Boyfriend doesn't find me attractive

[SummerDreams]

8 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I must say I agree with this. It took me a while, but I've finally accepted that it's simple biology that men care a whole lot about looks. Looks are probably 90% of it for most men, with inner qualities making up the other 10%. I've always been in decent to good shape, but beyond that have made the effort to refine my physical qualities to increase my appeal. I keep my hair long, take good care of it so it's shiny and nice, maintain a clean diet for good health and skin, wear dresses and feminine clothes, and so on. It seems utterly futile to instead argue that all men should accept me for being what most of them consider unattractive 

So if suddenly men decide that what they like is REALLY big girls with huge boobs, no hair and clown make up, you will agree to it, you will start eating until you become obese, you'll shave your hair and be in clown make up every day right?

[thefooloftheyear]

5 hours ago, SummerDreams said:

So if suddenly men decide that what they like is REALLY big girls with huge boobs, no hair and clown make up, you will agree to it, you will start eating until you become obese, you'll shave your hair and be in clown make up every day right?

I think its safe to not take this advice....at least for a few years....

But really..

I've been around a while now....Nothing's changed....I'm sure my great great grandfather would find the same woman attractive that I do, if I could ask him now..Men generally like pretty/feminine looking women on the small side,  who aren't big and sloppy...Favorable hip/waist ratio and decent sized breasts and that's about it...The better looking/most successful, the more it matters...Usually that means there is someone out there for everyone...

BTW, its not as if what women want has changed either...They generally like guys who are bigger/taller than they are ...nice face with defined facial features...Fit/muscular body blah...blah.

I think the only thing that has thrown a wrench into this is that it seems as though women have gotten bigger/heavier and in some cases. less feminine looking, and now are pissed off that guys aren't warming up to it....At least not the type of guys that those women want...

Its as simple as that, really...

TFY

[Ruby Slippers]

6 hours ago, SummerDreams said:

So if suddenly men decide that what they like is REALLY big girls with huge boobs, no hair and clown make up, you will agree to it, you will start eating until you become obese, you'll shave your hair and be in clown make up every day right?

This is akin to suggesting that people might suddenly prefer tiny houses with no trees or nice fixtures. Ain't gonna happen. 

For the record, studies show that women make more female friendships when their appearance improves as well. I've certainly gotten a lot more admiration and interest from other women the more stylish and cute I've become. 

[stillafool]

12 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

This is akin to suggesting that people might suddenly prefer tiny houses with no trees or nice fixtures. Ain't gonna happen. 

Actually this is happening.  People are buying tiny houses.  It's in.

[SummerDreams]

If looks were so essential, we would live in a world with perfect looking people. We aren't. Enough said.

[Ruby Slippers]

26 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Actually this is happening.  People are buying tiny houses.  It's in.

A tiny fraction of people, just like a small minority of people like dating people who deviate from the norm. Unlike traditional homes, tiny homes generally offer no profit upon resale. The land, if owned, might. It's a very small niche market, just like unconventional people in the dating market.

[Ruby Slippers]

Everyone is worthy of love. I have a friend who's overweight, and though that isn't my preference, I think she's gorgeous and amazing and if I were a dude I'd probably date her. 

But that's not the point we're discussing. I was simply agreeing with TFY's point that it's silly to argue that market demand bend to conform to you. I'd love it if the job market rewarded me for dreaming, doing yoga, and writing songs all day. Unless I invest the effort to win over the market with my skills, ain't gonna happen.

[SSE]

Let me tell you something about my weight history. I had a normal weight during high school, however when I went to the university, I began to gain weight. At my heaviest, I weighed about 200 pounds… I’m not proud of that. I was not feeling well at college (emotional eating). When I got my first job, I made the decision of going to the gym and eating healthy. I was done. That fat girl in the mirror wasn’t me. I lost about 60 pounds that way and reached my goal weight. I felt good. I felt pretty. I met someone at work and began a relationship with him. The biggest mistake of my life so far. I hurt a lot during that relationship causing me to take anti-depressants. I neglected going to the gym and eating healthy. I gained back 40 pounds of the 60 I had lost. That toxic relationship is over now, but I still need those anti-depressants. I know they can cause weight gain, but I also know I wasn’t cautious anymore about my weight. I felt bad emotionally and ate. I’m not a binge eater, but when I don’t feel well, I don’t take a healthy snack. Combined with less exercise and see, the extra 40 pounds. I feel very ugly and want to lose the weight in first instance for myself, my health and, I’m not going to lie, also for esthetical reasons. I felt prettier when I was more slim.

I went back to the gym, months before I met my current boyfriend, so I wasn’t lying to him about that. I exercised again with the goal of getting more fit and slim. Over a period of 3 months, I lost about 6 pounds which I know is nothing if you want to lose 40. It was very frustrating because even though I was exercising regularly and eating healthy I didn’t lose more weight. Maybe it has something to do with those anti-depressants or the fact I began taking birth control pills again? I don’t know, but it’s very frustrating if you do everything right and still no more results. Anyone maybe got any tips on how to lose weight when you’re on AD and birth control?

During the time I met my boyfriend, my mom got diagnosed with cancer. It was a heavy time for our family which caused me to spend less time in the gym and helping more at home. I told my boyfriend that when I met him. He also knows about the anti-depressants. So I was very upset when he kept asking how many times I went to the gym that week. I used to go 3 times a week, but with my mom being sick, it wasn’t my priority anymore. My mom is doing better now, which is such a relief!

My boyfriend asked to kiss me after our first date. He said he liked me a lot and found me very attractive. But now he admits he has problems with my weight. I get that. I for example don’t fancy men that are too slim. I like my men at a normal weight or slightly overweight. My boyfriend has a normal weight. But why going further with me if you have such problems with my weight? It’s not fair to both of us. And something I also don’t get: if you don’t find me attractive, why do you get a boner from me?

When he was making the comment “are you going to eat that” he was referring to a yoghurt I was going to eat after I ate two slices of bread with cheese, like I always eat when I’m eating breakfast at his place. I’m not stuffing myself with unhealthy foods when I’m with him. It’s rather the opposite. He often wants to deliver take away instead of going to the store and make a self-cooked meal. When we’re out, he always wants to go to McDonalds, not me. Off course, he may eat those meals, he has a normal weight, but if you have such a problem with my weight, why then dragging me along with you to McDonalds? He even said he’s going to get fat again if he stays with me… As a joke… But I don’t make him going to McDonalds and ordering take away!

I don’t know what to do with him. I don’t like the way I look and I know I must lose weight. He gives me a bad feeling sometimes but I’m scared of dumping him. The guys that liked me the way I am right now were not my thing (they weren’t fat btw). The thing I like the most in a man is his sense of humor. My boyfriend was hilarious on our first dates. That made me fall for him. But now, after those comments… What if he cheats on me with a hot waitress? What if I dump him and nobody else comes along? I had such a bad relationship before this one and I just don’t want to be alone anymore. I want to be loved…

Edited January 17, 2020 by SSE

[elaine567]

10 minutes ago, SSE said:

My boyfriend was hilarious on our first dates. That made me fall for him.

Do you still find him hilarious?

[Timshel]

This guy has picked you SSE because he needs someone to control, shame and abuse.  He is abusive.  This is your decision to make lady but I will tell you this, any choice made out of fear will lead you down the wrong road.  This is not love and you won't have it until you love yourself.

 

[Cersei]

My one question reading your post is were you misrepresenting yourself online in your profile? Were your online pics not full body and he was disappointed perhaps?

Too many times in online dating people see the true person differs greatly from who they thought they were talking with.

[thefooloftheyear]

1 hour ago, SSE said:

 

I went back to the gym, months before I met my current boyfriend, so I wasn’t lying to him about that. I exercised again with the goal of getting more fit and slim. Over a period of 3 months, I lost about 6 pounds which I know is nothing if you want to lose 40. It was very frustrating because even though I was exercising regularly and eating healthy I didn’t lose more weight. Maybe it has something to do with those anti-depressants or the fact I began taking birth control pills again? I don’t know, but it’s very frustrating if you do everything right and still no more results. Anyone maybe got any tips on how to lose weight when you’re on AD and birth control?

During the time I met my boyfriend, my mom got diagnosed with cancer. It was a heavy time for our family which caused me to spend less time in the gym and helping more at home. I told my boyfriend that when I met him. He also knows about the anti-depressants. So I was very upset when he kept asking how many times I went to the gym that week. I used to go 3 times a week, but with my mom being sick, it wasn’t my priority anymore. My mom is doing better now, which is such a relief!

 

To be fair though, it seems like when you met him you were either thinner or making effort to lose the weight...My mom also battling cancer for the last few years...Sure I am concerned, and do whatever I need to do for her, but at the end of the day I don't let it dictate why I cant exercise or that now I am going to eat like crap....It shouldn't have any bearing on it, if its really important....Lets be honest....its not that important to you....And I am not judging, lets be clear...Also happy your mom is better...

He got a picture in his head, I am sure of the type of woman you are or were trying to be, and now that seemingly isn't the case.. You can call him insensitive, and shallow, but its a bit of bait and switch on your part...  How would you feel if you met him and were so impressed that he had some great important career and made great money, then decided to quit, stay home and play video games all day once he got comfortable.?  I know, maybe an extreme example,. but that is all I could think of right now...and isn't that far off if you reverse the roles..

The only criticism I can levy against the guy is that if you are a guy that likes a fit/slim and athletic woman that really cares about her appearance, do a little background on who you are dating early on...If its a woman that has been heavy once and lost the weight, there is a good chance she'll fall off the wagon once she gets comfortable...If you don't care and it doesn't matter, then don't worry about it...The odds of "influencing" someone to do this because you urge, pester, whatever rarely works and is unfair to the woman and builds resentment and angst...As its doing now..

TFY

[Ellener]

On 1/12/2020 at 10:53 AM, SSE said:

I admit I don’t like the way I look and I want to be healthier hence the gym.

Determine whether the issue is you feel attractive or not.

I have friends who go on about their excess weight putting a downer on our time together, especially now I dropped all mine and there's a bit of a resentment vibe. One friend we used to meet for a meal once a month, as I got healthier I couldn't eat the same food and she wasn't comfortable with me having a plain potato and glass of water whilst she overate. 

Be happy with who you are or change yourself up is my advice! And if it's the former then yes, relationship isn't going to work.

As for his bar plans, well you could get involved in some of that or carve time out somehow if determined, but if you want him free every evening when you get home...you're not on the same page?

[Fensun90]

Stupid guy. If he desires a skinny person, he should not date someone who is overweight (no offence to you) to begin with.

He should never say things like that to you.

Ive been working out for 1.5 year myself. 5 days a week I get up 5:00am to train.

I wouldnt date someone who is obese or overweight. You might say thats bad of me to say. But I have lots of active hobbies like training, jogging, tenting high up in mountains and I would not let someone try stop me from doing that. I would rather find a active girl to date instead of trying to change someone

Whats my point? He should find someone who matches his standards. You dont deserve to be treated like this. This is his problem not yours.

 

IF you want to start losing weight and training. Longevity and health is the priority. You should not get healthier to meet his standards. I strongly encourage you to start, but to it for your self. Training is much more than looks.

 

Find a better guy is what I am trying to say. Ditch him.

 

[Miss Spider]

Find one that does 

[2BGoodAgain]

run, don't walk to the nearest exit.

not so much as to whether or not he's attracted to you when you're heavy vs not... i am biased in how i'm attracted to a woman, as well... but at the same time, even a superficial idiot like me recognizes that inner beauty really does last longer than outer beauty, no amount of beauty on the outside can hide the ugliness inside.

also... someone telling you how to eat, what to eat, etc.. bad news.. they're not liking you, they're like what they want you to be... 

that's not the type of person you want in your life, b/c he isn't loving you... he's loving someone in his head... 

[MeadowFlower]

On 1/13/2020 at 5:53 AM, SSE said:

 

But the thing that concerns me the most, are the comments he made about my weight. He often tells me he loves my character and that I have a pretty face, but he has difficulties with my weight. The reason he went on more dates with me is because he I told him I go to the gym to work on my physique. I’m overweight, about 40 pounds, I’m not the prettiest one but it’s not that I look like a monster. I have guys telling me they find me attractive the way I am right now. I admit I don’t like the way I look and I want to be healthier hence the gym.

But apparently I don’t lose weight fast enough because recently my boyfriend made some comments. ‘Are you going to eat that’, ‘You have eaten less than normal’ (when he made protein pancakes instead of regular), ‘How many times did you went to the gym this week’ and recently he gave me the number of a dietitian he once consulted… Telling he will even pay for my consult if I don’t want to. I was offended and told him so.  My previous relationship also made comments about my weight, and I just ignored them even though they hurt me, but I don’t do that anymore. My boyfriend apologized, telling he was saying these things to help me, but it was really hurtful. I am losing weight at my pace. It wasn’t easy for me fully focusing on losing weight with my mom being sick and dealing with the problems at work and the hurt from my previous break up. He said he understood and hasn’t mentioned it since. Besides, I will always look curvy even when I’m not overweight, it’s just the way I’m built. If he wants a slim girl, cool, just tell me and I’m gone. He told me he doesn’t want me to be gone. 

But it stays in the back of my mind. I mean, my own boyfriend doesn’t find me attractive. I have a nice character and a beautiful face apparently. But we’re only 2 months together. Shouldn’t this have to be the honeymoon phase where everything is perfect? Where you like every inch of the other person? What if he meets a beautiful, slim girl at his bar who wants him? Will he still think about my lovely character then?

Anyone got a piece of advice? Or went through something similar? I don’t know what to do… When I’m with him, I notice I am careful of what I’m eating and I don’t feel that comfortable anymore during sex…

Give the dam male the flick. 

Sorry but not sorry, I don't do the majority of males. If he judges you based on your looks he can go fly a kite. Also, your body is for you to use, not for him or anyone else to look at. You shouldn't be loosing weight to please the s**thead, you should be exercising for the health of your body, for you. 

Edited January 17, 2020 by MeadowFlower

[Saracena]

On 1/15/2020 at 12:14 PM, thefooloftheyear said:

I've been around a while now....Nothing's changed....I'm sure my great great grandfather would find the same woman attractive that I do, if I could ask him now..Men generally like pretty/feminine looking women on the small side, 

I know you meant this in the general sense but in a more literal one, my Mum's longterm ex's son is married to a girl , who looks just like she (mother) did at the same age, when she dated his father in her twenties. I've seen photographs of her at this age and the very strong resemblance between them is quite uncanny. So alike it looks like they are the same person!

[Gr8fuln2020]

On 1/15/2020 at 6:27 AM, SummerDreams said:

If looks were so essential, we would live in a world with perfect looking people. We aren't. Enough said.

Appearance and our attraction is very much biological and subjective. What is considered as so-called 'perfect' or 'ideal', etc. is mostly socially contrived and reinforced. I find women attractive through a wide range of characteristics and many do not fit in with the glamour magazines and movie stars. Subjective. 

[basil67]

On 1/15/2020 at 9:54 AM, stillafool said:

That's just it.  Not all thin people are unhealthy but naturally thin no matter what they eat.  I also noticed a girl at the gym who most would consider severely overweight but her stamina far outweighed mine and some others.  

One of the female PTs at my gym has the body shape of a brick.  But she's very fit.   However, those who didn't know her would probably judge her negatively.

[some_username1]

26 minutes ago, basil67 said:

One of the female PTs at my gym has the body shape of a brick.  But she's very fit.   However, those who didn't know her would probably judge her negatively.

Christ I wouldn’t. Stick a big pair of boobs on her and that’s my ideal body type on a girl, but ironically it’s rare as rocking horse crap which is why I can’t get my head round all this self-conscious crap women seemingly battle with.

I can hoof through Tinder all day and it’s usually some variation of fat or thin. I’m after the sweet spot, an Amazonian type, tall to offset the body fat, boobs, hips and big boned. Like finding a needle in a haystack though. Really makes me feel bad for women who have that going on and yet they talk like they live in the shadow of thin girls, like thin girls are the only thing that make the world go round. Women are supposed to have body fat, that.’s the point....

[SummerDreams]

5 hours ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

Appearance and our attraction is very much biological and subjective. What is considered as so-called 'perfect' or 'ideal', etc. is mostly socially contrived and reinforced. I find women attractive through a wide range of characteristics and many do not fit in with the glamour magazines and movie stars. Subjective. 

According to some posters in here only the small, fit women are beautiful and the men who choose "the others" do it because they know they can't get the beautiful ones and they compromise. So your subjective opinion really doesn't matter cause the people in here have decided who you should like. (I'm being sarcastic ofc).

[thefooloftheyear]

2 hours ago, SummerDreams said:

According to some posters in here only the small, fit women are beautiful and the men who choose "the others" do it because they know they can't get the beautiful ones and they compromise. So your subjective opinion really doesn't matter cause the people in here have decided who you should like. (I'm being sarcastic ofc).

And according to other posters here,  men are horrible human beings for even having a choice or preference...Average woman now over 170, so just accept it and be happy...That's the mantra now..."more cushion for the pushin, yay,!"  They(all these desirable men) should just gleefully accept all the heavy and sloppy women because for some(many?) women they cant be bothered taking care of themselves...It's just soooo hard....(we wont mention that for many of these women, their own mothers had no problem maintaining a healthy and appropriate weight)

Ironically many of these same women would laugh her self to tears if approached by a "good" guy that's 5'3" tall or has a micro dick...

TFY

 

 

[elaine567]

 

1 hour ago, thefooloftheyear said:

Ironically many of these same women would laugh her self to tears if approached by a "good" guy that's 5'3" tall or has a micro dick.

Difference being that whilst there are indeed many men that find "bigger women" attractive, I have never heard of any women being in the "micro dick" appreciation society.
In some cultures having a big fat wife was seen as desirable, it signified a man of means. A poor guy had a thin wife as she had to work hard and he could not afford to feed her either, hence why she was so thin. 

[thefooloftheyear]

30 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

 

Difference being that whilst there are indeed many men that find "bigger women" attractive, I have never heard of any women being in the "micro dick" appreciation society.
In some cultures having a big fat wife was seen as desirable, it signified a man of means. A poor guy had a thin wife as she had to work hard and he could not afford to feed her either, hence why she was so thin. 

Perhaps that was true in some ancient times, when you traded your cow for some other provisions and used candles for light, but not now and not here...

I have attended a few dinners/benefit events that featured almost exclusively wealthy and accomplished men/couples....The common thread was that the women with these men were very much "on point" physically....No matter what the age...

And I think this is the part of the equation some women refuse to accept...

That guy that is the leader, the accomplished one.. the good looking one...the one most women want for his accomplishments and success and confidence.. well..he desires a woman that is physically the equivalent of that to complement him....Bitter and knackered women looking from the outside in,  call these other women gold diggers and trophy wives, but it usually has nothing to do with that...In other words that same sense of pride women have for their alpha type high level husband/man...well...he looks for the same in terms of looks from his mate...It doesn't mean she has to be a dumbbell with a genetically blessed great ass and tits, but rather an accomplished woman that knows how to present herself and take care of herself..

TFY