Art_Critic Posted December 22, 2019 Posted December 22, 2019 9 minutes ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said: I hope you're wrong because I want MO to find love, but it does sound like this :(. And, if it's first relationship after divorce he may just be really rusty about breaking up, hence stringing MO along :(. so do I but.... it does seem as though she is just his surrogate girlfriend or filler girlfriend though while he goes through refinding himself after the divorce. If she is then it isn't fair of him to do that and she should just walk away... 1
PinkFlamingo Posted December 22, 2019 Posted December 22, 2019 On 12/21/2019 at 2:50 PM, elaine567 said: This is the guy who blew you off to go "Christmas shopping"...!!!! He did and then he didn't even get her something small??? She should really dump him already. Those lukewarm people are such a waste of time. 1
Author mortensorchid Posted December 23, 2019 Author Posted December 23, 2019 I am going to put the scarf away and just give him the cookies. I will hold onto it for another occasion. Or someone else. I might have gone a bit overboard with this but I was so excited about having someone. I'll just relax and let it be. 5
BaileyB Posted December 23, 2019 Posted December 23, 2019 (edited) Personally, I would give him the scarf. It’s not over the top, so he should not feel uncomfortable. I too like to give gifts, with no expectations that I will receive anything in return. As long as you keep your expectations in check, you should be fine. I truly hope that you find someone, friend. I fear that this guy is a little too lukewarm, that he is not able to give you what you desire from a man/a relationship. Again, there is no harm in pursuing this - just keep your expectations in check and don’t waste too much time if he shows over time that he’s not prepared to move forward in this relationship. Best wishes. Edited December 23, 2019 by BaileyB 3
Happy Lemming Posted December 23, 2019 Posted December 23, 2019 15 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Personally, I would give him the scarf. I agree... The scarf is a nice gesture and a nice gift. Its not "over the top" and will keep him warm through the winter. A fantastic and useful gift, you should give it to him.
elaine567 Posted December 23, 2019 Posted December 23, 2019 Don't give him the scarf or the cookies... The ball is in his court, he needs to step up and show you that you actually matter to him... Nothing he has done here shows you that. 3
fishlips Posted December 23, 2019 Posted December 23, 2019 I agree you should give him the scarf. It is a nice gift, even for a friend. I have to agree with the others that a man who doesn't want sex after all those months probably just thinks of you as a friend. The fact that he didn't get you anything implies that you are pretty low on his priority list. I'm not saying he needed to get you diamonds, but if he went Christmas shopping and got you nothing, then that is pretty lame. Of course it's possible he will surprise you, but if he doesn't, I would definitely talk to him after the holidays. If he doesn't want more than friendship, then he needs to tell you. But unfortunately, it doesn't sound good at this point.
elaine567 Posted December 23, 2019 Posted December 23, 2019 He doesn't know MO well enough or long enough to "joke" about not getting her a Xmas present... 2
FMW Posted December 23, 2019 Posted December 23, 2019 mortensorchid, before you have the "talk" get clear on what you need from this relationship, including the timeline for it to happen. Maybe you already have. Those of use saying give it more time are (at least in my case) coming from the point of view that there are no quick deadlines to be met. Your guy is still in transition, figuring out his new normal after divorce. Some people might work through that in a year or even sooner, but others require more time. His attention and responsibility is scattered right now. Personally I think it's smart for him to take his time and not jump into something only to find out 6 months down the road he needs some space and time, breaking your heart. He's taking the space and time now before either of you get more invested. Since you aren't physically involved right now and aren't at the point of automatically being each other's date to parties and where presents to each other are a given, you can continue seeing him but be open to someone else if they come along (and have whatever conversation needed then). Maybe that would help get rid of your paranoia and manage your expectations. He can't reasonably expect you to be focused only on him right now. But if you need to know right away where you stand and want/need to move more quickly, you are well within your rights to not accept less. In that case, this guy probably isn't the one that will give you that right now. You have varying opinions to consider, but it's very personal decision - what do you have to have to continue seeing him? Do you see your only two choices as getting more involved soon or ending it completely? 1
Watercolors Posted December 23, 2019 Posted December 23, 2019 (edited) I say, no scarf or cookies for this guy. He blew off her party invitation last minute to go "Christmas shopping" and didn't even get her a present. Why should she give him anything he hasn't earned (or deserves, in my humble opinion). Whatever his reason (divorce, or who knows) for not taking things with her to the next level (having sex, saying "I love you's", stating he wants to date her exclusively), I don't think she should go out of her way to do anything special for him at all. Since her sister is going into surgery, I think Mort should give her sister the scarf and the Christmas cookies instead. Edited December 23, 2019 by Watercolors 3
PinkFlamingo Posted December 23, 2019 Posted December 23, 2019 (edited) I'd keep the scarf and the cookies for myself. He doesn't deserve any gifts and it will look like wanting to bribe him into liking you or trying too hard to win him over. I would keep it at the same level of interest since his is sooo low. Edited December 23, 2019 by PinkFlamingo 1
PinkFlamingo Posted December 23, 2019 Posted December 23, 2019 8 minutes ago, Watercolors said: I say, no scarf or cookies for this guy. He blew off her party invitation last minute to go "Christmas shopping" and didn't even get her a present. Why should she give him anything he hasn't earned (or deserves, in my humble opinion). Whatever his reason (divorce, or who knows) for not taking things with her to the next level (having sex, saying "I love you's", stating he wants to date her exclusively), I don't think she should go out of her way to do anything special for him at all. Since her sister is going into surgery, I think Mort should give her sister the scarf and the Christmas cookies instead. Yes, give the presents to the sister. They are totally wasted on him. Her sister will appreciate the thought behind the scarf and the cookies. He will probably just cringe inside and hope she didn't get her hopes up too much. 1
Happy Lemming Posted December 23, 2019 Posted December 23, 2019 6 minutes ago, PinkFlamingo said: ... it will look like wanting to bribe him into liking you... Its a scarf, not a BMW... Look "mortensorchid" you say you are a gifter, that is a great quality about you. Don't lose that quality... You are a good person, don't let his "lack of action" change you. 3
Watercolors Posted December 23, 2019 Posted December 23, 2019 (edited) 24 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: Its a scarf, not a BMW... Look "mortensorchid" you say you are a gifter, that is a great quality about you. Don't lose that quality... You are a good person, don't let his "lack of action" change you. Which is why she should gift her sister the scarf and the cookies. Her sister *deserves* such loving gifts from Mort. But this guy will, as PinkFlamingo pointed out, view the scarf and cookies from Mort as an attempt to get him to open up with her more. While I think it's awesome that Mort is so warmhearted and considerate, I think she needs to draw the line with people who haven't earned her trust yet. Nowhere, in any of her threads about this guy, has she given examples of how he's earned her trust and respect. He's blown her off, he's acted hot and cold, aloof, non-committal. Not a guy who deserves any gifts from Mort at Christmas-time. Edited December 23, 2019 by Watercolors 1
Happy Lemming Posted December 23, 2019 Posted December 23, 2019 11 minutes ago, Watercolors said: Which is why she should gift her sister the scarf and the cookies. Her sister *deserves* such loving gifts from Mort. I'm sure "mortensorchid" will find a beautiful gift for her sister (better than a scarf). Moreover, I'm guessing she will be "pitching in" to help her sister with all the "day to day" stuff that will need to be done before, during and after surgery/recovery.
Watercolors Posted December 23, 2019 Posted December 23, 2019 Well obv. but my point is, she shouldn't waste any money buying this guy gifts. 1
Author mortensorchid Posted December 30, 2019 Author Posted December 30, 2019 I am also going to keep my options open. He's a good guy but I am considering his situation to the fullest and going to relax. Sometimes we get a little hysterical and panic, which I think I did when I first posted this, but I'm rational now. 1
K.K. Posted December 30, 2019 Posted December 30, 2019 But did you give him the scarf and cookies though!
Author mortensorchid Posted December 30, 2019 Author Posted December 30, 2019 12 minutes ago, K.K. said: But did you give him the scarf and cookies though! I have not seen him yet, we are going to get together on New Year's Day or the 2nd. Then I can still sit on this decision whether or jot to give him either. 1
healing light Posted December 30, 2019 Posted December 30, 2019 Aren't the cookies moldy by now? Damn. I think it's a good idea to keep your options open at this point since it seems like he is still testing the waters and isn't too keen to jump into anything.
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted December 30, 2019 Posted December 30, 2019 (edited) There is a certain pattern that a lot of women fall into who like to make men wait for sex. I had noticed you said you two met in September, yet had not had sex yet. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and make an assumption: 1 hour ago, mortensorchid said: I am also going to keep my options open. He's a good guy but I am considering his situation to the fullest and going to relax. Sometimes we get a little hysterical and panic, which I think I did when I first posted this, but I'm rational now. You were not hysterical or panicked, you did not have a sex partner and since the creation of this thread, you have managed to attain one. Great. The pattern I make mention of though, is when you, as a woman, make a guy wait, then redirect your sexual energy onto another man who is not relationship material, but will suffice in helping you kind of manage your sexual energy to make the actual guy you are interested in, wait longer. The thing is, often women who make men wait, end up becoming more interested in the men they are having sex with, who are not relationship material.. The guy who you make wait, you become less interested in. The thing is, you could say that this is the time where the guy you are making wait, should double down on his efforts to have sex with you, but at the same time, it has also been at least 2 months... In 2019, that is a looooong time. I read that you had a gift for this guy, a scarf and cookies, that is really cool, but not an effective way to maintain this guys attention... If you are giving gifts in order to to kind of send the message that you are thinking of the person, because you want to capture their interest, no gift will beat sex. With this being said, make no mistake about it, the guy you are banging now, will not wait around for 3 months waiting... He might not even be around for a week without it... I mean, for you to become less interested in somebody who is waiting around for you, as opposed to building something special with them, that is probably the reason this guy and you did not connect in the first place (You made mention of this guy being somebody you had reconnected with from the past). Like, if your intention is to give a gift, give the gift of you and don't let that gift be squandered on some guy who is convenient for you to bang over some guy who waited upwards of 3 months... This cycle is a big part of why a lot of women today struggle to find relationships, you gotta know when enough value has been built on your end where you can give yourself away and get something special for it, as opposed to some temporary attention. Edited December 30, 2019 by CAPSLOCK BANDIT Emphasis on long time
chillii Posted December 30, 2019 Posted December 30, 2019 (edited) You kidding , she's not seein anyone else , that's all through this thread, she's been hoping to get the relationship going. She even said she doesn't mind waiting , it's him that hasn't done anything it's MC's left wondering and waiting on him , among other things. Edited December 30, 2019 by chillii 3
stillafool Posted December 30, 2019 Posted December 30, 2019 (edited) 7 hours ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said: This cycle is a big part of why a lot of women today struggle to find relationships, you gotta know when enough value has been built on your end where you can give yourself away and get something special for it, as opposed to some temporary attention. I don't consider a woman having sex with a man giving herself away. I think both partners give themselves to each other during sex. Edited December 30, 2019 by stillafool 3
elaine567 Posted December 30, 2019 Posted December 30, 2019 @CAPSLOCK BANDIT Wrong end of the stick. MO has not made this guy wait. She offered but he declined... He slunk away that night and has used his "busyness" and his kids to keep MO at arms length ever since. He has not obviously managed "to fit her in" over the Xmas period either. He is a complete waste of her time. She needs to take the hint. 1
Veronica73 Posted December 30, 2019 Posted December 30, 2019 (edited) Mo, you didn’t go overboard at all. Getting a scarf and baking cookies for someone is lovely. That’s not overboard. @CAPSLOCK BANDIT...project much? What makes you think she is banging someone else and making this guy wait. Sounds like he is the one who is making her wait. In other words...I suspect you have some issues with what you are talking about, since there is nothing she has said that indicates that that is what is going on. Edited December 30, 2019 by Veronica73 2
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