Is money an issue?

[girlinNYC]

Is social status a deterrent for men in a dating context? I.e a female from a wealthy background with a guy from an average (not poor, but not wealthy) family?

My parents are millionaires, and the guy I've been interested in isn't your textbook 'wealthy' - his family isn't poor (he is private school educated) but they aren't millionaires. Although he's continually made efforts with me and we have a history, he also makes comments about how he's a "pauper" compared to me, that I'm a "trust fund baby" and "silver spooned" - nothing malicious, all said in jest. We have since verified that we aren't going to be a couple, he couldn't give me an answer as to why but wants us to remain in each others lives without the whole dating thing. 

Since his comments about us being from different socioeconomic backgrounds, could it be he's intimidated by the family money? Or that he doesn't think he's good enough or will be judged by my family for not being a trust fund baby? Obviously, not many people will openly admit to that if that were the case. Thoughts?

[lana-banana]

Nothing you wrote sounds like money had anything to do with this guy's non-interest. No amount of money is going to discourage someone who likes you. This guy isn't into you, that's all. And don't read too much into the "I want to keep being friends/hanging out" comment; that's a nice guy throwaway line.

[schlumpy]

I would think your complaint would be about guys who are eager to be with you and you worrying about whether it's the money they like.

I can see where your money status would put him off if he's the type of man whose psychological center is that of a provider. What use would you have for him? What role would he have in the relationship that would satisfy his need to be the source? He could certainly be the source of your emotional happiness but is that enough for him?

It might be too late since he's reducing the status of your relationship but you could change the dynamic by making an effort to live with what he provides for you. The trust fund isn't going anywhere but it does look like this guy is, and you do seem to have more than a casual interest. At least you know he's not after your money and that may be worth exploring.

 

[thefooloftheyear]

1 hour ago, lana-banana said:

Nothing you wrote sounds like money had anything to do with this guy's non-interest. No amount of money is going to discourage someone who likes you. This guy isn't into you, that's all. And don't read too much into the "I want to keep being friends/hanging out" comment; that's a nice guy throwaway line.

I don't generally agree often with LB but here she is dead on correct...

He's picked a convenient excuse to keep you at arms length....Period...Ill go one step further...Most guys would kill for this situation...What it would mean if you were a couple is he probably wouldn't have to be so depended on as a lot of other guys would if the situation was different..

TFY

[Ruby Slippers]

You can date below your socioeconomic level, but it would take a very special guy to handle the unique pressures of that situation. For whatever reason, this guy decided it wouldn't suit him.

Money is always an issue. It's the #1 cause of relationship disagreements and divorces.

[smackie9]

It's not about the money...if it was he would tell you. If you were really hot he wouldn't care about whether you were rich or poor, or anything else. Sorry he's just not interested. TBH men are not affected by financial status like women are.

Now if it were true that he is intimidated about it, I wouldn't be friends with him either.

[irregular guy]

Money is ALWAYS an issue, but the questions is, is it THE issue. If you make more money than he does, that is an issue for a lot of guys. Probably most guys, I'm guessing. That, however, does not seem to be the case in this situation. Your parents being rich, does not affect a guys ego. It could be that he thinks (and maybe you are) spoiled by the money. Rarely do kids from wealthy families, turn out unaffected by the money, either from being treated badly by their parents, other kids, or whatever. So it maybe something about your behavior, as a result of being exposed to money (or not from money at all), or it could be that he just isn't really interested in you.

Most guys, I think, (and girls) have a problem of thinking they are not good enough. They do all sorts of play acting and stuff to attract someone, and later since none of it was real, they don't think they are good enough. This is also a possibility. This, however, would have nothing to do with your family being wealthy. I would not expect anyone to really think the money makes you better than anyone else, because this is a sort of subconscious kind of thing, and our subconscious minds are much more intelligent than that!

People are very strongly affected by ego and guilt. The old saying "nice guys finish last" comes from guilt. Most people drink socially, because people who drink feel very uncomfortable about being around people who don't drink. Likewise with people who don't sleep around, or any sort of bad behavior that people feel guilty about. Being a good person, makes people uncomfortable. So that is another possibility.

Then there's commitment fears and a whole bunch of other things. Anyway, like I said, since it is your parents money, not yours, and you didn't earn it, it should not be an issue at all for him. It is likely something else.

[Foxhall]

A guy will feel somewhat intimidated I suppose if they feel their woman is superior to them in some way,

yet it should not matter really if their chemistry is good otherwise,

In a similar context, I might question am I good enough for my girlfriend, she has a phd and speaks four different languages fluently, in other words is a lot smarter than I am,

but I dont mind that ,although I would be a little afraid she could dump me pretty sharp,

maybe thats his motivation, hed prefer to have a girl who would be more dependent on him.

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Here's the point: you don't need to care WHY this guy made these quips. 

Next time, tell the person you don't appreciate the jokes about your family's wealth. Calling you a "trust fund baby" and born with a "silver spoon"--no, that's an attack on you ... either he treats you with respect or he doesn't.

You don't want someone to attack you for just being from a family of millionaires. If he has a problem with your character or your judgment, then he shouldn't be your friend.  If you treated him in a bad way, then don't be your friend or call  you out on the specific behavior. Calling you out on your background, which you didn't create one way or the other, is totally unfair. 

You want to get a voice on this in the future ... "Hey, you have a problem with my background? I really don't appreciate your comments. You don't know my family, and they are good people. My background is my background. Is this going to be a problem? I don't appreciate these comments."

To your direct question, I don't know if this was the problem. But ... if it was, then this is evidence again that this guy isn't a good person for you. I fell hard for a rich girl in college, and I can be critical of wealthy people. Never occurred to me to say something negative about her family and the amazing vacations she went on and the absence of any pressure to get a summer job.  She was wonderful. 

Now yes, guys can be insecure about a woman from more wealth ... and even secure guys might have a moment of awkwardness ... say visiting their wealthy partner's home for the first time ... But the discomfort should really go no further.  

My family isn't from wealth but in the area I grew up in ... but my parents were "wealthy" in how educated they were compared to our neighbors. I'm about to meet an old buddy who grew up near homeless ... In all the years I've known him, he never said one word about me being stuck up because of my parents' education levels. 

 

 

 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

This guy is trying to play off your emotions; no comment about money is said in jest.

I would say this guy is definitely interested, but sees you as very high value and is thus making himself unavailable to you so he can inflate his own value. If he was increasing his value with something more concrete, maybe he would be a prospect for you, but this all sounds like hot air.

[Trail Blazer]

It could be an issue to some guys, not for others.  My ex-girlfriend's family were wealthy; they owned a transport company with many trucks and many contracts hauling all sorts of goods down the west coast/Midwest etc.

She, however, was a single mom, not earning a great deal of money.  Considering some of her choices for ex's, I looked quite good in comparison.  Her folks would help her out at times, but she didn't live a lavish lifestyle at all.

My current girlfriend is from quite a wealthy family.  Her deceased Dad rubbed shoulders with, and worked for, many prominent people in the Pacific North West.  Her Mom's second husband, with whom she's now divorced, was a wealthy executive who worked for Nike.

My girlfriend is highly educated, grew up in a very well-to-do neighborhood and attended one of the best private schools in town.

What do I have to offer?  Well, for a blue-collar dude from a single-parent household, I didn't exactly grow up with the silver spoon.  My Mom did her best to make ends meet, but there wasn't a lot left over.  I should feel pretty insecure, right?

Well, I don't.  And nor should anyone, if they've got their head screwed on and have made a life for themselves.  

I've been on both sides of the spectrum.  I earned moderate wages for years whilst living with my ex-wife whom, not ever having grown up with a lot of money herself, was actually somewhat entitled.

In a strange twist of irony, after our seperation and divorce, I started to earn significantly more money, to the point where, these days, I consider myself earning a very decent salary.  All while still remaining a blue-collar working, using tools instead of a keyboard (mostly).

It sounds like he's not into you and is making excuses.  Or, he legitimately has self-esteem issues and is very insecure.

Either way, a man who's secure in himself would see a girl he really likes as someone he could provide for side-by-side with whatever money she may come from.

I mean, if her parents-in-law realize that he's a capable self-starter who has made something of himself and is doing quite well, they should have a lot of respect for him.

My current girlfriend respects me for my achievements, but above all else, the chemistry which we have is the most important things.  It makes money redundant. 

I do firmly believe that how a man carries himself is a large determiner in how attractive he is to women.  A man who can display capable social functioning despite perceived (or not) shortcomings is a man not only worth keeping, but one who will stick around (as opposed to leaving due to feeling insecure).

[Miss Spider]

No guy is going to reject a girl because her parents are wealthy. It’s not a thing. 

Edited January 14, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[basil67]

But how the wealth is managed and displayed and the girl's attitude towards it could well be a thing.   If a woman is used to having everything handed to her on a platter, designer clothes, expensive holidays and can't imagine life without her trust fund to support it, I can see a less wealthy man walking away.  

Dating is about finding compatibility.  

[carhill]

On 1/12/2020 at 2:52 AM, girlinNYC said:

Since his comments about us being from different socioeconomic backgrounds, could it be he's intimidated by the family money? Or that he doesn't think he's good enough or will be judged by my family for not being a trust fund baby? Obviously, not many people will openly admit to that if that were the case. Thoughts?

Depends on the social circles you each move in and what the goal of the dating is. I dealt with it more back in the 70's couched both in money and religion (ironic) and the Pebble Beach crowd were polite but made it clear that only certain folks were admitted. We were more bowling alley folks and my dad did people's taxes in addition to his .gov job to put me through private school. Back then, it was college then marriage then into the various family businesses. The lady's parents generally had it all worked out. Either the young man measured up or not. Different era perhaps, money and power were clear points of control back then.

OTOH, hey Larry and Liz (Taylor) had a pretty good time and a decent marriage, as marriages to Liz went, and apparently remained friends until Liz died in 2011. She was an international movie star and quite wealthy and he was a construction worker, regular guy. In their case, though, it was her money and fame and she was the driver and long since over impressing others and making babies. He apparently was comfortable with that.

Some guys can deal, others can't. IDK if the money was a factor in your deal or not. IME, people either click or they don't, no rhyme or reason. The paper stuff, looks stuff, money stuff, that's cool and all but if the click isn't there, meh, not likely to last. IMO, if you like a guy and are your own person, go with that and the rest will either work out or not. You be you.

[major_merrick]

Money is ALWAYS an issue.  Most men (especially those with a more traditional mindset) subconsciously dislike dating above their economic status, dating a woman who has more money or stuff than he does, or dating a woman with a higher career position.  It undercuts the normal dynamic of "husband-provider" in the family.  No matter how equal you want to be, and no matter how little your background matters to you, the fact is that the person with the most money in the house tends to make the rules.  That's not attractive to a guy.  If he can't "win" at work due to lack of status and can't "win" at home due to lack of status, that's not a very happy picture for him.  And guys who don't care about that are either not very competitive, or are looking to leech off of you. 

Sad to say, you'll probably do better looking for someone whose economic status and background are similar to or wealthier than yours.  Or hide your background.

 

[thefooloftheyear]

Often when describing a new girlfriend to others it was "hey she is this/that AND her family is loaded"!

IME, the guys I knew that married into money were pretty happy...Not that they were taken care of or anything, and they worked hard and provided, just that there were times it worked out very well...Like if you were buying a first house, they may have helped with the down payment...Or lent money for a business start up..Maybe they had a vacation home that was available, They spoiled and doted on their kids(grandkids) etc..

Never seen it as a negative....not once...

TFY

Edited January 14, 2020 by thefooloftheyear

[chillii]

l think it's more he's just not into you two enough going on what you've said.

 

 

 

Edited January 14, 2020 by chillii

[PRW]

14 hours ago, major_merrick said:

Most men (especially those with a more traditional mindset) subconsciously dislike dating above their economic status, dating a woman who has more money or stuff than he does, or dating a woman with a higher career position.  It undercuts the normal dynamic of "husband-provider" in the family. 

Hypergamy is also very real.  Even in the best of situations it can still cause the woman to become dissatisfied over time with her guy and may start to "notice" other more well off guys start looking a lot better than what she has currently.  Even if a woman doesn't think that would ever happen with her,...the guy still thinks it will and will effect his decisions.  For myself, I would date such a women (I usually do in fact), but I would be very skittish about anything long term because I would figure in the long term she isn't going to stick around.

[Miss Spider]

I think major_merrick’s point is more women who make more money. I think some studies have backed that up. But that’s entirely different than coming from a wealthy background. The dynamic would be different in that case because the woman wouldn’t necessarily be out-performing the guy. He could still be making more. She just has the financial backing from her family. 

 

 Being a snotty, materialistic, spoiled a-hole is also an entirely different thing. I stand by my opinion that there is no guy rejecting a woman because she comes from money. 

[elaine567]

On 1/12/2020 at 10:52 AM, girlinNYC said:

he also makes comments about how he's a "pauper" compared to me, that I'm a "trust fund baby" and "silver spooned" - nothing malicious, all said in jest

Well we all know that pointed comments made "in jest" are in fact deadly serious. They are digs wrapped up "jokes".
This guy hates the fact that you come from wealth and is putting you down so he can feel better about himself.

I think men who are unambitious or who are so poor they know they can never become wealthy on their own, can accept women who are richer than they are.
They can accept playing second fiddle in order to tap into that wealth. 
Men who are ambitious or who like power, tend to hate wealthy women as these men feel jealous, become insecure and do not want to play second fiddle to anyone.
They often feel happier with the "barista wife", who will never make any serious money of her own, so she will always rely on and look up to him.
 

[major_merrick]

I've noticed that wealthy women also tend to have the "I don't need anybody" attitude.  That can be very off-putting.  The "barista wife" won't have that attitude.  In general, I prefer dating poorer girls too.  Wealthy ones have snotty attitudes and refined tastes.  I just can't please somebody like that, so why try.  And yeah, there is something about dealing with wealth when you come from a poorer background.  Even once you get money of your own, people like that just make you mad.  Definitely not something you wanna date. 

I'll also mention that it may even be nothing about her OP, but rather her family.  With inherited money and/or inherited fame, there's inherited issues whether you are wealthy yourself or not.  My husband and I grew up together in a poor neighborhood.  Although his parents had some money they lived like the rest of us.  His family has inherited wealth and land where we live now.  His ancestors were well-off, and there's a certain amount of local fame.  One Confederate ancestor has a statue in the square of the closest little town, and my husband bears a noticeable resemblance.  There's expectations involved - certain careers, certain social contacts, etc...  There's also inherited enemies and allies.  My husband's ancestors feuded with another family for over a century after the Civil War, and the animosity is still there.  So you don't just marry into inherited wealth, you marry into inherited social issues.  I knew about it, but it really surprised me how much it affects things.

 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

Well we all know that pointed comments made "in jest" are in fact deadly serious. They are digs wrapped up "jokes".
This guy hates the fact that you come from wealth and is putting you down so he can feel better about himself.

 

Possibly.  It could also be that she's behaving in a financially entitled way and he's calling her out.   It's a common thing where I live....if you get too far above your station, people will bring you back down to earth.  

Of course, I don't know what happened in the conversations, so it's just a guess