Boyfriend doesn't find me attractive

[SSE]

Hello all,

I need some advice.

About 2 months ago, I met someone online. We hit it off right away, but I have my doubts about the relationship. First of all, he wants to open a bar with his father. I have a 9 to 5 job. When would I see him? I know it’s early to think about it, but I’m turning 30 and I don’t want to lose any time on someone who wouldn’t be compatible.

But the thing that concerns me the most, are the comments he made about my weight. He often tells me he loves my character and that I have a pretty face, but he has difficulties with my weight. The reason he went on more dates with me is because he I told him I go to the gym to work on my physique. I’m overweight, about 40 pounds, I’m not the prettiest one but it’s not that I look like a monster. I have guys telling me they find me attractive the way I am right now. I admit I don’t like the way I look and I want to be healthier hence the gym.

But apparently I don’t lose weight fast enough because recently my boyfriend made some comments. ‘Are you going to eat that’, ‘You have eaten less than normal’ (when he made protein pancakes instead of regular), ‘How many times did you went to the gym this week’ and recently he gave me the number of a dietitian he once consulted… Telling he will even pay for my consult if I don’t want to. I was offended and told him so.  My previous relationship also made comments about my weight, and I just ignored them even though they hurt me, but I don’t do that anymore. My boyfriend apologized, telling he was saying these things to help me, but it was really hurtful. I am losing weight at my pace. It wasn’t easy for me fully focusing on losing weight with my mom being sick and dealing with the problems at work and the hurt from my previous break up. He said he understood and hasn’t mentioned it since. Besides, I will always look curvy even when I’m not overweight, it’s just the way I’m built. If he wants a slim girl, cool, just tell me and I’m gone. He told me he doesn’t want me to be gone. 

But it stays in the back of my mind. I mean, my own boyfriend doesn’t find me attractive. I have a nice character and a beautiful face apparently. But we’re only 2 months together. Shouldn’t this have to be the honeymoon phase where everything is perfect? Where you like every inch of the other person? What if he meets a beautiful, slim girl at his bar who wants him? Will he still think about my lovely character then?

Anyone got a piece of advice? Or went through something similar? I don’t know what to do… When I’m with him, I notice I am careful of what I’m eating and I don’t feel that comfortable anymore during sex…

[preraph]

Look, sad as it is, men care more about how attracted they are to you and sex than they ever will you as a person.  On this forum we have seen over and over again guys who have been with a devoted wife and mother for years and decades dump them because they aged and put on weight.  It's disgusting, but that's the most important thing to a lot of them.  

 

This guy is already pressuring you, and he's not anyone you should waste further time on.  He's not worth it.  All he cares is that you are hot enough for him to have sex with.  Don't read any more into it.  Block him and move on with your life.  

[carhill]

Advice? It doesn't get any better than this in this current relationship milieu . Accept the man for who he is by his words and actions and decide if that's healthy for you.

One question to ask yourself.... actually two but on the same subject.... How do you feel about your weight?  Would you be attracted to a man who viewed your totality and didn't make note/give notice of your weight?

I ask the last one due to an anecdote with my exW who was heavy for the entirety of our marriage and hooked up with this wiry guy while we were divorcing and moved him into her house and I noted when interacting with them later that he kinda barked orders at her and seemed pretty controlling about a lot of things, her weight included. AFAIK, they're still together a decade later so maybe some women need that tension to remain on-point and attracted, IDK. She never got that from me so maybe it was 'meh, he doesn't care enough'. I guess it'll remain a mystery. In any event, it's your life, do what is healthy for you. BTW, even though obese (5'1" @ 190 at her heaviest), exW was always healthy while we were married, just routine female doctor visits. 

[Bittersweetie]

I agree with preraph, please don't waste any more time on this man. You're two months in and he's already criticizing your appearance? Really? He should be encouraging and supporting you, not questioning your choices. It's time to move on.

[FMW]

Please don't tie yourself down with this guy.  Unless you're willing to get thin and kill yourself to stay that way forever, he's going to continue to have this critical attitude and make mean comments about what you're eating, and you most certainly will never feel comfortable around him when you're intimate.  

Lose weight for yourself if you want, but never do it for someone else.  And seriously, what kind of self-absorbed egotistical person would think it was ok to say the things to you he has said?  Blech.  

[rjc149]

Yes, men are attracted to looks primarily. Women are more attracted to confidence and status (position in society, income level, pre-selection etc). 

Much like men will leave devoted wives who have aged and put on weight, women will leave devoted husbands who get laid off and are unemployed and can no longer provide, or who start becoming needy and clingy or no longer behave like attractive alpha males, or who get too complacent and comfortable in the relationship, etc. 

So you must understand that romantic love is conditional. You are loved by your partner if you meet the conditions of sexual attractiveness that your partner has. For most men, that is having, and maintaining, a slim physique and physical sex appeal. 

At 2 months, has no right, or place, to pressure you to lose weight. If you were married for many years, and you started gaining weight, your husband has a right to bring it up, and it's not fair to him to let yourself go. But this new boyfriend is basically trying to turn you into what he wants. He sees potential in your pretty face, and wants the sexy body to boot. When he's done with you, he'll have his arm candy. That's his mentality. It's not his loving concern for your health. Don't believe that for a second.

Your boyfriend should be encouraging you, cheering you on, celebrating your milestones, not nagging you "are you skinny yet?" 

I've known guys who have done this before -- started dating a heavier girl, pressured her to lose weight, etc. And when she did, and she started getting lots of male attention, she left him for a more attractive guy. I hope this will be you. 

[SumGuy]

My advice, go out with the guys who like your body the way it is.  If you do want to lose weight for yourself, do so.  Even if you got to the weight your boyfriend wants I'd still dump him.

[thefooloftheyear]

Some guys place a higher value to a woman for her beauty and appearance and other guys don't...The problem for most women is that its usually the better quality of men in terms of the things that women find attractive(success, career, status and yes...even looks) are normally the ones that expect the most of the women they choose to be with in terms of appearance weight, etc...

Despite what women say, there is nothing really wrong with it.. as long as the guy has all the other stuff covered...I'd be willing to bet that he does like you and find you attractive, just at a more healthy and normal weight....All you have to decide is whether or not you think its worth enough to make the effort...40 lbs overweight is a LOT for a woman and that is assuming you are being honest about it only being 40#,....If nothing else you are setting yourself for a world of health problems with that much extra body mass..

Its as simple as that, really...

TFY

[Noproblem]

This guy will only destroy your self-confidence and make you get fatter if he continues to exist in your life.

He saw you on day 1, he saw you were over-weight. So, he either deal with it or leave, I would tell him that if I were you.

But better than that answer, just leave him by blocking him, don't even give him the satisfaction of hearing your voice, or reading your text reply..

 

 

[basil67]

4 hours ago, SSE said:

He often tells me he loves my character and that I have a pretty face, but he has difficulties with my weight. The reason he went on more dates with me is because he I told him I go to the gym to work on my physique.

This should have been a deal breaker for you.   Dump him.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Time to move on. Your physique is a deal breaker for him and he should be for you. He'll eventually exit the relationship.

Edited January 12, 2020 by Gr8fuln2020

[elaine567]

You spent years with a MM, who did a hatchet job on your self esteem and you have ran straight into the arms of another loser.
These guy feel bad about themselves but they feel a lot better when they can bring someone else down...
Get rid asap and next time a guy tries to put you down you dump him straight away, no excuses, just dump him.

[Ruby Slippers]

An environment in which you feel that your guy will only love you if you lose weight is not a great environment for losing weight. The pressure, tension, and fear cause cortisol levels to rise, which is a weight loss deterrent.

If you want to lose weight, do it for yourself first. I think you can accomplish this more easily without this guy pressuring you.

[snowboy91]

5 hours ago, SSE said:

I know it’s early to think about it, but I’m turning 30 and I don’t want to lose any time on someone who wouldn’t be compatible.

...

I have guys telling me they find me attractive the way I am right now. 

Some guys are picky about weight. Some are not... and some actually prefer slightly larger women.

Everyone has their preference - and if you believe that you don't fit his preference, then you have every right to walk away. It's only been 2 months, you haven't really lost much time.

[preraph]

And don't start thinking no one will love you the way you are.  It does limit the field, but I've known a few women in good relationships who were overweight.  

[Ambereyes]

we may not find someone attractive at the beginning, but once we start to grow feelings, we will also start to grow attraction. So it's ok if he didnt find you attractive, but if his attraction doesn't grow, it's not going to work.

[mortensorchid]

I agree.  Someone who does something like that will find other things to criticize you about.  I have some more news for you in this arena based on a past experience ...

About 15 years ago, I was going out with this guy who said it wasn't going to be a permanent set up if I didn't quit smoking.  I was in the process of dropping what would be 40 lbs off me and had lost about 30 lbs at that point, and I had quit for about 6 weeks.  He was furious with me.  When I asked why, he said it took me too long to do it.  So I should keep smoking then?  No.  Then I should gain the weight back?  No.  He was exercising a power trip over me.  Once I showed him I could do it, he didn't want to pay it forward because it was coming up on his time to meet the bargain.  

This guy will hold this over your head until he can't anymore.  He has you thinking as well that you need him, but that's not true - he needs you.  You're probably the only woman out there who's good enough and kind enough to put up with him.  Don't let loneliness drive you to be with someone you don't want to because he's not worth it.  He's not good enough for you. 

Want to know what happened to this guy I mentioned above?  After he treated me very badly and the hammer of Thor came down on him for how he broke up with me, he rebounded and married another woman barely a year later.  That marriage lasted 3 years after she cleaned him out financially, cheated on him with her lover, etc.  And those 40 lbs I lost?  He gained it plus reinforcement.  

[Vitaminka]

I think he is emotionally abusing you.

You two are not married, don't live together, don't have kids. So, what is keeping you from breaking up with him? There are plenty of guys who will have zero problems with your figure. Five years ago, I've gained lots of weight due to a medical problem.  I had zero problem finding guys to date. None of them complained about my weight. I've lost most of it now and to be honest, guys notice my slimmer body a lot less.

 

[gaius]

A partner with standards is more attractive than one without. Adele just lost a ton of weight and one of the first things she did was get rid of her husband who married her when she was fat. Which was the right move. You shouldn't be partnered with someone who's OK with you being so heavy.

I don't know what this guy's real motivations are for saying what he did but I wouldn't recommend dating someone who's happy with and loves the fact you're 40 pounds overweight. That's not love.

[MsJayne]

My advice is to get rid of this narcissistic simpleton as fast as you can.  It's great that you decided to do something about your weight, but when someone else starts telling you they're not happy with the way you look.......that someone else is just a complete a-hole. Let him go find himself a beauty queen, but, trust me on this, he'd find fault with her as well.  If women stopped tolerating men who are pigs the global birth rate would drop by about 80% overnight. 

[healing light]

2 hours ago, gaius said:

You shouldn't be partnered with someone who's OK with you being so heavy

 

2 hours ago, gaius said:

I wouldn't recommend dating someone who's happy with and loves the fact you're 40 pounds overweight. That's not love.

I can't believe that this response is real. So the OP should put up with demeaning comments about her body weight? That's "love?" And men who would accept her for how she is and be attracted to her right now are just kidding themselves? Sounds like you've been conditioned by the media.

There are lots of reasons that people can be overweight: endocrine imbalances, slowed metabolism from different diets, gut dysbiosis, food allergies, etc. And then there are people who are perfectly healthy yet overweight, healthier than their slim counterparts. Her 40 extra pounds does not automatically mean she is unhealthy, and even if she isn't at her ideal weight, should she continue to put up with men who belittle her or shame her or hold the carrot up of their love and attraction only if she meets certain criteria under the hope of her potential rather than who she is in this moment? What if it's not her constitution to be as slim as this guy prefers without starving herself? What then?

OP, men will love you for how you are right now. But you have to decide if you want to continue with a man who is critical of you knowing exactly what he got himself into--it's not like you're pulling the wool over his eyes. 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, gaius said:

I don't know what this guy's real motivations are for saying what he did but I wouldn't recommend dating someone who's happy with and loves the fact you're 40 pounds overweight. That's not love.

Nobody has suggested dating a guy who loves that she's overweight.    They have suggested finding a guy who loves her for who she is, no matter which way her weight swings. 

[fishlips]

I would get rid of him. Even if you lose weight, there is no guarantee that he will find you attractive. Who knows, he might say your nose is too big. Are you going to get plastic surgery for him?

If you want to lose weight, go for it, but do it for yourself, not him.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

17 minutes ago, fishlips said:

I would get rid of him. Even if you lose weight, there is no guarantee that he will find you attractive. Who knows, he might say your nose is too big.

Or one boob is perky and the other isn't! (Recent thread on here)

[d0nnivain]

I couldn't date a man who wasn't my champion.  This guy sounds like somebody who is tearing you down, not building you up. 

Approaching my 50th birthday I went on a diet for about 1 year to lose the middle age flab that had built up around my middle.  I wanted to be able to wear a bikini on my birthday & I did it.  DH then walked up to me, handed me a pina coloda & said stop with the dieting already.  I thought you looked fine but went along because you didn't like the way you looked but you are miserable.  I'd rather have you happy, eating & drinking then skinny & miserable.   It was very freeing.  

If the guy is ragging on you about your weight get a new guy.