desert1982 Posted January 12, 2020 Posted January 12, 2020 I met a man a year ago. We were friends for the entire year. He was always around. I couldn't help but eventually develop feelings for him. But I had a boyfriend. Boyfriend and I broke up. And this new man came into the picture more. We confessed feelings for each other in December. It was a great December. No sex. But lots of talking and flirting. Every day I would await his text and then a few times a week would hang out and do some things. Either in person or on a video game that we both play. Well, the last time I remember things being good was right at December 31. I blamed New Years for slowing things down. But everything started slowing down. The text messages. The hanging out. It's now on day 12 and I just saw him log into the game that we both play. Mind you, he NEVER logs in this early. And usually when he logs in we play together. I was asleep, but turned over, glanced at my phone and saw that he was playing. And I haven't been able to get back to sleep. Here are some things... 1. I initiated convo a few times, but it feels weird to. So I just stopped. 2. We have talked and hung out shortly in the past 12 days, but nothing like it was before. What should I do? I have read so many advice articles online that basically say not to contact him or chase him. But I honestly just want to write a crazy message to him saying "Where have you been!?!?!" But even that sounds too harsh. I feel so hurt. Am I jumping to conclusions? I even wrote out a list of our interactions for the past few days. 3 of the 12 days are no contact at all. Then the other days very sporadic contact. I just don't know what to do! Should I talk t him calmly about it? Should I just let it go? It's honestly driving me insane. If he's not interested anymore, why can't he just say that. I always read that guys feel bad, but they honestly don't know that this avoidance feels worse.
smackie9 Posted January 12, 2020 Posted January 12, 2020 (edited) What happened on NYE? Tell me what this guy is like, is he an introvert? Does he lack dating experience? Edited January 12, 2020 by smackie9
Author desert1982 Posted January 12, 2020 Author Posted January 12, 2020 1 minute ago, smackie9 said: What happened on NYE? He hung out with some of his friends. We weren't together. I was with my friends/family. We didn't plan anything together. We're not a couple. I actually don't know the specifics of what happened with him. But I did text him New Years morning, wishing him a Happy New Year. He said thank you, HNY too and said that he was pretty hung over. Then... that's when texting started slowing down. I just assumed that he was busy with the holiday. And things would get back to the normal we had. But now that it's the 12th, I can't make excuses anymore.
preraph Posted January 12, 2020 Posted January 12, 2020 He's losing interest and apparently doesn't care enough to pursue into a sexual relationship, for whatever reason, which is odd. Usually guys will go there if they'll go nowhere else. 1
Author desert1982 Posted January 12, 2020 Author Posted January 12, 2020 8 minutes ago, smackie9 said: What happened on NYE? Tell me what this guy is like, is he an introvert? Does he lack dating experience? He is definitely an introvert, but is still a people person. He has many friends and is loved by them all. But at times he complains about people contacting him too much. And if he's with people, he'll be away from them in a room even though he likes them. I know that he got out of a relationship about 2 years ago. And he doesn't really date much. Also, he did ask me once why I never text him and why he always has to start the convos. Do you think that could be the reason? It's just that when I do contact him, the conversation never goes anywhere, so I stopped trying to contact him.
Author desert1982 Posted January 12, 2020 Author Posted January 12, 2020 2 minutes ago, preraph said: He's losing interest and apparently doesn't care enough to pursue into a sexual relationship, for whatever reason, which is odd. Usually guys will go there if they'll go nowhere else. That's what I'm wondering as well. Did he lose attraction for me? Another thing is, I sent him a selfie (that I thought was pretty cute, lol) on the last day that we talked. I have also thought about maybe he just realized he was not attracted to me. But I don't know. He said so many times that he thinks I'm beautiful/sexy. Do you think I can do anything to get his interest back?
FMW Posted January 12, 2020 Posted January 12, 2020 (edited) 6 minutes ago, desert1982 said: he did ask me once why I never text him and why he always has to start the convos. Do you think that could be the reason? Well.....yes! As for the texting convos never going anywhere, realistically where are they going to go? For most men, and for some women (including me) they are not interested in texting as more than a quick check in or to set up face to face meetings. So text him, ask how the new year is going, and then depending on his answer maybe suggest hanging out. If he doesn't hold up his end after that, then he's probably just got something else going on right now that's occupying his attention (not necessarily another woman). But at least reach out and see what happens. Edited January 12, 2020 by Finding my way
Author desert1982 Posted January 12, 2020 Author Posted January 12, 2020 I said "on the last day we talked"... I don't know why I keep saying that. We've talked a little bit here and there, but when I say that, I mean December 30th. That feels like the last day we talked, even though 2 days ago is the last day we talked.
preraph Posted January 12, 2020 Posted January 12, 2020 Why are YOU taking the blame here? I will ask what type selfie you sent. Was it semi-nude or showing a lot? If so, maybe he doesn't respect that. If not, then maybe he just realized you want to get sexual and he is not anywhere near ready for that and is immature. Why would you want him back? He's lukewarm on you and the relationship would have developed a long time ago if it was going to, most likely. He seems to be the one who doesn't want to move forward, so leave him behind and stop blaming yourself and find the next guy.
Author desert1982 Posted January 12, 2020 Author Posted January 12, 2020 (edited) It was a sexy photo. I wasn't showing skin, but I was posed in a sexy way. He asked for a photo like that. He also sent one of himself. Edited January 12, 2020 by desert1982
Author desert1982 Posted January 12, 2020 Author Posted January 12, 2020 15 minutes ago, Finding my way said: Well.....yes! As for the texting convos never going anywhere, realistically where are they going to go? For most men, and for some women (including me) they are not interested in texting as more than a quick check in or to set up face to face meetings. So text him, ask how the new year is going, and then depending on his answer maybe suggest hanging out. If he doesn't hold up his end after that, then he's probably just got something else going on right now that's occupying his attention (not necessarily another woman). But at least reach out and see what happens. I honestly have no idea what to text him at this point. I feel like anything I say is the wrong thing. And I just feel insecure in everything that I think about texting him.
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted January 12, 2020 Posted January 12, 2020 If he didnt make any advances and is wondering why you never text him, he probably thinks you are not interested. When things slow down like this, instead of picking up, both parties are at fault... It sounds like you lack communication skills, I mean you play a game with him, can text him, yet you dont know what to say? The idea is to have a serious talk about where you two are headed just as things begin to slow down, having that talk after things slow down just makes you look desperate... Forcing that talk does as well, but not to the extent that initiating the talk after the slow down does. The thing is, you didnt even have to force the talk, coulda just hung out on NYE and it would of been implied. Y'all putting this on the dude alone are crazy, how are you supposed to be with a high value, desirable man when you dont chase and show no interest... Dudes have options out here, we are not gonna bend over backwards and clamor for your attention, this is 2020, not 1997.
Author desert1982 Posted January 12, 2020 Author Posted January 12, 2020 4 minutes ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said: If he didnt make any advances and is wondering why you never text him, he probably thinks you are not interested. When things slow down like this, instead of picking up, both parties are at fault... It sounds like you lack communication skills, I mean you play a game with him, can text him, yet you dont know what to say? The idea is to have a serious talk about where you two are headed just as things begin to slow down, having that talk after things slow down just makes you look desperate... Forcing that talk does as well, but not to the extent that initiating the talk after the slow down does. The thing is, you didnt even have to force the talk, coulda just hung out on NYE and it would of been implied. Y'all putting this on the dude alone are crazy, how are you supposed to be with a high value, desirable man when you dont chase and show no interest... Dudes have options out here, we are not gonna bend over backwards and clamor for your attention, this is 2020, not 1997. If it sounds like I'm putting this all on him, I am not. Believe me. My thought patterns have all been what have I done wrong. I've thought about it in all sorts of ways. And the reason is why I'm hesitant of texting first is because of experience. I have been ghosted, men just stop responding out of nowhere, or I text too often. It's insane. And it leaves me with this. I really like this guy which is why I'm having a hard time just letting it go... just wondering if I can save it. Also, I try to read/watch advice on this stuff... on how to be a "high value woman". THEY ALL SAY not to chase. And then guys say the opposite?
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted January 12, 2020 Posted January 12, 2020 Just now, desert1982 said: If it sounds like I'm putting this all on him, I am not. Believe me. My thought patterns have all been what have I done wrong. I've thought about it in all sorts of ways. And the reason is why I'm hesitant of texting first is because of experience. I have been ghosted, men just stop responding out of nowhere, or I text too often. It's insane. And it leaves me with this. I really like this guy which is why I'm having a hard time just letting it go... just wondering if I can save it. Also, I try to read/watch advice on this stuff... on how to be a "high value woman". THEY ALL SAY not to chase. And then guys say the opposite? Two people that both share a high value mindset will rarely get together, if ever... The get together is often initiated by one submitting to the other.
Author desert1982 Posted January 12, 2020 Author Posted January 12, 2020 1 minute ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said: Two people that both share a high value mindset will rarely get together, if ever... The get together is often initiated by one submitting to the other. TBH, he's not high value. At least not according to things on the internet. I still like him a lot - I think he's wonderful. So, you're saying that I should chase since he does not have a "high value" mindset?
FMW Posted January 12, 2020 Posted January 12, 2020 No one has to chase. You just have to be willing to overcome your insecurities and ego (that we all deal with) and reach out - if it matters to you, which by posting I assume it means it does. Don't continue reaching out if he NEVER responds, but one little text isn't chasing. 1
smackie9 Posted January 12, 2020 Posted January 12, 2020 Yup introvert. He's playing it in his head that maybe you are not interested or he's not good enough for you. You have to initiate some times yes. That's just normal give and take. And if things look too serious he may have gone into his snail shell due to everyone asking him where his new GF is on NYE. Sometimes the teasing can be too much, and cast doubt, etc. I wouldn't confront him about it, but be a little more forward, flirty, upbeat. Ask him to hangout.
Author desert1982 Posted January 12, 2020 Author Posted January 12, 2020 I'm going to send him a text and see what happens from there. =/ I just went onto the game and I saw that he was there but put himself in invisible mode. He didn't want anyone contact him. But I guess I should ignore that. I have done that at times and it doesn't necessarily mean anything.
smackie9 Posted January 12, 2020 Posted January 12, 2020 Don't send him a text just yet then. Wait til he's out.
preraph Posted January 12, 2020 Posted January 12, 2020 Honestly, apparently, exchanging sexy photos is all the skills and end game he's got. I still say move on. You do know he is sitting around masturbating to your photo now, right? And I think that's all he is up for since he's gone quiet. Inexperienced, fearful. Tell me if you know that's not true and he's actually dated a lot.
Author desert1982 Posted January 12, 2020 Author Posted January 12, 2020 It was on snapchat. The pics disappeared and he didn't take any sort of screenshot (that I'm aware of). Snapchat alerts you if they take a screenshot. But there are some apps that can bypass that.
Author desert1982 Posted January 12, 2020 Author Posted January 12, 2020 6 minutes ago, smackie9 said: Don't send him a text just yet then. Wait til he's out. I'll text him later.
Author desert1982 Posted January 12, 2020 Author Posted January 12, 2020 This site is SO helpful. Wow. Thank you guys for taking the time. I really like it here. I'm going to use this site from now on. I'll update this thread if I need to for more advice if I need it. Is that okay to do? 1
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted January 12, 2020 Posted January 12, 2020 30 minutes ago, desert1982 said: TBH, he's not high value. At least not according to things on the internet. I still like him a lot - I think he's wonderful. So, you're saying that I should chase since he does not have a "high value" mindset? High value is a mindstate, not a state of being. I used to be homeless at a point in my life, but i carried myself in a high value mindset still. When he suggested you text him more, he was basically saying he is in a higher value mindset than you. Women get really pissed off when a man presents himself as high value but has nothing of value, so when a man suggests you submit, hes basically putting your entire time together on the line and will probably establish no contact or minimal contact to reinforce his choice. This guy does not believe he should go out of his way to get your attention; you are probably not a "catch" in his eyes, maybe his standards are just really high or he feels putting anymore time into you is a waste; I have been left feeling like my time has been wasted LOTS, us men got a grudge against those women who waste our time like that real talk. Best of luck.
Author desert1982 Posted January 12, 2020 Author Posted January 12, 2020 2 minutes ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said: High value is a mindstate, not a state of being. I used to be homeless at a point in my life, but i carried myself in a high value mindset still. When he suggested you text him more, he was basically saying he is in a higher value mindset than you. Women get really pissed off when a man presents himself as high value but has nothing of value, so when a man suggests you submit, hes basically putting your entire time together on the line and will probably establish no contact or minimal contact to reinforce his choice. This guy does not believe he should go out of his way to get your attention; you are probably not a "catch" in his eyes, maybe his standards are just really high or he feels putting anymore time into you is a waste; I have been left feeling like my time has been wasted LOTS, us men got a grudge against those women who waste our time like that real talk. Best of luck. Interesting. Well, he did come after me hard. I mean, in my original post at the top I did mention how he's been after me for an entire year. In that entire year, he has been a great friend. I got the impression that he loved who I was. I started getting feelings for him as well. When my ex and I broke up, he was there. And in December we expressed our feelings. So, if he doesn't think I am high value, then why the chase for a year? And that is what I am so torn up about right now. Like... all of that... for a YEAR and really a great month when we expressed feelings. And now the distance? I am trying hard to keep myself cool instead of blowing up my phone with crazy messages about why he's been so distant. If he doesn't think that I am worth his time, then fine. I just wish he could say something. Instead of me trying to guess. A simple, "I really enjoyed time with you, but I am just not interested. You're a wonderful person and I wish you the best." That way I could just mourn instead of trying to adapt psychic abilities or go onto forums or read internet articles. Men have taught me not to ask, to play the game, don't text too much, don't chase, do chase, don't do this, don't do that. Then I'm just left confused with a broken heart. It's not nice. It's not fair. And I'm actually getting tired of it. Starting to think being single is way better.
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