savannahtree Posted January 10, 2020 Posted January 10, 2020 Hello, I went on a date with the girl I'm currently seeing last night (I'm 26M, she is 24). Technically it was our first 'proper' date. We had met on Xmas Eve amongst friends, then saw each other on Boxing Day on a night out and talked quite a lot, I got her number, we were texting, and then we ended up meeting on NYE and sleeping with each other. Last night's date was the first time we both weren't already drunk before meeting.. All was going well. A few drinks in a pub before grabbing some food to bring back to the pub, except after getting the food, I suggest that we go to the pub opposite the original (they're the 2 main drinking holes where I live..). We go inside, get drinks, there's no seats available so we decide to sit outside, and just as I look around the room, I glance at a girl who instantly makes eye contact with me and I recognised her and shall refer to her as X. X (also 24F) and I had a few dates in November last year, which to cut a long story short (if you want the long story, see my post below), I ended up falling heads over heels and getting extremely hurt when she called things off. I dismissed the possibility that it was actually her, because she doesn't live around my area and she actually looked a bit different. After about 10 minutes of being sat outside eating our food and talking, X walks out of the pub with an older looking guy, and would you believe it.. it was actually her. She looked at me, I look up and she says hello. Mine and X's last conversation was via Whatsapp and involved her calling me out on some infatuated things that I had messaged her during our time dating (I had said that I wished I was spending the night with her again and that my pillow smelled like her..), and telling me that "it was way too much and gave terrifying vibes". My reply to that was that I apologised she took it the wrong way, and said that we should leave the conversation here because it was unproductive. She replied with "indeed", and that was the last we spoke. We awkwardly ask how each other are in person then and after a few words she leaves. The whole ordeal back in November left me very hurt, and honestly I thought I was over it, but seeing her last night re-opened the wound - not really because she was another guy, just more at the typicalness of bumping into her. Anyway, after she walks off, I am noticely affected and I go quiet and apologise to my date. She obviously realised that me and X had a past, and stupidly I end up unloading everything onto her, and then things got pretty emotional and she ended up unloading things onto me about her ex (who cut things off with her in November too). Oh how life throws surpirses at us..! After a lot of talking, we are both clearly emotionally distracted and like fools we go back to mine. She began to cry a lot - I assume because of her own past coming back after I unloaded. I couldn't get X off my mind. It got extremeley deep and intimate but we found solace in each other at least. So I've messaged my date today, apologising again for unloading, she also apologised and said she's fragile at the moment. I said that last night was a reality check and that it's clear we both still have baggage. She is extremeley nice and caring and said that she understands and that I can talk to her about things if I want to. But that's a one way ticket to me treating her as a therapist, possibly vice versa, and will likely take us on an emotional rollercoaster that I can only see ending badly. It's so annoying because everything seemed to be going pretty great until X appeared (in such a tiny time window too..!). Honestly I couldn't f'ing believe it. My instinct tells me to continue dating my current date, but that we should both be very aware of what happened last night, and try to brings things down a notch. I know that if X hadn't appeared then we wouldn't have ended up having such an emotional night, so I really do want to try and brush it under the carpet and see how things pan out. So yeah. Reality check.. all thoughts very welcome.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 10, 2020 Posted January 10, 2020 I don't think this is something you'll be able to brush under the rug. The issues this chance encounter unearthed are ones that will affect things moving forward, as I see it. Even if you hadn't seen X last night, the girl you're currently seeing sounds like she is not over her ex. Talking about him was enough to make her cry; that's not good, in terms of being ready to date. That would have affected your budding relationship sooner or later, regardless of whether you'd run into your previous crush or not. You sound like you could use more time to process your own recent dating disappointment, and certainly learn some better coping mechanisms than unloading on a current date. That's pretty much a cold bucket of water on any growing flame with someone new. This new girl seems to need more time to process her break-up too. As such, I would keep your expectations low on this one. You can enjoy your time together but understood that two people who are still hurting from past loves are unlikely to be truly ready to open up to someone new.
Miss Spider Posted January 10, 2020 Posted January 10, 2020 I feel like if you liked this girl as much you wouldn’t be as bothered by your encounter with girl Z. 3
Foxhall Posted January 10, 2020 Posted January 10, 2020 ah you are only young, I dont see that much "baggage" here, your enjoying yourself and gaining new experiences, this girl you are seeing seems a nice one, appreciate and treat her right and forget about girl X.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 11, 2020 Posted January 11, 2020 We just had a full moon lunar eclipse in Cancer yesterday, and that has a way of bringing emotions out like a geyser. I've been in a promising relationship for a few months, and we had our first real fight last night, after he had a few too many drinks and did something stupid. The ex isn't the girl for you. Feel the feelings, then let them go and move on and enjoy your new relationship. The new girl sounds like a sweetheart.
Lotsgoingon Posted January 11, 2020 Posted January 11, 2020 Look, seeing an ex while out on a new date ... will rattle most people, especially if it's say within a year of you breaking up. Your reaction is not "baggage." Your reaction is the normal transitional emotions that happen when we end a relationship with someone. You have some bad luck here--running into your ex early on with this new person. If you had been further along with the new person (and further along in letting go of the ex), the ex would not have rattled you so much (though you still would have a moment of weirdness). Stop talking about this with the new person. Your job is to work through ex feelings on your own ... She cannot possibly help you ... she barely knows you ... and you're revealing stuff that a relationship cannot handle early on ... Really this is just bad luck ... happens in movies and comedies ... the X appears ... and with someone else ... and of course ... they always look particularly good when we see them ... OMG ... and then people check out the ex's new partner as well! Don't let that partner be the slightest bit good looking. Rattled! ... Let's say the ex's new partner is NOT very good looking--people still get rattled. Wow, maybe he's super strong ... maybe she likes a tougher-looking guy ... I lost out to him?
smackie9 Posted January 11, 2020 Posted January 11, 2020 (edited) This was a strange turn of events....your date just turned into a good friend and no longer a romantic interest. You can look at it negatively and say this event ruined everything, or you can look at it as you found someone you can heal with, become life long friends and help each other move forward to healthier happier future relationships. Edited January 11, 2020 by smackie9 1
Author savannahtree Posted January 11, 2020 Author Posted January 11, 2020 Thanks all for your comments, it's much appreciated. It always helps to see others' perspectives and opinions. X has since messaged me saying that it was nice to bump into me. I'm not entirely sure how to respond to that, or whether I should at all..
ExpatInItaly Posted January 11, 2020 Posted January 11, 2020 7 minutes ago, savannahtree said: X has since messaged me saying that it was nice to bump into me. I'm not entirely sure how to respond to that, or whether I should at all.. If you want even the slightest chance with this new girl, you need to ignore X. And if you are tempted to rekindle something with X, then you need to revisit your previous thread about her. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted January 11, 2020 Posted January 11, 2020 Leave the ex where she belongs, in the past. She doesn't want you, just the attention. 1
kendahke Posted January 12, 2020 Posted January 12, 2020 4 hours ago, savannahtree said: X has since messaged me saying that it was nice to bump into me. I'm not entirely sure how to respond to that, or whether I should at all.. Is that all she said? If so, then consider it a belch and keep it moving. Don't respond--if she wanted to rekindle things, she's got command of the language and can say so. 1
Author savannahtree Posted January 12, 2020 Author Posted January 12, 2020 Yeah, I'm not going to engage. In a slightly selfish perspective, I feel stronger knowing that X saw me having a good time with someone else, and enough to want to message to get my attention. I'm going to leave it feeling like that. 8 hours ago, kendahke said: Is that all she said? If so, then consider it a belch and keep it moving. Don't respond--if she wanted to rekindle things, she's got command of the language and can say so. That's all she said yep. 2
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