Daisydooks Posted January 10, 2020 Posted January 10, 2020 1 hour ago, GoreSP said: I disagree. If your partner's drinking habits become unhealthy, and abusive you should say something. There are guidelines for what constitutes alcoolism. Having 1 too many drinks at a work party is alcoholism? I missed the part where this woman is an alcoholic. She goes out with friends sometimes and was drunk once. I dont drink at all, and I am of OPs mindset where I wouldn't personally like this behaviour in a partner. I find it unattractive to drink all the time, even if it isnt in excess. It's just not the way I live my life so I get where OP is coming from 100% My father was a raging alcoholic. I chose a partner just like him who was a raging addict (both alcohol and cocaine. Trust me, I understand where you're attempting to lead me with this. After counseling, I found myself horribly frustrated by what I heard from my counselor when I said "I just want him to stop doing drugs and drinking." She looked me right in the eyes and said, "if he wants to do drugs and drink, he is allowed to." I flipped, cried, got angry... you name it, I felt it. She then looked at me and said "your only choice is what you do here. He is allowed to drink and do drugs. You are allowed to not be ok with it and leave. No one is forcing you to stay with him." The reality is I was angry. I didnt want to leave. I wanted him sober. Unfortunately, that wasnt my choice, but his. A grown person IS ALLOWED to do what they want to do. Even if you dont like it and even if it is abusive. You, me. All of us. If an alcoholic wants to remain one, they are 10000% entitled to that. Sure, you may feel sad and worried about it and even mad they dont care for your relationship, but you cannot control what someone else does. My point here is, as an adult, you can choose NOT to put up with it on the flip side. Unfortunately, as a child, I didnt have a choice. As an adult, I had a choice and I stayed as long as I could manage it. Until I couldnt any longer. My choice was leaving because he had every right to kill himself in our home. You missed my point entirely. 3 1
Daisydooks Posted January 10, 2020 Posted January 10, 2020 1 hour ago, basil67 said: No, it's not acceptable. It's controlling. If a woman doesn't like it, then she needs to make up her mind to leave. Amen! 2
d0nnivain Posted January 10, 2020 Posted January 10, 2020 Everybody draws lines about what is too much differently. If the OP thinks his GF drinks too much then she does drink too much to be his GF. It just doesn't work for him. Personally I'm not 420 friendly; somebody who smokes in moderation even in a state where it's legal is not somebody I want to date. I don't get to dictate that person's recreation & neither does the OP but I don't have to tolerate it either. 6 1
GoreSP Posted January 11, 2020 Posted January 11, 2020 (edited) 7 hours ago, GoreSP said: Social drinkers don’t understand the non drinker’s struggle. Your girlfriend’s drinking doesn’t seem problematic on paper but if it bothers you now, it’ll bother you more and more. That being said, your better off finding someone who doesn’t drink or drinks very little. It wouldn’t be ok for you to try and control how much she is drinking unless it does becomes problematic. You obviously did not read my original post so here it is again. In simple terms, I said op’s girlfriend’s drinking IS NOT problematic so he doesn’t get a say. If your long time partner’s normal drinking habit becomes alcoolism, you can express concern. If they ignore it and don’t try to get help is an entirely different story. I didn’t miss your point; I disagreed with it. 2 hours ago, Daisydooks said: Having 1 too many drinks at a work party is alcoholism? I missed the part where this woman is an alcoholic. She goes out with friends sometimes and was drunk once. I dont drink at all, and I am of OPs mindset where I wouldn't personally like this behaviour in a partner. I find it unattractive to drink all the time, even if it isnt in excess. It's just not the way I live my life so I get where OP is coming from 100% My father was a raging alcoholic. I chose a partner just like him who was a raging addict (both alcohol and cocaine. Trust me, I understand where you're attempting to lead me with this. After counseling, I found myself horribly frustrated by what I heard from my counselor when I said "I just want him to stop doing drugs and drinking." She looked me right in the eyes and said, "if he wants to do drugs and drink, he is allowed to." I flipped, cried, got angry... you name it, I felt it. She then looked at me and said "your only choice is what you do here. He is allowed to drink and do drugs. You are allowed to not be ok with it and leave. No one is forcing you to stay with him." The reality is I was angry. I didnt want to leave. I wanted him sober. Unfortunately, that wasnt my choice, but his. A grown person IS ALLOWED to do what they want to do. Even if you dont like it and even if it is abusive. You, me. All of us. If an alcoholic wants to remain one, they are 10000% entitled to that. Sure, you may feel sad and worried about it and even mad they dont care for your relationship, but you cannot control what someone else does. My point here is, as an adult, you can choose NOT to put up with it on the flip side. Unfortunately, as a child, I didnt have a choice. As an adult, I had a choice and I stayed as long as I could manage it. Until I couldnt any longer. My choice was leaving because he had every right to kill himself in our home. You missed my point entirely. Edited January 11, 2020 by GoreSP 1
Daisydooks Posted January 11, 2020 Posted January 11, 2020 8 minutes ago, GoreSP said: You obviously did not read my original post so here it is again. In simple terms, I said op’s girlfriend’s drinking IS NOT problematic so he doesn’t get a say. If your long time partner’s normal drinking habit becomes alcoolism, you can express concern. If they ignore it and don’t try to get help is an entirely different story. I didn’t miss your point; I disagreed I didnt say you couldnt express concern where a long term partner is involved AND where there IS a problem. That isnt what this is. Lol. She isn't a long term partner. He is the one with the problem. She doesn't need help. So his show of concern would come off as controlling, because it would be. This is a chick he has been dating a few months and he hasn't described this as alcoholism/alcohol abuse, but his own lack of desire to drink and date someone who drinks, even if only responsibly and socially. What would he be expressing concern for in this situation exactly? "Concern" would come off as wanting to control how much/how frequently she drinks. If she doesnt comply, then what? Is he supposed to say "hey! I'd really like it if didnt go out for drinks with friends, because I dont drink." There is a difference between speaking to someone about their problem/addiction (because they have one and you're concerned for them,) and speaking to someone about an issue you have with how they live their lives and have fun. His girlfriend is not an addict by his description and he doesnt sound as though he feels she is so I dont understand why we are speaking about "his concern" for "her problem." It just sounds like hes dating the wrong girl. I just hope OP treads carefully if he does say something because he isnt sharing concern for "her problem." By his description, she doesnt have one. He does. 2
Ellener Posted January 11, 2020 Posted January 11, 2020 16 hours ago, Daisydooks said: its not acceptable for me to tell another adult how to behave. It is acceptable for me to leave. exactly. On 1/10/2020 at 12:43 AM, JEG88 said: We've had a great time together without drinking being a thing for our relationship, but I know she likes to do it with friends and coworkers. so she does it there and not with you. The boundary you are trying to set is 'please don't call me if you're drunk. I don't like that' type thing.
Angelflower Posted January 11, 2020 Posted January 11, 2020 18 hours ago, fromheart said: If a woman tells a man to stop drinking or no more relationship, this is acceptable. In this age of equality, it is therefore acceptable the other way round. If she can't give up a habit that will eventually ruin her health, for the sake o your relationship, she is not relationship material. I'd tell them to f off... if her dinking bothers you in the least tiny bit it will only get worst as the relationship progresses. It doesn't sound like this is a good match for you. You should find someone who doesn't drink. 1
GoreSP Posted January 11, 2020 Posted January 11, 2020 7 hours ago, Daisydooks said: I didnt say you couldnt express concern where a long term partner is involved AND where there IS a problem. That isnt what this is. Lol. She isn't a long term partner. He is the one with the problem. She doesn't need help. So his show of concern would come off as controlling, because it would be. This is a chick he has been dating a few months and he hasn't described this as alcoholism/alcohol abuse, but his own lack of desire to drink and date someone who drinks, even if only responsibly and socially. What would he be expressing concern for in this situation exactly? "Concern" would come off as wanting to control how much/how frequently she drinks. If she doesnt comply, then what? Is he supposed to say "hey! I'd really like it if didnt go out for drinks with friends, because I dont drink." There is a difference between speaking to someone about their problem/addiction (because they have one and you're concerned for them,) and speaking to someone about an issue you have with how they live their lives and have fun. His girlfriend is not an addict by his description and he doesnt sound as though he feels she is so I dont understand why we are speaking about "his concern" for "her problem." It just sounds like hes dating the wrong girl. I just hope OP treads carefully if he does say something because he isnt sharing concern for "her problem." By his description, she doesnt have one. He does. I’m done with you. I said IF the drinking becomes problematic. Definition of if a: in the event that b: allowing that c: on the assumption that d: on condition that 1
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted January 11, 2020 Posted January 11, 2020 In my experience, non-drinkers should be with the drinking party when they are drinking... If she is consistently going out and drinking without you, she is shopping for your replacement and you should just call it off while you are ahead. 2
OatsAndHall Posted January 11, 2020 Posted January 11, 2020 (edited) I'm a non-drinker (it triggers my migraines) and I have had to draw line for myself when it comes to who I date. I have come to the conclusion that I really can't date some "social drinkers" as our lifestyles are incompatible. Back in the fall, I was seeing a woman who was truly an adult, social drinker. She wasn't irresponsible, she didn't get falling down drunk but she was out well into the night with her friends, drinking. I called it off after I got a few texts and phone calls at 2am when she was done hanging out with her friends. I wasn't judging her (she obviously felt otherwise) but our lifestyles just don't mesh up. I wasn't going to join her at the bars until 2am and she wasn't going to be content with having dinner, watching a movie and putting the lights out at 10-11pm. So, I have made it clear to every woman that I have dated since then that I am not a drinker and that we just won't mesh if they're a heavier drinker/night owl. With all of that being said, I strongly suggest that you tread lightly with this, OP. My current girlfriend and I had the discussion about drinking on our second date and she made it clear that she enjoyed a glass of wine here and there but that she wasn't a heavy drinker. We weren't going to be able to spend NYE together (she had a family obligation at a social event) and I was an idiot about it. I was kind bummed that we didn't get to see each other and was "concerned" that she was going to be drinking heavily on NYE. I brought my "concerns" up which was ridiculous (if she chose to drink a bit more on NYE so be it), it upset her and it was all because I was being controlling. I was doing so under the pretense that "we talked about the drinking." I pulled my head out of my ass, apologized profusely and brought her flowers with an apology card. I felt awful that I had made her feel like she had to watch how much she drank because of me; we talked about it, our lifestyles mesh and it's done. So, long story short, you need to decide whether or not this is a deal breaker for you. If it is, then I suggest pulling the plug. If it isn't, let it be because you can't tell her what to do. Edited January 11, 2020 by OatsAndHall 2
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 11, 2020 Posted January 11, 2020 (edited) 23 hours ago, d0nnivain said: Everybody draws lines about what is too much differently. If the OP thinks his GF drinks too much then she does drink too much to be his GF. It just doesn't work for him. Personally I'm not 420 friendly; somebody who smokes in moderation even in a state where it's legal is not somebody I want to date. I don't get to dictate that person's recreation & neither does the OP but I don't have to tolerate it either. Blimey. Of course this! Of course. The OP has EVERY right to say to his current gf that her drinking is not acceptable and he is uncomfortable with it. If things don't change, it won't work out. If she doesn't agree, which is her prerogative, they part ways. SIMPLE. No one is being held hostage in this situation. You just need to accept the consequences. Edited January 11, 2020 by Gr8fuln2020 1
smackie9 Posted January 12, 2020 Posted January 12, 2020 IMO if you don't share the same lifestyle, more than likely it's not going to work. A) I'm a drinker, I would never date a non drinker. B) I don't smoke pot, I wouldn't date a pot smoker. C) I don't smoke, I wouldn't date a smoker. D) I like meat, I wouldn't date a vegan. Why? because these are deal breakers. I like the things I enjoy, and like sharing these things whom I am with. OP if drinking is a deal breaker, which it is because you are calling it annoying, and you feel you have to make her cut down for your liking, it should be a deal breaker. My experience, I dated someone that didn't like the fact I was enjoying going out and drinking with my friends. It was a Bubb-bye. It really miffed me, so good luck with that.
Lotsgoingon Posted January 12, 2020 Posted January 12, 2020 The problem I see is that you didn't like talking to her when she was sloppy drunk. You can say that you didn't enjoy talking to her in that state ... that's stating a boundary ... and that's the issue here. The bigger question of her drinking more than you ... you can have that conversation too ... but it's a waste of time ... The boundary you have to set is with yourself. Can you deal with someone who drinks more than you do ... and who occasionally gets drunk? If you can't deal, you tell her ... and you walk ... But the immediate issue is to say something about her being drunk on the phone in the Uber. Why didn't you say, "Hey you sound drunk. I don't like talking to people when they're drunk?" That was completely reasonable to say ... and you're on your side of the boundary line--indicating what you don't like ... in this specific moment ... not a general disagreement with her life. Start speaking your mind more in the moment.
fromheart Posted January 12, 2020 Posted January 12, 2020 On 1/10/2020 at 7:29 PM, Daisydooks said: If I have children, and my husband decides alcohol is more important than his family, I dont get to tell him his HAS TO stop. I simply make my own decision to stop allowing it around me and my children. His decision is to continue drinking or get sober. You had my attention, until you said that the children you and he have will be 'my,' children and not 'our,' children. This nullifies everything else you said. If it comes to the crunch, they're your children and not his. These are the warning signs I encourage men to look out for. 3
Daisydooks Posted January 12, 2020 Posted January 12, 2020 46 minutes ago, fromheart said: You had my attention, until you said that the children you and he have will be 'my,' children and not 'our,' children. This nullifies everything else you said. If it comes to the crunch, they're your children and not his. These are the warning signs I encourage men to look out for. Sorry. Our children. I will protect our children from what my mother didnt protect me from. An alcoholic husband with abuse issues in the eyes of the court would not have access to our children if he continued to abuse alcohol with them in his care because it would be a safety concern for OUR children I didnt mean they werent ours. You're playing semantics here and I genuinely do not believe children should be "taken" away from their fathers as pawns. He can get sober and see our kids, but if he is a danger to our children, it is my duty to protect our children and look out for their safety.
schlumpy Posted January 12, 2020 Posted January 12, 2020 This isn't going to work for you. I can feel the lack of respect you feel for her when she drinks. That will only build up. You will have to let her go and find someone more aligned with your values in life. You can give her choice if you want but in today's feminist atmosphere you will only be branded as controlling. When you draw a line to avoid a characteristic you can't abide, you will lose some good people. 1
OatsAndHall Posted January 12, 2020 Posted January 12, 2020 If someone is a non-drinker or a light drinker, then this is something to discuss with someone before you get involved with them. Everyone's definition of "social drinking" varies and what is comfortable for one person might not be for the next. I am comfortable dating someone who enjoys a few drinks here and there. If once in a blue moon, they go out and have a few above their tolerance and become tipsy, so be it. That's what happened in my previous post about my girlfriend on NYE; she usually limit herself to two drinks but she had few more that night and got a bit drunk. No muss, no fuss for me; she doesn't make a habit out of doing so and I'm kosher with that. However, with that being said, I wouldn't continue to date her if she were continually doing so. If, down the road, she decides she wants to become a heavier drinker then I probably won't see her anymore. It is a boundary that I have drawn for MYSELF as a) our lifestyles would stop meshing and b) I have a hard time trusting heavy drinkers. I have tried to build a certain level of trust with heavier drinkers but I've never been able to do so. Some of it is baggage from my past and some of it is simply my overall experience with heavy drinkers. Many friends, family and acquaintances have made some seriously poor choices when they're drinking hard and I prefer not to associate myself with that if I don't have to. Again, it's something that we have discussed. She has her deal breakers, I have mine and we understand each other. She said, without hesitation, that she would probably end it with me if I started using chewing tobacco again. I respect that as it's a nasty habit that she doesn't want to be around. If I slip up and buy a can of Skoal, I will tell her and then face the music.
UCanCallMeCrazy Posted January 17, 2020 Posted January 17, 2020 My thoughts . . . A glass of ice water can be your friend (and hers). You can actually get ice water in bars . . . Be more concerned about her safety, less about your feelings. News flash . . . lots of girls drink . . . it does not make them a bad person. Maybe you can go with her (more often) on occasions where there will be drinking. If not maybe meet up with her at a certain time. What is your biggest fear when she drinks too much? 3-6 months into a relationship is a good time to set some boundaries and mutual understandings where needed.
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