SparklingandBroken Posted January 12, 2020 Posted January 12, 2020 I am currently going through my second divorce. As easy as it is to blame my husbands for their choices, there is very obviously a codependent aspect in myself. Red flags explode in my face and I can't even see them. I have ZERO desire to date. I plan to go to a therapist again soon so help with this. But I am curious to know, what red flags you have discovered. One of mine is someone, who at my age (mid 30s), still parties with his friends every weekend.
rjc149 Posted January 13, 2020 Posted January 13, 2020 I guess that depends on your definition of “partying.” Getting s***faced and doing party drugs each weekend, when he’s got kids etc? Yes, red flag. A 30-something bachelor with an active weekend social life, I dunno, is that a red flag? Not to go on offense here, but a mid-30s woman going through a second divorce is a huge red flag. Everyone has deal breakers but it may be better to dial back judgement of your dating prospects (when you resume dating) a bit.
carhill Posted January 13, 2020 Posted January 13, 2020 I'm older, divorced around a decade and my main red flags are a bottle/drug habit and insanity. Can't abide those. Sounds simple but it's not really. Disordered humans are a real danger if one has a caretaker personality. Once one accepts that one has such propensities as KISA, fixing people, co-dependency, whatever, it's easier to process it out and give whatever love/help/attention one desires freely and without expectation because, well, disordered people disappoint frequently if one expects *anything*. Task your counselor to give you mind tools to process things differently. You'll still feel the same/similar emotions. You'll still want and desire certain types of people. You can process that differently. The process is a choice. 2
Author SparklingandBroken Posted January 13, 2020 Author Posted January 13, 2020 3 hours ago, rjc149 said: I guess that depends on your definition of “partying.” Getting s***faced and doing party drugs each weekend, when he’s got kids etc? Yes, red flag. A 30-something bachelor with an active weekend social life, I dunno, is that a red flag? Not to go on offense here, but a mid-30s woman going through a second divorce is a huge red flag. Everyone has deal breakers but it may be better to dial back judgement of your dating prospects (when you resume dating) a bit. I didn’t mean to trigger you. Yes, I meant partying...getting wasted and doing drugs. Not meeting up with the guys. I know that my own situation is a red flag.
Author SparklingandBroken Posted January 13, 2020 Author Posted January 13, 2020 3 hours ago, carhill said: I'm older, divorced around a decade and my main red flags are a bottle/drug habit and insanity. Can't abide those. Sounds simple but it's not really. Disordered humans are a real danger if one has a caretaker personality. Once one accepts that one has such propensities as KISA, fixing people, co-dependency, whatever, it's easier to process it out and give whatever love/help/attention one desires freely and without expectation because, well, disordered people disappoint frequently if one expects *anything*. Task your counselor to give you mind tools to process things differently. You'll still feel the same/similar emotions. You'll still want and desire certain types of people. You can process that differently. The process is a choice. Thank you for the constructive response. I work in healthcare and naturally have a “caretaking” personality. This has been my issue.
rjc149 Posted January 13, 2020 Posted January 13, 2020 10 hours ago, SparklingandBroken said: I didn’t mean to trigger you. Yes, I meant partying...getting wasted and doing drugs. Not meeting up with the guys. I know that my own situation is a red flag. It’s okay, you didn’t trigger me. I knew my comment was going to come off as accusatory. I just couldn’t help my indignation for that brief moment, I’m sorry if I acted on it. I’m a 35-year old avoidant who has never been in a relationship longer than a year. I’m a red flag too. Did one of your ex husbands go out getting trashed each weekend?
rjc149 Posted January 13, 2020 Posted January 13, 2020 Just wanted to add (I wasn't able to edit my post above): I read into the "still goes out partying with his friends" as you taking issue with his age, ie. that going out with friends on weekends is not age-appropriate activity for a mid-30's man, not you taking issue with routine substance-abuse. Someone going out getting s***faced and doing drugs every weekend is a red flag for any age.
Prudence V Posted January 13, 2020 Posted January 13, 2020 Red flags for me include: Serious mental health problems, and the unwillingness to address those; Unwillingness to accept responsibility for any children they spawn; Belittling their partner in public, demeaning them, undermining them, etc to try to make themselves look better; Treating people who report to them, or are employed by them, or who serve them in shops, etc poorly; Bitching about friends behind their backs; Treating animals badly; Reading the Daily Mail, or The S*n, or other right wing tabloids; Voting Tory. Or UKIP; Being racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, Islamophobic, ableist, Or bigoted in some other way; Subscribing to conspiracy theories, being an anti-vaxxer, a flat-earthier, a climate change denialism, or any other foil-helmet kind of behaviour; Living in a house that stinks of cat piss; Being financially irresponsible; Having no sense of humour, or regarding everything as a joke; Needing to eat meat at every meal; Holding right wing views politically or socially; Following Katie Hopkins, Piers Morgan, Tommy Robinson or Stephen Fry on Twitter; supporting Israel’s human rights abuses in Palestine; Supporting Brexit. There’s a whole bunch more, but that’s a start.
Recommended Posts