freckles3131 Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 I left HIM...But here is why....I felt feelings that were very strong(we have a past history) when I told him he said, "I don't and can't feel as strong for you as you do for me at this time. I "can't give you the what you want" Some possible reasons he "can't give me what I want/doesn't feel as much as I do" 1) There is a rocky history...stuff we have been working on/putting behind us 2) We have only been dating for 2 months (and only once or less a week) 3) He got burnt MAJORLY by his last girlfriend (less than 3 1/2 months ago) Some nasty stuff about his manhood/"size"/not lasting long enough in bed and THEN cheats on him to "get some good sex/someone bigger" 4) He will be finding out this week if he is moving to Indiana....16hr+ drive away...(and I have a child, so the LDR thing wouldn't be all that simple) So.....he said, "I don't want us to NOT hang out/go out on dates anymore....but......." I said, "I compromised my integrity enough by stepping into a situation with someone I KNEW couldn't be there 100% and was in the healing process..I shouldn't have....you should have had some time in between." I have been single for 2 yrs.(by choice/being very choosy/have gone on dates/just have high standards/integrity) YET.....I lowered them to be with you because I was desperate not to lose you this time around/to have "some part of you/take what I could get" I realize this now and need to not be in this situation anymore (with someone who "can't" or "doesn't" feel what I do (we dated for 3 yrs....had a 2 year break...he dated the mean girl...who burnt him.....he was a mess...that was just 3+ months ago) He feels if he could "Open his heart to anyone....it would be ME....and if it isn't happening, it's probably not going to" I said, "You were still a mess just a month and a half ago.....and you honestly think you are capable of opening your heart 100% right now?" He was like, "I thought so...I think so...I don't know...I just know I'm not where you are at the moment" So........I said we need to part ways....I need to go back to being strong me, with high standards and not settle for someone who doesn't "know"........ Was this the thing to do???????? OR........should I have continued to "date" him and give it more time...with all of the factors listed above......took time to hang out with him here and there, but still give him space to heal from the last thing/plus find out about the move etc.......OR>>>>>>> Am I doing the right thing by giving him TOTAL space????? THe "let him come to me" theory.......for only then will I know....he feels the same and it's not because I am "there" and it "feels nice"
basscatcher Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 I think your chosing to do the right thing right now. I'm sure you have told him how you feel?? If you have then he knows when he is ready he can contact you. But, there is always the possibility that you will meet someone else while he is straightening himself out. That is the breaks of life. If you put your life on hold and nothing happens you will feel like you have wasted your time waiting around. You need to take care of you and your child. You need to be stable and happy for yourself. Pineing away after him when he is confused, scared and messed up will only cause him and you greif. When he is ready-if he will ever be ready- he will come to you. Make sure you make that clear to him so he knows his options and what could also happen. As for keeping in contact: if you are strong enough emotionally to not become so attached and desire more then a occasional phone visit then be there for him if he needs someone to talk to as a friend. If you are going to want more, desire more and it upsets you that you cant have more do a no contact. This is my opinion.. Good Luck to you.
Author freckles3131 Posted October 4, 2005 Author Posted October 4, 2005 Make sure you make that clear to him so he knows his options and what could also happen. . I definitely don't think I have done this.....YES, he knows I love him...but the message/discussion was " I need some space, I need to get "back on track" "we can talk once in a while" "maybe hang out as friends down the road" I don't think gets at this time, the "Should you get it together(i.e. find out if you are moving, take some more time to process the last relationship etc...) AND if you feel like you want to date me again, that the door is open...I have projecting the excact opposite......... Right now, we don't even know if he is moving.....should find out this week if he got the job......I DO feel it has to come from him...(the "let's try" converstation) as it didn't happen that way this time...I was "there" for him as a friend.....the just a month and a half of "lets hang out and see where this leads to....me panicking and spilling my guts at month and a half mark due to him possibly moving...(which probably overwhelmed him...he has alot on his plate with all of the above and here he thought we were "on the same page" (both caring and having love, taking it slow, see where it progresses to.......BUT......I came on wicked strong due to him interviewing in Indiana....with the whole "If yuo get the job, where does that leave us...do the LDR thing etc....? Which considering that we were "taking it slow to see(no dating others) and only for a month a a half...that was a bit much(I have loved him for the past 2 yrs. and felt it needed to be out in the open....I was essentially "downplaying" my "feelings' because it wasn't right for me to lay it out in the open so soon....and with everything else happening, BUT...ended up doing just that, like I said, "Due to my panicking and him possbilby moving......" So now, what? Also....I have a "date" with a guy(someone I've known for a while, a distraction/not looking to get into a relationship) BUT...our mutual friend prob. told my ex about the date......add on top of that me saying, "I need to have minimal contact/for a bit/need to not "compromise my integrity by accepting anything less than 100%...... Looking at it....I think I was just panicking.......should have just WAITED to see IF he got the job.....then had a talk, if yes...If NOT...then keep dating(things were going REALLY well) and gave it some more time(more than a month a half for us to be on the same page....he has alot more "stuff" to get past...I should have given him that time/space and just kept hanging out occasionally like we have been (knowing he is seeing me and only me) NOW WHAT???????? I feel like on one hand......let him come to me...he knows how I feel(doesn't know I would take him back/date him again..I'm sure of that!) OR......shoot him an email telling him I think I made a mistake...OR...wait till he calls to tell me if he got the job and have the conversation then???? I think we might have messed up too because we were having sex...so maybe IF he doesn't move.....just "hang out" without sex and see.....(how do you do that though if you have been intimate already?) I know........a sticky situation.....thanks for writing and reading all of this!!!
basscatcher Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 I've been in similiar situations. It's not easy when your feelings are strong. I know personally that I wish I could have opened up all my feelings to "him" and he would snap-wake up and know that he wants me just as much. But thats a fairytale... Take it slow and communicate. You do need to find out whats happening with his possible moving or not. Try to keep yourself in check so he doesnt feel pressured to make decisions right now. Maybe that/this date with the other guy will also help him wake up and realize his feelings and that he may lose you if he toddles around. If your feelings are more then his for you (IMHO) if you try to only be his friend and you try to place your feelings on hold, you will have a difficult time. Your feelings will constantly be stirring around and that friendship will continue to develop your feelings for him. If his feelings don't grow out of the friendship you maybe more hurt down the road. Like you said you were giving him his space. It wasnt that long ago that he was hurt. He still needs time to heal and learn to trust. You need to keep yourself mentally and emotionally stable and happy. For yourself and your childs sake. Its not easy when you care and when you have feelings. I know this. I have struggled with this too. Please be careful.. (sorry I think I talked in circles and out of order.. hehe it's morning and i'm tired.)
Author freckles3131 Posted October 4, 2005 Author Posted October 4, 2005 Ok, so find out about the move.....and if he ISN'T moving....then what.....we chat on the phone here and there and take some space....then, I have the "talk" tell him I would be willing to hang out....OR......wait to see if the time away/space brings him to me?? (without telling him anything....make him miss me/he knows I have a "date" etc....) I will say, that he is already back on match.com...Art Critic thinks he might know about my "date" and with me not willing to still "date him"...he might be on there to hurt me/pride issue/show me he is "fine".....because he DOES think I'm completely moving on..........so.....now what? I don't want him not moving and finding someone on there! (due to him not asking me out again, because he thinks I'm completely done....)
basscatcher Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 I think you need to figure out first if you can handle only being friends with him if contact with him doesnt develop into something more.. If he choses to find someone on match.com then that shows me he isn't as interested in you as you want him to be. I would ask him about being on match dig out the truth. You need to communicate with him and try to find your answers. I believe you need to clarify what you prefer but let him know you have another route you will take if its necessary (moving on from him). Once you have put it all out there give him a little time to figure it all out, get a answer from him and then make your decision.. Make it clear to him you havent moved on yet but if it comes to it you wont sit and wait around for him. If he wants you then no dating others and give him the space he needs to complete his healing from the previous relationship. I would refrain from a sexual relationship because that will stir cuirrent feelings and create confusion. It may prolong his healing process and you will desire for the relationship to grow and he wont be ready. It is a sticky situation. I think communication and patience is the main steps. Then you need to make a decision..
Author freckles3131 Posted October 4, 2005 Author Posted October 4, 2005 Ok, here's the plan...when he calls...I don't call back right away...be polite/nice...if he text messages same thing. Wait a week or two...see what happens on his end(he should be calling me to tell me if he is moving....also see how much contact he puts out) IF he ISN'T moving...wait a week, then call him or email him with the "let's take a month to sort stuff out/not date others...then hang out again(a little at a time/no intimacy/see where that leads) Does that sound about right????
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