mortensorchid Posted December 21, 2019 Posted December 21, 2019 (edited) I was texting the new man tonight. I told him of my travel plans and whatnot as I will be going back and forth between my sister's place and home after her surgery next week. He has his kids this weekend, I asked him what they were going to be doing, he said he wasn't sure (between this and this). I said I will be teaching online so I will be home during the days then may be headed out to her. But, I said in a text, I have time to squeeze him in. And I ha e something for him (I got him a winter scarf and baked some more cookies for him but he doesn't know what it is). He said I didn't have to get him anything the food I had been cooking lately had been present enough. I am kind of ... Not sure about this. He was saying that he hadn't gotten me anything but this text. I am a bit nervous now. Before anyone jumps down my throat, I am not a gold digger. I have met women who are and they are horrible people. If he doesn't get me anything then ... What should I think or do? I already have it for him. I am, like I said, a gifter and it shows how much they are loved from me when I give things to others. Am I wrong to think this? Edited January 10, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted December 21, 2019 Posted December 21, 2019 MO, I don't think you're wrong at all to feel the way you're feeling. You have not spent lavishly on him, but wanted to get him something to show you care and that he's important to you. If he does not reciprocate in a modest way, I'd be hurt as well :(. But, maybe he will. Don't get upset just yet. 4
Happy Lemming Posted December 21, 2019 Posted December 21, 2019 2 minutes ago, mortensorchid said: He was saying that he hadn't gotten me anything but this text. This worries me a bit... He should have gotten you something small. I'm beginning to think he sees you more as a friend and not someone he is dating. I could be wrong, but it just seems real odd that he didn't try to get you something. When in doubt, I go with a woman's birthstone... earrings, necklace... something along those lines. 4
Art_Critic Posted December 21, 2019 Posted December 21, 2019 IMO, if he doesn't get you anything he is trying to not set any expectations and being an ass. Gifts don't have to be expensive and honestly they shouldn't be when you are freshly dating them but they still should be given.. it shows you mean something to them and Christmas is a romantic holiday. 6 1
Author mortensorchid Posted December 21, 2019 Author Posted December 21, 2019 We've been sort of an item since September when we reconnected. It's also a concern as we haven't had sex yet. We kissed and there was some heavy petting but nothing beyond that. Should we have The Talk soon? I don't think I am good at these things but I want to practice good communication because that's the key to everything. Paranoid now...
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted December 21, 2019 Posted December 21, 2019 7 minutes ago, mortensorchid said: We've been sort of an item since September when we reconnected. It's also a concern as we haven't had sex yet. We kissed and there was some heavy petting but nothing beyond that. Should we have The Talk soon? I don't think I am good at these things but I want to practice good communication because that's the key to everything. Paranoid now... Yes, definitely time for the talk. 1
Author mortensorchid Posted December 21, 2019 Author Posted December 21, 2019 How do you ha e The Talk then in the best way possible? 1
FMW Posted December 21, 2019 Posted December 21, 2019 You made a nice choice on a gift for him. You don't know for sure that he isn't going to get you anything, I don't think him saying that you didn't have to get anything for him meant he had no intention of getting something for you. Don't buy trouble - wait and see what happens this week. But I do think after the holidays and after dealing with your sister's surgery (when you aren't feeling extra emotional because of what's going on with her) it would be fine to have a conversation with him about what he's looking for, specifically with you, and get a better handle on where you stand. Bring it up as calmly and casually as you can, tell him you're enjoying your time together, and ask him straight out if he's looking for a relationship and if so, what kind. Taking it slow can be a good thing if you're comfortable with it too. But you need to be able to feel more secure about where you stand and he's not giving you much to go on. Having a "talk" means you have to be ready to hear whatever he might say though, so don't feel rushed into it by anyone else's opinion. Go with your own gut.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted December 21, 2019 Posted December 21, 2019 Well, you need to approach it from a place of confidence.....a place of "this is my life, and I need to know what's going on because I deserve that." Timing right now could be tricky because of the holidays. I'd do it before Christmas though, because if you do it after, you run the risk of him thinking you only brought it up because/if he didn't get you a gift. Maybe just a simple question like, "I'd like to ring in the new year with a kiss from my sweetheart. Can we plan something for that night if you don't have the kids?" and then take it from there and ask what he sees your relationship being like when Valentine's Day rolls around. Unless you're OK with having no definition, I think you've been dating long enough to know if you two are on the same path. 3
chillii Posted December 21, 2019 Posted December 21, 2019 (edited) l dunno if you mean this , the talk thing, that everyone talks about round here, which l've never had in my life or needed too , or if you mean just wanting to talk about things , which l have done. Even a few days back my gf asked me what was my plans for US, perfectly normal question really. And she often asks what l'm thinking and feeling , l mean we talk a lot , bout all kinds of stuff,she knows what l'm thinking and feeling , but she still just really likes to get down into the real guts of it haha. But in your case , yeah l'd talk all your stuff out with hm , no pressure , no kids , no worrying about what other people think , just for you. l mean he could be going either which way in this it is a bit odd, but well it seems it anyway , but yaknow, he might well have his own ideas about all that so who really knows . bUT yeah l do agree though that you gotta be prepared to maybe hear something ya don't like too, not sayin you will just sayin.. presents and things , l mean some women do heaps of all that and me l'm not running out every 5mins just to return the favor , it's too much , if she wants to do all this stuff up to her but apart from the main times or if l just genuinely feel like it or see something then l'm not keeping up with her so it's up to her. My gf doesn't really ever buy anything but she often leaves things or makes something. Anyway , good luck . Edited December 21, 2019 by chillii 1
dramallama Posted December 21, 2019 Posted December 21, 2019 Hi OP, I think we're in a sort of similar boat timing-wise at least, and I hate the uncertainty of Christmas when there's someone new on the scene. I've been seeing my guy since Sept 1st though we've only actually met up 10 times and I was really uncertain about what to do as things are going nicely between us, but we've not had 'the talk' yet. However when I last saw him he made a joke about sending me his Christmas list so I've got him an inexpensive but thoughtful gift (he's a sound engineer, it's a poster of the soundwave of his favourite song) on the assumption he's doing similar - otherwise you'd just avoid the topic wouldn't you?! The way I see it is I'd rather be the one who does even if the other doesn't - it's far less awkward to say 'I got you this because I saw it and thought of you' than 'I didn't get you anything because um...' At least you've had this conversation and your guy a) knows he's getting something and b) still has time to get you something! If he doesn't bother with even a token effort, well I'd be starting to read that as a bit of a statement about your relationship being more casual than you hope. 1
smackie9 Posted December 21, 2019 Posted December 21, 2019 (edited) Sounds to me this is more of a friendship rather than anything romantic BUT I have a feeling he is holding back all because of his ex and the kids. He is uncertain, worried what effect it would have with his relationship with them. It's like he is restricting himself to avoid anything going wrong or disrupting the status quo . And ya guys are not comfortable talking about feelings or showing vulnerability. They would rather avoid it at all costs. This whole thing might be giving himself some anxiety which would explain the lack of confidence and not having your relationship go forward. If you don't communicate he's going to think it's all alright with you how things are. It's been like 4 months.....way too long to not say anything. Communication about expectations should have started at the beginning and continued throughout. I agree with the other poster, you need to approach this, and IMO everything, with confidence, and know your self worth. ****Your self worth comes from within you, not measured by how much someone desires you. Edited December 21, 2019 by smackie9 1
alphamale Posted December 21, 2019 Posted December 21, 2019 if you haven't had sex yet there is no requirement for presents or gifts by/from either party 3
elaine567 Posted December 21, 2019 Posted December 21, 2019 This is the guy who blew you off to go "Christmas shopping"...!!!! 4 1
alphamale Posted December 21, 2019 Posted December 21, 2019 5 minutes ago, elaine567 said: This is the guy who blew you off to go "Christmas shopping"...!!!! one and the same 2
introverted1 Posted December 21, 2019 Posted December 21, 2019 (edited) I dunno, MO. I get that this guy has an ex and kids to deal with, but IIRC, he's been divorced for a year and that seems long enough to have figured out whether he's ready for a new relationship. He doesn't sound all-in to me. And by that, I don't mean that he wouldn't acknowledge and tend to other responsibilities, but you've been dating for close to 4 months and by this time I'd expect that there would have been sex, maybe ILYs, and some sense of couplehood. If he's not enthusiastic about you now, I don't see that switch magically being flipped a few months from now. I think you are right to initiate a talk with him and see if he can articulate what he feels and what he is looking for. Otherwise, you risk hanging around trying to read the tea leaves of his actions, which will just leave you confused, imo. I agree with waiting until after Christmas and things with your sister are more settled. Good luck. I hope you get the outcome you want. Edited December 21, 2019 by introverted1 typo 4
Art_Critic Posted December 21, 2019 Posted December 21, 2019 (edited) After reading all the replies, yeah time for a talk. You have to figure out where his head is at.. it does sound like you are in the friend zone. Do it before Christmas... Edited December 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 3
Miss Spider Posted December 21, 2019 Posted December 21, 2019 Hi. I didn’t see in the post where he said he didn’t get you anything, but maybe I missed something. If you guys are an “item” since September, I think it would be a bit weird and pretty rude of him to not get even a small prez? I think it’s time for “the talk” too! 1
rightondude Posted December 21, 2019 Posted December 21, 2019 considering he told you he was Christmas shopping I have to say it is pretty inconsiderate if he didn't see something and think to pick it up for you. Fingers crossed he is just trying to surprise you. There's really no other excuse assuming he wants to keep things progressing with you. Christmas giving is a time to make that happen; to show you're in it to win it. 3
Watercolors Posted December 21, 2019 Posted December 21, 2019 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: This is the guy who blew you off to go "Christmas shopping"...!!!! Exactly! Why are you wasting your time chasing this guy and buying him a Christmas present? He lied to you about Christmas shopping so he wouldn't have to attend a party with you as your romantic partner (because that's how everyone would see him at this party, as your date). He doesn't want a romantic relationship with you or you'd know it. The fact that he hasn't bought you a Christmas present, is a sign that he doesn't see you as anything other than an attractive woman friend he fooled around with. If you were a priority in this guy's life, you'd know you were. But from your threads about him, you constantly question your place in his life. That's not a good sign. I say, you bought yourself a nice new scarf. Don't give it to him. He doesn't deserve it since he hasn't bought you a gift. Christmas Eve is Tuesday. Sorry, but I think this guy is giving you the run around and for whatever reason, you don't want to acknowledge all the red flags his behavior and his words are. 6
Watercolors Posted December 21, 2019 Posted December 21, 2019 10 minutes ago, alphamale said: that's a little harsh watercolours How so? He doesn't seem interested in reciprocating and he definitely hasn't been honest with her since they met in September. If they still haven't had sex, that's a huge red flag that his interest in Mo isn't romantic. Having "the talk" with a guy who isn't interested, seems like a waste of time. I guess I have a very strong opinion because this seems like it's very one-sided with Mo showing/having more interest than this divorced dad has for Mo. It's not my intention to be negative or mean, just straightforward. I just get the impression that he's been stringing Mo along this whole time, giving her mixed messages with his hot and cold behavior. She deserves better treatment than that. 4
Watercolors Posted December 21, 2019 Posted December 21, 2019 (edited) Like everyone else in the thread, I want Mo to have a positive outcome from this situation. But part of me can't help but think after 4 months, no sex, no ILY's, a year of being divorced, this guy either doesn't know what he wants from Mo, or he just sees her as a friend, and for whatever reason won't be straightforward with Mo which he definitely should be. A phone call with him this weekend would be ideal. Best to find out where Mo stands in his life. Edited December 21, 2019 by Watercolors 5
preraph Posted December 21, 2019 Posted December 21, 2019 You're not even having sex. To a man, this is still not serious because there's not even sex. I would NOT give him the scarf. I would give him the cookies only. IF he happens to decide to give you something last minute, you can always just tell him, You know, after our talk I had decided to return what I got for you, but I'll give it to you now that I know it's appropriate next time I see you. 6
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