she slyly asked if there were any "deep dark secrets" she needed to know. I found the question fairly odd as I've been open with her about quite a few things with her and we've established a pretty open avenue of communication. Little did I know she was leading into dropping a bit of information on me that I am still trying to process. We talked through everything last night as adults but the conversation and the situation still have me a little uneasy. When we first began dating, she told me she was frustrated because she was having the interior of her home renovated and the contractor had flaked out on her. She stated that it was a friend of her daughter and son-in-law, that she had paid for everything up front (bad idea) back in September and that he had done almost no work since she paid him. This is pretty evident by looking at the interior of her house as there's work that needs to be done. It was something that she was quite upset over and I actually had to calm her down a little bit when she went on a rant with one night. Last night, she told me that, back in September, she had felt lonely and had not only slept with the contractor and paid him up front but that she had loaned him money. It appears to me as if they slept together, she gave him the money and he has pretty much disappeared on her. She doesn't have anything in writing with the guy so she might simply be SOL. He has a trailer full of contracting equipment sitting in her drive way but he has only been back on two occasions to do work since their tryst. She stated that her judgement in the situation was poor all around and it was obvious that it was very difficult and embarrassing for her to come out and tell me what had happened. Now, all and all, none of this is my business as it's her past. We're going fairly strong, she has been open and honest with me about a lot of things and I trust her. I did thank her for telling me about it though as these things have a way of popping up down the road and it can be more difficult to process later on. I think it would've been a little more difficult for me to process if it just came up out of the blue if we're seeing each other six months from now. Now, I won't lie, as much as this really isn't my business, the whole situation has me uneasy. She could tell that I was a bit bothered by the situation and she asked me if I was upset. I told her that I wasn't angry but that the thought of her being alone in her house with this guy had my hackles up. She slept with the guy, loaned him money, paid for a ton of work upfront and he hasn't gotten ten percent of it done. I told her that I felt like the whole situation just felt wrong to me and she asked what she could do to help alleviate some of my anxieties. At first, I told her that I just needed to process it a bit, that I trusted her and again, thanked her for telling me about the situation when she honestly didn't have to. But, she pressed the issue so I asked that she not be alone in the house with the guy if he was doing work. I feel bad about asking that of her as it's her house but a) again, there's a lot of things that don't feel right about this situation and b) if her description of the guy's behavior is accurate, she could be putting herself in a potentially dangerous situation. He slept with her, took her money and hasn't done any work; he doesn't seem like the kind of person you'd want to be alone with. She agreed that she didn't think it was a good idea to be home alone with him but I still feel like I may have been out of line in asking that of her. I'd like some overall thoughts on the situation. Edited January 12, 2020 by OatsAndHall 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 12, 2020 Posted January 12, 2020 I think I'd be a little worried about her overall judgment to be honest. 9 1
Author OatsAndHall Posted January 12, 2020 Author Posted January 12, 2020 6 minutes ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said: I think I'd be a little worried about her overall judgment to be honest. Yes, that is something that has been weighing on my mind. She did manage to ease that worry by continually saying that she knows that it was poor judgment on her part and that she is embarrassed by it. She hasn't given me any reason to trust her judgment other than this situation so I'm a little more at ease. 2
preraph Posted January 13, 2020 Posted January 13, 2020 I don't see a reason to worry about her being alone with him. Obviously he's likely not coming around for sex or work anymore anyway, but if I was her, I'd get an attorney on it if it was enough money to justify that. Women are often desperate for men who can do handymen things. I know I am. The woman down the block has a guy who will tell her he can do anything but leaves it hanging or doesn't know how to finish it -- and she's known this for about 3 years or more because she told me so about 3 years ago. He is a good looking guy and she was sleeping with him, but she said she had to make him go away because like clockwork every three weeks, he loses it and punches the wall. But I still see his truck over there from time to time. She's done an endless amount of work on her home and I think he starts it and then she has to pay someone to finish it. It's nuts. It's very easy to get in a bad situation with these guys, speaking as a woman. I at least wasn't sleeping with the guy, but I did get taken advantage of real bad once. If I was having extensive work done at this point, I would call my insurance agent and ask them for a referral, simply because if they know the insurance company referred them, they won't want to lose that big business. In fact, the man who took advantage of me and quit before the job was done and soaked me for a lot of money ended up here sent by the insurance company when I had a water heater break and had to have a lot of work done. I knew it was him and he knew I knew it was him, but he behaved himself so as not to lose his State Farm contract. I'd stay as far out of her problems as you can given everything that's been going on and the tentativeness of your relationship. 1
Author OatsAndHall Posted January 13, 2020 Author Posted January 13, 2020 @preraph I certainly plan on staying out of the whole thing. I did suggest that she get a lawyer to handle it and she said the legal costs would outweigh the money she paid for the renovation. And, she certainly wouldn't be able to get the money back that she loaned him. I also don't know how far she is going to pursue any of this as she is embarrassed by the fact that she slept with him and he is friends with her family. I am the only person that knows she slept with him or loaned him money. Honestly, I am thinking he will either just grab his stuff and disappear or he will do a quick, crap job with it.
preraph Posted January 13, 2020 Posted January 13, 2020 Why would he leave his tools there? Is he homeless? Because every construction guys worst nightmare is losing their tools. 5
Author OatsAndHall Posted January 13, 2020 Author Posted January 13, 2020 (edited) I don't know and that bothers me. I've worked for a number of contractors as a laborer over the summers and I've never seen one leave their tools sitting in front of a job and not do any work. Like I said, the entire situation just seems shady and weird. Edited January 13, 2020 by OatsAndHall 1
preraph Posted January 13, 2020 Posted January 13, 2020 Maybe his trailer full of equipment is actually stolen. or maybe he is just giving that up so he doesn't have to face her about the loan. Anyway most people know it's stupid to loan friends money.
Author OatsAndHall Posted January 13, 2020 Author Posted January 13, 2020 It could be stolen but I'll guarantee the gear in that trailer is worth way more than what she loaned him and not just in terms of straight monetary value. And, honestly, he's under no legal obligation to repay that loan; it's a "gift" in the eyes of the law. She knows what she did was really stupid and I truly don't judge her for it. I will be paying attention to anything else that would make me question her judgement but I do that anyway. I appreciate that she told me about the situation; it's incredibly embarrassing and she really didn't know how I'd react. She knows I have a hard "no contact with exes" rule and, in her mind, she was rolling the dice. She thought I might consider him an "ex", throw a fit and call it off. And, again, these things have a way of coming out, one way or another. And, when they do come up, they tend to be convoluted by time.
LivingWaterPlease Posted January 13, 2020 Posted January 13, 2020 23 minutes ago, OatsAndHall said: Like I said, the entire situation just seems shady and weird. I agree that she showed poor judgment all the way around with this guy but it seems she's probably learned from her mistakes and sometimes some of us have to attend the School of Hard Knocks to learn lessons. In her place I would hold my head up high, be as businesslike as possible with him,and try to talk him into finishing his work. Since he's left his tools there, though, it seems he's probably at least planning to come back and finish the job. And since he knows her family there may be a chance he'll feel more obligated to make good on the deal than he would if he didn't know them. Speaking of family, Is there anyone of them who could contact him to try to get him to do the work he was paid for?
Author OatsAndHall Posted January 13, 2020 Author Posted January 13, 2020 @LivingWaterPlease She has been calling and texting him for months, trying to get him to finish the job. She had done so the night I calmed her down; she'd texted and asked when he was going to finish and he responded with "I'll get to it." She was absolutely livid and I have a much better idea of why she was so angry now. Her daughter is a bit of a pistol, she knows him and I imagine she has contacted him to see when he's going to finish. The entire topic is pretty taboo around her family right now. They've all kind of given up a bit; her brother in law is coming over to her place tomorrow to get some of the work done. I may end up helping her with some of it too; I'm not terribly handy but there are some things I can do.
LivingWaterPlease Posted January 13, 2020 Posted January 13, 2020 Hmmm, well, thanks for that bit of information! In that case I guess there's nothing else she can do except to wait for him to finish. At least he said he was going to. He's probably working on other projects. Many contractors seem to take on everything they can get their hands on which means putting some of their projects on the back burner for awhile. I have a guy I scheduled to paint the outside of my house a year ago. Because of weather and other things he still hasn't gotten around to it. I haven't given him any money and don't plan to until some of the work, at least, is finished. What a pain to go through this for her and for you (by association!).
Author OatsAndHall Posted January 13, 2020 Author Posted January 13, 2020 (edited) He hasn't responded to any of her other texts since then. From the sounds of it, he was working at it consistently until they slept together and he got the loan from her; he's been back for three hours since then. I'm keeping my nose out of it but I am more comfortable with the situation since she agreed not to be alone with him. Her family lives within a four block radius so she has no problem going over to her folks' house if he pops over and her son isn't home. Edited January 13, 2020 by OatsAndHall
Noproblem Posted January 13, 2020 Posted January 13, 2020 (edited) I would not like the idea of him coming to her house at all. He is not trustworthy and unreliable! Edited January 13, 2020 by Noproblem 3
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted January 13, 2020 Posted January 13, 2020 Ok, so lemme get this straight... She paid up front, slept with him, then loaned him money? Questionable judgement, to me, would any of the 3, but to be a grown person, an adult and make these types of choices... I am floored that there are apologists in this thread for this type of behavior; if you were a woman, talking about a dude doing this, it would be "Red Flag!" but because were talking about a woman, I guess that makes it ok?.... Yeah, no, not in my books... Dude, you NEED to get the "F" away from this person... This is not the mother of your children, this is not your soulmate, this is, what we normal people, call a "Liability". Dude, she tried to ease you into this; do you know what that means? It means she has thought about this for a long time; it means she has told this story in a way, to victimize herself and manipulate whoever listens, to feel a certain way for her... I guarantee you that there is more to this story. Get away from this person dude, you dont need any of this baggage... Do not get financially involved with her... If she is really in this situation, no bulls***, then the second you take the potential of you offering financial support to her off the table, she will cling to another guy who will and that will be it and if she doesnt do that, then she ranks pretty damn low on the bell curve to begin with. This is all sorts of bad, run away and dont look back. 4 1
Ruby Slippers Posted January 13, 2020 Posted January 13, 2020 How about filing a suit through small claims court? You have to do a lot of paperwork, but the fees are minimal and it can work in a case like this. 1
gaius Posted January 13, 2020 Posted January 13, 2020 If you want to stay with this woman I would have communication between her and this guy cease for good. If you two want to pursue him to either finish the work or get some of her money back you handle it directly. But it doesn't sound like you have much of a case so might just have to chalk it up as a loss. Bottom line, having a guy she slept with and is so weak around continue to be in touch with her is nothing but cancer for your relationship.
Lotsgoingon Posted January 13, 2020 Posted January 13, 2020 (edited) What she did was triply unwise (that's way too generous a word) as Capslock said. I have a hard time believing someone who could do something flamingly stupid and so wildly against her own interests--has suddenly "learned" from the experience. You don't do dumb stuff like this and then become wise in decisions the next day. And let's be precise ... she knew what she was doing was dumb all along ... she just didn't have the strength or focus ... to not do the dumb stuff. And which party of the triple disaster is she learning from: not to sleep with a contractor working your own home? Not to pay a contractor in full ahead of time? Not to loan the contractor you paid in full money? Those aren't understandable missteps ... one of those taken separately is alarming ... maybe loaning the guy money is excusable as a dumb act. But all three--this calls her basic judgment and character into question. This is your business because you just got a boatload of information documenting some really terrible judgment, so terrible that she knew she had to get it out there. I'd feel safer dating someone who had an alcohol problem 15 years earlier ... than dating this woman. Usually when I've done dumb stuff, I have to go through a learning ... and then a learning about implementing smarter behavior. As the saying goes, insight alone is not enough to bring about change. Change requires going in a different direction and carrying out the insight. No way is this a one-time thing. She's done other nutsy stuff, a lot more. I think she's holding back details about what really happened. She was lonely therefore she slept with her contractor? That makes no part of sense. There are a thousand ways of handling loneliness and this is a middle-aged person right? Sleeping with the contractor means she had really bad boundaries ... even when having boundaries would make her safer. I mean sure, interior decorator coming to my house is hot ... all kinds of people I encounter are hot ... and I may or may not feel lonely. But jeez, you want to be with people who have enough control and judgment. Something sounds fishy about the role of her daughter and her daughter's husband in recommending the contractor. Well if that's so, then daughter and daughter's husband are unwise characters ... and have no backbone because they should be in the guy's face screaming for him to finish the work. Something is really sloppy in this situation. And moms know when children are not reliable and not good judges of character. That's the first thing mothers learn, despite wanting to pretend otherwise. She dumped a bunch of manure on your lap ... and is hoping that you say it doesn't stink. Had she done this 20 years ago--that's one thing. Recently? Means she is no way past this behavior. No way. Edited January 13, 2020 by Lotsgoingon 2
Ruby Slippers Posted January 13, 2020 Posted January 13, 2020 ^ I must say I tend to agree. I've encountered a few sexy contractors in my house while single, somewhat lonely, and very horny. Never in a million years would I be so reckless and foolish to have sex with one of them. The internet is riddled with random hot men with no business framework if one wants a casual encounter. Then loaning him money? Paying for work not yet done? Triple whammy of terrible judgment and decision making, recently. 3 2
LivingWaterPlease Posted January 13, 2020 Posted January 13, 2020 If a family member was telling me this story about someone they were dating, I would tell them to run. She may never sleep with another person she employs, pay up front for a job, or loan money to someone she employs, so in that sense have learned lessons, but her poor judgment and obvious lack of boundaries an adult should have still leaves a lot to be desired. Because things are progressing so well with you and her it'd probably be pretty emotionally difficult to break things off with her. But, it seems to me to be the best thing to do from all you've written. However, from her standpoint I would still try to get the guy to finish the job and he may indeed do it. I would also advise her to leave the house when he's there if he should come back to do the job whether or not the two of you are still an item. There are many reasons why she should do that, the simplest being that it will establish a boundary for him to see in her that he hasn't seen yet. Sadly, he has no respect for her and is treating her that way still to the utmost. I also believe there may be more to the story between the two of them than she's told you. I'm sorry, OatsandHall, it seems you've gotten a few, or a couple, can't recall, lately that seem like winners for a relationship that have turned out not to be so. And I'd like to see you find someone really good to be happy with. But, this lady does seems to have some very poor judgment and nonexistent boundaries that will probably cause issues in any relationship she may get in to. 2
chillii Posted January 13, 2020 Posted January 13, 2020 6 hours ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said: I think I'd be a little worried about her overall judgment to be honest. Sorry but yeah , me too. l was a contractor for 5yrs. They often perved a lot but no one slept with me or paid me for the privilege or the work up front ever. And sorry but l don't go for this lonely bs we always hear as an excuse either l mean so what , we all get lonely, and it was her daughters friend no less, bet she hasn't told her, nice. Sorry to be harsh but the whole thing's effd up. 4 1
Ellener Posted January 13, 2020 Posted January 13, 2020 12 hours ago, preraph said: Women are often desperate for men who can do handymen things. I know I am. After Harvey I was very very lucky not to be taken advantage of financially or emotionally, it was all a nightmare. One cutest guy kept me waiting about all day for him to give a quote then was flirting and being inappropriate and clearly didn't want for the work, finally he said $6000 for a ceiling repair this super nice guy came and did it for $85. I ended up in therapy after all that stress, the doctor said it was PTSD/anxiety disorder and frankly whilst your girlfriend made questionable choices, well it can happen to anyone. You can either forgive and forget, or not, it's not like she's cheated on you or even been dishonest. Admitting when we really screw up proves she's relationship deep material to me, because she'll forgive you and love you if you ever do. 2
2BGoodAgain Posted January 13, 2020 Posted January 13, 2020 (edited) Extremely bad judgement aside... the sex with a contractor of a relative/friend... loaning money, etc... sounds like there was more there than just sex... a thought... even though it's in the past, he's currently working on her house, and that they have a past... i think you have a right to ask that she not be alone with him.... kinda.... it's a gray zone... in the end, she's an adult, so i'd suggest you trust her. otherwise, you're basically saying you don't. though... was it a one night fling or something that lasted a bit? Edited January 13, 2020 by 2BGoodAgain 1
introverted1 Posted January 13, 2020 Posted January 13, 2020 (edited) 10 hours ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said: Ok, so lemme get this straight... She paid up front, slept with him, then loaned him money? Questionable judgement, to me, would any of the 3, but to be a grown person, an adult and make these types of choices... <snip> This is all sorts of bad, run away and dont look back. Yep. Couldn't agree more. And that this contractor is a friend of her daughter's to boot? All this was driven by loneliness? Or does that just (ostensibly) explain the sex? This is way beyond momentary poor judgment. Edited January 13, 2020 by introverted1 1 1
mark clemson Posted January 13, 2020 Posted January 13, 2020 FWIW my thought would be - if you can't trust her alone with Mr. flaky contractor, can you trust her at all? 1
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