Lotsgoingon Posted January 11, 2020 Posted January 11, 2020 You did the hardest thing and the smartest to back off now ... I hear you on the despair ... my only thought here is that I think you can invest less in guys who are ambivalent. I don't sense this guy "rejected" you ... because I don't sense that he really had the capacity to be in a serious, intimate relationship--based on the way he behaved. He sorta did the minimum. It's so hard ... but really we want people who seriously want to be with us ... and early on ... they should be making serious, serious, obvious efforts to be with us and prioritize us. Really we want people who are hustling for us ... people not just doing the basics, but stretching. I've dated ambivalent women ... and things just did not work. I've been ambivalent ... and things did not work. I don't think you need to call this result "rejection." This guy didn't fit. He was always struggling to fit. Wasn't clear to me that he was emotionally ready to date anyone! 1
Author mortensorchid Posted January 12, 2020 Author Posted January 12, 2020 I went out tonight to a bar to see some rock music (which I hadn't done in a long time when I used to do it constantly). I ran into some friends that night and one asked, as I had mentioned this when we were texting last week, if I was bringing the jew bf with me. I said no, we are not an item anymore. He said he was sorry to hear that and was looking forward to it. I said I was as well. I realized that this was the second disappointment this guy had given me. I had asked him to go to a party with me weeks before and he decided to go Christmas shopping instead. I made an excuse for him that he's juggling a lot with his kids and all, but that was, like another poster had said, a sign that I didn't see before. He didn't want to go to the party with me because he didn't want to take it public. I didn't see it before then. I felt stupid about it. And sad now, realizing that it wasn't going to happen.
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted January 12, 2020 Posted January 12, 2020 Maybe he just doesnt like being around drunk people or maybe he has anxiety; assuming somebody doesnt like you because they don't want to party is silly.
chillii Posted January 12, 2020 Posted January 12, 2020 (edited) Or maybe he really did have to do christmas shopping, anyone that has kids knows that ain't gonna be put of, and maybe yeah , he had too much goin on for paties anyway. But tbh l really don't see the point of this you didn't have any of this while sleeping with another man , sorry to point that out but that's 500 times the sting than him just not feeling like a party. Edited January 12, 2020 by chillii
FMW Posted January 12, 2020 Posted January 12, 2020 (edited) There are a lot of possible reasons for him not going to the party with you. It's easy to just focus on the ones that reinforce our own particular narrative at any given time - like at the time, that he truly was busy and maybe dealing with some feelings of being overwhelmed during the holidays and dealing with the ex and the kids. And now that things haven't progressed as quickly as you had hoped, that he was just blowing you off. You don't really know - so don't keep analyzing it and hurting yourself with that "sting" when you don't know if it's even warranted. It's normal to view everything through our own selfish lenses. But we have to remember that the other person is dealing with things we can't necessarily relate to and may not even know about. There is nothing to feel stupid about. He just wasn't at the same place you were - not because of anything to do with you , but because of what was/is going on with him. Please don't harden your heart because of this - you'll never get to finding that right connection without being willing to be open and vulnerable. I think the lesson I would take from this experience is to keep your expectations under control. Of course pay attention to what the other person does and says and then act accordingly. This guy clearly enjoyed spending time with you, he just wasn't ready to be the boyfriend you had hoped he would be, at least not right now. You don't have to shut someone out just because they aren't going to be "the" one at the moment. Enjoy whatever connections you make, keep your expectations under control. Our interactions with others teach us things about ourselves that can be really helpful in not only that relationship but others as well. Again - don't withdraw and harden yourself because of disappointments. Edited January 12, 2020 by Finding my way 2
Noproblem Posted January 12, 2020 Posted January 12, 2020 (edited) On 1/9/2020 at 7:13 PM, mortensorchid said: ..........I feel foolish right now. I had thought that I should back off to show if he was into me as much as I was into him, which I feared that he was not. And it has been proven to me that he's not. I was so excited because I hadn't been with anyone for the longest time and this was the first real lead I had had in probably years. OLDs had been had, of course, but in general they are stupid wastes of time. The black cloud, however, has returned. The constant feeling of "No one wants me". I must just not be one of those people. I'd been stupid to think that I was worthy of it, now I'm too old to attract anyone anymore. Warning! Harsh reply! Please stop it with the self pity. Old or not old, obviously you couldn't get a guy even when you were younger. So age has zero relation to why you couldn't get a guy to commit to you. It is either how you look or how you behave or where you live! Change all 3 of them and you'll end up with someone. Change none and you will get night standers only and wishy-washy guys! Self-pity, crying, feeling sad, and miserable will not do you any good, if anything, it will only destroy whatever good you have! You are alive, you are healthy and you are educated. You can do anything you set your mind to. If you look older, a small trip to the plastic surgeon will make you 10 years younger, no freaking shame in that! If you look fat, diet and exercise will get you there, but it takes at least a year. Time to change your old hairstyle and color and cloth style by the way! if your personality has issues, therapy will help you! ( maybe you are too nice, too flirty, too quite , too mean, or too desperate!) If your location sucks ( which is truly sucks ), you should move to the city. You are a teacher, you can get a job anywhere. Try to leave the US altogether, find someone overseas, go to Europe or Asia and teach English there, so many people there to choose from! Why stuck in one place and cry about how unlucky your life is! Life is unfair! You either deal with it or suffer from it. Your choice! Edited January 12, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fix spacing
elaine567 Posted January 12, 2020 Posted January 12, 2020 1 hour ago, Noproblem said: Self-pity, crying, feeling sad, and miserable will not do you any good, if anything, it will only destroy whatever good you have! No-one "normal" wants to speak to, see, date or sleep with miserable people and if you are miserable, people will suss it out right away. Miserable people suck the life out of others and no-one wants or likes that. Noproblem is right, shake yourself up, the world is your oyster. life is what you make it. 2x divorced, 50+ year old guy with 3 small kids and 2 ex wives??? You dodged a bullet, go out and celebrate 1 1
Author mortensorchid Posted January 13, 2020 Author Posted January 13, 2020 It's been over a week since we last communicated. Maybe he did have other things going on, but I think he could take the time out to call or text me. He's not that into you if he doesn't do so. 1
Author mortensorchid Posted January 15, 2020 Author Posted January 15, 2020 Please forgive me for this as I thought the issue was closed, but it seems to have popped up once again. Let me explain ... Yesterday I went to the hospital for a procedure (a colonoscopy as my sister discovered she has colon cancer recently). While there are certain things that you should keep to yourself, if there is anything that can and does create hype about yourself it's posting a photo of a car accident or a hospital selfie. Once the procedure was done, I decided to do just this and post a selfie of me in the hospital. I got immediate responses of course and phone calls, texts, etc. I later posted that I was only in for a procedure and I was a-okay. I went home that night. Divorced Dad sent me a text that evening asking if everything was okay, he saw the selfie of me in the hospital. I responded that I was okay, it was a colonoscopy and I was home now. He said he was scared for a second and asked how it went. I said it was fine, I was awake during it but didn't feel much thanks to the drugs, where had he been? He said he'd been very busy with work, finishing the basement, a family member is in the hospital, kids. I texted back sorry to hear, he said he's surviving. Then I texted back "We still a thing?" His response: I'm not very good at this am I? LOL I think saying we're taking it slow is pretty accurate - if not an understatement. I do like seeing you and spending time together albeit limited. I feel like I'm just beginning to pull my head out of the ground. I'm trying to get a grip on the part of my old life that exists (work and kids) and a private life that I need to figure out how to devote more time to ... If that makes any sense ... I responded (an hour or two later) : I shouldn't stop to play stupid games on my phone this was somewhat more important. Ha ha ha ... But yes I agree it's been slow moving to be sure I understand you are juggling a lot of things with your 3 kids and your ex wife and work and all. And I am sure you are asleep by now and won't read this until you get up tomorrow. However, how do you feel? I then went to bed and when I woke up this morning there was no response. I texted him again : Then should we go forward? No response. 1 1
FMW Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 He was telling you he just hasn't figured out how to move forward yet and have that "private life", the part where you (or another woman) would come in. He's probably being as clear as he can be right now. Your follow-ups probably kind of stressed him out. I'm not saying you did anything wrong - just that his reaction was to withdraw for a bit. He's coming at this situation from a very different place than you are. You are of course free to not agree to be available to him if you aren't willing to take the slow approach, and I know lots of people will tell you to move on. My view is different, but then again it comes from my own circumstances of being in no rush to lock anything down, and my view that you don't have to date one person at a time and either get serious within a few months or end it. I don't have a black or white approach. I'm not talking about having sex with more than one person, just being open to meeting and getting to know other people while not slamming and locking the door on someone like divorced dad who isn't ready to go all in. Something good might come out of it once he's come to terms with his family issues. Just keep your expectations in check and don't close your eyes to other opportunities that might come along. But again, I'm coming at that from my own experience/head space and it makes sense for me. It might be totally wrong for you. It's your choice, and whatever you decide is fine. The opinions here are just that - other people's opinions. It's your life, your feelings, so you have to figure out what you want to do. So if that is to either lock it down and move on, then so be it. I wouldn't text him again unless/until he responds to you. I think he's giving you all the insight into himself that he can at the moment. It's up to you what you do with it. 3
Happy Lemming Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 1 hour ago, mortensorchid said: Once the procedure was done, I decided to do just this and post a selfie of me in the hospital. Although I applaud you for getting a colonoscopy, I don't understand why you would post a selfie from the experience. That seems quite odd. I had one (as I turned 50) and I encourage anyone to do so at 50 or earlier if their doctor thinks it is warranted, but I don't understand the posting of a selfie?? The last thing I wanted to do after mine was take a picture. I wanted to eat some solid food and take a nap. 6 1
preraph Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 Posting a picture of yourself in the hospital was a demand for attention. 10 1
mark clemson Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 1 hour ago, Happy Lemming said: Although I applaud you for getting a colonoscopy, I don't understand why you would post a selfie from the experience. That seems quite odd. If you're dating and trying to evoke some buzz I believe it's a form of "marketing". Of course colonoscopy is a bit off an odd one for that, but hey great that you're healthy MO and you work with what you have to work with. Grats on getting a ping out of him, if that was your intent it worked! I like FindingMyWay's take on this. Back burner him (as he's essentially doing to you) is I think what FMW's saying in essence and I agree. I would move forward with others as they become available but not eliminate this guy out of the running completely either. 1
Happy Lemming Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 2 minutes ago, mark clemson said: If you're dating and trying to evoke some buzz I believe it's a form of "marketing". If the goal was marketing, wouldn't a picture of the OP in a cute little black dress be better than a hospital setting?? There is a difference in the type of response, the hospital setting would be elicit concern or worry, whereas a cute little black dress would elicit more of a "WOW, look at her, she looks very pretty in that dress". I mean the goal is "get" the guy to "want you", not make him think you are sick or injured. 2 2
Miss Spider Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 Very odd one for that. I wonder if it might be linked to other issues MO has been having with dating. Anyway, this guy is not a match for you. Best to move on.
Author mortensorchid Posted January 15, 2020 Author Posted January 15, 2020 3 hours ago, preraph said: Posting a picture of yourself in the hospital was a demand for attention. Sure it is. I wasn't looking for attention from him specifically. But I found the best way to create hype is to post a car accident or hospital selfie. People will come out of the woodworks. Silly? Sure it is. But one's online presence matters as much as one's IRL. My Facebook updates are hysterical to others, I get compliments on them all the time. It's kind of my thing I do. I also take breaks from time to time like everyone else does. I didn't post one of the doctor putting the scope in me, it was the after shot of me in recovery. I actually met someone online because he had posted a selfie of himself in the hospital. As to this situation as referenced about Divorced Dad? I have to move on. It's not going to happen when I thought it was going to. Lofe goes on. Disappointed but then again who hasn't been? 1
Blind-Sided Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 5 hours ago, mortensorchid said: ............ I didn't post one of the doctor putting the scope in me, ....... LOL... well... that would have gotten people talking !! MO... I know that over the last few months, I have given you advice on this, since I'm also the "Single Dad" and have my oldest kid almost full time. But, after last weekend, I do have a new perspective. While I have gone out a few times... last Friday I went on my first real date since my divorce was finalized. It was a great time, and there was no awkward moments at all. I found the woman relatively attractive, and she had a lot to offer. (good career, financially stable, so on) But when it was time for me to go (I had to get my oldest kid from a friend's house) I found myself confused about everything. I wasn't sure if I should hug her, try to give her a kiss... or if I really even wanted anything else to happen. The entire night, there was something in the back of my head that was keeping me from having a "Spark" or real connection. I wasn't expecting that at all. After talking to a few people, we came to the conclusion that even though I wanted to be with someone new, my head wasn't in the game... yet. I'm not saying that this is what is happening with you single dad... but it truly could be he wants the company, but doesn't know how to proceed, and hasn't gotten intimate with you because deep down, he's a good guy, and doesn't want to hurt you, or lead you on. Putting myself in his spot... I would recommend letting him go as anything other than a friend. But it would be nice to send a random txt just asking how he is. 2
lana-banana Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 10 hours ago, enigma32 said: Sometimes, when a guy says to a girl that he wants to take things slow, what he really means is that he wants to continue having sex without a commitment until said girl gets sick of the lack of a commitment and walks away. They haven't even had sex. There's nothing to break up or to stop doing, really. It seems clear from his response (and his non-response to her other questions) that he isn't invested in this situation and has no desire to make her a life priority, much less a girlfriend. He is unavailable, both by circumstance and choice. Believe me, if he wanted to fit her into his life he'd find a way. MO, this hasn't "reopened" or restarted in any way. Nothing has changed except he got in contact with you after you posted a transparently manipulative attention grab. Please start looking for guys who are actually into you. 4
Cersei Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 I think his response to your text was his way of letting you down easy. Sorry this did not go anywhere. 4
introverted1 Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 Honestly, I am not impressed by this guy one bit, and I think he has been quite unfair to MO. He's a grown man of 50, FFS, and he's been divorced for over a year. He's had plenty of time to figure out if he wants a relationship and keeping MO on the hook while he waffles about is extremely selfish. MO, I hope you find love in 2020. 3
jspice Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 Stop. He’s not interested. Quit backing him into a corner about this. Stop asking him what you are. You’re nothing.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 12 hours ago, preraph said: Posting a picture of yourself in the hospital was a demand for attention. Absolutely. Especially not posting why and waiting for all the comments and questions before answering. Cringe. Also cringy was was claiming to be playing games for 2 hours like you'd not seen his text. Why do this? To seem aloof? MO, I don't think this guy is the one. He is not interested in a commitment of any kind, even a conversation. 6
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 12 hours ago, enigma32 said: Sometimes, when a guy says to a girl that he wants to take things slow, what he really means is that he wants to continue having sex without a commitment until said girl gets sick of the lack of a commitment and walks away. But they haven't had sex. She's basically offered and he said no. 1
mark clemson Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 11 hours ago, Happy Lemming said: If the goal was marketing, wouldn't a picture of the OP in a cute little black dress be better than a hospital setting?? There is a difference in the type of response, the hospital setting would be elicit concern or worry, whereas a cute little black dress would elicit more of a "WOW, look at her, she looks very pretty in that dress". I mean the goal is "get" the guy to "want you", not make him think you are sick or injured. Sure. But that wasn't the approach MO took. She took the approach she decided on and it worked in the sense of eliciting at least some interest and response (as per her multiple posts in this thread). I'm not saying this is the most effective way overall, but it was successful in what she wanted to achieve. MO, perhaps as per what HL and some folks appear to be saying, a more Instagram-ish approach to things would help your cause. Not sure if that's "your style" or not but you could see how it works. As you know, men generally tend to be very visual so this might generate some interest.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 25 minutes ago, mark clemson said: As you know, men generally tend to be very visual so this might generate some interest. But do you really think she should be trying so hard to generate this man's interest? 2
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