Boyfriend doesn't find me attractive

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

3 minutes ago, thefooloftheyear said:

.It doesn't mean she has to be a dumbbell with a genetically blessed great ass and tits, but rather an accomplished woman that knows how to present herself and take care of herself..

 

And maybe the financial means to not have to work, spend all day at the gym and the salon working on her body, and going home to a personal chef making healthy meals.

[SummerDreams]

Thankfully there is someone out there for every one of us. The haters will hate.

[Ruby Slippers]

I read your latest update.

Your boyfriend never should have started dating you if he knew he couldn't love you the way you are. I hope the men reading this learn something from it - don't ever start dating a woman waiting on her to change. What you see is what you get. She MIGHT change for the better, but she might not, and you need to be OK with that either way. If you can't, don't even get involved. This is true for women about men as well.

You have a lot going on and need to focus on taking care of yourself. Like I said before, I don't think this environment is going to support your weight loss goal. And by the time you lose the weight, you'll probably have decided he's not the right guy for you, anyway, given all the criticizing and nitpicking he's doing.

[elaine567]

Not sure what all these "on point" women, married to "leaders" have to do with the OP and her bf.
Yes there are some people who spend their entire life preening in front of mirrors, but does that make them any "better" than those who feel they have more productive things to do with their time?

Did I miss the part about the nit picking bf being some "extra special" guy?

[thefooloftheyear]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

Not sure what all these "on point" women, married to "leaders" have to do with the OP and her bf.
Yes there are some people who spend their entire life preening in front of mirrors, but does that make them any "better" than those who feel they have more productive things to do with their time?

Did I miss the part about the nit picking bf being some "extra special" guy?

If the guy is looking to open a restaurant or bar, then he's probably more than the typical punch a clock Joe 6 pack kinda  guy...but of course we don't know that nor do we know if he's "special" or not...

No one is saying anyone is any better, just that what the typical woman wants a man to accept or love in appearance, in many cases, isn't what he's looking for....Some say nothing about and live in resentment, others are more bold and upfront about it....

TFY

 

Edited January 18, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Ruby Slippers]

This guy obviously isn't all that special, or he wouldn't have picked a woman he needs to harass to become what he wants.

[SummerDreams]

35 minutes ago, thefooloftheyear said:

what the typical woman wants a man to accept or love in appearance, in many cases, isn't what he's looking for....Some say nothing about and live in resentment, others are more bold and upfront about it....
 

Not only don't men say anything, but they date, marry and have kids with these women so I'm wondering whether what you are trying here to make a general rule is only something that bothers you. Or do you have the power and knowledge to talk about ALL men in the world?

[nospam99]

1) Not all day at the gym - half an hour yoga on your own mat at home every day is sufficient. More than an hour exercise per day, the marginal benefits are not worth it unless you are in some field where your body needs to be 'super' ... pro athlete, actor, model or you're training for a marathon, triathlon, or Tour de France.

2) Personal chef is overkill. But shopping for and preparing the most healthy diet is going to take more time than the exercise - there's a LOT of veggies to wash, chop, and cook.

4-7 hours/week exercise, 5-7 food prep. YMMV

[HappySenior]

On 1/13/2020 at 12:35 AM, healing light said:

 

I can't believe that this response is real. So the OP should put up with demeaning comments about her body weight? That's "love?" And men who would accept her for how she is and be attracted to her right now are just kidding themselves? Sounds like you've been conditioned by the media.

There are lots of reasons that people can be overweight: endocrine imbalances, slowed metabolism from different diets, gut dysbiosis, food allergies, etc. And then there are people who are perfectly healthy yet overweight, healthier than their slim counterparts. Her 40 extra pounds does not automatically mean she is unhealthy, and even if she isn't at her ideal weight, should she continue to put up with men who belittle her or shame her or hold the carrot up of their love and attraction only if she meets certain criteria under the hope of her potential rather than who she is in this moment? What if it's not her constitution to be as slim as this guy prefers without starving herself? What then?

OP, men will love you for how you are right now. But you have to decide if you want to continue with a man who is critical of you knowing exactly what he got himself into--it's not like you're pulling the wool over his eyes. 

 

Yes and furthermore, studies are showing it is not how much you eat, it is what you eat. 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBnniua6-oM

 

I am on the Noom diet and have lost 30 lbs so far and should reach my (first) goal any day now. I eat actually more than I did before but what I eat is different and it is not salads only. I am also able to have bread on occasion, which I could not do on Atkins. I feel better too.  Stop drinking soda or fructose drinks, unless you're an athlete of some kind for one thing. That will make losing weight easier, I can tell you for sure!

Beyond that, yes, I had a boyfriend like that previous to last marriage. He said some hurtful things but I think he was also using it as an excuse to cozy up to other women when we were out. He was a douchebag, and eventually I left him even though I had a lot invested in that relationship.  The recent ex, I was actually trying hard to lose weight, but he'd sit there every night with his cookies and beer and keep offering me stuff until I gave in. (Then would accuse ME of being self-destructive if I ate ice cream once too often!)

Between Noom and not having him around, it's fairly easy to lose weight now. I don't keep that stuff in my fridge and freezer at all. I will occasionally allow myself something sweet if they make it down at my hang-out place, but I don't keep it at home where it will tempt me during low moods.

Seriously, dump the guy. Even if you do manage to lose the weight, it will be something else later on.

Best wishes.

[HappySenior]

On 1/17/2020 at 2:56 PM, 2BGoodAgain said:

run, don't walk to the nearest exit.

not so much as to whether or not he's attracted to you when you're heavy vs not... i am biased in how i'm attracted to a woman, as well... but at the same time, even a superficial idiot like me recognizes that inner beauty really does last longer than outer beauty, no amount of beauty on the outside can hide the ugliness inside.

also... someone telling you how to eat, what to eat, etc.. bad news.. they're not liking you, they're like what they want you to be... 

that's not the type of person you want in your life, b/c he isn't loving you... he's loving someone in his head... 

Particularly when he's making things more difficult by choosing to have her eat processed and fast food when she's with him!  If he's not actively helping her choose healthy food when they are together, then he is just using the "you're not my desired type or weight" as a control issue.  If he was really serious about it, he'd order salads, veggies and fish and eat them with her when they are together.  If a man persuades or insists you do something the opposite of what he says he wants, it's usually a control issue.

[HappySenior]

10 hours ago, thefooloftheyear said:

And according to other posters here,  men are horrible human beings for even having a choice or preference...Average woman now over 170, so just accept it and be happy...That's the mantra now..."more cushion for the pushin, yay,!"  They(all these desirable men) should just gleefully accept all the heavy and sloppy women because for some(many?) women they cant be bothered taking care of themselves...It's just soooo hard....(we wont mention that for many of these women, their own mothers had no problem maintaining a healthy and appropriate weight)

Ironically many of these same women would laugh her self to tears if approached by a "good" guy that's 5'3" tall or has a micro dick...

TFY

 

 

Oh stop the infighting, for pete's sake.  I don't think most women have a problem with men who prefer smaller women per se. Only like in this case, where they make a girlfriend out of someone larger (or smaller) than they prefer and THEN start to try to change her or complain because she doesn't (making it harder to change in the process because of stress and insecurity). 

Just plain don't go with what you don't prefer - that's a good rule for any man or woman. It's called "settling" for a reason.

As for me, I actually prefer a heavier guy; the teddy bear type...  
I also had a boyfriend with a smaller penis. We worked around it. Outside of my previous ex-husband, he was the best boyfriend I ever had. But he chose to move away and I didn't want to after all. 
 

[preraph]

The average size for American women falls between 16 and 18, which means plus size -- and yet on a 1 to 10 scale, these average women are generally ranked far below average.  There is something wrong with that.  But we all know the reasons why (media of all types), plus a healthy dash of entitlement.  As a result, they're youth-obsessed, and we can also blame that on media.  

[thefooloftheyear]

2 hours ago, HappySenior said:

Oh stop the infighting, for pete's sake.  I don't think most women have a problem with men who prefer smaller women per se. Only like in this case, where they make a girlfriend out of someone larger (or smaller) than they prefer and THEN start to try to change her or complain because she doesn't (making it harder to change in the process because of stress and insecurity). 

Just plain don't go with what you don't prefer - that's a good rule for any man or woman. It's called "settling" for a reason.

As for me, I actually prefer a heavier guy; the teddy bear type...  
I also had a boyfriend with a smaller penis. We worked around it. Outside of my previous ex-husband, he was the best boyfriend I ever had. But he chose to move away and I didn't want to after all. 
 

Stop nothing....

Here's the reality....And if you don't believe me, then just read (and try to comprehend) practically every post on this topic from every woman who posted...

Translation....Its heartless and cruel for a man to  say anything about a woman's weight or appearance...He has to accept it. because he picked her...Bear in mind, I doubt very much that he would have said a word if she was more like 15# overweight....40# is another ballgame....>And he admitted to liking every thing else about her...So does this not count for anything??

And if you bother to go back and read the original post. she "sold herself" to him as getting into shape....Should he have expected her to lie??  Not to mention that many women often "whip themselves into shape" only when single...Then it becomes a series of excuses why they cant keep it up moving forward....

Its great that you like dough boys, but this isn't about you...And I have known guys that have been told by their wives that they should lose weight(one in particular did it to her husband right in front of me) or get into shape and most guys don't get emotionally crushed over it...IN most cases they accept it and give up the pizza and beer...

The minute a woman sees another that is in shape and looks great, the bottles start to get thrown by other women..."they don't work...they have all the time in the world for trainers and personal chefs.. its plastic surgery"...etc....Guys just give props to other guys that are in shape....They aren't out there trying to shyt on it...

Understand I don't give a crap what anyone does or what dress size they wear...I am good over here...But when certain parts of society are trying to shove an image of women that guys are being basically shamed or guilted into accepting, then whine constantly when they don't....well..what can you do??....

Its as simple as that, really...

TFY

[elaine567]

2 minutes ago, thefooloftheyear said:

.He has to accept it. because he picked her...

Is that not the bottom line though?
No-one forced him to date an overweight/obese woman.
Why does he then get to make her life a misery over her weight?
Truth is he probably couldn't attract the hottie he really wanted so he chooses someone he thinks he can turn into what he really wants, by nit picking, coercion and bullying...

Some women do the same, they choose a lesser man (ie the man they can attract) in the hope they can turn him into a stud and a go getter, by nit picking, coercion and bullying...

Neither strategy works; disappointment and misery all around.

[Miss Spider]

If it were 2 years and she gained weight, I can see where he might have an argument. More to consider. But really, this guy pulls a bigger lady online and then proceeds to try bully her into losing weight for him? Who the hell does he think he is. Not worth it 2 months in, I say. Lose the chump. Plenty of guys who are attracted to bigger women. 

Edited January 19, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[thefooloftheyear]

58 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Is that not the bottom line though?
No-one forced him to date an overweight/obese woman.
Why does he then get to make her life a misery over her weight?
Truth is he probably couldn't attract the hottie he really wanted so he chooses someone he thinks he can turn into what he really wants, by nit picking, coercion and bullying...

Some women do the same, they choose a lesser man (ie the man they can attract) in the hope they can turn him into a stud and a go getter, by nit picking, coercion and bullying...

Neither strategy works; disappointment and misery all around.

Fair enough.....

I guess the main problem for me is this kind of thinking that someone cant comment on a physical aspect about a woman....Its too touchy of a subject(weight esp)...Id clearly expect that if I was 75 lbs overweight(which would likely be the equivalent of her 40) and a woman liked all the other aspects of me, that I wouldn't get bent out of shape if she said something about it....Id realize that she was right and that I should do something about it if I valued her opinion and company enough...

I've said it previously....The number one complaint I get from guys I know about their wives is that they are too heavy....Nothing else is even a close second...Is it better to be with a guy that says nothing but secretly cant stand it??

I dunno..

TFY

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

2 minutes ago, thefooloftheyear said:

I was 75 lbs overweight(which would likely be the equivalent of her 40) and a woman liked all the other aspects of me, that I wouldn't get bent out of shape if she said something about it....Id realize that she was right and that I should do something about it if I valued her opinion and company enough...

 

i'm pretty sure nothing remotely close to this has ever happened to you, so how could you even say what you would do?  Also, you've never been an aging woman with a stubborn metabolism and menopause so to have such black and white rules comes off as insensitive at best.  Back in the day my dad lost 30 pounds in a month when he stopped eating peanuts and ice cream every day.  That would NEVER happen with a woman of the same age.   It just wouldn't.  

[thefooloftheyear]

Just now, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

i'm pretty sure nothing remotely close to this has ever happened to you, so how could you even say what you would do?  Also, you've never been an aging woman with a stubborn metabolism and menopause so to have such black and white rules comes off as insensitive at best.  Back in the day my dad lost 30 pounds in a month when he stopped eating peanuts and ice cream every day.  That would NEVER happen with a woman of the same age.   It just wouldn't.  

Fair point...

I give up...You guys win...

TFY

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

9 minutes ago, thefooloftheyear said:

Fair point...

I give up...You guys win...

TFY

I'm sorry, I don't mean to offend you, TFY.  You know I love you!   I just can't stand the black and white approach to this issue, and I don't even really include myself even though it's a sensitive topic since I'm peri-menopausal and my metabolism sucks.  I know you're right and if I only ate veggies and lean poultry for 3 months I'd be where I want to be weight-wise. It would SUCK and be really hard, but it would probably happen or come close to it.  But not everyone would.  Look at someone like actress Chrissy Metz.  She clearly has something wrong with her. Shaming someone like that for NEVER being able to get down to a size 14, yet alone a 4, is just not cool.....she is still worthy of love and not less of a person because she can't be skinny like you and most other men use as a marker of a worthy woman.

It's very clear from your posts that you think all women should be able to attain the level of fitness that you have achieved, or that you have observed the women in your city/wives of your friends have achieved.  But it just is NOT possible for ALL women.  And it is harder for many women than it is for men.  It can be very discouraging to see a man lose in in one week what it takes a woman two months to lose.  I'd even say it's easier for a man to stick to a diet because they see results more rapidly than a woman does....hence, less discouragement.  Now I'm babbling, but my point is, it is not black and white and you seem to think it is. But I still love you.

[preraph]

If I ate poultry and lean veggies for 3 months, I would lose weight the first three weeks and then my body would adapt to the food deficit and try to preserve my body fat and I wouldn't lose much if any after that without strenuous exercise ever-increasing, which is been impossible for me to do for years. 

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

See? Black and white.  Now I give up.

[Ruby Slippers]

1 hour ago, enigma32 said:

The problem I have encountered, and maybe the OP's BF has run into is that I can generally get a hottie girl here, but she will be all effed up. Or I could get a nice girl that acts right but maybe she is not very attractive. Maybe OP's BF thought he hit the jackpot with the OP. A nice girl that he really likes, and even if she is overweight for him, she is working towards losing it...but that never seems to happen. I agree that he shouldn't do that sort of thing but I can understand it.

That's fair. I concede it's not always clear cut to determine exactly what your standards are. 

My recent ex-bf (who just asked for a 2nd chance) tried dating overweight women and I tried dating underachievers, so as not to be so "picky". We both agreed that these groups of people are very NICE people. But he's never gonna get too excited about a woman he's not physically attracted to, and I'm never gonna get excited about a man I don't really respect. So now we know.

[basil67]

7 hours ago, HappySenior said:

Oh stop the infighting, for pete's sake.  I don't think most women have a problem with men who prefer smaller women per se. Only like in this case, where they make a girlfriend out of someone larger (or smaller) than they prefer and THEN start to try to change her or complain because she doesn't (making it harder to change in the process because of stress and insecurity). 

Thank you HappySenior.

We're not telling guys that they need to accept overweight women.  What we are saying is that it's unfair to start dating a woman and then dump her because she's not getting thin as fast as she hoped she would.   All of us, men and women, should look at a person and decide if we like them for who they are right now.   Dating someone but hoping they will change is not cool.  

Yes, a person may write on their profile that they are going to the gym and hoping to lose weight.   Guys who have broken up frequently talk about getting in shape after a breakup too.  It's OK to write this because it's true at the time of writing.  It doesn't mean this will be what they want to do forever.

[SummerDreams]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

We're not telling guys that they need to accept overweight women. 

You are saying it like the overweight women have some kind of contagious disease.

There are many many men in the world who not only accept overweight women but they CHOOSE them instead of skinny ones. You are making it sound like the overweight women are some kind of plague that is the last choice for men. Please.

[elaine567]

7 hours ago, enigma32 said:

Maybe OP's BF thought he hit the jackpot with the OP. A nice girl that he really likes, and even if she is overweight for him, she is working towards losing it...but that never seems to happen.

"Working towards losing weight" or being on one weight loss program after another to little or no avail long term is a sure sign of someone who is not ever going to be slim for life.
The best anyone can hope for is small slim phases before he/she piles it all on again.
If a person is disgusted by anyone who is over weight or  they feel very strongly about health and fitness then they need to stay away from those who will no doubt always struggle with their weight.
Also many people as they age put on loads of weight, and it becomes increasingly difficult to remove without starvation diets and strenuous exercise regimes, something many are just not willing to put themselves through. Especially those who were naturally slim as younger people and who never needed to diet or spend hours in the gym.
Weight loss is not easy, optimum weights are hard to maintain, hence why we, as a society, tend to on one hand fat shame, but on the other hand, we accept people for who they are...
We urge healthy eating but we have lots of very popular TV programmes urging the consumption of sweet treats and snacks...
The food industry would collapse tomorrow if everyone changed to only eating steamed chicken and green veg...