dramallama Posted January 1, 2020 Posted January 1, 2020 11 minutes ago, mortensorchid said: This morning he texted me and we are supposed to get together tonight but he says he has a headache. That was about 3 hours ago and ... No response to my last text of how he was feeling. I wouldn't read too much into it MO, he could really be feeling ropey and be asleep. I was very annoyed yesterday - having told me he was with family on NYE my whatever-he-is announced at 5pm he hadn't gone as he didn't feel up to the drive, then said he was tempted to come see me (hurrah! how exciting!) but then later said he was too tired (let down!) but tried to persuade me to go to him. Grr! I went out with the girls instead and had him texting all night. I did go over this morning and to be fair he was off colour - he took some headache pills and fell asleep on me at one point in front of the TV! It was good to spend time together anyway, and I'm not pissed off now - he wasn't being entirely flaky after all - so if you can do so, give Divorced Dad the benefit of the doubt. You've got so much going on right now, you don't need to tie yourself up in knots over a guy who's keeping you at arm's length. Just do the same with him and protect your heart. 1
introverted1 Posted January 1, 2020 Posted January 1, 2020 38 minutes ago, mortensorchid said: It was alright, for NYE. It was just 4 people (me included), I had dinner with them and went home. I was in bed and asleep by 11:30ish. Divorced Dad texted me - he was subbing for a band on NYE at a bar near him (he's a musician, he was drumming for this band), I responded to him. This morning he texted me and we are supposed to get together tonight but he says he has a headache. That was about 3 hours ago and ... No response to my last text of how he was feeling. If it's any consolation, I think I was asleep earlier than you were! I'm sorry about Divorced Dad (DD). Reminds me a little of the guy I just stopped dating , who, in spite of claiming to love me, had so many reasons why he couldn't follow through on plans. We were "together" for more than 6 months with no sex. For reasons I can't quite understand, it was hard for me to break it off. Seemed like each time I was ready to, he'd do something that would convince me to hang in there. I finally ended it and I'm seeing someone new. No idea how it will pan out, but at least he's clear about his interest in me. I hope you find someone who recognizes you for the gift you are. Happy New Year!
NuevoYorko Posted January 1, 2020 Posted January 1, 2020 I don't understand why OP is being beat up for the ONS. When a single person is interested in someone but nothing has happened that seems like they're in a "relationship": I mean, no "relationship talks", no sex, no holiday plans, sporadic communications - why is it bad for them to go ahead and have NSA sex with someone if they feel like it? Is this attitude stemming from the fact that the OP is a woman? If a man was interested in a woman and had the same 4 months of experience with her that the OP has had with the dad - and he had sex with somebody one night - would this render him "not boyfriend material"? I'm not sure it was the best decision simply because I have a sense that it might have been done in a self sabotaging kind of way but I really don't know. If the OP enjoyed herself and there are truly no expectations or potential disappointments, what's the big problem. 4
nospam99 Posted January 1, 2020 Posted January 1, 2020 @nuevo. If you don't understand the OP being 'beat up', it's your values. No 'right' or 'wrong' here. Just that different people, as part of their value systems, have expectations about sexual behavior as a demonstration of commitment and have different values on commitment. In regard to your rhetorical question about a man doing a ONS after 4 months, in my value system he would indeed be 'not boyfriend material' and big time NOT commitment material. I'm curious about why he's behaved as he has, but from what OP has written about Divorced Dad, I see no crossing of a 'line of death'. And given the familial demands on him, which we don't have all the details of, all his actions can still be legit. I think the reasons OP is not intending to tell Divorced Dad about the ONS are obvious. Only OP knows if, with what's gone on between her and Divorced Dad, it would have been appropriate for her to have already demanded an answer about his intentions towards her. 1 1
Author mortensorchid Posted January 2, 2020 Author Posted January 2, 2020 For the record, Muscle Stud and I were safe. At no point did I say we weren't. 1
greymatter Posted January 2, 2020 Posted January 2, 2020 (edited) I still can't figure out why so many think Divorced Dad is such a fragile, delicate creature who has so much on his shoulders that he can't be in relationship because he is a divorced dad, after all! I'm a divorced parent and my partner is also. We have three kids between us. In no way have the kids prevented us from moving into a relationship with either other. And, after the end of a marriage, a lot of people are more than ready to have the experience of being with someone new, and if they are not, it's probably a nice thing to communicate that. Since MO and Divorced Dad have made out, and she has invited him out as her date and even to sleep over, it should be pretty damn obvious to him that she wants more with him. He does not appear to be interested in any of that. I haven't read one thing that MO has posted that makes it sound like he is her boyfriend or anything more than a friend. MO, I hope you do move on and continue to look for someone with whom there is clear mutual interest. You deserve that. You more than deserve it. Hold out for that. Edited January 2, 2020 by greymatter 4 1
Author mortensorchid Posted January 2, 2020 Author Posted January 2, 2020 ^ Hmm, I didn't realize this until just now. Divorced Dad said to me that he's bitter since the divorce (who isn't?), and he hasn't been with anyone since she left. As to his emotional status of being fragile or under a lot of stresses, pressures, etc? I suppose so, but I am being the flexible one with his schedule and whatnot. I am keeping my options open thanks to the behaviors noted in this and the past. Part of why I called up Muscle Stud on Christmas Eve, and that the world's full of lonely people.
NuevoYorko Posted January 2, 2020 Posted January 2, 2020 16 hours ago, nospam99 said: @nuevo. If you don't understand the OP being 'beat up', it's your values. No 'right' or 'wrong' here. Just that different people, as part of their value systems, have expectations about sexual behavior as a demonstration of commitment and have different values on commitment. In regard to your rhetorical question about a man doing a ONS after 4 months, in my value system he would indeed be 'not boyfriend material' I would agree, if they had been dating and building a relationship for 4 months. I've been rooting for MO and the dad, but at this point it's quite clear that they are NOT in any kind of committed relationship or moving in that direction. Not to say it could never happen - but this man is not "boyfriend material" for her, at this point in time. Not because he had sex with anyone; simply because he has not taken any steps or demonstrated that he's about that. She's a free and single woman. 5
Gaeta Posted January 2, 2020 Posted January 2, 2020 MO: What is it gonna take for you to let this divorced-dad go? He's not boyfriend material. He admitted to be emotionally fragile, he has not dated anyone except you since his divorce only that would have me run the other way, he's unreliable, cancels last minute, change plans, lies to why he changes plans, he's not desiring you sexually....what do you get at all from this? Are you sticking around because you don't want to go back fishing? He cancelled because of a headache? I'm not sure I'd believe that. He probably had a better offer somewhere. 1 1
chillii Posted January 2, 2020 Posted January 2, 2020 (edited) On 1/2/2020 at 7:35 AM, mortensorchid said: It was alright, for NYE. It was just 4 people (me included), I had dinner with them and went home. I was in bed and asleep by 11:30ish. Divorced Dad texted me - he was subbing for a band on NYE at a bar near him (he's a musician, he was drumming for this band), I responded to him. This morning he texted me and we are supposed to get together tonight but he says he has a headache. That was about 3 hours ago and ... No response to my last text of how he was feeling. Just tell him you slept with someone else the other night and leave him alone, that should finish this once and for all problem solved . Whatever you two were he has the right to know because he might be a bit of an undecided mess right now but he also doesn't need that bs in his life right now either. Edited January 2, 2020 by chillii 1
Veronica73 Posted January 2, 2020 Posted January 2, 2020 Sounds like, at best, he’s emotionally unavailable right now.
Author mortensorchid Posted January 3, 2020 Author Posted January 3, 2020 Just to update one and all as to the end of this debate, he came over last night for dinner. I decided to give him the cookies and the scarf after all. He walked in with 2 presents for me. He gave me a Star Wars dictionary and a Die Hard game (as in a gamers type game similar to Risk / Dungeons & Dragons). How did I feel? Well ... I decided to give him the items I had for him because I had them and I might as well give them to him, which I did. And he was happy with it, he said he had a winter scarf (which he was wearing when he came in) and said it was quite ratty and needed a new one. He's a good guy, I always thought so, but ... I am keeping my options open just in case. We're not "going steady" and after 3/4 months, we should be. I didn't exactly want to have The Talk with him, was a bit of a wimp about it but not cowardly. Life goes on. 5
Happy Lemming Posted January 3, 2020 Posted January 3, 2020 36 minutes ago, mortensorchid said: He gave me a Star Wars dictionary and a Die Hard game (as in a gamers type game similar to Risk / Dungeons & Dragons). Are these items something you are into?? Star Wars book and a game?? Doesn't seem like something an adult 44 year old woman would find to be an appropriate Christmas gift?? Almost sounds like a re-gift item?? Many years ago, my mother gave me a coffee mug that was a re-gift she had received from a "Secret Santa Work Gift Exchange", she used white out on the To: From: label on the box and re-wrapped it for me. I threw it in the trash when I got home. 2 1
Author mortensorchid Posted January 3, 2020 Author Posted January 3, 2020 He knows I like Star Wars as well as Die Hard. Maybe it is ridiculous for a 45 year old adult woman to like these things but there are plenty of guys who would like these things as well. 5 1
Happy Lemming Posted January 3, 2020 Posted January 3, 2020 1 minute ago, mortensorchid said: He knows I like Star Wars as well as Die Hard. Oh... OK, glad you like your gifts. All good, then.
FMW Posted January 3, 2020 Posted January 3, 2020 Sounds like he put thought into your gifts and made an effort to go somewhere specific where they would be available. I think that's nice. I'm actually glad you didn't have the talk, it wasn't wimpy at all. Probably a good read of the situation and you paid attention to your instincts. I'm glad you're not counting him out but also keeping your expectations in check and not closed off to other opportunities that might present themselves.
nospam99 Posted January 3, 2020 Posted January 3, 2020 How is it he (Divorced Dad) is not 'going steady'? Is he seeing other women?
FMW Posted January 3, 2020 Posted January 3, 2020 "Going steady" is very likely defined differently by different people. Like everything else in this situation, we all have different views and values attached to what mortensorchid is sharing with us. Simply being the only woman he sees socially (which is probably the case, but maybe not) doesn't equal going steady in my book. She can't count on him to be her date to parties, she can't count on gift exchanges. She never knows exactly when/if she's seeing him again. He seems overwhelmed by his family situation and has admitted being bitter about his divorce. That's probably why he's not seeing anyone else, not because he thinks he and mortensorchid are going steady. 1 1
lana-banana Posted January 4, 2020 Posted January 4, 2020 (edited) 11 hours ago, nospam99 said: How is it he (Divorced Dad) is not 'going steady'? Is he seeing other women? He and MO have not been sexually intimate. I think that unless you're asexuals or you've had some other agreement, it's not appropriate to conclude that two adults who see each other sporadically, don't prioritize each other, and don't have sex are in any kind of romantic relationship. Edited January 4, 2020 by lana-banana 4 1
thecrucible Posted January 5, 2020 Posted January 5, 2020 On 1/2/2020 at 6:45 PM, Gaeta said: MO: What is it gonna take for you to let this divorced-dad go? He's not boyfriend material. He admitted to be emotionally fragile, he has not dated anyone except you since his divorce only that would have me run the other way, he's unreliable, cancels last minute, change plans, lies to why he changes plans, he's not desiring you sexually....what do you get at all from this? Are you sticking around because you don't want to go back fishing? He cancelled because of a headache? I'm not sure I'd believe that. He probably had a better offer somewhere. Just thinking about similar situation in my thread and how crap that was and so I agree with you, Gaeta. It's possible that he missed female company on some level and that's one of the reasons he enjoys spending time with MO. I just wonder how often he talks about his struggles with her? If he does then that might explain it. I don't know but I bet MO could test him subtly by mentioning the other guy and whether she might pursue it with him (as they're not exclusive) and watch for his reaction. Or maybe just ask him to be straight with her when it feels right for her. 1
Noproblem Posted January 5, 2020 Posted January 5, 2020 On 1/1/2020 at 5:52 PM, NuevoYorko said: I don't understand why OP is being beat up for the ONS. When a single person is interested in someone but nothing has happened that seems like they're in a "relationship": I mean, no "relationship talks", no sex, no holiday plans, sporadic communications - why is it bad for them to go ahead and have NSA sex with someone if they feel like it? Is this attitude stemming from the fact that the OP is a woman? If a man was interested in a woman and had the same 4 months of experience with her that the OP has had with the dad - and he had sex with somebody one night - would this render him "not boyfriend material"? I'm not sure it was the best decision simply because I have a sense that it might have been done in a self sabotaging kind of way but I really don't know. If the OP enjoyed herself and there are truly no expectations or potential disappointments, what's the big problem. You don't just sleep with someone you don't know! It happens everyday, but it is foolish for either party.. How the heck you know if he/she is gonna be disease free, mental illness free, not crazy criminal. If you are waiting for someone and then you decide to sleep with another man out of frustration, you just end up hurting yourself. 1
PinkFlamingo Posted January 5, 2020 Posted January 5, 2020 On 1/3/2020 at 10:14 PM, mortensorchid said: Just to update one and all as to the end of this debate, he came over last night for dinner. I decided to give him the cookies and the scarf after all. He walked in with 2 presents for me. He gave me a Star Wars dictionary and a Die Hard game (as in a gamers type game similar to Risk / Dungeons & Dragons). How did I feel? Well ... I decided to give him the items I had for him because I had them and I might as well give them to him, which I did. And he was happy with it, he said he had a winter scarf (which he was wearing when he came in) and said it was quite ratty and needed a new one. He's a good guy, I always thought so, but ... I am keeping my options open just in case. We're not "going steady" and after 3/4 months, we should be. I didn't exactly want to have The Talk with him, was a bit of a wimp about it but not cowardly. Life goes on. That sounds nice. Good thing you didn't listen to me about keeping the cookies and the scarfs. 1
Blind-Sided Posted January 5, 2020 Posted January 5, 2020 On 1/3/2020 at 4:58 PM, Happy Lemming said: Are these items something you are into?? Star Wars book and a game?? Doesn't seem like something an adult 44 year old woman would find to be an appropriate Christmas gift?? ... Now, now, now......... Everyone has different likes and dislikes. I'm 47 and I like my retro video games. BUT... I'm highly educated, and am a respected consultant in my professional life... but toys/hobbies keep the mind young. On 1/3/2020 at 5:28 PM, mortensorchid said: He knows I like Star Wars as well as Die Hard. Maybe it is ridiculous for a 45 year old adult woman to like these things but there are plenty of guys who would like these things as well. Not ridiculous at all. Be proud of your "Geeky" ways. LOL. I'm glad that you had a semi-happy ending to this. I know it didn't work out the way you hoped. (with a new relationship) But it sounds like you have a friend. And we all need that. For your own happiness, just let it be that... a friendship. Anyway... I hope you find love in 2020. 1 1
Gaeta Posted January 6, 2020 Posted January 6, 2020 On 1/3/2020 at 5:28 PM, mortensorchid said: He knows I like Star Wars as well as Die Hard. Maybe it is ridiculous for a 45 year old adult woman to like these things but there are plenty of guys who would like these things as well. It's not ridiculous you like those things, I am a huge fan of Star Trek and I am thrilled like a little kid that a new series is coming out BUT, Star Trek gifts are not something I'd expect from a new man. The gifts he gave you are saying he appreciates you but he's not 'attracted' in 'that way' toward you. Look at your gift to him: A scarf, something personal he'll wear on his skin each day, and cookies you baked to him, again something you made with your hands to express your 'feelings'. He offered you a game, that screams 'friendship' to me. From a new man that is attracted toward me I'd expect a silk scarf, perfume, leather gloves, I'd expect something personal. 2
Recommended Posts