raizel Posted January 11, 2020 Posted January 11, 2020 I feel like a bad person. I have been with my boyfriend for two years (we are in our early 20s) and for the past few months I think I have stopped loving him romantically. I stopped looking forward to seeing him. I stopped enjoying his kisses. I stopped seeing him in my future. I feel terrible because this man loves me unconditionally. We never fought - just had discussions. He supports me during my hardships and embraces all my flaws. He showers me with the most amazing compliments. I love him so much. Just not that way anymore. I have been waiting for that love to come back again for months but it hasn't. I feel like I am stringing him along. The worst is the hurt that he is going to feel when I break the news to him. And just to make things worse, I am his first girlfriend. I know I don't have the right to be sad but this is breaking my heart too. He deserves someone who can love him the way he loves them. Guys... am I making a huge mistake here? How do I make this break-up less painful for him?
preraph Posted January 12, 2020 Posted January 12, 2020 Wow, that's going to be hard for him. But you can't stay in a relationship just because the person did nothing wrong if it's not working for you, and the sooner you cut him loose, the sooner he'll mourn and then move on. It's his first girlfriend, so I think it's important to be as truthful as possible. Assure him he's an interesting and attractive guy and you were really into him at first, but that as time passed, you just realized you weren't the best match and assure him that there is NOTHING he can do to change to be the right person. You might even tell him that when women lose interest in a man and decide they aren't the right one for them, even one they were once quite attracted to, that they often lose their attraction and that that has happened to you and that it's not his fault, but it's just how some women are. Because that is true. Sometimes losing attraction is the first sign a woman is about to lose interest in a guy, or sometimes it's the last thing to go. Don't give him hope to reunite in the future by saying, Right now this is how I feel. Just assure him, I waited until I was sure and I'm sure, and I'm sorry, but there's nothing you did wrong and there's nothing you can do to change it. It's unlikely you will be able to be just friends with him without holding him back. You might tell him that you think no contact is best because it will make it easier for him to move on if he can't see your social media and make contact. You'll need to cut off contact with his family and friends. Feel free to tell him it breaks your heart to have to break up with him, but that you know it's the right thing. Just gear everything possible towards not making him feel inadequate or unattractive or undesireable. Try to leave him with his dignity and assurances he'll be a great catch for someone and that if he could hold your attention as long as he did, he'll have no trouble finding another woman who is a better match. Good luck. 1 1
DKT3 Posted January 12, 2020 Posted January 12, 2020 What's changed? Sometimes we meet the right people at the wrong time. Sometimes we allow other things or people to distract ourselves from things that are great. Sometimes we see someone as getting in the way. And sometimes we just can wrap our minds around there not being something, someone better. Are you making a mistake? Most likely, but the problem is you will never know until you make it, right? You will not realize what a great guy he is until you've had a few bad ones, or until he finds someone else. That's life, we do the best we can, sometime we make horrible mistakes, every once in a while we get the opportunity to correct those mistakes, most often we don't. There is no easy way to end a relationship. You just do it. I will say this, once you do, please leave him alone. Dont try to keep him as a friend, it's the most selfish thing you can do. Maybe in time years, you can be friends...I doubt it even possible then because people usually don't care for exes hanging around. 1 1
fromheart Posted January 12, 2020 Posted January 12, 2020 He might not care that much if you break up with him. If he's a balanced and centered man, sure he'll not be too happy. But he'll shrug his shoulders, get back to work and probably be dating someone else by the weekend. If he wouldn't do those things, then that's why you're breaking up with him. But if he does do those things, that will prove that he didn't need you and you will regret breaking up with him. He hasn't noticed that you don't enjoy his kisses, which indicates that he is unbalanced and un centered. You can't fake a man who knows himself and is sensitive to his partner. He'll sense your loss of interest and lose interest also. If your partner isn't feeling your loss of interest, he needs to address something within himself. Best for him, and best for you, to break up as soon as possible. 1
TeddyBundy1993 Posted January 12, 2020 Posted January 12, 2020 Ahh why it's always girls/women who loose interest in their partners without any reasons?? I always wonder this. Well I believe you have made decision and just need to tell him. Be honest with him and all of us know it will hard for him. I feel pity for him. Just don't forget to tell him that you arent leaving for someone bcz this is the first thing that comes to mind of a dumpee and it's very worst feeling trust me. Since he has been so nice to you atleast do this for him. Also tell him to go no contact and assure him its solely for both of you to move on peacefully. Good luck dear
snowboy91 Posted January 12, 2020 Posted January 12, 2020 4 hours ago, TeddyBundy1993 said: Ahh why it's always girls/women who loose interest in their partners without any reasons?? I always wonder this. Guys definitely do too... I did in my last relationship! OP - I feel your pain terribly - it is literally the worst feeling possible. I'd go as far as say it's worse than the pain of actually breaking up. 23 hours ago, raizel said: I know I don't have the right to be sad but this is breaking my heart too. He deserves someone who can love him the way he loves them. Guys... am I making a huge mistake here? How do I make this break-up less painful for him? You do have the right to be sad. Your feelings have faded and there isn't anything you can do about it - that's a good reason to feel sad. Leaving this kind of situation is never a mistake - you want a relationship where you actually feel a strong connection, and if you're not getting that you'll just continue to feel miserable - that's the mistake. Breakups are always painful - but be honest like you are here. Remember you haven't cheated, you haven't got someone else waiting and from the sound of things you don't live together. You're essentially setting him free to find someone who loves him in the same way - and he will see that in time.
Lotsgoingon Posted January 13, 2020 Posted January 13, 2020 Well first of all, this happens all the time. And yes, we should break up with people when we fall out of love ... I mean ... we can (if older usually) see if the love returns. But you're young. You're supposed to grow and change and leave relationships. I am lost about your thinking here. Big huge chasm ... Grand Canyon Size ... Identify why you lost interest ... you are so lost in your guilt ... but you have committed any sins. What changed? It's important to identify that and embrace that because that is your North Star. He suddenly just became unattractive? ... Hmmmmm ... doesn't quite convince me ... I mean sure, when young, we might not have confidence and thus if someone shows interest and is reasonably kind, we can fall head over heals. I was young and impulsive and fall hard for people without really thinking about them and the ways they and I were different. It's not your job to worry about his feelings. If you think he is going to jump in the lake because you break up with him, then you do not respect him ... think he has no life and no resilience. Sister, he'll get over you the way we all get over someone ... with time ... and with insight ... So what happened? Can you push the guilt aside for a few moments and explain what happened? Personality differences and other things can lead us to lose attraction to people. Or we just get to know them at a deeper level and realize we want more. No way to know that ahead of time. That's life. 1
scooby-philly Posted January 13, 2020 Posted January 13, 2020 As a guy 4.5 months out of a 2 year relationship where my ex dumped me without explanation over IM and Text I would say tell him now, tell him the truth, and then go no contact. He deserves that much as a good man. I agree with some of the other posters - people don't suddenly lose interest. You've been losing interest for a long while or maybe never really had it from day one. Dating, our own internal emotional makeup, these things get complicated. But while you're deciding to end things on your terms it would be worth spending some time understanding yourself before jumping into the next relationship. From what little you shared, it sounds like while you may be his first girlfriend and you've had other boyfriends, he may be more mature and realistic than you. No fights? He supports you? He showers you with the love you need? He's been there in bad times for you? Yes, please dump him - he deserves better. Seriously not trying to insult you here - but a lot of young women expect the fantasy relationship - butterflies everyday, champagne, Prince Charming, etc. That's not real love. And it's certainly not how a relationship works past 6 or 12 months. And since it sounds like you've not only faked things for a long while but didn't share things with him to give him a chance to help fix them, then he deserves someone mature and you should probably take a bit of time and work on you. 1
Rbo407 Posted January 14, 2020 Posted January 14, 2020 I’m dealing with my own situation but from the other end of this. Was with my girl 2.5 years. We had a great relationship, love of my life. Did nothing wrong at all. She just lost interest in me and dumped me in the trash. We lived together shared a life together and I was seriously considering asking her to marry me bc I really thought I had found my other half. She told me she just wasn’t happy anymore and that we weren’t growing, so it had to end. Difference is me and her are older. I’m 35 she is 48. She moved on like nothing ever happened and is having the time of her life. Me on the other hand not so good. I’m still hurting, I’m absolutely destroyed over it, I’ve turned into a raging drunk that feels like a shell of a person. I’m not getting better and I’m not moving on. This is my first true adult heartbreak and I’m absolutely breathless still. Why? Thing is for a few months after we split she gave me false hope of getting back together. She strung me along like a yo-yo, the whole “come here get away from me” crap. Then got back together with me a month after we split for a few weeks, told me she loved me and wanted to do anything to make it work. 3 days later she dumped me again and said she had no romantic feelings for me at all anymore and only wanted to be friends. Then she blocked me from here to hell and ghosted me completely. if you are going to leave a good man that did nothing wrong and doesn’t deserve to have his heart broken, and trust me, if he’s anything like me, it will absolutely shatter him to a million pieces and it’s going to hurt for awhile. Please for god sakes don’t do to him what my ex did to me. Let him down easy, but Ice him out COMPLETELY. don’t drunk text him, don’t play games with him, make sure you insure there is absolutely zero and I mean ZERO hope of fixing things, ever and forever. Please don’t give him false hope because anything you say or do even if it’s nothing, he will take it and run with it. Just end it and let him heal on his own. 4
JTSW Posted January 15, 2020 Posted January 15, 2020 Aw you're not a bad person lovely. We cant help who we fall in or out of love with. It just happens. There will be no right time or right words to say so just need to be honest with him. Tell him you will always be there for him as his friend. 1
Berteau Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 You want to make it easier on him? After you break up, don’t go posting much in social media, or just remove him as friends. And absolutely don’t let him know when you’re dating someone else. It’s crushing to see that as an ex. 3
Rockdad Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 If you do chose to break up please don't utter those words "It's not you it's me." That's a phrase that can be so brain haunting. 1
Legatus Posted January 17, 2020 Posted January 17, 2020 On 1/13/2020 at 4:20 PM, scooby-philly said: From what little you shared, it sounds like while you may be his first girlfriend and you've had other boyfriends, he may be more mature and realistic than you. No fights? He supports you? He showers you with the love you need? He's been there in bad times for you? Yes, please dump him - he deserves better. Seriously not trying to insult you here - but a lot of young women expect the fantasy relationship - butterflies everyday, champagne, Prince Charming, etc. That's not real love. And it's certainly not how a relationship works past 6 or 12 months. And since it sounds like you've not only faked things for a long while but didn't share things with him to give him a chance to help fix them, then he deserves someone mature and you should probably take a bit of time and work on you. Nicely put @scooby-philly I totally agree that you have to do it as soon as possible. I understand you weren't sure at first and that's why you were still with him but the more you do it the more it looks like you're just deceiving him a little bit. He does seem like he was in this relationship with his heart full on. Supporting you, no unnecessary arguments and drama - seems like he did a lot of things right, so please do this one thing right too. From my side, avoid few little cues that could set him off. Don't say "I've thought about it for a LONG time" as that sparks thoughts "How long has she been lying to me?". Don't overdo the compliments and things like "it's not you". There's a line that when crossed all those compliments look like a masquerade designed to ease the conscience of a breaker. Don't talk about the woman he should have or will find. At that moment he will not be thinking about any future, just that moment. The future will come and hopefully will be brighter every day but when you talk to him focus on NOW. 2
gaius Posted January 18, 2020 Posted January 18, 2020 He sounds like a low testosterone bore fest. I'd suggest cheating on him with his best friend in order to get him to dump you, but if he's that milque toast he might just take you back and all that effort would be for nothing. Anyway, whatever you do you're not in the wrong and hope you find someone more attractive. 1
scooby-philly Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 @gaius - I'm sorry - I hope your response was sarcastic and I'm just not picking it up. What in the world in the OP's note suggests that he's a "low testosterone bore fest"? Secondly, even if he was...she didn't mention it nor bring it up as a problem for her. And you're advising cheating on him? Seriously - I do hope this is just a complete farse of a response and I'm not picking up on the intended sarcasm. Otherwise, wow, I've never in 5+ years of being here seen such a shallow, wrong response. 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted February 2, 2020 Posted February 2, 2020 Over a week...The OP is nowhere to be seen and the people least invested in the issue are conversing among themselves. Love when the OP just bails. Have to question the sincerity or urgency of the original post.
scooby-philly Posted February 2, 2020 Posted February 2, 2020 3 hours ago, Gr8fuln2020 said: Over a week...The OP is nowhere to be seen and the people least invested in the issue are conversing among themselves. Love when the OP just bails. Have to question the sincerity or urgency of the original post. Yeah - I agree. Sure, she could have just been busy and who knows, maybe she did the right thing and she's just been busy dealing with the aftermath. I think it's interesting given her story and her background - if she did read our responses, she might have been like - oh s***! Cause I got the sense she was looking for affirmation and most of us smacked her down. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying she's a 100% terrible person. But a lot of young woman (and we can start a different thread on what (young) men need to learn about dating) - assume that there's always going to be some sort of lovey-dovey feeling like it is in the first week or month, and they also don't realize that a real relationship takes communication (of feelings, thoughts, reactions,), shared investment toward the future, and that even "good people" can still hurt others and make major mistakes. Cause not saying this guy is perfect, but how do you fall out of love with someone who is even 50% of what she describes? So she may have saw our reactions and did not know what to do and just decided to check out of the thread because we called b.s. on her.
DKT3 Posted February 2, 2020 Posted February 2, 2020 My impression is she never really liked the guy. He was a rebound, and maybe someone she used to make her ex jealous since they were friends. The relationship was extended because he treated her well. I suspect another man has caught her attention. OP has been around posting for several years.
emerald86 Posted February 3, 2020 Posted February 3, 2020 As someone who has been in your shoes before, I would say tell him sooner rather than later and be honest. You're not a bad person. You both deserve to be in a mutually fulfilling relationship.
Twizzlestick Posted February 4, 2020 Posted February 4, 2020 (edited) OP you’re young, it’s been a 2 year rele. Right about time for limerance to have worn off? Perhaps you’re mistaking limerance? Some folk never get their heads round the change and forever chase the rainbow. Some go through a few splits then learn to accept. Or you might genuinely not be happy. Can’t answer for you. If you’re not feeling it for whatever reasons then that’s that. My advice having been on receiving end. Don’t go cold or ghost for weeks in an attempt to send a message to him. That’s just torturous. Until you dump him, own your can and carry on as normal as can be, but granted you’re human and he will likely spot if he hasn’t already that something is amiss. In meantime ask yourself if you think it could be saved and worth talking about and worked through. It sounds like its unworkable from your end as he sounds a decent guy. So don’t drag the next bit out. Once youve made the decision or squared it away in your mind. Tell him in person and be honest that you don’t know why but your feelings aren’t there anymore and you e been very careful to consider if this is something temporary and haven’t made the choice lightly but that you wish to part ways. Don’t use it as an excuse to kick a dog when he’s down and come out with a boat load of negatives about him to make the case sound better, equally don’t give him the old “we can still be friends”. Just be honest. Your feelings have changed. explain you think no contact is best thing you can do for you both given circumstances and it’s not personal but you’re aware he will be hurt and you don’t want to put you or HIm through extra anguish and false hope by chatting constantly. Will you regret it? Highly likely you’ll get some dumpers remorse, it comes with the territory after a while when the humdrum of life returns and you’re on your own, but you’ve got to stick with it for a sensible and respectable amount of time unless you truly did want him back. Of course you can’t yo-yo people. Good luck. You’re not a bad person for feeling like this, you’ve every right to feel happy as he has too. If you’re not feeling it you both deserve to be able to find people it works with. Edited February 4, 2020 by Twizzlestick
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