Boyfriend doesn't find me attractive

[thefooloftheyear]

11 hours ago, healing light said:

 

 

There are lots of reasons that people can be overweight: endocrine imbalances, slowed metabolism from different diets, gut dysbiosis, food allergies, etc. And then there are people who are perfectly healthy yet overweight, healthier than their slim counterparts. Her 40 extra pounds does not automatically mean she is unhealthy, and even if she isn't at her ideal weight, should she continue to put up with men who belittle her or shame her or hold the carrot up of their love and attraction only if she meets certain criteria under the hope of her potential rather than who she is in this moment? What if it's not her constitution to be as slim as this guy prefers without starving herself? What then?

 

I wont dispute anything you are stating, but please, don't mislead anyone into thinking that ANY woman that is 40+ lbs overweight isn't unhealthy, because there isn't a medical professional on this Earth worth a shyt that would agree with you..

TFY

[kendahke]

On 1/12/2020 at 11:53 AM, SSE said:

I have guys telling me they find me attractive the way I am right now.

Focus on dating those men.  

Cut the guy you're with loose.  He doesn't accept you as you are whereas other men do.

Continuing with this guy will age you before your time... then he'll be complaining that you need a face lift.

[smackie9]

This guy is critical about your weight, is opening a bar, and will be working there, hiring hot waitresses, will be hit on by drunk women, etc. Looks bad already. Dump him.

[gaius]

13 hours ago, healing light said:

 

I can't believe that this response is real. So the OP should put up with demeaning comments about her body weight? That's "love?" And men who would accept her for how she is and be attracted to her right now are just kidding themselves? Sounds like you've been conditioned by the media.

They're not really kidding themselves, they probably think that's all they can get. Or they're bad communicators, can't bring themselves to be confrontational, dishonest, uncomfortable with and threatened by the idea of having a thin girlfriend. Or maybe they even like fat girls. But if 40 pounds overweight is their sexual preference, being attracted to a condition that's unhealthy for your partner isn't really doing your partner any good. There are many different explanations but not one that would make a guy a great partner.

At the end of the day she told this guy she was losing weight, and if that was a lie and she's still shoving large quantities of food in her mouth in front of him then he should say something. That's a sign of a healthy and honest communicator. Plus instead of just dumping her he is trying to make it work. Another good sign.

Maybe he really is just a controlling douche and will criticize her no matter what she does but you really can't tell based on just what she's posted.

[Ruby Slippers]

^ He's nitpicking her daily habits because she's not losing weight fast enough for him. That's kinda douchey. If you can't love someone as they are, don't get involved and expect you can change them. Weight and eating habits take time to change, if they're going to stick for life.

Like I said before, his criticizing is only stressing her out, and stress makes your body hold onto fat in a kind of fight response mode.

She's unlikely to make much progress with her weight loss in this hostile environment. 

I agree it's not healthy to be 40 pounds overweight. It's even more unhealthy to be saddled with a 180-pound man who's impeding your weight loss progress by stressing you out about it.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, kendahke said:

Focus on dating those men.  

Cut the guy you're with loose.  He doesn't accept you as you are whereas other men do.

Continuing with this guy will age you before your time... then he'll be complaining that you need a face lift.

I agree with this^.  TBH, you may take off this 40 pounds for a while but if you plan to marry and have kids it will probably be back and even harder to lose with a child in tow.  He will forever be unhappy with your appearance and you will be stressed and insecure.  Concentrate on the men who like you the way you are now.

[stillafool]

One other question:  Were you this weight when he first met you?

[gaius]

She didn't mention that she's lost any weight since they've been together Ruby so he might not have started nitpicking until it was clear she wasn't actually taking concrete steps to do so. Men like to problem solve so I can see him trying to help her via suggestion. Which is coming off like nagging.

If she's not actually doing anything substantial to lose weight then she probably should break up with him. Because he sounds like he's not going to tolerate it long term. But a guy who instead says nothing and smiles when she says she's losing weight and then doesn't will be a step down.

[thefooloftheyear]

42 minutes ago, enigma32 said:

 

As to what her boyfriend is saying to her, I think he is likely in the wrong here. If he wanted a more fit GF, then he should have gotten a more fit GF. He should not have gotten with a girl that he was not all that attracted to and then pester her into losing weight for him. 

Like a lot of women do, there are some men that like to "fix" their women, or try to "create" the model in their head that they think is ideal...

And just like with women doing it to men, it rarely works...This is not Frankenstein … the other party rarely complies....

TFY

[Ruby Slippers]

35 minutes ago, thefooloftheyear said:

Like a lot of women do, there are some men that like to "fix" their women, or try to "create" the model in their head that they think is ideal...

And just like with women doing it to men, it rarely works...This is not Frankenstein … the other party rarely complies....

TFY

That's the real lesson in all this. Don't get with somebody you can't love as is. People only change if they truly want to, not because anybody is on their case to do it. Meaningful change takes time and serious commitment that comes from within.

[healing light]

10 hours ago, thefooloftheyear said:

I wont dispute anything you are stating, but please, don't mislead anyone into thinking that ANY woman that is 40+ lbs overweight isn't unhealthy, because there isn't a medical professional on this Earth worth a shyt that would agree with you..

Ironically, I AM a medical professional. Top of the class all the way through school to my doctorate.  Yes, extra weight is associated with myriad health problems--which many people love to exploit to body shame others in the interest of their "health"--but there are healthy patients that are overweight according to BMI guidelines. Chances are anyone who follows the standard American diet probably is not one of them, but you can't automatically lump every person into the same category and declare what's best for their health or their constitution without knowing the individual factors involved. 

[Eternal Sunshine]

13 hours ago, thefooloftheyear said:

I wont dispute anything you are stating, but please, don't mislead anyone into thinking that ANY woman that is 40+ lbs overweight isn't unhealthy, because there isn't a medical professional on this Earth worth a shyt that would agree with you..

TFY

The problem is that underweight and nearly anorexic women are not healthy either. If someone is starving themselves but has a naturally larger build, it can’t be healthy. Yet men don’t care in those scenarios.

This guy doesn’t give a c$&p about OP’s health and is using it as a convenient excuse. He should be dumped ASAP.

[basil67]

15 hours ago, thefooloftheyear said:

I wont dispute anything you are stating, but please, don't mislead anyone into thinking that ANY woman that is 40+ lbs overweight isn't unhealthy, because there isn't a medical professional on this Earth worth a shyt that would agree with you..

TFY

I just ran that through a BMI calculator based on my height of 5'7.    40lbs above my ideal weight of 143lbs puts me around half way through the 'overweight' category.   Not 'obese'.  Not 'morbidly obese'.   While it isn't ideal, it's hardly a weight which is going to bring a host of medical problems with it.  

On the flipside of low BMI as mentioned above:  My 20yo daughter has a BMI of 16.3.   On some young women this would be alarmingly unhealthy.  But she eats well, exercises at a good level and perfectly healthy - just has a tiny frame.   We can't judge people on numbers alone.

[SummerDreams]

14 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

That's the real lesson in all this. Don't get with somebody you can't love as is. People only change if they truly want to, not because anybody is on their case to do it. Meaningful change takes time and serious commitment that comes from within.

The only people who are worthy for your changes are the ones who accept you just the way you are!

I used to know a woman (friend of my mom's) who was always overweight and she was becoming heavier as the years were passing by. She met a guy in her 30s who liked curvy women but he told her that she should lose some weight. She agreed, the relationship went on, they got married but she wasn't trying to lose the weight. He started whining to her, asking from her to go on a diet, she became miserable, she was eating lots of food when he was away for work. I remember we visited her once when her H was travelling for work and her bed was full of trash from junk food, sweets, cakes, etc, but when he would be home she would pretend she was cooking healthy food. The result was, their relationship deteriorated, he had an affair and they separated. She blames the OW for her divorce. I don't know why she tolerated being treated like that. I would never get into a relationship with rules. If you don't like me the way I am, then feel free to go.

[thefooloftheyear]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

I just ran that through a BMI calculator based on my height of 5'7.    40lbs above my ideal weight of 143lbs puts me around half way through the 'overweight' category.   Not 'obese'.  Not 'morbidly obese'.   While it isn't ideal, it's hardly a weight which is going to bring a host of medical problems with it.  

On the flipside of low BMI as mentioned above:  My 20yo daughter has a BMI of 16.3.   On some young women this would be alarmingly unhealthy.  But she eats well, exercises at a good level and perfectly healthy - just has a tiny frame.   We can't judge people on numbers alone.

As a guy with a solid/lean 225 bodyweight and a 33 inch waist, just an extra 10 lbs of fat on me makes me feel sluggish, causes my blood pressure to rise, etc. Due to my frame size and muscle mass, Id probably have to be 80 + lbs overweight in pure fat to have the equivalent negative effect of 40 extra pounds on a woman.. .I shudder even thinking about it....Of course anorexic and unreasonably low body fat isn't healthy but no one can convince me, or anyone else that knows anything about living a healthy life, that  a woman that is 40 lbs overweight is considered normal...Even if you forget about the metabolic negative factors, you have no idea what carrying that type of extra mass does to your joints and connective tissues...

Im not here to school anyone or shame anyone,. do whatever anyone wants...its just not something you can rationalize or make an argument for with any degree of common sense, really..

TFY

Edited January 14, 2020 by thefooloftheyear

[schlumpy]

Do you like yourself the way you are? Then dump him. Let him find someone else to live up to his fantasy woman.

If you want to lose weight, then lose it, but do it for yourself. Your relationship will never last if he wants to modify you at this early stage.

He should accept you for who you are and then be pleasantly surprised when you improve yourself for him. That is a wonderful gift to share with someone you care about.

 

 

 

[Eternal Sunshine]

Actually if you look at overall mortality, many research studies have found that women in the overweight but not obese category, live longer than any other group...40 lbs still fits into this group.

[gaius]

Timshel has a relative in an old folks home that we go to see once in a while and the one thing you never see there are women who are 40 pounds overweight. If they were fat in the past they either lost the weight by now or they're dead.

Also, when someone says they're blah pounds overweight it's usually an underestimation. If she's saying 40 it's probably 60 or more. 

[thefooloftheyear]

Here is the thing I fail to understand...And bear in mind, I don't care what anyone does or how they live their lives, nor would I judge anyone over it...

There are guys out there right now that were born to be 5'2" and 120 lbs soaking wet and are virtually invisible to the opposite sex...There are also guys who have gone bald by the age or 20, or have such a tiny dick that they fear being with women for the obvious reason that once it got to the point of sex, she will either die laughing or never talk to him again...

While none of these characteristics/flaws have any real health or lifestyle benefits, if you asked these guys what they would do to change that, they'd probably tell you that they'll drag their balls over 100yds of broken glass every morning to not have to deal with it...

Contrast it to women and weight, which in most cases has a solution and a proven  positive heath benefit, makes a woman far more attractive on the dating market, and all you hear is excuses, rationalizations, ignorance of proven medical literature/studies, etc.. Instead, you get the "accept me as I am" social movements and "fat is the new thin" media blitz etc...

Like I said, do whatever you want and live the life you want to live.., I just don't get it, really...

TFY

[SummerDreams]

1 hour ago, thefooloftheyear said:

Here is the thing I fail to understand...And bear in mind, I don't care what anyone does or how they live their lives, nor would I judge anyone over it...

There are guys out there right now that were born to be 5'2" and 120 lbs soaking wet and are virtually invisible to the opposite sex...There are also guys who have gone bald by the age or 20, or have such a tiny dick that they fear being with women for the obvious reason that once it got to the point of sex, she will either die laughing or never talk to him again...

While none of these characteristics/flaws have any real health or lifestyle benefits, if you asked these guys what they would do to change that, they'd probably tell you that they'll drag their balls over 100yds of broken glass every morning to not have to deal with it...

Contrast it to women and weight, which in most cases has a solution and a proven  positive heath benefit, makes a woman far more attractive on the dating market, and all you hear is excuses, rationalizations, ignorance of proven medical literature/studies, etc.. Instead, you get the "accept me as I am" social movements and "fat is the new thin" media blitz etc...

Like I said, do whatever you want and live the life you want to live.., I just don't get it, really...

TFY

And if you compare a short man with a man with no feet, the short man's problems are ridiculous. There is always something worse in the world.

The "accept me as I am" is not a movement, it's the basic requirement of people respecting other people and their choices. Just because something could be fixable it doesn't mean we have to crucify someone who decides not to fix it. And most of all, we are in no place to judge whether they should or shouldn't.

[Ruby Slippers]

7 hours ago, thefooloftheyear said:

Contrast it to women and weight, which in most cases has a solution and a proven  positive heath benefit, makes a woman far more attractive on the dating market, and all you hear is excuses, rationalizations, ignorance of proven medical literature/studies, etc.. Instead, you get the "accept me as I am" social movements and "fat is the new thin" media blitz etc...

I must say I agree with this. It took me a while, but I've finally accepted that it's simple biology that men care a whole lot about looks. Looks are probably 90% of it for most men, with inner qualities making up the other 10%. I've always been in decent to good shape, but beyond that have made the effort to refine my physical qualities to increase my appeal. I keep my hair long, take good care of it so it's shiny and nice, maintain a clean diet for good health and skin, wear dresses and feminine clothes, and so on. It seems utterly futile to instead argue that all men should accept me for being what most of them consider unattractive 

[elaine567]

7 hours ago, gaius said:

Timshel has a relative in an old folks home that we go to see once in a while and the one thing you never see there are women who are 40 pounds overweight. If they were fat in the past they either lost the weight by now or they're dead.

OK but many in Old People's Homes are on the diet they are given by the home,  add in the natural weight loss associated with ageing then no-one is obese.

[stillafool]

13 hours ago, basil67 said:

I just ran that through a BMI calculator based on my height of 5'7.    40lbs above my ideal weight of 143lbs puts me around half way through the 'overweight' category.   Not 'obese'.  Not 'morbidly obese'.   While it isn't ideal, it's hardly a weight which is going to bring a host of medical problems with it.  

On the flipside of low BMI as mentioned above:  My 20yo daughter has a BMI of 16.3.   On some young women this would be alarmingly unhealthy.  But she eats well, exercises at a good level and perfectly healthy - just has a tiny frame.   We can't judge people on numbers alone.

That's just it.  Not all thin people are unhealthy but naturally thin no matter what they eat.  I also noticed a girl at the gym who most would consider severely overweight but her stamina far outweighed mine and some others.  

[elaine567]

3 minutes ago, enigma32 said:

Men aren't attracted to their own hands but they have sex with that every day.

Ok but I guess most men are not fantasising about their own hands, they are fantasising about porn and situations with other women/men.
Their hand is just a means to an end. 
Of course some men are just lazy, they cant be bothered with real life sex as there are a lot of variables that need to fall into place for it to happen.
Masturbation is very convenient, there is no outside pressure or judgement, and with endless porn, endless variety and stimulation, then real sex can be boring...
As he says he is not really attracted then sex is I guess a duty...
Even the hottest woman can't really compete with his hand... if that is what he is about. 

[Trail Blazer]

It's never going to work!  I admit that I've been with women who were slightly or somewhat overweight, who've said that they would lose weight, but for one reason or another, it never happened.  My ex-wife was a prime example of this.

Despite not being overly happy that my ex-wife put on more weight after we got together, it never bothered me, as it was mostly to do with having children.  I did genunely want her to lose weight for health reasons.

The irony here is that, when my ex-wife and I separated, it had nothing to do with weight.  She was halfway through her weight loss journey when we broke it off.  These days she's very fit and healthy.

My ex girlfriend was perhaps 20lb overweight.  However, she was always curvy and had extremely large breasts, which undoubtedly made weight loss a bit of a struggle.  However, she had one of the most beautiful faces I'd ever seen.

I had never wanted nor expected my ex-girlfriend to ever lose weight, despite her saying she wanted to a lot.  I loved her for who she was.  She was extremely beautiful and I was heartbroken for months after we broke up.

I'm now dating a 5'2" 110lb girl who's heavily into health and fitness.  She's gorgeous as well, but doesn't have an ounce of fat on her.  I love her the way she is, too.

The point being, this is more than just weight.  It's about a clear non-negotiable for this guy.  He's just not willing to come out and say what he really thinks as he knows you'll tell him where to stick it!

You either love someone the way they are and embrace them, or you leave and find what you're looking for and let that person be found by someone who'll truly appreciate them!  

Just don't stick around and expect him to change.  That's exactly what he's expecting you to do - sticking around and expecting you to change into something that he wants - before he's willing to fully embrace you.